Relationship Repair: Is Your Homefront Prepared for the Fire Service?

Oct. 11, 2017
Robert Karnow reviews some common relationship-related issues that members of the emergency services can face, and offers some relationship "repair" ideas.

My disclaimer: This article may or may not hit home. You may feel it doesn’t pertain to your life, but if I was a betting man, I am sure you will relate to at least some of my statements. It’s entirely up to you if you want to take something away from my words, thoughts and opinions. I am simply sharing this with you because I want to help my fellow firefighters have fulfilling professional and personal lives. 

From what I’ve witnessed, we firefighters seem to have a track record of divorcing more than the national average—and I think that sucks! Why are we possibly more prone to troubled relationships? I have some ideas:

  • Shift work can create long time periods away from spouse and home;
  • The paramilitary type of career can create situations where it can seem as if the career is prioritized over family, particularly if staffing patterns don’t allow us to attend certain family gatherings or special events.
  • The dangerous nature of our work can create additional stress on the spouse who fears we may not come home at the end of a shift;
  • Many in the public safety field have a strong work ethic that can seem to place community or career above spouse and family, leading to conflicts at home; and
  • The nature of our work can lead to PTSD and other forms of behavioral health issues. 

There are certainly additional reasons why working in public safety can create additional pressure on a relationship, but they may be different for each couple.

The title of this article poses the question, “Is Your Homefront Prepared for the Fire Service?” When I say the “homefront,” what I mean is our personal lives and relationships at home. In order for us to meet our required job descriptions, each one of us, regardless of rank, needs to be both physically and mentally healthy. You could be the most intelligent, organized, multi-tasking type of person. But throw in a significant issue from your personal life, and you can lose all those skills in a heartbeat. Even if you have the cardio stamina of 10 thoroughbred racehorses, a strained marriage and two demanding kids in diapers can take a toll. With this added pressure, you may now have one heck of a time starting a saw, throwing a ladder, performing a patient assessment or just starting a routine IV. 

By way of reading and chatting with friends and family, I came to recognize a few common issues that seem to be relationship killers—but fortunately, I also saw potential relationship repairs.

When you begin a relationship, you are very open to the other person’s ideas and way of life. You are attracted to this person and they make you feel all warm and fuzzy. Then, as the relationship continues, complacency can set in and you may start to take you partner for granted. You may even begin to resent your partner due to various things. This is when communication is a must! Even if you feel you’re in the right, not respected or appreciated, YOU should make the effort to change. To the best of your ability, try not to expect your partner to change. Swallow your pride, work on changing yourself and begin the communication process with your partner. I am sure you may be thinking, “My partner is totally wrong.” Well, yes, that may be the case, but you only have the power to change yourself and instigate the communication. 

Relationship killers

Following is a list of five distinct relationship killers. Along with each is an “antidote” to try to fix it:

1. Criticism—Attacking your partner with unkind words or actions. Antidote: “Complain without blame.” Do not directly pick on your partner, and do not call them names. You should comment on their bad behavior, but rather than headhunt your partner’s negative traits, compliment your partner’s strengths. Reinforce their attributes. 

2. Stonewalling—This is when we refuse to cooperate. (Notice the word cooperate, as in teamwork, which defines a marriage.) Antidote: Do psychological self-soothing. Even when you feel 100 percent right in an argument, let your partner know you agree to disagree and BE SURE to let your partner know that you still love and care for them. It’s perfectly OK to disagree as long as it’s communicated and you both know you care for each other. 

3. Defensiveness—This is a poison pill for good relationships. In conflict, defensiveness is like blood in the water to a shark; a little here, a little there, and in no time a feeding frenzy of defensiveness. Antidote: Remain non-defensive, it can increase your effectiveness when working through conflict. Take responsibility for your actions: “No, it’s my fault, I may have poorly communicated my point to you, I am sorry.” 

4. Contempt—This is where we can hold dishonor, mean, vile or worthless feelings for the other person. Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation. Do not despise, disgrace or dishonor your partner. Look up the definition of love.

5. Harsh startups—This could be described as “instant barking” at your partner; in other word, a rush to argue. Antidote: Do your best to not lay into your partner for something you feel wronged about. You may have no idea what your partner has been through for that given day. Ask your partner if this is a good time to chat. If not, make an informal appointment after the kids are in bed. 

Here’s the deal: If BOTH partners understand the above and work to NOT criticize, stonewall, become very defensive, hold contempt and rush to argue, then the relationship will most likely thrive.

Relationship repairs

Consider the following ideas to be repair ideas that you can use to help fix your relationship. 

Rather than telling your partner you are very angry and storm off, try this: “I am agreeing to disagree. I am angry at you, but I still love you.” 

While in the middle of an argument, you may be able to lighten the tension with something as simple as sticking out your tongue, as long as your partner can see that it’s a positive, playful gesture, and not a negative or aggressive one. A small body language gesture shows that the love for the other person is more important than the issue at hand. The relationship far outweighs the subject matter of the disagreement. Ask yourself, during a past heated argument, have you ever started to just laugh and feel the weight of the argument drop off your shoulders? If so, you just experienced a repair attempt. 

Work on communicating! Reiterate your partner’s concerns: “So, what you’re telling me is ….” Basically you repeat your partner’s statement so you, the receiver, better understand the concern. 

Try to think of your partner as a gift given to you. When you think about it, it’s pretty amazing to have another human actually want to be with you and care a great deal for you. 

Remember, a marriage or a committed relationship takes work; yes, I said WORK. I can pretty much guarantee the relationship you’re currently in will have a lot of similarities as your past and maybe future relationships. Each relationship will have both green and brown patches in your lawn. You may know the saying, “The grass is greener where you water it.”

If married, remember your vows and understand what they mean and how to act out and honor these vows. Look them up, watch your wedding video.

I understand that some relationships must come to an end due to certain circumstances. Do your best to NOT be a doormat and DO have self-respect. In my opinion, a lot of relationship issues can be solved through proper communications and true Love. Remember, true love is kind, patient, understanding and compassionate; it does not envy, it is not proud or rude, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs (it forgives), and it does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. Love protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres; love never fails. 

Be sure to continue the activities YOU enjoy and long to do. For me, it’s been spending time with family and friends, motocross, boating, projects at home, working out, fishing and hunting. Each one of us has his or her own outlets. Do your best to participate in them. Plus, respect and support your partner’s activities. My guess is most of us will share activities with our partner.

Communication, whether through words, actions or body language, means SO much. A little advice: Be sure to take 10 to 20 minutes per day to just give your partner undivided attention. Remove the TV from your bedroom, and put your cell phones in another room so you can’t hear them. This will give both of you a place and time to vent, praise and, most of all, reconnect. 

Final thoughts

I hope you’re able to take something from this article and NOT increase our firefighter divorce rates. I know we have excellent gyms for our bodies, but I hope my words can help strengthen your mental health. Remember, try your best to really express your appreciation, honor and respect toward your significant other, and always let them know how much they mean to you. 

Happy communicating and I am very “Proud to Be Serving” with you.

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