Why register? ...To Enhance Your Experience
+ Reply to Thread
Page 32 of 47 FirstFirst ... 222930313233343542 ... LastLast
Results 621 to 640 of 938
Like Tree23Likes

Thread: Just be funny!

  1. #621
    Forum Member EastKyFF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
    Posts
    3,032

    Default

    Wish I had an image of this one so you guys would believe it...

    A guy here in town got busted smuggled pills into jail by stashing them in his keester. For starters, the local paper's headline reads "Inmate caught with pills in rectum". But for the kicker, he was charged with multiple crimes, including "prescription medication not in the proper container".
    "Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”
    --General James Mattis, USMC



  2. #622
    Forum Member CaptOldTimer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 1999
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    7,201

    Exclamation

    Unattended children will be given some espresso and a free kitten.








    Stay Safe and Well Out There....

    Always remembering 9-11-2001 and 343+ Brothers

  3. #623
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    Actual sign at the Memphis Zoo: "Lost children will be taken to the lion exhibit.Please pick them up before feeding time."

  4. #624
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    No sh** guys,this really happened.I seen it happen.
    One time,I was Messenger of the Watch and had been training a guy in the duties as Inport Messenger of the Watch(same as underway MOOW -answer the phone,assist the Bosun of the Watch/Petty officer of the watch-inport- and make 1MC announcements but we didn't use the bosun's pipe before 1MC announcements).
    So came the day he appeared in the watchbill for his first watch on his own as Messenger and he was a bit nervous about it.He asked me questions as he donned his undress uniform prior to reporting to the quarterdeck and I reminded him that there was a laiminated card right next to the microphone for routine announcements and for fire calls,for example,all he had to do was fill in the correct information for the location,class of fire and where to provide the gear from.
    After supper was over and the galley secured for the day,the Command Duty Officer hands him a slip of paper with the fire drill information and,since my ship had a policy of not requiring permission from the Officer of the Deck to call away emergencies,drill or actual,my former student swung into action.But he suddenly blanked on what he was supposed to say.
    Then he remembered what I'd told him about the card that was available to guide him through the announcement and he read from it:
    "Rapid ringing of the bell!Rapid ringing of the bell!Fire,fire,fire.Class Alpha fire in Compartment 1 tac 33 tac Zero tac Lima.First Division Berthing.Away the inport mobile repair party away,provide from Repair Five!" and did it twice more as prescribed.
    Because he spoke the words "rapid ringing of the bell" instead of using the brass bell and striker thoughtfully provided to the quarterdeck watch,the drill had to be secured because every man on the ship,plus on the two other ship we were nested with who heard the topside speakers,was rolling on the deck laughing about it.
    After a bit of quick refresher training by me,since he admitted to have been under instruction with me previously,the drill was called away again with better results.

  5. #625
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    I wonder how many times the jailer making out the report had to stop writing so to control the giggles.

    Quote Originally Posted by EastKyFF View Post
    Wish I had an image of this one so you guys would believe it...

    A guy here in town got busted smuggled pills into jail by stashing them in his keester. For starters, the local paper's headline reads "Inmate caught with pills in rectum". But for the kicker, he was charged with multiple crimes, including "prescription medication not in the proper container".

  6. #626
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,833

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by doughesson View Post
    No sh** guys,this really happened.I seen it happen.
    One time,I was Messenger of the Watch and had been training a guy in the duties as Inport Messenger of the Watch(same as underway MOOW -answer the phone,assist the Bosun of the Watch/Petty officer of the watch-inport- and make 1MC announcements but we didn't use the bosun's pipe before 1MC announcements).
    So came the day he appeared in the watchbill for his first watch on his own as Messenger and he was a bit nervous about it.He asked me questions as he donned his undress uniform prior to reporting to the quarterdeck and I reminded him that there was a laiminated card right next to the microphone for routine announcements and for fire calls,for example,all he had to do was fill in the correct information for the location,class of fire and where to provide the gear from.
    After supper was over and the galley secured for the day,the Command Duty Officer hands him a slip of paper with the fire drill information and,since my ship had a policy of not requiring permission from the Officer of the Deck to call away emergencies,drill or actual,my former student swung into action.But he suddenly blanked on what he was supposed to say.
    Then he remembered what I'd told him about the card that was available to guide him through the announcement and he read from it:
    "Rapid ringing of the bell!Rapid ringing of the bell!Fire,fire,fire.Class Alpha fire in Compartment 1 tac 33 tac Zero tac Lima.First Division Berthing.Away the inport mobile repair party away,provide from Repair Five!" and did it twice more as prescribed.
    Because he spoke the words "rapid ringing of the bell" instead of using the brass bell and striker thoughtfully provided to the quarterdeck watch,the drill had to be secured because every man on the ship,plus on the two other ship we were nested with who heard the topside speakers,was rolling on the deck laughing about it.
    After a bit of quick refresher training by me,since he admitted to have been under instruction with me previously,the drill was called away again with better results.

