Joke Threads, Merged [Archive] - Firehouse Forums

Co11FireChic

05-25-2001, 09:44 PM

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief. The weather was miserable and they hadn’t seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker. After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said, "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck. The captain and the chief asked, "How did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck". The captain then said, "I’ve had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6- point buck. The chief asked, "How did you get that?" The captain then replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief, not wanting to be out done, said, "I am out of here. I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and the captain asked, "What happened to you?" The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."

------------------------------------

There were three Firemen from Company 1 who always went bird hunting together and they always rented a hunting dog named Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would always hold point and find any birds they shoot. One year they didn't go hunting and the farmer rented Rex out to some Firemen from Company 2 who used him that season.
The next year the Co. 1 guys went to rent Rex from the farmer for hunting but the farmer had bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any good for hunting and didn't have a replacement for him and to tell the Co. 2 firemen they were not welcome there any more and that if he saw them he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex.
The Co. 1 Firemen asked the farmer what the Co. 2 boys did that could be so bad. Well the farmer said last year when they rented Rex it all started off fine until one of the Co. 2 guys decided to rename him. Well what's wrong with that they asked. The farmer said they renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his *** and bark all the time.

~Courtney http://server.firehouse.com/forums/smile.gif http://server.firehouse.com/forums/smile.gif

CAPTAIN WHO

05-28-2001, 12:04 PM

A Captain, Deputy Chief an Chief all sat down for lunch one day.

The Captain opened his lunch and in frustration screamed out "Peanut butter and Jam sandwiches again!. If I get a PB & J sandwich one more time I'm going to the top of the hose tower and throw myself off.

The Deputy Chief then opened his lunch, "Baloney and Mustard again, I can't believe this..If I get another Baloney sandwich I too am going to throw myself from the hose tower".

The Chief opens his lunch. "Ham and Cheese. By God if I have to eat another Ham and Cheese dinner, I'm going to the hose tower also."

The next day the 3 of them sat down to lunch.

The Captain opened his lunch..."PB & J! That's it"! He walks away and climbs to the top of the hose tower and falls to his death.

The Deputy Chief opens his lunch. "Baloney and Mustard again!" He walks off and also pitches himself from the hose tower, and falls to his death.

The Chief checks his lunch. "Ham and Cheese!"
Runs over to the hose tower and falls to his death also.

Later, at the funeral the Reverend is trying to comfort the poor, distraught widows of the fallen members.

He walks over to the 3 ladies who are trying to comfort each other. He speaks to the widow of the Captain. " I just don't understand it," she says, " If he just told me how much he hated PB & J, I never would have made it for him again!"

The Reverend turns to the Deputy Chief's widow. " I too, don't get it, " she said between tears and sobs. " If he only once expressed his hate for Baloney and Mustard, I would never have made it again."

The reverend then looked to the Chief's Widow, who now was almost hysterical with grief.

"Let me understand," he said to the Chief's Widow, " You to are blaiming yourself because he never told you how much he hated his lunch, And in telling you, You never would have done it again."

She looked at him with huge tears in her eye's " I just don't get it" she said between sobs, " I really don't get it!...HE MADE HIS OWN LUNCH!"

Andy

[This message has been edited by CAPTAIN WHO (edited 05-28-2001).]

vollieff

06-04-2001, 05:03 PM

On a rather bad day for weather, the chief and Asst. chief were sitting at the fire house after work as they have always done for years to chat for a while when the weather radio chimed in with a snow emergency and said that all cars in town must park on the odd side of the street. The chief says "oh my, I better move the chiefs vehicle". He gets up and dashes out and parks the car on the odd side of the street and returns minutes later to protest how far he had to go to find a spot. The next day the chief and Asst. were at the firehouse after work as usual when the weather radio chimed in again and declared another snow emergency, but this time everyone was supposed to park the cars on the even side of the street. With that, the chief jumped and again said "oh my, I better move the chiefs vehicle". Upon returning he again complained to the Asst. about having to park even farther away this time this time. The next day the chief and Asst. again where at the usual spot after work and... you guessed it, the weather radio again declared a snow emergency and wanted all cars to be on the even side of the street. The chief was so upset he began to complain to the Asst. about probably having to park even further away this time. The Asst. calmly looked at the chief and said "hey chief, why don't you just leave the car inside the firehouse where it's supposed to be"

HFVFD318

07-17-2001, 07:11 PM

[ 07-17-2001: Message edited by: HFVFD318 ]

COFire

07-19-2001, 12:34 AM

What do you have when your chief is up to his neck in cement??

NOT ENOUGH CEMENT!! :D

Adze39

07-19-2001, 01:27 AM

Just got this one in an email...

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either."

MarcusKspn

07-05-2007, 06:06 PM

Kiwi - I am hereby calling you out to a joke telling match to the death....

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator.

Old men may move slow but can still think fast!!!!

st42stephenAFT

07-05-2007, 06:10 PM

Not the funniest joke... but it does beat the golf club joke.......

*sigh*

MarcusKspn

07-05-2007, 06:13 PM

I can't go out swinging. If I pull my best joke already the contest would be over. Lets wait on a Kiwi comeback

JHR1985

07-05-2007, 07:33 PM

this joke got a wtf out of me...

a wtf for someone actually wasting my time with this crap.

So far, you and kiwi are tied for dead last.

rhvfd1214

07-06-2007, 10:29 AM

Kiwi - I am hereby calling you out to a joke telling match to the death....

How can you have a joke/death match without including the great ones like Malahat, and Doug???? Also, why does everyone seem to pick on Kiwi??

Ok, off of the soapbox...

How much for tickets to this show? When does the carnage begin?

FlyingKiwi

07-06-2007, 07:01 PM

A male Bear and a male Rabbit was walking about in the woods one day when suddenly coming across an old bottle. When touching the bottle a genie appeared, as they normally do, and told the pair that they had three wishes each.

The Bear started: I wish that all bears in this forrest, except for me, were ladies.

The Genie quickly snapped his finger and all bears in the forrest were female.

Now it was the Rabbits turn: I'd like to get this bigass castle with a huge field of carrots in front of it.

The Genie snapped his fingers and the Rabbit got his castle and carrots.

The Bear: I would just love it if all the bears, except for me, in this country would be females.

The Genie once more snapped his fingers and the Bears wish was fullfilled.

The Rabbit was a bit more held back in his next wish than the Bear and only wished for a fine wife and a couple of mistresses on the side..

The Genie said: Your wish is fulfilled and snapped his fingers.

Now it was time for the Bear to make his final wish: I want ALL the bears in the WORLD, except for me of course, to be females!

The Genie once more snapped his fingers and all the bears in the world, except for the Bear, were females.

Now, the Rabbit made his final wish:

I wish that the Bear was gay!

snowball

07-06-2007, 09:18 PM

I dunno, I'll have to see more!;)

JHR1985

07-06-2007, 09:56 PM

..... I really think they should change the title to battle of the stupid jokes.

Oh I got one....

A bear walked into a bar and ordered a rum

:pause:

and coke

The bartender goes "Why the pause?"

The bear said "What? I've had these my whole life?"

res54cuecaptain

07-06-2007, 10:39 PM

ohh ohh ohh i have one!

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." :p

res54cuecaptain

07-06-2007, 10:52 PM

ohh i got another one!

What is an Eskimo cow called ?
An eskimoo

=========================

THIS JOKE HAS BEEN DELETED BY THE STUPID.COM SENSORS.
Too bad. You would have found it REAL funny.

ok im done now :p

*oh and i think the people from stupid.com need to look at some of the threads and posts on this site!*

MarcusKspn

07-08-2007, 02:56 AM

Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"

Dickey

07-08-2007, 04:46 AM

Two canibals are eating a dead clown... One canibal says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you??"

RspctFrmCalgary

07-08-2007, 07:26 AM

None of these even got a smile let alone an out loud HA HA :( You guys have a long longggg way to go :rolleyes: :D :D :D

Hey Snowball, shove over please. At this rate it's going to be a long show and I need to sit down. :p

MarcusKspn

07-08-2007, 07:50 AM

I will now post my entire arsenal of Pirate Jokes:

1) Have you seen the new Pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrrr
2) Where do Pirates like to eat? Arrrrby's
3) A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

hwoods

07-08-2007, 11:04 AM

A reporter was at a Nursing Home, gathering material for a story on longevity. His interview included the final two questions: 1. "To what do you owe your long life to?" followed by 2. "If I may ask, how old are you?". The reporter had interviewed a few elderly folks, and as he walked down the hall, he encountered an elderly male, stooped shoulders, flowing white hair, thin bony fingers clutching a cane, as he slowly made his way to his room.

