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  1. #1
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Thumbs up The History of the Army (Canadian)

    An email forwarded to me via a Navy Officer (former infantry):

    The History of the Army
    - From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder.

    In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry.

    And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them “Thou art my chosen children. Taketh thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain”.

    And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armour Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, the Blessed Bayonet and the Marian Machine Gun.

    Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.

    For the Infantry’s sustenance the Lord declared “Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, IMPs, and Alcohol. Shun all other food and drink, for they are unclean, and usually proffered by vegan-wannabe girlfriends, who knoweth not that real men like their butts just the way they are.”

    And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.

    And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, “Lord, help us, for we are weary.”

    And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still, they were known as the Armoured Corps.

    And the Lord looked down upon the Armour and saw that it was mediocre.

    The Lord then said “Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines, but fear the dark places, wherein dwelleth those of my most-favoured children, with armour-piercing implements most terrible.”

    To the Armoured the Lord said “Hot dogs shall be thy food, and gravy thy drink, and so shall thee sup and drink, so that thee fill thy hatches. Touch not the sacred grub of the Infantry, save the coffee of Tim Horton’s, which is my gift to all my children.”

    And the Infantry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein.

    And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord, saying, “Lord help us, for we are weary.”

    And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like base plates and breath like sulphur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, “Oh well, garbage in; garbage out.”

    Unto the Artillery He said “The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive ‘other’ stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves.” To the Infantry, the Lord said “When the night is darkest, these shall light the way... more or less. When the approach is most open, these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy’s sight.

    When callest -thou for fire-support these shall - eventually - provide it with high-explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, Willie Pete.” Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.

    And the Infantry, the Armour, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defence Artillery, but found their creation to be unholy, and quickly begged forgiveness.

    And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying, “Lord help us, for we are weary.”

    Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery and Air Defence who most liked to play in the mud, and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Maintainers. And of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes, He made National Support Element.

    Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who moved around only in circles He made MSE Ops. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan’s minions). Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chiefs of Land Staff.

    And to dwell upon the seas, whenever they had scraped enough rust off their vessels to do so, the Lord created the Navy. And then the Air Force, to have dominion over the birds, but only with the blessings of the Avionics Techs… and the Airframe Techs… and the Aero-Engine Techs… and subject to crew-rest restrictions. And, despite God’s warning that the ground would forever have a kill-ratio of infinity, did their egos swell to fill the Void. And they did multiply, to claim all the good hotels as their due. And have dominion over room service. And lounge by the pool between sorties. And adorn themselves with baubles and trinkets and patches of Velcro… for neither did they sew nor reap.

    Yea, the Lord of All filled up the Order of Battle with these many tribes. And the Infantry, and the other tribess, dwelt in the land therein.

    Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, “Lord, help us, for we are weary.”

    And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake loud, and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid.

    And the Lord did speak with anger, asking, “How canst thou yet be weary? Have I, not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made, of the detritus of the Earth, QMs and Bin-Rats and Jimmies, and Staff Weinies and Truckers and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it was a contradiction in terms so great, that it was, to my Irresistible Force, a nigh-Immovable Object?”

    Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, “Lord, it is of these that we are weary.”

    And the Lord did weep for his children. And so did his tears turn to the rains that plague every FTX.


    Even if I do come from an Armoured and Navy background, this is still FUNNY!


  2. #2
    Forum Member firecat1's Avatar
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    Pee'd myself laughing!!!

  3. #3
    Forum Member CaptOldTimer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by firecat1 View Post
    Pee'd myself laughing!!!
    Say it ain't so!!!
    Stay Safe and Well Out There....

    Always remembering 9-11-2001 and 343+ Brothers

  4. #4
    Forum Member firecat1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptOldTimer View Post
    Say it ain't so!!!
    He does make me laugh, that's one of his charms.

  5. #5
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    For those not of a Canukian bent

    God and the Infantry

    From the Gospel according to Saint Miles, Ground Pounder

    In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry.

    And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain." And as a mark of His favor the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armor Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun. Likewise gaveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord gaveth the Holy Hand Grenade.

    For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: Coffee, Tobacco, C-Rats, and Alcohol. Shun all other unclean food and drink."

    And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.

    And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary."

    And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry. And as the Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still they were known as Armor, or DAT's for short. And the Lord looked down upon the Armor and saw that it was mediocre.

    The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." To the DAT's the Lord said "Quiche shall be thy food, and bottled water thy drink. Touch not the sacred chow of the Infantry."

    And the Infantry and the Armor dwelt in the land therein.

    And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying "Lord help us, for we are weary."

    And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen.

    Then God took those of the Armor with butts like baseplates and breath like sulfur and tiny, tiny pee-pees and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."

    Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryst thou not to hurt thyself."

    To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with high explosive, cluster munitions and, best of all, nukes." Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery. And the Infantry, the Armor, and the Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Air Defense Artillery; but quickly asked forgiveness.

    And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying "Lord help us, for we are weary."

    Again the Lord looked with favor upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armor, Artillery and Air Defense Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps. Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Transportation Corps. Of the least articulate He made Signalers. Of the mindlessly doctrinaire and arrogant He - reluctantly - created Military Police and Inspectors General (though the Lord admitted, to Himself, that He was probably only providing employment opportunities to Satan's minions). Of ! those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics and of those whose minds had been destroyed by the same made He the Chemical Corps. Yea, the Lord of All filled up the MTOE.

    And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.

    Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary.

    And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightning's spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid.

    And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armor and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the earth Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signalers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"

    Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."

    Amen, Amen


    Scouts Out

  6. #6
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Ya well, ya see. My first post was with an Armoured Regiment. We DONT WALK anywhere, except from the Mess Hall, to the Bar, and back to our vehicles.

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