    Ya think most of us sailor types have stories like that. Mine was from a few months after I had joined my first ship, and was standing my second or third watch "unsupervised". The cox'n called up and asked for a pipe to be made. I made the announcement in a clear an concise voice.... right up to the end, which was then followed by "OVER." I hung up the mike, realized what I had just said and turned to wait for the phone to ring. Naturally it was the cox'n demanding to know who had just made that last pipe.

    My response to him was "I had been hijacked by some army guy who grabbed the mike from my hand, Chief." I heard a sputter and some mumbling as he hung up the phone. Fortunately Chief Petty Officer First Class Snerch (YES that was his name) had a very good sense of humour.

  7. #627
    Forum Member FIREMECH1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    HUSKER LAND
    Posts
    2,425

    Default

    We had a Lt.Col. Colon in charge of live fire howitzer operations that lasted 10 days. All he had to do was make 18 movements to 3 spots, when the FO ordered them.

    After making one of the movements at night, and all howitzers ready for fire ops, our gun got the fire mission. After I called "on target", the gunner closed the breech. Just before putting in the primer, the gun commander yelled "check fire...check fire". All operations ceased.

    After a short comm between him and command, we found out that we were at the wrong spot. While he was talking, the Lt.Col heard "...for every colon, there's a dumbass, a-hole", or something close.

    As soon as day break hit, I was hitting a shovel against lava rock for over 3 hours trying to dig a 6x6x6 hole. If it wasn't for a CSMO, I probably would still be there trying to dig that hole.

    It's funny to me now, but wasn't back then.

    FM1
    I'm the one Fire and Rescue calls, when they need to be Rescued.

    Quote Originally Posted by EastKyFF
    "Firemens gets antsies. Theys wants to goes to fires. Sometimeses they haves to waits."

  8. #628
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,833

    Default

    HAHAHAA I like that one FM!


    This next is in the format that I received it, so no yapping off about "shouting" etc.

    HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

    WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

    MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

    I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

    COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

    UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

    THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

    AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

    "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

    "WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

    HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

    "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!," I EXCLAIMED.

    HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.



    THEN, THAT UGLY,



    OLD,



    BALD,



    WRINKLED FACED,



    FAT-*****ED,



    GRAY-HAIRED,



    DECREPIT



    SON-OF-A-B!TCH



    ASKED,



    "WHAT DID YOU TEACH??"

  9. #629
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    This young mother was having a really frazzling day so when the telephone rang and she heard a kind voice asking,"How has your day been,dear?" she broke down into tears and said,"Oh Mother,it's just been one thing after another.The twins are both teething and can't stop crying,the furnace went out and to top it off,my husband just called saying that he ran into some friends from the Navy and now he's bringing them home for supper!I just don't know what to do!".
    And the voice said,"Now,don't you worry.One of our neighbors is in heating and air,so your Father will call his company and they'll send someone to fix the furnace and I am on my way to fix supper for you while you calm the children down.And when Frank gets home,I'll give him an earfull about dumping his friends on you so suddenly."
    The woman says"Who's Frank?I'm married to Rick." and the woman who'd called asked,"Isn't this 555-1234?"
    "No",she replied,"this is 555-1235."
    "Oh",says the calling woman,"I've made a terrible mistake".and the young mother asks,Does this mean that you aren't coming over?"

  10. #630
    Forum Member FIREMECH1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    HUSKER LAND
    Posts
    2,425

    Default

    WHY PARENTS DRINK:

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
    was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
    propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

    With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and
    read the letter.

