Just be funny!

[MalahatTwo7]

From my JOKEMAIL.COM:

Why I Fired My Secretary

Posted: 12 Jan 2011 12:34 AM PST

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.


My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.


This post was submitted by admin.


OOUUUCCCHHHH!!!

[doughesson]

True Grit is John "The Duke" Wayne! All others are nothing.

I don't like remakes. Look at how many times they have made a movie about the Titanic??

There's about a 3 week waiting list for the book so I am not sure how this version of "True Grit" works.
Word has it the Coens followed it rather religiously.
I don't know why "3;10 to Yuma" was redone.I thought it was just fine with Glenn Ford as "Ben Wade".First time I'd ever seen him as a black hat.Whatta surprise.The Russel Crowe/Christian Bale version is okay but it's a seperate movie as far as I am concerned.

[FIREMECH1]

Those of you who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

And there are those who will not notice the difference…

FM1

[CaptOldTimer]

Those of you who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

And there are those who will not notice the difference…

FM1

You go ahead and do that, I think, I'll stand back and watch. Do you all kiss afterwards???

[Miller337]

The lecherous cynism will abound for at least 20 posts on this.

If the horse is a consenting adult and there is no laws to forbid such an act I think it is impolite for you to stare.

[doughesson]

The lecherous cynism will abound for at least 20 posts on this.

If the horse is a consenting adult and there is no laws to forbid such an act I think it is impolite for you to stare.

Remember the young couple walking near a university agriculture field when they saw a bull and a cow mating in the field?
The amorous young man thought he saw an opportunity and asked "Wouldn't you like to be doing that as well?" to which his date replied,"Well,it IS a University cow and you did pay your tuition,didn't you?Why not?"

[doughesson]

You go ahead and do that, I think, I'll stand back and watch. Do you all kiss afterwards???

I doubt that I'd be shaking hands with Uncle Jack,that's for sure.

[MalahatTwo7]

550: the number of calendar days until I reach the "Twenty-five Completed Years Service".

9131: the number of calendar days of actual service, since time of enlistment.

15652: the number of "Time Alive" days. hahahahaaha

54.83%: the percentage of Life Spent In Service. {That one is even funnier!}

[MalahatTwo7]

Those of you who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar. I have noticed that many who text messages & e-mail, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

And there are those who will not notice the difference…

FM1

I think I'll just walk away quietly and hope that my presence was noted by my distinct ABSENCE.

[hwoods]

550: the number of calendar days until I reach the "Twenty-five Completed Years Service".

9131: the number of calendar days of actual service, since time of enlistment.

15652: the number of "Time Alive" days. hahahahaaha

54.83%: the percentage of Life Spent In Service. {That one is even funnier!}

You forgot the 43,527,865,908,643,376,251.04 Times that you've been dawdling on the Forums...........

[PaladinKnight]

You forgot the 43,527,865,908,643,376,251.04 Times that you've been dawdling on the Forums...........

You forgot something Harve...

He has never been wrong...

He thought he made a mistake once, but it turned out that he really didn't.

So he has been 99.999999999999999999999999999 9% correct over his lifetime.

[MalahatTwo7]

From Jokemail.com:

NEW VIRUS

Posted: 29 Jan 2011 07:34 PM PST

There is a new virus. The code name is “WORK.” If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else–do not touch WORK under any circumstances.


This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive…..so I’m headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe

This post was submitted by Nicoli.
==

TO BE 6 AGAIN

Posted: 29 Jan 2011 07:32 PM PST

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be six again, ” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.


What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked: “Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “You farcking idiot, I meant my dress size!”


his post was submitted by Steve.
==

I think thats enough. There were a couple more that are really funny, but I know that there are younger folks who read in here too, and .... welll. nuff said.

[doughesson]

The other night I went to my sister's for supper and my 15 y/o niece had her first boyfriend over to meet me and her folks.
I looked him over and didn't like what I saw:leather jacket,biker boots,tattoos on both arms and neck,tackle box on the face(if I'd waved a magnet near his head,he'd have gotten the fear of God in him) and my niece clinging to him like a vine.
My sister came into the room and,before she could be introduced,commented that "He doesn't look very nice".
My niece said,"Mo-om,if he wasn't nice,why is he doing 100 hours of community service?"

[CaptOldTimer]

The other night I went to my sister's for supper and my 15 y/o niece had her first boyfriend over to meet me and her folks.
I looked him over and didn't like what I saw:leather jacket,biker boots,tattoos on both arms and neck,tackle box on the face(if I'd waved a magnet near his head,he'd have gotten the fear of God in him) and my niece clinging to him like a vine.
My sister came into the room and,before she could be introduced,commented that "He doesn't look very nice".
My niece said,"Mo-om,if he wasn't nice,why is he doing 100 hours of community service?"

OH boy an boozer looser. He is how old? In Tennessee he could be tried for child molestation and flogged 50 times or until he passes out.

He would have came into my house in the first place either.

My daughter, 16 at the time, brought home a stray once. He said he was a roofer. I said no, you are a looser. Leave while you can. My daughter said I'm going with him.

I said OK, remember when he needs money for his habit, don't give it to him or come asking here.

She dropped him like a used ............... head gasket!!

[doughesson]

On the advice of my legal counsel,I decline to respond as my answers may tend to incriminate me.

OH boy an boozer looser. He is how old? In Tennessee he could be tried for child molestation and flogged 50 times or until he passes out.

He would have came into my house in the first place either.

My daughter, 16 at the time, brought home a stray once. He said he was a roofer. I said no, you are a looser. Leave while you can. My daughter said I'm going with him.

I said OK, remember when he needs money for his habit, don't give it to him or come asking here.

She dropped him like a used ............... head gasket!!

[doughesson]

So,this veterinarian gets a a phone call at ODarkHundred.
The caller is one of his dog breeder clients who is frantic because her prize poodle has been set upon by a neighborhood mutt and she doesn't know what to do.
The vet says,"Here's what to do,Ma'am.Hang up the phone and I will wait five minutes.During that time,I want you to place your phone by the dogs.When the time is up,I will call your number back and the noise of the telephone will separate the dogs from what they are doing."
The lady says,"Are you sure that will work,Doctor?",and the vet replies,"Why not?It worked on me."

[Bushwhacker]

OH boy an boozer looser. He is how old? In Tennessee he could be tried for child molestation and flogged 50 times or until he passes out.

He would have came into my house in the first place either.

My daughter, 16 at the time, brought home a stray once. He said he was a roofer. I said no, you are a looser. Leave while you can. My daughter said I'm going with him.

I said OK, remember when he needs money for his habit, don't give it to him or come asking here.

She dropped him like a used ............... head gasket!!

I am not a Father yet(Thank God) But it always makes me laugh hearing stories like this one.
Don't any of you guys remember when YOU where the "Losers"?

Granted most of them are X father-in-laws But it still makes me laugh when ever i think about hearing. "At first i didn't like you, your appearance kinda had me worried but i sure wish she would have stayed with you instead of this Idiot she has now!"

[MalahatTwo7]

I am not a Father yet(Thank God) But it always makes me laugh hearing stories like this one.
Don't any of you guys remember when YOU where the "Losers"?

Granted most of them are X father-in-laws But it still makes me laugh when ever i think about hearing. "At first i didn't like you, your appearance kinda had me worried but i sure wish she would have stayed with you instead of this Idiot she has now!"

Nope. Actually I was never in the "Looser" department of parental opinion. Usually quite the opposite.

[Bushwhacker]

Nope. Actually I was never in the "Looser" department of parental opinion. Usually quite the opposite.

Hell I give you props then, I must have carried myself wrong or something

[MalahatTwo7]

Hell I give you props then, I must have carried myself wrong or something

Thanks. There were times though when I kinda wished I was not quite so "favourable". Some parents ... NO nothing inappropriate ever happened, except that sometimes I would be "invited" to share plans of the family future....... more than a little scary when Mothers are asking questions like that.