The Reporter introduced himself, explained his upcoming story about long life, and asked the Gentleman if he would answer a few questions. They chatted for a while, then the reporter asked: "What have you done in life to get to this point?" The Gentleman replied: "Well, I spent a lot of time Posting on Firehouse Forums...." The reporter said: "Well gee, that's nice..... How old are you now?" The Gentleman replied: "Twenty Six...."

rhvfd1214

07-08-2007, 12:56 PM

**sigh**

inserting live round into cylinder...spinning cylinder.... pulling hammer back... click.

Dang, lost again...

fireman4949

07-08-2007, 01:05 PM

**sigh**

inserting live round into cylinder...spinning cylinder.... pulling hammer back... click.

Dang, lost again...

Dude, if you really had a pair, you would play "Full House" Russian Roulette...That's where you load 5 of the 6 chambers. ;)

Many will play...Few will win! :eek: :eek: :eek:

MalahatTwo7

07-09-2007, 09:05 AM

OK... it took a while to "step up" on this one, but here goes:

Enjoy

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE, Me for this....

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

=======
OR:

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

Fall Classes for Men

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Monday, Aug 30, 2007

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2

The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6

Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!

Aren't you sorry you ever gave me your email address?????

PATF1engineer

07-09-2007, 09:45 AM

The manager of a grocery store was walking down the paper products isle when he sees an indian chief with a puzzled look on his face. The manager asks him "Can I help you?"

The chief says "Me looking for new toliet paper, must have good indian name, not too much wampum".

The manager says "Well, we have White Cloud, it is $3.99 a package".

The chief says "White Cloud good indian name, too much wampum".

The manager then says "Well, we also have Cottenelle, it is $2.99 a package".

The chief replies "That is not good indian name, and still too much wampum".

The manager, getting a little frustrated, says "We also have generic toliet paper, it is $0.99".

The chief asks "What means generic?"

The manager says "Generic means it doesn't have a name".

The chief says "Me take your generic toliet paper, come back in couple of days with name for it".

A couple of days later the chief comes to see the manager and tells him "Me have name for no name toliet paper, me call it John Wayne".

The manager says "John Wayne, why did you call it that"?

The chief replies "Cause it is rough, it is tough, and it takes no sh1t off indian"!

rhvfd1214

07-09-2007, 10:02 AM

....loading second live round into cylinder....spinning cylinder...pulling hammer back....

....CLICK....

Dang, lost again....

Time for some popcorn, cuz this might take a while...

MalahatTwo7

07-09-2007, 10:50 AM

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

You Got Served!

You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby!

=====

HE'S BAAACCKKK... and in full form! :D

Have a Wonderful day

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

THERE! Y'all happy now? LOL :D:D

kprsn1

07-09-2007, 02:32 PM

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog "Buddy"--and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. . . . Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

fireman4949

07-09-2007, 02:39 PM

BLSboy

07-09-2007, 04:37 PM

....loading second live round into cylinder....spinning cylinder...pulling hammer back....

....CLICK....

Dang, lost again....

Time for some popcorn, cuz this might take a while...

I got an automatic, wanna borrow that?:p :D

JHR1985

07-09-2007, 07:41 PM

3) A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.
The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"
"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"

I laughed for 10 minutes with that one. :D

FlyingKiwi

07-10-2007, 01:00 AM

Group of pig hunters were relaxing in a back country bar here in New Zealand having a couple or four ales.

Big guy walks in and says "I got the biggest meanest pig dog around."

Now this is a sure way to get attention of the people who hunt buy having their dogs bale up wild pigs, then jump on them and slit thier throat with a knife.

In short order everyone is out back and the first dog is lined up when this guy hauls a 16 stone slathering monster dog from his truck.

Soon after as he is drinking his winnings at the bar a little gay boy from the city walks in and asks (insert whimpy voice here)

"Who owns the big doggy out back?"

"Why" asks the big pig hunter.

"My doggy just killed it." comes the reply.

Stunned silence follows

"Now what sort of dog you got that killed my boy?" asks the hunter.

"A Chihuahua" comes the reply.

Laughing the hunter asks "How in the heck did your Chihuahua kill my 16 stone pig dog then."

"got stuck in his throat"

Dickey

07-10-2007, 02:13 AM

Ok, this is bound to make you laugh..........

A happy guy....
I was a very happy guy. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom,
and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask
for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is :

Always keep your condoms in your car...

Dickey

07-11-2007, 01:15 AM

^^bump^^

C'mon Kiwi, gotta come up with a another one:D

malana1

07-11-2007, 01:30 AM

What is the difference between an elephant and a grape?

Grapes are purple

Firewhisperer1

07-11-2007, 12:43 PM

3 military guys are doing their paperwork for their retirement. They explain to the 3 men how their retirement is figured. They are to list 2 body parts, and someone will measure between these 2 body parts and they get $1000.00 per inch for their retirement. The first guys steps up and says I want to be measured from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. Guy measures and says 72", you get 72,000. Next guy steps up and says, measure me from the tip of my toes to the tip of my outstretched arm above my head. Guy measures and says 96", you get 96,000. Next guy steps up and says, I want to be measured from the tip of my weenie, to my b**ls. The guy questions his decision, but he says yes thats what I want to do. So the guys steps up, drops trou. The guy starts at the tip and goes back, stops and says"dayyuuumm"!!! wheres your bal*s? The guys says "Vietnam"

MalahatTwo7

07-11-2007, 01:24 PM

dreamer737

07-11-2007, 02:01 PM

FlyingKiwi

07-11-2007, 04:45 PM

Having heard that Cousin Cletus and family were arriving, Dreamer decides to fire up the BBQ for some down home cookin.

JHR1985

07-11-2007, 06:56 PM

all these jokes make me yawn....

I wish I had two more hands so I could give these jokes 4 thumbs down....

the damn pirate with the bounty on his head has been the best of them all

MarcusKspn

07-11-2007, 08:13 PM

For The Scottsmen:

A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking. He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '

FlyingKiwi

07-12-2007, 12:18 AM

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock and anger on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."

MarcusKspn

07-12-2007, 10:58 AM

A fireman walks into a bar and waves the bartender down. The fireman asks for a beer and offers to tell a joke about policemen. The bartender replies in a ****y tone "Look guy ...I'm a retired cop, that guy shooting pool is a cop, and that guy 2 seats down from you is a cop. You still want to tell that joke?" The fireman says: "No, I don't want to have to repeat it 3 times..."

FlyingKiwi

07-12-2007, 11:43 PM

(this one is dedicated to JHR, so he can stop Honking.) :p

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord, because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there.

I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

FlyingKiwi

07-13-2007, 12:19 AM

Recently I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Speights, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy @ss neighbor and calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

MalahatTwo7

07-13-2007, 12:51 AM

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

After a while you realize the PIG enjoys it! :D:D

JHR1985

07-13-2007, 01:23 AM

if my kids(if I had any) told me those jokes, I would beat them senseless for wasting my time

FlyingKiwi

07-13-2007, 04:01 AM

So, I guess You mow the lawns then.

JHR1985

07-13-2007, 11:15 AM

No. I sit back, drinking beer and reading crappy jokes while my wife mow's the lawn

JHR1985

07-13-2007, 01:44 PM

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

SapphyreBlues

07-13-2007, 11:57 PM

I just read through these - and all of the other joke thread. One thing comes to mind -- y'all just ain't right :eek:

But really, I've liked them. Of course, I'm easily amused :p

hwoods

07-14-2007, 12:44 AM

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

After a while you realize the PIG enjoys it! :D:D

No! No!, It's SQUAD Driver............. :D :D :D

rhvfd1214

07-14-2007, 09:31 PM

Arguing with a Truck Driver is like wrestling with a pig in the mud.

After a while you realize the PIG enjoys it! :D:D

Don't forget the part about how they both smell the same....10-4?

FlyingKiwi

07-17-2007, 06:43 PM

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again. "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

SapphyreBlues

07-18-2007, 12:46 AM

Oh that just ain't right :D

PATF1engineer

07-20-2007, 09:39 AM

Double post

PATF1engineer

07-20-2007, 09:40 AM

What do you call a nun that has had a sex change?

A trans-sister.

FlyingKiwi

08-01-2007, 11:58 PM

The world's shortest fairy tale.

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?

The girl said "" NO !! ""

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

(Marcus you are slipping)

superchef

08-02-2007, 01:02 AM

deleted by user

frenchfireball

08-02-2007, 06:31 AM

and the girl lived happlily ever after too, hunting, fishing, doing housework naked (cuz she doesn't have to worry about a mother-in-law showing up), taking a nice hot bubble bath whenever she wanted, using the Guinness to make brownies....:D

lmao,"doing housework naked",you said.and why not farting at this moment,it helps to put the dust out,lol.joke.

polecat

08-03-2007, 01:13 PM

A young fireman looking to play a round of golf on ladies day, is assigned to join a threesome of women that included Natalie Gulbis (LPGA hottie). Desperate to make a love connection with the Anna Kournakova look-alike, he asks her," If I drive this 400 yard green,will you join me later for dinner?" The buxom blond bombshell looks at his mismatched set of sticks and agrees. Amazingly the 35 handicapper launches a huge drive that manages to roll onto the short grass. Later in the round, he once again proposes a deal. "If I can ace this 230 yard par 3, will you come home with me for a drink?" Sure enough his tee shot finds the cup after bouncing off the cart path. The anticipation of his dream date is nearly unbearable as he strolls up to the 18th green where he is stunned to hear the tanned vixon ask him,"If I drain this 80 foot putt,will you sleep with me?" In total disbelief, he surveys the impossible,double breaker,down hill putt, and says with a wry smile,"It's a gimme".

MarcusKspn

08-04-2007, 07:20 PM

Two Teenage whales are on a date in the ocean. They are swimming along, making small talk when they come across a whaling boat.

The boy whale's eyes opened big. "Thats the Boat that killed my dad," he said and turned to his date, "Let's swim underneath the boat and blow all the air out of our blowholes, that way they will capsize and my fathers death will be revenged."

The girl whale, trying to make a good impression on her date, agrees and they swim under the boat. At the perfect moment they blow out all the air and cause the boat to capsize.

The whale's watch the comotion and the boy whale notices the men on the boat getting into life rafts and rowing away from the sinking boat.

Angry he turns to the girl whale. "They are getting away, we must avenge my fathers death. Lets go over there and eat them so that they will die."

The girl whale turns around and looks at him agrily. "Listen, I know this is our first date, and I agreed to the blowjob. But there is no way in hell I'll swallow seamen!!!"

RspctFrmCalgary

08-04-2007, 10:16 PM

*groan* That was bad, Marcus.

A young fireman looking to play a round of golf on ladies day, is assigned to join a threesome of women that included Natalie Gulbis (LPGA hottie). Desperate to make a love connection with the Anna Kournakova look-alike, he asks her," If I drive this 400 yard green,will you join me later for dinner?" The buxom blond bombshell looks at his mismatched set of sticks and agrees. Amazingly the 35 handicapper launches a huge drive that manages to roll onto the short grass. Later in the round, he once again proposes a deal. "If I can ace this 230 yard par 3, will you come home with me for a drink?" Sure enough his tee shot finds the cup after bouncing off the cart path. The anticipation of his dream date is nearly unbearable as he strolls up to the 18th green where he is stunned to hear the tanned vixon ask him,"If I drain this 80 foot putt,will you sleep with me?" In total disbelief, he surveys the impossible,double breaker,down hill putt, and says with a wry smile,"It's a gimme".

Hey polecat, that's not a joke, that's just you sharing last night's dream with us. :p :D :D :cool:

MarcusKspn

08-04-2007, 10:19 PM

*groan* That was bad.

Don't lie, you had to hold back a little grin...;)

RspctFrmCalgary

08-04-2007, 10:19 PM

LOL......

Your reply got more of a laugh out of me. An actual chuckle :p :D

Dusty27

08-06-2007, 07:15 PM

more like a grimmace...

FlyingKiwi

08-06-2007, 08:01 PM

You drive a Ford.

You have every right to Grimmace and Wince all day.

Dusty27

08-06-2007, 10:18 PM

hey, hey, hey...i resemble that remark!
i have a sticker that says "Chevrolet Recovery Unit" on my tool box...gets a laugh out of the cheif, who drives an S-10. he said if he does get stuck (likly, its 2WD) ill be haulin his butt out of the ditch.

MarcusKspn

08-07-2007, 08:47 PM

This thread is useless without Kiwi...

RspctFrmCalgary

08-07-2007, 09:39 PM

This thread is useless without Kiwi...

Yeah ...... :( :( :(

SapphyreBlues

08-07-2007, 09:42 PM

how long is he inactive for? anybody know?

ThNozzleman

08-07-2007, 10:19 PM

how long is he inactive for? anybody know?
Usually, it's 30 days.

RspctFrmCalgary

08-07-2007, 10:43 PM

I heard 4, but who really knows around here. :rolleyes:

ThNozzleman

08-07-2007, 10:45 PM

I heard 4, but who really knows around here.
If it's only four days, then there is definitely a disparity between the punishments being handed out around here.

RspctFrmCalgary

08-07-2007, 10:48 PM

There's disparity in more than the discipline, Robert .... what Kiwi said in his post was a lot less offensive than a lot of the ***** you see people sling at each other around here on a daily basis. :mad:

Oh well, what can ya do? :confused: :(

SapphyreBlues

08-08-2007, 12:31 AM

When I first came here, I was checking out everything on this site. And I've been here for more than 4 days, and some of the same people are still in the hole...might depend on what they did too...

MarcusKspn

08-08-2007, 12:38 AM

Kiwi - When and if you read this:

Your jokes really weren't THAT horrible. Just a little bit bad, but tolerable.

ThNozzleman

08-08-2007, 12:51 AM

Steamin441

08-08-2007, 09:21 PM

Where were we? Oh yeah- A seal goes into a bar. The bartender asks - What will you have?
The seal answers - Anything but a Canadian Club.

SapphyreBlues

08-08-2007, 10:07 PM

Under his name, it says memberzone subscriber instead of temporarily inactive like it did...could they have let him outta the hole? :eek: Geez they coulda warned some people!

RspctFrmCalgary

08-08-2007, 10:15 PM

Kiwi has already posted. It would appear he is indeed back.

FlyingKiwi

08-08-2007, 10:40 PM

I have no opnion about if this joke may or may not be funny, as I am not allowed one of them.

You must make up your own mind if this joke is funny or not, I can not influence your decision in any way.

Nor can I attempt to change your mind, or help you understand it if you fail to get the context of the message.

---------------------------------

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And pushed him over.

SapphyreBlues

08-08-2007, 11:03 PM

That was funny. Not that you in any way influenced my decision that it was. Just for the record. :D

Now the sad part about it. What you posted has so much truth to it. I could get really deep with that, but religion is a very sure way to get a thread shut down. While most can be civil, some can't speak their mind without having their inner child respond for them. :rolleyes:

MarcusKspn

08-10-2007, 03:44 AM

Two good ol' boys in a Northeastern Ga. trailer park were sitting
around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the
first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off hunting
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute scratched his
head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about it making us kin, but it sure would make us even."

MarcusKspn

08-10-2007, 03:45 AM

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're kidding' me! "

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . You started it."

Kiltedfirepiper

08-10-2007, 04:02 AM

ok that last one was funny!!!

damn! the jokes are getting good!!!!!....I can't tell my joke now.....oh well.....I will anyways!

why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
cause if it had 4 it would be a chicken Sedan

( crickets chirping.......)

hello ?
(taps the mic)
is this thing on?

hey its still better than some of what I've seen on last comic standing!

KFP

Steamin441

08-10-2007, 10:49 AM

A blond,a lawyer,a midget,a giraffe, and a drunk all go into a bar. The bartender asks -

What is this,,,some kind of a joke?

MalahatTwo7

08-10-2007, 01:59 PM

I can remember variations of this one.... it may be here (somewhere) already {my apologies if it is}

A Lt. narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the Lt. began to slip from the saddle. He grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse galloped along, seemingly unaware of its slipping rider.

Finally, losing his frail grip, the Lt. attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse as his head struck against the ground over and over and over. As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness....., to his great fortune a Petty Officer from a local Naval unit who was passing by Wal-Mart saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

Have a Wonderful day

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

frenchfireball

08-10-2007, 05:50 PM

little jokes:

a lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:"husband wanted".next day she received a hundred letters.they all said the same thing:

"you can have mine".

a little boy asked his father,
"daddy,how much does it cost to get married?"
father replied:""i do not know,son,i'm still paying".

MarcusKspn

08-10-2007, 08:29 PM

What coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka......

FlyingKiwi

08-14-2007, 05:39 PM

One of my all time favourites.

-----------------

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to sod off and let him get some sleep but they went on and on and on and on, finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for fresh blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES YES YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't!"

MarcusKspn

08-14-2007, 06:36 PM

What do the cows and sheep on Brokeback Mountain eat?

*In a very Gay Voice* Heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy

RspctFrmCalgary

08-14-2007, 09:11 PM

Most of the jokes so far are so gaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy :D :p Here's one my sister sent me last night ....

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.""Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst, " and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."What are you talking about?" asks the guy."When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at thedoor in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously.

"THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,"reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

:D :D :D

JHR1985

08-15-2007, 12:02 AM

dont ever tell a crappy joke like that again

FlyingKiwi

08-15-2007, 08:54 AM

Note to self.

Write joke told about the old couple at the doctor for checkup as told at Brigade tonight.

MalahatTwo7

08-15-2007, 11:21 AM

We might have seen this one already - its getting hard to remember....
===

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm off for the weekend so I really don't need the paperwork. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

JumpingAustin

08-15-2007, 11:51 AM

Great jokes!

FlyingKiwi

08-15-2007, 04:53 PM

An elerly couple (late 80's) head off to the Doctor for the health check ups.

After the exams the Doctor gets them both together and says. "Mrs Jones you are fit and healthy, Mr Jones I am a bit concerned with some of the results from your check up. What I would like to do is gather a sperm sample, a stool sample, and a urine sample from you."

Now Mr Jones is hard of hearing and being a bit confused turned to his wife and said "What did the young man say?"

She replied....

HE WANT'S YOUR UNDERPANTS.

MarcusKspn

08-15-2007, 05:19 PM

Not a joke, but from a funny e-mail:

Excerpts from a Dog's diary:

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Excerpts from a Cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by
weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit
on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the
headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to
plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.
This time however it included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their
accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to
MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are
flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has
got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety
is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of
time......

MalahatTwo7

08-17-2007, 09:40 AM

THE OFFICE CONTEST TO BEAT ALL OFFICE CONTESTS

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top
10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. Viagra, This is your peepee, this is your peepee on drugs.
=======
Subject: How True.. How True..

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from St. John's arrived and bet $20,000 on a single role of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON!!" She then hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked... "What did she role?" The other answered, "I don't know.. I thought you were watching?!"

MORAL: Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but men are men!
======
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was
always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo
choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use
'Big People' words."

She then asked little Zach what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" [I love
this]

Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the *****."

ghost62

08-17-2007, 12:46 PM

2 blondes sitting on a porch in Oklahoma.
one staring at the night sky, she turns to the other ans inquires "so what is farther away Florida or the moon?" the other looks at her with discust and says" can you see florida from here?" Duh!

doughesson

08-17-2007, 12:58 PM

Remember,in every organization,there is ONE person who knows exactly what is going on.
This person must be found out and fired.

MalahatTwo7

08-17-2007, 02:04 PM

Remember,in every organization,there is ONE person who knows exactly what is going on.
This person must be found out and fired.

Thanks Doug. I needed that chuckle. Its been a long dreary day, and a good laugh is a good thing. Thanks. :D:D

polecat

08-17-2007, 04:56 PM

An unemployed father of 3 hungry teenage boys is stopped at a game check, after returning from a morning hunt. Upon inspection of his trunk, several dead seagulls are discovered. The warden informs the hunter that there is no open season for seagulls and that he was facing a fefty fine. The remorsefull man explains his dire situation at home and convinces the game officer to let him off with a warning. Before allowing the desperate hunter on his way, the curious c.o. asks the dishevelled man what seagull meat tastes likes. The hunter paused for a moment before nervously repling," a combination of bald eagle and spotted owl.

FlyingKiwi

08-18-2007, 05:51 PM

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, " He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 . He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. ..

Up to 80 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

LtJohns355

08-19-2007, 12:24 AM

that was a good one kiwi!

doughesson

08-20-2007, 02:53 PM

Two of my sisters went to Mexico during the 80s and one got so bug bit she had to go to a hospital.
To make matters worse,my other sister only had enough money to pay for a 7 word telegram to the folks.
So when she figured out what to say,this is what Western Union delivered to our parents:"Anacin the hospital STOP Adamant bitter asinine places STOP".

FlyingKiwi

08-20-2007, 09:09 PM

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looks him over, "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a Hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a Hat."

RspctFrmCalgary

08-23-2007, 01:03 AM

frenchfireball

08-23-2007, 06:11 AM

LMFAO!!! OK now that one was funny, enough to get a laugh out of me! :D :D :D :D

this joke was so funny,roflmao.

FlyingKiwi

08-26-2007, 11:49 PM

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door , who do you let in first?
The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------------------------------------ -------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------- ------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut , and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning , God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then , neither God nor Man has rested.

Tooanfrom

08-27-2007, 02:18 AM

Here is an item that all you guys out there will purchase.

The Japs have just invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her mouth shut!!;) ;)

MalahatTwo7

08-27-2007, 10:07 AM

"SERVITIUM NULLI SECUNDUS"

Have You Spoken to this Man? Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass
it, you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready".

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready".

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.' "

Mujibar now works as a tech support person at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I have. (See his picture and office below. )

kprsn1

08-27-2007, 10:31 AM

Margaret and Bert made me think of this cowboy joke....

A woman goes into a bar. There’s a cowboy sprawled out, sitting in a chair, his feet up on the table. She notices his boots are huge. She gets a drink, then another, then another, and finally she can’t resist and goes over to him:

“Uh...is it true what they say about the size of your boots and uh...another body part?”

“Shore is,” said the cowboy with a big grin.

They started drinking together and eventually went to a motel.

Next morning as they were both getting dressed, she took a hundred dollar bill out of her purse and laid it on the dresser.

“What’re you doing that for”” the cowboy asked. “I don’t need any money.”

“Sure you do,” she said, “you need to buy yourself some boots that fit..

doughesson

08-27-2007, 12:55 PM

This happened a few years ago on live TV and the players have all moved on to different local TV stations.
The weather forecaster was planning to teach a little astronomy during his segment and the lead in went a bit like this:
Claudia(seated at the news desk):"Jim,what will we be learning tonight?"
Jim:"Claudia,when we come back,we'll be studying the moons around Uranus."
The stage crew was able to keep it in until the commercial break when everyone present began braying like a bunch of jacks and jennies.

frenchfireball

08-27-2007, 02:25 PM

first guys says: "my wife is an angel!."
second guy remarks,"you are lucky.mine is still alive."

a woman's payer:

dear Lord,i pray for wisdom,to understand a man,to love and forgive him,and for patience,for his moods.because,Lord,if i pray for strength,i will just beat him to death."

FlyingKiwi

08-29-2007, 12:03 AM

An old bastard couple pulls up to a service station in Ashburton:

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Bloke: Please fill it up.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Bloke: To Timaru to see our Grandchildren.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke[yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

Old Bloke: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke[yelling]: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Bloke: We started our trip from Nelson.

Old Shelia: What did he say?

Old Bloke [yelling]: He asked where we're from and I said Nelson.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Nelson once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He says he knows you.

FlyingKiwi

08-29-2007, 12:05 AM

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In Las Vegas, But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshippers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In

This Is Done By The Chip Monks...!.:)

You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You ..?

LtJohns355

08-29-2007, 01:33 AM

that was pretty good ian

KenNFD1219

08-29-2007, 02:01 AM

A man, driving with his wife, gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop says "do you know you were speeding". The man says "no officer."
The wife pipes up and says "you told me no one would stop you if you were going 20 over the limit."

The cop says "you're not wearing your seatbelt." The man says "Honest officer, I always do." The wife says "you never wear that thing because you say you'll never be in an accident."

The cop then says "you have a brake light out". The man says "I didn't know that". The wife promptly says "Honey, you told me that the light was out two weeks ago". The man turns to her and says "Please just STFU".

The cop asks the wife "is he always this rude?" She says, "only when he's drinking."

MarcusKspn

08-30-2007, 11:08 AM

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

- Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown, covering up any exposed areas if you see husband along the way.
- Get in the shower. Use face cloth, loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again. Condition with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. - Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes. - Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. - Rinse conditioner from hair.
- Shave armpits and legs.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower; spray mold spots with Tilex. - Get out of shower; dry with towel the size of a small country; wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head; if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
- Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
- Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
- Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
- pee.
- Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. - Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
- If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
- Throw wet towel on bed.

MalahatTwo7

08-30-2007, 12:44 PM

Throw wet towel on bed.

And then say your prayers because you know she's gonna kill you for all that. :D:D

ffbam24

08-30-2007, 08:01 PM

Old man runs into his doctor on the street while running errands. Asks him, "Doc, I think my wife is going deaf. She acts as if she never hears a word I say. She's so dang stubborn and won't get it checked out. Any ideas how I might be able to confirm this?"

Doctor thinks for a moment and says, "When you see her again, talk in a normal voice to her. Do so first at 20'. If she doesn't seem to hear you try again at 15'. If still nothing keep stopping every 5' and talking in your normal voice."

Old man goes home and finds his wife in the kitchen at the sink preparing dinner. He thinks now's my chance. He walks up, stops 20' behind her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

No answer.

He thinks, dangit, walks up to 15' behind her and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No answer.

Five more feet and he asks again, "Hon', what are you making for dinner?"

She turns around and says loudly, "D@mnnit, for the third time, chicken!"

polecat

08-30-2007, 09:14 PM

While preparing for a weekend duck hunt, this firemans wife asks if she can accompany him. He makes her agree to not complain about waking up at 5:00 am, and if so, she would have to perform oral or anal sex. She agrees.

Sure enough his wife refuses to leave her warm sleeping bag to head out into the pouring rain. With-out further ado, she begrudgingly begins to pay off her debt. Immediately she is overcome by a terrible taste in her mouth, and informs her husband she cannot continue,as his penis tastes like $hit.

"Thats because the dog didn't want to go hunting either", laughed the husband.

FlyingKiwi

08-30-2007, 10:12 PM

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the Road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What is Going on here?'

'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.

'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!' asks the Officer.

'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' she replied.

MarcusKspn

08-31-2007, 09:46 AM

Two Cowboys are riding through the desert and come accross a rattlesnake. One of the horses gets spooked and throws the cowboy off, and he lands right next to the snake. Before he knew what happened the snake jumps forward and bites him in the scrotum.

Panicked the other cowboy rides into town as fast as he can and finds the doctor. "Doctor, my friend got bitten by a Rattler in the Nuts, what do I do?"
The good Doctor replied: "You need to go back and suck the poison out. If you do that he will be okay."

The cowboy rides back into the desert as fast as he can and finds his friend, weak and pale.

"What did the Doctor say?"

His friend looks at him sadly and replies:

"He said you are going to die...."

FlyingKiwi

09-05-2007, 05:16 PM

Malahat. What have you done!!!

MalahatTwo7

09-06-2007, 10:10 AM

After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama is still alive,'
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

doughesson

09-06-2007, 03:19 PM

This Mafia chief decides to hire a deaf accountant to make sure no one can steal his money.However,he didn't count on the guy cooking his books until the IRS came and got him on tax evasion charges.
After doing his time,the mafioso starts to question the accountant about how he'd been caught and what happened to his money.
The ASL interpreter the Don had hired immediately caught on when the accountant started signing that he'd tell what he knew,but the interpreter decided to cut himself in on his own piece of the action,as Captain Kirk would say.
The interpreter strung the mafia Don on until he was seriously angry enough that interpretation wasn't needed.
He pulled his gun out,****ed it and told the interpreter to"Tell that SOB if he doesn't tell me where my money is,I'm gonna kill him here and now."
The accountant is frantically signing now saying"The money is hidden under the garage I had built after you got arrested."
The Don says'What'd he say?"
"He says that you don't have the guts to pull that trigger" says the interpreter.

doughesson

09-07-2007, 03:52 PM

In court,the charges were being read against the defendent:
Judge:"You are hereby charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel..."
Onlooker in courtroom:"You lying son of a b****!"
Judge:"I will have order in this courtroom!Now,you are also charged with killing the mailman with a nail gun."
Onlooker:"Why you unconcious bustard!"
Judge:"SIT DOWN,YOU! And you are also charged with using a hammer to beat a paperboy to death."
Onlooker:"Throw him so far under the jail,they have to slingshot daylight to him,Judge!"
Judge:"Sir,you will be quiet or I will have the bailliff escort you to a cell on contempt of court charges."
Onlooker:"Sorry,your Honor.It's just that the defendent has lived next to me for 15 years and do you think ONCE he had a tool I could borrow when I needed one?"

Tooanfrom

09-10-2007, 02:48 AM

Pavorotti is beating the living daylights out of the gates of heaven.

St.Peter finally appears"Oh, its you Luciano--squeeze thru"

"Oy. Jesus heres that tenor I owe you":D

MalahatTwo7

09-10-2007, 10:03 AM

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
=========

GIDDY-UP!!

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks " Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, Well, it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her....... So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt........so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.......so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.......so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy...."

And here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blond men do exist!!!!!!!

FlyingKiwi

09-19-2007, 04:26 PM

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner.

The room got very quiet. Finally a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher,

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

firecat1

09-19-2007, 09:07 PM

:) Oops, sorry, dozed off. One of yous needs to ramp it up!!

FlyingKiwi

09-20-2007, 01:11 AM

As my mother used to say to me years ago.

"Do the business, or get off the potty."

Eg. Contribute or shut up and continue sleeping.

MalahatTwo7

09-20-2007, 10:16 AM

As my mother used to say to me years ago.

"Do the business, or get off the potty."

Eg. Contribute or shut up and continue sleeping.

Quote from Captain Rob:

"*uck, fight or hold the light!"

polecat

09-20-2007, 12:01 PM

A young mother nursing her new born baby at the materity ward, asked the older native woman next to her what she named her daughter. " Suzy" she replied, just like her 8 sisters. Thinking how confusing that must be for the girls, the new mother asked the prolific breeder how she got the attention of one particular girl ? Thats easy she said, I just call them by their last names ".

JHR1985

09-20-2007, 12:28 PM

a horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Now that I've said that, I can say these jokes, including mine suck.

doughesson

09-20-2007, 01:07 PM

Quote from Captain Rob:

"*uck, fight or hold the light!"
On one of the towboats I worked as a deckhand on several years ago,the Mate was the sort that couldn't get his tongue held right while laying the wires holding the barges together.
If anyone tried to lend him a hand,he'd holler"I'm f***ing this dog,you just hold its head."
Man,I couldn't get back to the wheelhouse to request a transfer quick enough.That was just wrong.

polecat

09-20-2007, 02:24 PM

a horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"

Now that I've said that, I can say these jokes, including mine suck.

Yes, you are absolutetly correct, your joke sucks. If you don't find the jokes in this thread funny, you are either a moron, or have no sense of humor.

FlyingKiwi

09-20-2007, 06:09 PM

Play nicely in the sandpit kiddies.

JHR1985

09-20-2007, 10:41 PM

Yes, you are absolutetly correct, your joke sucks. If you don't find the jokes in this thread funny, you are either a moron, or have no sense of humor.

Sorry if I'm not entertained by a round ball tied to a paddle. I like my stuff to be funny

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 12:07 AM

Oh for heavens sake, play nice.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY? I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the d*mn poison.

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 12:14 AM

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 12:17 AM

Miss Molly asks the kids of the second grade "How long can a man live without sleep ?"

Bob on the first row replies : "24 hours" .

"Good" says the teacher .

Luke on the second row says "48 hours" .

"Good" says the teacher again . Then she turns to Johnny who's daydreaming again "So, Johnny , how long do you think ?"

"I think" he says pensivley "Three weeks minus a quarter of an hour".

"I should have known" sighs the teacher "That you would give another of your stupid answers".

"Look miss" Johnny replies "You can say whatever you want but last night I heard my dad say to my mom : today we're going to bed 15 minutes earlier cos it's been 3 weeks".

JHR1985

09-21-2007, 12:40 AM

a little trick to use at the bar....

as someone buys themselves a shot... walk over to them and tell them "I bet you a dollar I can drink that shot without touching the glass with my hands."

As they are like :eek: thats impossible and take you up for the bet, just lean back, rub your hands together, blow on the glass then take your hands and gulp it down.

As they are like... hey, you said you wouldnt use your hands.... just go... opps. I couldnt do it. Here is your dollar and walk off

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 12:50 AM

In Kiwi Land that would translate more as....

"Here is a dumb @ss idea to get yourself hospitalised quickly and effectively with severe facial injuries."

JHR1985

09-21-2007, 01:43 AM

works best on drunks, dumbasses, and small people.

So, in Kiwi land, it appears your gonna have easy pickings

Tooanfrom

09-21-2007, 03:22 AM

works best on drunks, dumbasses, and small people.

So, in Kiwi land, it appears your gonna have easy pickings

Incoming-Incoming!

You have just proved that not everyone is useless--even if they are just a horrible example of mankind

Us Kiwi's stick together!

Kia Kaha

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 04:30 AM

No worries my Whangaparoa friend.

Every one knows things are bigger in Texas.

This apparently includes the cranial structure to neural network space of the residents.

Which is potentialy why in the old cowboy movies you never saw the indians going for head shots.

firecat1

09-21-2007, 10:00 AM

Yes, you are absolutetly correct, your joke sucks. If you don't find the jokes in this thread funny, you are either a moron, or have no sense of humor.

The jokes ARE funny, I just can't wait to see who wins the joke-off!

JHR1985

09-21-2007, 01:43 PM

Which is potentialy why in the old cowboy movies you never saw the indians going for head shots.

You have it wrong. They tried. But, they were too drunk. Hmmm... much have been that kiwi blood in them :eek:

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 05:50 PM

When trying for a witty comeback it must be noted that they work better when words are used in the correct sequence or meaning within a sentence.

firecat1

09-21-2007, 06:45 PM

You might be a volunteer if:

You've woken up thinking your pager went off and as you look at it..., it does.

You lay out your clothes from that day so if there is a call at night you can find them quickly.

You carry enough in your car to extinguish a minor blaze.

You spend a great deal of time explaining to your friends what it means to be a volunteer- "Yes, I'm ALWAYS on duty. No, I'm not kidding!"

You can hear that the siren will go off even before your dog does.

The microwave goes off and you're already out of the house thinking it was your pager... when you realize the popcorn is done.

Your wife/girlfriend has learned to duck and take cover when they hear the pager go off for fear of being run down.

Your girlfriend/wife plays the TONES just to get your attention!!

You leave your spouse with a full cart of groceries, in the checkout line of the grocery store to go to a structure fire.

You have ever run out of the diner across from the station when the tones go off without paying.... Yelling back to them, "Ill be right back!!"

You complain about all the calls you are getting but secretly wish there were more!

You buy the station wagon/minivan/SUV just so that you have enough room in your car for all your gear.

You're children own their own "real" bunker gear and think it is their right to go with you to a call.

JHR1985

09-21-2007, 06:53 PM

When trying for a witty comeback it must be noted that they work better when words are used in the correct sequence or meaning within a sentence.

You know... you are SOOOO true...

In Kiwi Land that would translate more as....

"Here is a dumb @ss idea to get yourself hospitalised quickly and effectively with severe facial injuries."

hospitalised???:p

we done with the petty insults now?

FlyingKiwi

09-21-2007, 07:21 PM

Out side of Merica where real English is still spoken we have not yet bastardised every single word replacing the proper "s" with a "z".

Here is a quick lesson.
Spellink of gooder england. (http://www2.gsu.edu/~wwwesl/egw/jones/differences.htm)

Buzz, next please.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------Modern Military Terms

Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."

Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"

Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"

Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"

Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

Ladder8

09-21-2007, 08:05 PM

How about some of these:

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking the boss . . . he's 404, man."

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the battalion/wing level. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are generally profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around the headquarters discussing why a suspense was missed or a mission failed and who was responsible. Typical activity among general staffs...

BONED: A term used in response to orders issued from a higher commander. As in "I am the counter-reconnaissance company and the battalion reserve at the same time - I got boned!"

BUTTLOAD: (updated) A large quantity. A lot. Used to refer to the number of vehicles in a recon cluster. Also refers to how much artillery is necessary to disable an enemy force.

GOOD IDEA WINDOW: Definition currently under revision. Formerly, this term was used to imply that events would not grow out of control at the last minute. Upon closer inspection by the division engineer, however, the 'window' has been discovered to be rusted open. In fact, nobody can even remember the last time they saw the window closed. Suggested definition: good idea fountain.

HOP AND POP: Means to move about excitedly with no real purpose or direction. Used in one of two ways, 1) when being entirely overwhelmed by the enemy and the unit has lost all discipline and control. At this point individuals are expected to 'hop and pop' in an effort to keep themselves alive at the expense of all else. High rates of fratricide are the norm with this type of operation. 2) When senior officers show up on-site unexpectedly. Units are normally conducting 'TOC OPs' in this situation and the only recourse is for all parties to move about with stern looks and weapons/briefing slides at the ready in an attempt to make the visitor believe that something important is actually going on.

LAZE AND BLAZE: This is the execution portion of 'hop and pop.' while it implies a cavalier and competent use of tactical skills (eg using the BELRF and 25mm to maximum efficiency) it more accurately describes the act of simultaneously sluing the turret and mashing the trigger on any and all weapon systems in a desperate bid to kill something.

LETHAL/PSYCHOLOGICALLY DEVASTATING/PHYSICALLY OVERWHELMING: The definition is currently unclear. Believed to describe a rabid mole-rat that is rumored to be harassing senior members of the division staff.

LET'S ROCK BABY: Radio Communications proword for, "Guidons, this is Black 6, FRAGO follows, acknowledge, over."

MOP-UP: A term for the actions occurring just after you discover you are actually on the objective, in the enemy's fire sack, that implies a willingness to expose oneself to lethal fires.

OFFLINE: Yet one more term regularly heard in briefings. This term is used to convey a polite attitude towards another staff officer in order to spare everyone else in the meeting from having to endure staff-to-staff coordination. Usually when a briefer says, "That's a good point, let's talk about it offline," he is really saying, "Listen dickhead, you try to sharpshoot me in a meeting one more time I'm going to hit you so hard that I kill all your relatives."

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time after hitting the "enter" key in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

JHR1985

09-22-2007, 12:19 AM

firecat1

09-22-2007, 04:02 PM

You might be on a redneck fire department if...

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.

You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.

Your firehouse has wheels.

You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.

Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.

You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire.

That outhouse fire was with entrapment.

You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.

At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.

Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.

You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.

You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.

Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.

Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.

Your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.

Dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.

The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.

You've ever referred to a light bar as sexy.

Your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.

You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.

Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.

Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.

The only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

Your apparatus has carbon monoxide detectors mounted in the cab.

You return from a fire with more junk than you arrived with.

The Chief's car has a rag for a gas cap.

You have tobacco spit stains on the side off your engines

firecat1

09-22-2007, 04:03 PM

( hi cat) :)

FlyingKiwi

09-23-2007, 12:41 AM

No comment needed here.

firecat1

09-23-2007, 07:14 AM

Kiwi, that's hilarious! Where did you find that image? :)

Chief2701

09-24-2007, 12:24 PM

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company Christmas
Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!" :D
Broken Coffee Table $ 139.99
Hot Breakfast $ 6.20
Two Aspirins $ 0.32
Saying the right thing, at the right time .. PRICELESS

kprsn1

09-24-2007, 01:04 PM

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.’

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.”

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, “Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we've been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little ***** is adorable.

FlyingKiwi

09-24-2007, 04:59 PM

Excuse me?

Would one of you Canadians care to explain this sign from your national park?

RspctFrmCalgary

09-24-2007, 11:07 PM

:eek: :eek: :eek: :D :D :D

JHR1985

09-25-2007, 02:03 AM

sheep are the best. You get them near a cliff, put their back feet into your boots and.... well, the picture gives u the idea:eek:

FlyingKiwi

09-25-2007, 02:11 AM

Why would you want to bungy jump with a sheep?

JHR1985

09-25-2007, 02:16 AM

no no... you get them near the cliff so they have to back into you...:confused:

FlyingKiwi

09-25-2007, 03:35 AM

Oh I see, so you can tighten up the harness straps better for base jumping.

But why are you parachuting with a sheep?

JHR1985

09-25-2007, 12:14 PM

so they can go BBAAAAHHHHH!!!! all the way down

ffbam24

09-25-2007, 12:35 PM

Eeeewwwwe!

psouther

09-25-2007, 04:58 PM

What do you call a black guy that puts out fires?

A firefighter what are you racist?!

ckresmer

09-25-2007, 05:36 PM

what do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?

swimming trunks

just remember an 8 y/o told me this

firecat1

09-25-2007, 07:04 PM

Q. What does CHAOS stand for?

A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene.
:)

RspctFrmCalgary

09-25-2007, 09:11 PM

What do you call a black guy that puts out fires?

A firefighter what are you racist?!

That was hardly worth bumping a 6 year old thread for :rolleyes: Especially when there are already two current joke thread on the go. :D

Dusty27

09-26-2007, 10:01 AM

Rank Descriptions For Firefighters

Chief
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a ladder truck.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives Policy to GOD.

Deputy Chief
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a pumper.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with GOD.

Assistant Chief
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a pumper.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with GOD if special request is approved.

Engineer
Barely clears straw huts.
Loses tug-of-war with pumpers.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

Captain
Makes high marks on buildings when trying to leap them.
Is run over by a pumper.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles in swimming pools.
Talks with animals.

Lieutenant
Runs into buildings when trying to leap them.
Recognizes pumpers two out of three times.
Is not allowed to use guns.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a life jacket.
Talks to walls.

Firefighter
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks fire engines and equipment out of the way.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
He is GOD

firecat1

09-26-2007, 11:10 AM

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Is THAT what you're wearing?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

GFD748

09-26-2007, 11:24 AM

firecat1

09-26-2007, 12:30 PM

I was a FF before I was a Lt. So I'm still GOD........hahaha......... I smell cat hair burning...........Thank you firecat1

[ :) What's with you trying to cook/steam me, GFD? ]

So...you're a god that talks to walls? :D

GFD748

09-26-2007, 01:42 PM

[ :) What's with you trying to cook/steam me, GFD? ]

So...you're a god that talks to walls? :D

Yes I am................LOL

firecat1

09-26-2007, 03:54 PM

Yes I am................LOL

...um.................do the walls talk back?
:)

GFD748

09-26-2007, 04:05 PM

...um.................do the walls talk back?
:)

some times..........why? Is that a bad thing? At least I don't talk to my self..........yet.

firecat1

09-26-2007, 04:07 PM

some times..........why? Is that a bad thing? At least I don't talk to my self..........yet.

I would think wall conversations would be a little..........flat.
:)

doughesson

09-26-2007, 04:10 PM

Here's the story of one little boy's adventure last week with sound effects added for my own amusement:
There was a little boy in a town just like the one that you live in who was pestering his mother to find him something to do.
There happened to be a construction site nearby so she suggested that he go down and watch the men working and maybe learn something.
A couple hours go by and the boy excitedly returns to tell his mother what he had learned by watching construction workers at their trade.(I can hear y'all saying"I know where this is going."Wait for it like the other paying customers)
He tells her that he watched a man putting in doors on the house and learned that:"First you gotta take the son of a(train whistle)off the mother(horse's whinny)and shave the God (glass shattering) thing down a (two toots on a Model T horn) hair because the stupid painter put too many (brakes screeching)coats on the thing.
Then you gotta wait for your (thunder clap)helper to get back from the hardware store because he forgot the (siren)hinges like you told him specifically to bring before you can put the (chain saw) back up.
Horrified,the young housewife orders her son to his room to wait for his father's arrival home from work.
When the father comes in,the mother tells what his little boy had said and the father calls him in for punishment.When asked to,the boy repeats what he said earlier to his mother word for word and the punishment is swift and un-swerving:"Son,go get me a switch."
Son:"(Explosion) you,Dad.That's the(hammer hitting an anvil) electrician's job!"

firecat1

09-26-2007, 04:13 PM

LMAO :D
(looks like jokes are back, kiddies!!!)

GFD748

09-26-2007, 04:15 PM

I would think wall conversations would be a little..........flat.
:)

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH your funny

GFD748

09-26-2007, 04:34 PM

LMAO :D
(looks like jokes are back, kiddies!!!)

Don't you mean kitties....................

FlyingKiwi

09-26-2007, 04:35 PM

Excuse me.

WTF just happened here?

We got merged?

What lunatic thought that was a good idea?

And why?

I appreciate a good joke, but that is not one.

Enquiring minds want answers.

firecat1

09-26-2007, 04:38 PM

Excuse me.

WTF just happened here?

We got merged?

What lunatic thought that was a good idea?

And why?

I appreciate a good joke, but that is not one.

Enquiring minds want answers.

Trippy isn't it? Don't know why we got merged. :)

firecat1

09-26-2007, 04:43 PM

Don't you mean kitties....................

You wanna try cat jokes? Hmmmmmmm..............

A tomcat was heard running up and down the
alley for hours. A neighbor called his owner and
asked what was happening. The owner said, "Well,
I had him fixed today, and he's going around
canceling all his engagements."
:)

RspctFrmCalgary

09-26-2007, 09:20 PM

Excuse me.

WTF just happened here?

We got merged?

What lunatic thought that was a good idea?

And why?

I appreciate a good joke, but that is not one.

Enquiring minds want answers.

WTF???!!!! I can't even tell which threads were merged. Is it two or three? I agree with Kiwi 100%! What an asinine plan. :mad: :mad: :mad: :confused: :confused: :confused:

WT please reverse the merge!!

firecat1

09-27-2007, 06:50 AM

I think it was the "jokes" threads that got merged. I'm trying to look at it as the biggest joke yet. :eek:

GFD748

09-27-2007, 11:45 AM

I think it was the "jokes" threads that got merged. I'm trying to look at it as the biggest joke yet. :eek:

To bad they didn't merge the cat in the tree with the 2 prawns with the home brew......... Boy that would be fun........... We could have beer battered catfish...........hahaha

firecat1

09-27-2007, 12:06 PM

To bad they didn't merge the cat in the tree with the 2 prawns with the home brew......... Boy that would be fun........... We could have beer battered catfish...........hahaha

Hmmmmmmmmmmm [looking over cookbooks at home]......Firefighter Flambe ...........How To Serve Man................
:)

GFD748

09-27-2007, 12:06 PM

Sorry cat, couldn't help my self.........

firecat1

09-27-2007, 12:07 PM

Sorry cat, couldn't help my self.........

fssssssttttttttt
:)

GFD748

09-27-2007, 12:07 PM

Hmmmmmmmmmmm [looking over cookbooks at home]......Firefighter Flambe ...........How To Serve Man................
:)

I think I maybe in trouble.

doughesson

09-27-2007, 12:52 PM

"Honey,I ate the last Oreo cookies and left the toilet seat up.Again.By the way,I seen your sister at the store.Man is she looking good today.Did you know the meatloaf is a little dry?"

Hmmmmmmmmmmm [looking over cookbooks at home]......Firefighter Flambe ...........How To Serve Man................
:)

MalahatTwo7

09-27-2007, 01:21 PM

Hmmmmmmmmmmm [looking over cookbooks at home]......Firefighter Flambe ...........How To Serve Man................
:)

Heavily marinaded in a rum sauce? ;) (no point in wasting a good wine for Firefighter Flambe) :D

Chief2701

09-27-2007, 01:41 PM

I think I maybe in trouble.

Reminds me of one of my favorite Twlight Zone espisodes..."To serve Man" ....It's a cookbook!!!:eek:

firecat1

09-27-2007, 01:59 PM

Reminds me of one of my favorite Twlight Zone espisodes..."To serve Man" ....It's a cookbook!!!:eek:

YEA!!! Somebody got it!!! :)

GFD748

09-27-2007, 03:34 PM

I would rather be basted in JD or WL..........but for some reason cat likes beer.............says it makes her fur look shinny..............hahaha

firecat1

09-27-2007, 04:24 PM

I would rather be basted in JD or WL..........but for some reason cat likes beer.............says it makes her fur look shinny..............hahaha

Sounds like you may be marinated in JD from going to Ruby Tuesdays?:D

GFD748

09-27-2007, 04:28 PM

Sounds like you may be marinated in JD from going to Ruby Tuesdays?:D

Hows your fur????????Should be nice and shinny. No tangles

firecat1

09-27-2007, 04:30 PM

Hows your fur????????Should be nice and shinny. No tangles

Only 'cause I brush it 'n brush it.....:)

GFD748

09-27-2007, 04:51 PM

Only 'cause I brush it 'n brush it.....:)

you said beer made it shinny, so I drink some just for that reason........

firecat1

09-27-2007, 07:51 PM

kprsn1

09-28-2007, 11:23 AM

Well, I guess unless someone wants to start a new joke thread I'll just continue with this one until it's merged again.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy", the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

doughesson

09-28-2007, 12:17 PM

No more Oreos? (sniff, cry)
:)

Far calmer response when I said that to my ex.Man,was I a long time healing from that.The nicest thing she said was"Why don't you have my %$#@##! sister fix you a meatloaf then?"

FlyingKiwi

09-29-2007, 12:17 AM

So, it's this little lads birthday and his dad ask's him what he would like.
Well, I'd really like a tractor if you can find one, says the lad.
Comes the day and he gets his tractor, he plays with it all the time, really loves it.
Along comes the next birthday, and the next and the next until he's 21, every year the same, he wants a tractor By this time he's six foot six and weighs 450 pounds.
As he's about to become 21 his dad asks again what he would like, another tractor?
Well actually dad I'm getting sick of tractors, I'd like some CD's, DVD's or some book tokens.
Taken aback his dad says, OK, lets go to town and you can pick what you like.
As they walk down the street they see a commotion and as they get closer they see a house on fire and people are stuck upstairs.
The lad, seeing all the smoke, rushes to the house, opens his mouth and takes a big breath in.
This draws all the smoke and fumes out the house allowing the firemen to get in and rescue the family.
The fire chief come over to him and say's well done, but how did you do that? Oh that's easy, says the lad,

I'm a big extractor fan!

Ladder8

09-29-2007, 04:29 PM

Kiwi,

ouch....:rolleyes:

firecat1

09-30-2007, 07:05 AM

If you crossed the Loch Ness monster, the shark from Jaws, and FF equipment, what would you have?

Loch Jaws of Life.

(my niece told me this, I thought it was cute)

frenchfireball

09-30-2007, 07:25 AM

If you crossed the Loch Ness monster, the shark from Jaws, and FF equipment, what would you have?

Loch Jaws of Life.

(my niece told me this, I thought it was cute)

nice one,great!but scary!!!

doughesson

10-03-2007, 04:57 PM

What about all the mesobutylbadstuffs in the smoke?Shouldn't the Chief wave over the EMS folks for a medical check after sucking in all that IDLH atmosphere?

The lad, seeing all the smoke, rushes to the house, opens his mouth and takes a big breath in.
This draws all the smoke and fumes out the house allowing the firemen to get in and rescue the family.
The fire chief come over to him and say's well done, but how did you do that? Oh that's easy, says the lad,

I'm a big extractor fan!

jacklrd

10-03-2007, 08:10 PM

Queens, NY. (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a
> courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
> should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
> his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
> keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family
> unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
>
> The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
> more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
> the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
> cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
> of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
> apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
> step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
>
> After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
> welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New York
> Mets, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone:eek:

FlyingKiwi

10-04-2007, 12:57 AM

Well if you are going to beat old jokes to death, then.....