    Dear Dad:

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
    my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have
    been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
    would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
    motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
    not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

    Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
    has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
    many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
    doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it
    with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the
    meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can
    get better. She deserves it.

    Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
    sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
    grandchildren.

    Love, Your Son, John

    PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted
    to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card, that's
    in my center desk drawer.

    I love you.

    Call me when it's safe to come home.
    I'm the one Fire and Rescue calls, when they need to be Rescued.

    Quote Originally Posted by EastKyFF
    "Firemens gets antsies. Theys wants to goes to fires. Sometimeses they haves to waits."

  11. #631
    Forum Member firecat1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Betwixt here and there.
    Posts
    3,469

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FIREMECH1 View Post
    WHY PARENTS DRINK:

    Call me when it's safe to come home.
    ROFLMAO! Priceless! Thanks for a good laugh to start the day off right.

  12. #632
    Forum Member mtg55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    1,313

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by firecat1 View Post
    ROFLMAO! Priceless! Thanks for a good laugh to start the day off right.
    Hahaha, second that.
    Matt G.
    Battalion Chief
    IACOJ-Member
    FTM-PTB

  13. #633
    Forum Member CaptOldTimer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 1999
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    7,201

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by firecat1 View Post
    ROFLMAO! Priceless! Thanks for a good laugh to start the day off right.


    When you arise at this time, be quite as others are trying to sleep.
    Stay Safe and Well Out There....

    Always remembering 9-11-2001 and 343+ Brothers

  14. #634
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,833

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by CaptOldTimer View Post
    When you arise at this time, be quite as others are trying to sleep.
    That should be amened to read:

    "Let sleeping Old Captains lay."

  15. #635
    MembersZone Subscriber
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    2,439

    Default

    "They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin

  16. #636
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    That ain't right!I guess you didn't see the youtube video of this scene set to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"?That one will scar your psyche,man.I ain't kidding.

    Quote Originally Posted by MarcusKspn View Post

  17. #637
    Forum Member FIREMECH1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    HUSKER LAND
    Posts
    2,425

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by doughesson
    That ain't right!I guess you didn't see the youtube video of this scene set to "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"?That one will scar your psyche,man.I ain't kidding.
    WTF.... You are just going to leave us hanging???? Post up the link.

    FM1
    I'm the one Fire and Rescue calls, when they need to be Rescued.

    Quote Originally Posted by EastKyFF
    "Firemens gets antsies. Theys wants to goes to fires. Sometimeses they haves to waits."

  18. #638
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,833

    Default

    Topic: JOKE OF THE DAY
    On a Wing and a Prayer
    August 31, 2010
    Catherine Jones
    We all need some laughter in our day. Here’s a joke you can trot out at your next training session.

    A photographer from a national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at a national park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the firefighters as they battled the blaze.

    When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

    He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”

    The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

    “Why?” asked the pilot.

    “Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

    The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

  19. #639
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by FIREMECH1 View Post
    WTF.... You are just going to leave us hanging???? Post up the link.

    FM1
    Well,I could be like my ex but here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WYOZ6WIgXI
    Actually,you'll have to look it up yourself under "Full Metal Elf".I can't get the link thingy to work for me on some videos that I'd like to post here.
    I try but some days the technology wins out over me and I have to reboot the computer.( I kick the SOB again)

  20. #640
    Forum Member FIREMECH1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    HUSKER LAND
    Posts
    2,425

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by doughesson
    Actually,you'll have to look it up yourself under "Full Metal Elf".
    You could spin that 100 different ways. And I would watch all of them.

    Good Night Chesty Puller..... wherever you are!!!

    FM1
    I'm the one Fire and Rescue calls, when they need to be Rescued.

    Quote Originally Posted by EastKyFF
    "Firemens gets antsies. Theys wants to goes to fires. Sometimeses they haves to waits."

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Funny Ad in FHM
    By DFW333 in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-27-2007, 10:08 AM
  2. Well I think its funny
    By protomkv in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-25-2004, 02:38 PM
  3. This is funny..do men really think this way?
    By JenniJ375 in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 04-22-2004, 09:55 PM
  4. Too Funny
    By MalahatTwo7 in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-10-2004, 05:25 PM
  5. Funny Pic
    By hickman1698 in forum The Off Duty Forums
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 12-19-2003, 10:22 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts