1. #1
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Jan 2009

    Default When things get hard to deal with

    I am a firefighter/medic. I have been in this line of work for just over 20 years. I love what I do and I am proud of what I do. I am married to a cop who use to be such a nice loving caring guy until 911. After 911 he was at a big dope bust and when he called for back up nobody arrived to help. He became a very angry cop. He is from Iran. He hasn't been back there is over 30 years and doesn't live the religion. Anyway, I have been there for him through it all. When he said we were moving and he was going to transfer to a new district I followed. First he told his station to shove the job you know where. Anyway he has become a crazy cop in the last few years. He has so much hate and coldness to him. The other night I came home from my firehouse and as I walked through the doors he started yelling and screaming at me cause I didn't come home after my shift. I had things to pick up at the grocery store and then stopped at the bank. He was livid. He wouldn't even let me talk. He hit me and I flew. The guy has a hard fast hand and I know I have a fractured cheek bone for sure. I am not the barbie type that goes flirting. I have been with one man in my life and that is my husband. I have never cheated on him or anything. Like I said, after 911 he just became full of hate and anger. I don't know what the hell to do. If the guys at my firehouse find out what he has done they will kill him and same goes with my family. I have nobody else to talk to as they would all tell my family and the guys at work so I am looking and asking for advice here. Is there anyone who has any advice to give me? I know I need to leave and that he needs help, but he is a cop and will be able to find me wherever I am. Cops look after cops and they back one another no matter what, and so I can't trust them right now. Advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks.

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    South River, Ontario


    Tough spot to be in. If you have a good relationship with a senior officer with in your department talk to them, then contact the police, they help each other out for sure but there is always a line where they will not cover and I believe your husband has crossed it. Perhaps there is more to the sept 11 incident then you know. Quite possibly his former detachment had issues with him that you were not aware of. In short act fast it is quite possible things will get worse.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Jan 2009

    Unhappy Dealing with Difficulty

    When things get tough, people deal with them in their own way. If your husband has not talked and shared with people he trusts, these things build up and fester in his heart. While abuse is DEFINATELY not the prefferred avenue to deal with feelings, my guess is that they are finally revealing themselves. We all know these things. However, I wish I had a definative answer to your problem. Councelling is a good form of discussion to find out the root of the problems and deal with them. But men are most times against touchy- feely things like that. I would know-I am a guy! I have always hated somone trying to get into my head. But sometimes it takes a professional outsider's opinion to make a guy take a hard look into himself and say, "Yes, that is a problem. I screwed up, and need to deal with these things differently." However, getting a guy to talk is the most difficult part of the whole process. I have no words of advice there. Just show him unconditional love, and try to understand what he's feeling in a non judgemental way. Relate stories of your own that pertain to the situation. You have also had bad calls, as well as everybody else in Emergency Services.
    Hitting a woman is unexcusable in my books, however. But if you value your husband's life, as well as your marriage, you must get to the very root of the problem. Feelings are not light switches- you can't just turn off your feelings for him. Find out if he wants your marriage to last, and explain how his bitterness is hurting you. As much as you've been hurt, try to get to the bottom of his original problems first. The rest will come if he opens up and resolves his issues. Just keep in mind what he did to you, and is capable of doing again. Don't let your guard down. And don't forget to put yourself first.
    As for cops protecting cops, I think if you told your side of the story, they would be understanding as well as angry at him.
    I'm not sure if this makes any sense or answers any questions. Maybe I'm getting off track. Anybody else have any ideas???
    -A concerned brother.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Aug 2007


    I empathize with your position. You realize you need to leave so go! If you did not call the police (I know he is a cop) then you need to do it and get a report put in. It needs to be documented. That may be all that keeps it from being a he said / she said thing. As for your distrust of the cops, domestic abuse isn't ok for them either and I suspect you'll find that they'll step up.

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