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Thread: Just be funny!

  1. #801
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    Back in 2000,I started working for a taxi company as a wheelchair bus driver.On my first day,I was handed my route and a map to the mental health workshop where I was going and told to "Take 25.It's the one with the cartoons on it."
    So,I went out back,checked out the engine(Gawd,I love Diesels) and set out into parts of western Kentucky I'd never driven before.What could possibly go wrong here?
    At my first stop,I have to load this very large wheechair-bound young woman who tells me that her name is "Patty".She just sits back there,not making conversation and thoroughly engrossed in her coloring book.
    My next stop is another wheelchair bound lady who is a little more talkative and tells me that her name is "Patti with an 'I' in it".After I get her chair secured,she and Patty share books and crayons discussing shades and whether changing directions of the crayon constitutes scribbling or not.
    At my third stop is very embullient young man who jumps onto the steps in the door shouting "Who are you!My name is Ross and I'm SPECIAL!" as he swings his helmet.What could I say?I shoved out my right hand like I was running for Congress and said"Hareya,Ross.My name's Doug and I'll be driving y'all now." as he takes his seat and begins bouncing all over the bench as much as the seatbelt will allow him.
    My last stop was to pick up this other walk on rider,who didn't say anything.I knew from my list that his name was Chase so I greeted him and waited for him to buckle in like the papers said he knew to do.
    As we're driving down the road,I notice this rancid smell and so do the rest of the passengers.When they start hollering,I check the mirror and see that Chase has his shoes and socks off and is picking at his feet.
    So,I get them to their workshop safely and promise the first Patty that yes,I will be driving them home and yes,her care manager will have her supper ready for her.( a major concern of hers.She loves to eat)
    I get back to town and as I'm putting the paperwork into the box for the wheelchair manager to log into the computers,she comes out to ask me how my first solo run was.
    I told her that I'd had no problems but, "I just wish you'd told me that today I'd be going after two obese Pattys,special Ross with Chase picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"


  2. #802
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    Here's some good country humor.Do not listen to after guzzling a 90 ounce bladderbuster from 7-11.

    http://youtu.be/R1hTVtUbhWs

  3. #803
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    My niece told me about her first anatomy class as a veterinary medicine student at college.
    She said that the Professor told the class that there are two important qualities that any veterinarian needs to have.As she pulled the cover off a dead cow being used for the class study,she said "First off,you need to be able to look at animals and not be disgusted by what you see or have to do to treat them."
    The Prof then called the class to surround the cow and said,"I want each of you to do what I am about to do" and then stuck her finger into the cow's rectum before sticking a finger into her own mouth.
    Numerous students were grossed out but each one had to do as she did.It took a while,but after each future vet had stuck in a finger and licked same,they were told,"Now,the second important quality that you will need is to be observant.How many of you noticed that I'd stuck my middle finger into the cow but licked my index finger?"

  4. #804
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    Default My Uncle BS story

    Pretty much ever since I first logged onto Firehouse.com,I've been quoting Tim Wilson's "Uncle BS"stories about his relative who knows a lot about things that happened even when it's improbable that he was actually there.
    So,I thought I'd try my hand at it:
    "Uncle BS,where were you from 1763 to 1767?"
    Uncle BS:"1763 to yer 1767?I was workin' on a survey crew in Maryland.Trying to run a survey transit and teach some flannel headed kid how to hold a transit stake so's I could measure the grade we was holdin'.
    'Bout that time,I heard an awful ruckus in the meal tent and knew that the bosses were arguing again over who was drinking out of whose cup.
    So's I storm in there and tell them,"Awright!I'm getting tired of all this.You boys see this here jar?This is Mason's jar and he's gonna be the only one drinkin' from it.This here cup?This is Dixie's cup and I don't want anyone else drinking from it either.
    We ain't gonna have to fight a civil war over this now,are we?"

  5. #805
    55 Years & Still Rolling hwoods's Avatar
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    Talking And...........

    Anyone know the relationship between a Redneck Divorce and a Tornado??.......





    Either way, somebody's gonna lose a Trailer...............
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  6. #806
    Forum Member firecat1's Avatar
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    You know you're a redneck if...

    You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "gentlemen, start your engines".

  7. #807
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    Quote Originally Posted by firecat1 View Post
    You know you're a redneck if...

    You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "gentlemen, start your engines".
    They really are,you know.
    This morning,I was walking around the neighborhood kind of bummed out about our President paraphrasing Talkie Barbie when he said "Peace is hard" to the United Nations.
    I saw a sign saying "Need Help?Try Jesus! 901-526-5261" so I called the number.
    20 minutes later,a Mexican guy with a lawn mower in the bed of his truck showed up.He didn't want much.Just a sub sandwich all the way,large Dr.Pepper and how deep did I want that hole.