IMPORTANT SURVIVAL INFORMATION

For all hikers;

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the area. We advise that people wear noise producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

polecat

10-04-2007, 01:40 PM

Good one Kiwi- Im writing that one down to tell my hunting partners next week. Any other hunting related jokes would be much appreciated.
Here's one of my favorites, and supposedly a true story.

A game warden stops at a hunting camp to investigate a report of poaching deer in a nearby provincial park. After checking the groups licenses, the warden begins to inspect the freshly killed buck for any incrimminating evidence. He starts by lifting the tail and poking his finger deep into the anus, and removes a few droppings for examination. Seeing traces of alphalfa
in the droppings convinces the warden that the animal was taken in the park.

After declaring the deer illegal, he loads the carcass into his truck and prepares to ticket the offending hunter, who is now furious and not cooperating.

When asked by the warden to clarify his address, whether he lived in Vancouver,B.C or Vancouver, Wa., the hunter then dropped his pants, turned around, bent over, spread his butt cheeks, and answered," you tell me ?"

doughesson

10-06-2007, 04:30 PM

That reminds me of the Ron White bit where he's talking about the nature lover that lived among the bears,ate like the bears and evidently came to think of himself as a bear.Until,that is,he got killed and eaten by a bear.
White's comment was"I bet his daddy told him when he was a kid'You're never gonna be sh**!'."

Well if you are going to beat old jokes to death, then.....
IMPORTANT SURVIVAL INFORMATION
For all hikers;
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

firecat1

10-06-2007, 04:41 PM

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ust take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?

FlyingKiwi

10-06-2007, 06:01 PM

. .

firecat1

10-06-2007, 06:05 PM

. .

So that's what a kiwi looks like. :D

FlyingKiwi

10-07-2007, 06:58 PM

A Scottish soldier in full ceremonial No.1 dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.

How much to repair it ?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.

"Six pence," says the pharmacist.

"How much for a new one ?"

"Ten pence."

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says, "We'll have a new one."

FlyingKiwi

10-08-2007, 01:52 PM

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Dusty27

10-08-2007, 02:11 PM

Yore spell chequer might bee dephective

firecat1

10-08-2007, 07:34 PM

MalahatTwo7

10-09-2007, 01:18 PM

Harley Davidson

Arthur (Harley) Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and
your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out
with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented
the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but
aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; and
5. The maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to
His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

doughesson

10-09-2007, 04:16 PM

"Anyone here have a relative that lies like a dog?I'm not talking about once in a while,I'm talking about all the time.
I had an uncle like that,his name was Benford Smith Wilson,we called him Uncle BS.
You walk up to him and ask 'Uncle BS,where were you October 12th,1492?'and he'd say'October yer 12th,1492.Lifeguard,Waitland Island,West Indies.
'Teachin' some advanced CPR to some West Indian beach bums,datin' a bikini contest winner and tryin' to convince her Daddy that the world was as round as his daughter's hind end.Up to my butt in cocoanut oil and nekkid Indian girls.
Bout that time,three Spanish explorin' ships float up,full of ****ed off Eye-talian sailors and some fella named Chris.
I told 'em I think China's off that way but you might wanna stop off in Cuber and ask somebody.The way y'all are goin' you'll be lucky if they name a town in Ohio after ya.'
From the comedy of Tim Wilson.

MalahatTwo7

10-10-2007, 09:54 AM

On another note:

Subject: Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns (Dear Walter):

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

YET ANOTHER Chinese Toy Recall.

This is just BAAAADDDDD! :D

MalahatTwo7

10-10-2007, 11:25 AM

”Police Comments”

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through CPIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
=====

This one might be "old" but ... anyway....

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their
teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of
candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little
bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy "It's a puppy."

doughesson

10-10-2007, 03:46 PM

Walter is obviously an idiot.From Day One in Propulsion Engineering Basics,the prerequisite to the Navy's Boiler Technician/Machinist Mate "A" School,we were told to check the basics first.He never addressed the fact that she could have run the car out of fuel.
Check the basics first,then you might not have to drag the tools out and take the car out of service over the weekend.

On another note:

Subject: Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns (Dear Walter):

Dear Walter:

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

YET ANOTHER Chinese Toy Recall.

This is just BAAAADDDDD! :D

FlyingKiwi

10-11-2007, 01:59 PM

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing, make yourself a ****tail and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

doughesson

10-11-2007, 02:50 PM

So,how do they test condoms?
The comedian Jay Hickman always envisioned "150 little Japanese fellers sitting on a bench..."and said,"Somewhere in this world,THERE's a man that gets to work on time.He's sittin' in the parking lot an hour ahead of his shift just warmin' up."

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

MalahatTwo7

10-22-2007, 09:56 AM

TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

13. "Doc what a Crappy Movie"

And the best one of all..

14 . "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
=======
WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school asks: 'When you die and go to Heaven,which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raises her hand and says: 'I think it's your hands!'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replies: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together and God must takes your hands first'.

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: 'Sister, I think it's your legs!' The nun looks at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Roy said:'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.

The nun fainted!!! :D :eek: :D

doughesson

10-22-2007, 12:33 PM

How about,"Hey,Doc,why don't you tell me what I'm THINKING?!"from Bill Engvall.
Rodney Carrington describes a rectal exam as something between two men that if it happens anywhere but a hotel out on the state highway,it's just wrong.

TOO FUNNY - THE LAST ONE IS THE BEST

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

13. "Doc what a Crappy Movie"

And the best one of all..

14 . "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
=======

MalahatTwo7

10-24-2007, 01:50 PM

I know of one or two ladies who would likely come up swinging with a 9 iron or something after hearing a statement like this: :eek: :D

firecat1

10-24-2007, 02:06 PM

I know of one or two ladies who would likely come up swinging with a 9 iron or something after hearing a statement like this: :eek: :D

Nine iron...ppppfffftttt. Try a 10-lb sledge!!! :p :D

MalahatTwo7

10-24-2007, 02:23 PM

Nine iron...ppppfffftttt. Try a 10-lb sledge!!! :p :D

Actually 12 inch cast iron frying pan was the image I had first, but then it was subplanted by the 9 iron actually STUCK into the side of said male's head. :D:D

firecat1

10-24-2007, 04:06 PM

Actually 12 inch cast iron frying pan was the image I had first, but then it was subplanted by the 9 iron actually STUCK into the side of said male's head. :D:D

As hard-headed as men are :) , I would probably break my 80-year-old cast iron skillet, that's why I went with the sledge.:p :D

MalahatTwo7

10-24-2007, 04:14 PM

Ah yes, but consider also, the fragmentation and collatoral damage possibilities of said cast iron pan exploding....... ;) hehehehehee

firecat1

10-24-2007, 05:14 PM

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............t he possibilities are intriguing:p :D

ckresmer

10-24-2007, 06:21 PM

i dont own a 9 iron, i think my garden hoe would work, it was sharpened yesterday

MalahatTwo7

10-25-2007, 11:48 AM

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were..

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat. "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ..Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........

ate the cookies...............

drank the milk..............

sh*t on the paper....................

screwed the other three cats.....................

claimed he injured his back while doing so..................

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........

put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!!!!!!!!!!
======

SCfire, this pic is for you! :D:D

MalahatTwo7

10-26-2007, 11:47 AM

Job Interview

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of. "That's very good" replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye" That's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea, said the Aussie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I sheet my pants." He got the job.

doughesson

10-27-2007, 03:04 PM

So,the class assignment was to take a parable and adapt the moral to the student's family.
Billy goes first:"My family farms and when our hens lay eggs we counted the eggs to see how many chickens we could hatch.Usually,the number of chicks didn't equal the number of eggs laid so my moral is'Don't count your chickens before they hatch.'."
The Teacher says,"Excellent,Billy".
Suzy is next:"My family also farms and we gather the eggs our hens lay to take to market.We once had the entire collection in one basket but on the way to town,the basket fell down into the truck bed and broke half of what we wanted to sell.'
' The moral of my story is' Don't put all your eggs into one basket."
"Very nice" says Teacher.
And so on until it's Tommy's turn.
Tommy says"My Aunt Karen was in the Air Force during Desert Storm.Her job was to fly in a radar plane and control other airplanes as they flew.
Her plane got shot down one day and as she parachuted out,she found that she had a bottle of whiskey,a rifle,and a machete.She drank the whiskey to prevent the bottle from breaking when she landed.
When she got on the ground,she was surrounded by the Iraqi Army so she shot as many of them as she could with her rifle and then started hacking at the others with her machete before a rescue team got there and saved her."
The teacher is horrified that anyone could tell a child such a story and wanted to know"What could possibly be the moral of this story,Tommy?"
Tommy answered,"I don't know about no moral,Teacher but my Dad says I'd better keep the Hell out of Aunt Karen's way when she's been drinking."