Just be funny!

[doughesson]

Yes,but I always minded my manners.My first g/f dad set me straight when he told me his rules for dating his daughter:
"#1.Be afraid.Be very afraid.When my Agent Orange gets to acting up,it takes very little for me to mistake the sound of vehicle engines for a Huey flaring for a landing in the rice paddies near Saigon.When you return my daughter to the house at the appointed time,you will exit your vehicle with your hands in clear view,speak the perimeter password and announce that you have returned my daughter ssafely and in the same condition as when she left the house.There is no reason for you to approach the house.The camouflaged face in the window is mine."
There is more that I learned and lived while dating his baby girl.I must have passed muster as I am here to relate those tales.

I am not a Father yet(Thank God) But it always makes me laugh hearing stories like this one.
Don't any of you guys remember when YOU where the "Losers"?

Granted most of them are X father-in-laws But it still makes me laugh when ever i think about hearing. "At first i didn't like you, your appearance kinda had me worried but i sure wish she would have stayed with you instead of this Idiot she has now!"

[firecat1]

*lol idea courtesy of joke sent by Doug*

[MarcusKspn]

This one should be mandatory in all the "My chief/department/instructor/etc hurt my feelings" threads:

[FIREMECH1]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I
can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor ,
follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to
wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'


FM1

[doughesson]

Last month,my neighbor had his granddaughter over and his wife asked her if she knew what the next day was.
Li'l Darlin' answered that yes,she did know what the next day was.
When asked she said,"It's President's Day,Gamma.That's when President Obama comes out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,we'll have two more years of unemployment and recession."
Bob snorted his coffee across the room over that.

[CaptOldTimer]

Last month,my neighbor had his granddaughter over and his wife asked her if she knew what the next day was.
Li'l Darlin' answered that yes,she did know what the next day was.
When asked she said,"It's President's Day,Gamma.That's when President Obama comes out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,we'll have two more years of unemployment and recession."
Bob snorted his coffee across the room over that.

You have to love children!!!

[CaptOldTimer]

I said EAT!!!






`

[CaptOldTimer]

I am in big trouble!!


.

[pasobuff]

A classic...I was CRYING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

[CaptOldTimer]

A classic...I was CRYING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

My sides are busting.

That was a good. A lot of truth in jokes too!!

[MalahatTwo7]

A classic...I was CRYING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

Yes. Thank you. me too.

[FIREMECH1]

A classic...I was CRYING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

Saw it live, busted every internal organ lmao. Did it again, thanks to you.

Bill is coming your way.

FM1

[MalahatTwo7]

Naked man taken to hospital
Times Colonist March 23, 2011

A man who had been walking naked around Rock Bay was taken to hospital by police.

Officers who responded Monday after a complaint found the man "completely naked except for moments when a concerned woman citizen was able to place a towel around parts of him," said the Victoria police operations blog.

When the officers asked why he was naked "the man responded by asking the officers why they were walking around in clothes," the blog said.

"Unable to reconcile this philosophical paradox the officers conveyed the man to hospital for a mental health assessment."

© Copyright (c) The Victoria Times Colonist

Read more: http://www.timescolonist.com/health/...750/story.html

[doughesson]

Back when I was 17,I worked as an ambulance driver for my Uncle who owned the local hospital.(What could possibly go wrong here?)For the reader's peace of mind,no I didn't have any patient contact.I just drove really well and looked good doing it.
Well,one day,I was the only one in the office on fort holding duty during lunch when a patient called with a question about her recent bill from Uncle John.It seems that the printer had farbled up and the bill was sealed up with no legible printing on it.
I was able to find her billing records and I started to run down what each item was and was it cost.
I said"Okay,Mrs Smith first off,urinalysis..."
She said,"I'm a WHAT?!You get me a doctor or an actual receptionist this very instant,young man..."
The next day,I was working for his ex wife at her new husband's ranch "steering" bulls.

[MalahatTwo7]

For you Star Wars fans out there.....

[MalahatTwo7]

I think the army makes coffee the same way.

[notfruitybutloopy]

The other night I went to my sister's for supper and my 15 y/o niece had her first boyfriend over to meet me and her folks.
I looked him over and didn't like what I saw:leather jacket,biker boots,tattoos on both arms and neck,tackle box on the face(if I'd waved a magnet near his head,he'd have gotten the fear of God in him) and my niece clinging to him like a vine.
My sister came into the room and,before she could be introduced,commented that "He doesn't look very nice".
My niece said,"Mo-om,if he wasn't nice,why is he doing 100 hours of community service?"

This made me smile, then look like an idiot, then I fidgited and "harummpfed."
One of my best friends just got out of a relation ship two days shy of their one year aniversery. When it started, I didn't care much and she was happy, which made me happy, then I think it was homecomming, we almost fought on the dance floor. I didn't have anything to do that night so I went to see if I could find anyone who got stood up to hang out with. I value this girl to the point that we call eachother brother and sister. Anyways, I had only met him once before at her birthday and shook hands with him and was pretty nice to him, then for no reason whatsoever he starts just an outright assault on me telling me that said girl doesn't like me etc.

I figured this guy was bad news from about the time that I met him. Drug problem, in and out of juvie, and just abusing my poor sister : ( , I kept trying to say he wasn't for her and he was just using her for his on agenda, but she wouldn't have none of it. Mr. Jerkface was still angry at me for no particular reason, he made it a point to text me things that were pretty freakin obscene and included my mother or father etc. She's still conviced he loves her. He gets caught cheating, she still thinks he loves her, he beats her, she still thinks he loves her.

Sometime around last month at school, this guy shows up looking like... words can't describe it. He's wearing some leather jacket, sunglasses, and has a bowl cut/mullet and just... no word in vocabulary can describe it. He comes up and sees me and starts getting on me, in my face, etc etc. I stand there and wait for him to finish, and as soon as he finishes, two of my friends, whom have recieved death threats from this kid, come out of the school carrying shovels, and take this guy and tell him to go pound sand. Sister won't have none of this so she goes "Common love, we're going home." his reply "F**K you all I liked was the sex, I didn't give a s**t about you or anything we did." In front of us.

He has since left Virginia. : )

[Alexianna]

A classic...I was CRYING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTxkxG3DF4k

I just have to comment on this!

I love Who's Line Is It. That was so funny!
Greg is my favourite out of the regulars on there.

[NFD-Firefighter]

Yeah, I've seen that, very funny!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[CKirk922]

A short demonstration of proper rescue tecniques...