  8. #808
    55 Years & Still Rolling hwoods's Avatar
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    Talking And..........

    Q: How can you keep a Redneck busy for a whole week??......

    A: Give Him/Her/It a Bag of M&Ms and tell them to lay out the Pieces in Alphabetical Order......
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  9. #809
    Forum Member NFD-Firefighter's Avatar
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    You know you're a redneck firefighter if you get new lighting scheme ideas for your POV every time you walk through Walmart's Christmas light display.
    Firefighting - one of the few professions left that still makes house calls.

  10. #810
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    You know that you're a redneck firefighter if the kids are scared to get into water fights with you.

  11. #811
    55 Years & Still Rolling hwoods's Avatar
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    Talking And............

    Did you hear about the Redneck who left his entire estate to his wife?? only one problem, she can't collect anything until after she turns 16.........
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  12. #812
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    A red neck takes his new brother in law fishing.They get out on the lake and the red neck breaks out a few M80s and proceeds to light the first fuse before throwing it into the water.
    His new in law speaks up,"Durell,you do know that I'm a game warden of this state and you aren't supposed to be doing that,don't you?"
    Durell lights another fuse,hands the M80 to his wife's brother and says,"Did you come out here to talk or are ya gonna fish?"

  13. #813
    55 Years & Still Rolling hwoods's Avatar
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    Talking And.........

    Shopper at a Roadside Produce stand............

    Shopper "How much are the Tomatos??"

    Farmer "Ninety Cents a Pound"

    Shopper "Did you raise them yourself?"

    Farmer "Sure Did...... They was Eighty Cents a Pound Yesterday"
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  14. #814
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    Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

    The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

    Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

    The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

    Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

    Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."
    HAVE PLAN.............WILL TRAVEL

  15. #815
    55 Years & Still Rolling hwoods's Avatar
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    Talking And.......

    Two blondes were vacationing in Florida, and got into a discussion about pronouncing the name of the city they were in. Sally said "It's KISS-immee" and Rita said "No, it's Kiss-IMM-EE". They went back and forth a bit and decided to ask someone. They pulled into a Fast Food and spotted a guy walking across the Parking Lot. Sally called him over to the Car and said "look, my friend here can't understand the name of this place, can you pronounce it for her?" The Guy said "Sure Ma'am, it's BUR-GER KING.........
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  16. #816
    Forum Member CaptOldTimer's Avatar
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    Two red neck boys were in a eatery. A lady was there and gobbling down her food. She got choked.


    One of the red neck boys looked at her and then to the other red neck boy and said, I thinks she is choking!

    The other said are you sure?

    The first guy asked the lady, Are you choking?

    She nodded yes.

    Then he asked her, can you breath?

    She nodded No.

    Then the first red neck boy got up from his plate of tatters, greens and fat back and went over to the lady.

    He pulled her pants down and then gave her a big long lick on her behind!


    The lady gasped and blew out the piece of food which was stuck!!!


    The second red neck boy, said what was that?

    The first one said that was a Hind Lick Maneuver!

    THE OTHER SAID HE HAD HEARD OF IT BUT NEVER SEEN IT DONE BEFORE.
    Stay Safe and Well Out There....

    Always remembering 9-11-2001 and 343+ Brothers

  17. #817
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    Talking And..........

    Rev. Jones was giving a long and profound sermon on Sinners and a few of the faithful were beginning to doze off. Preacher picked up the pace a bit, then said "Everyone who really likes Sin, Stand up!" Toward the back, Uncle Bob jumped to his feet, waving his hand in the air. Agast, the Preacher stared at Bob for a minunte, then quietly said "Robert, you really have the nerve to stand up in this Church and admit that you like Sin?" Sheepishly, Bob said "Sorry Preacher, I thought you said Gin"........
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

  18. #818
    Forum Member firecat1's Avatar
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    Hay. Looky there...

  19. #819
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    Inbread cat!!


    `
    Stay Safe and Well Out There....

    Always remembering 9-11-2001 and 343+ Brothers

  20. #820
    55 Years & Still Rolling hwoods's Avatar
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    Talking Do What??..........

    Just what part of West Bygod did THAT come from?.......
    Never use Force! Get a Bigger Hammer.
    In memory of
    Chief Earle W. Woods, 1912 - 1997
    Asst. Chief John R. Woods Sr. 1937 - 2006

    IACOJ Budget Analyst

    I Refuse to be a Spectator. If I come to the Game, I'm Playing.

    www.gdvfd18.com

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