Thread: Mad at God

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    Default Mad at God

    I'm absolutely mad at God right now. In the past 4 months I've lost both of my best friends. First there was my Deputy Chief Chris whom I adored. We stuck to each other like glue. Then there was Deputy Chief Dale whom I adored just as much as Chris. Both men were so incredibly important to me - They talked with me every single day and I could just chatter away and tell them about all the stuff going on - all of my adventures and silly Probie stories. I could talk to them about anything and everything. They mentored me with firefighting and they just loved me so much. I always looked up to them and tried to follow their example. Both of them gave me great advice and ideas. Dale used to quiz me on what Chris would teach me! Most of all, they were my very best friends. After Chris died Dale held me together as I tried to deal with everything and now Dale has died and I'm all alone! I haven't even gotten over Chris being killed! I still wake up crying at night! Is God trying to make me go crazy by taking all my friends away?
    Everything is so silent now. They are BOTH gone! My phone never rings and my fire station is empty and silent. All I can think is, "What have I done to deserve this?"
    I'm mad at God because first he took my Chris and now he's taken Dale. He's taken the two most beloved friends in my life and I'm all alone now.
    Have any of you ever been mad at God? Did your life ever become happy again? I'm so miserable that if I don't let all of this out I'm going to errupt. Who is going to be my best friend and my mentor now? If I find another person who fills my heart with love and happiness will they die too???
    I just don't get it.
    Probie Name: HurryUpMichelle!!

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    i dont beleive in god, so give your self time time to mourn (outta respect) and then move on............sorry for your loss
    ...fire fetish???......
    ...damn right!!!!

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    Michelle,

    I am terribly sorry to hear about your loss. You are not alone, however. That's the great thing about being in such a brother/sisterhood as we are - someone is always there for you. Whether it's your fellow firefighters at your station, or us here on the forums, I'm sure we're all willing to listen and help out. I'd also bet that you're not the only one from your department who is shaken up. Have you all sat down for a CISD sort of seminar?

    To answer your question, yes, I've been mad at God, at myself, at life in general. Things can seem unfair. I try to keep in mind, however, that once things hit rock bottom, the only way to go again is up. I also realize that I don't have all the answers. No one does.

    Remember, just because they aren't with you physically doesn't mean they're not alive in memory and spirit. They're probably watching over you right now, in fact. Keep strong, draw your strength from them and their words of wisdom, and make them proud.

    Oh, and remember, we're here for you.

    - Greg Auerweck, EMT-B

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    Michelle, sorry to hear of your loss, my heart greives with you. I do believe in God, just remember, he puts em up and he takes em down, his timing is altogether perfect. Some times it's hard to understand why and I personaly don't get mad at God for some of the things that happen to good people, but I do question Him for these things. We all must go through a proccess of mourning, just remember that life is for the living and I think that your fallen brothers would want you to do that to the fullest. Will be thinking of you in the days to come, take care my friend.

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    Michelle,

    Instead of being mad at God, think of the blessings he has allowed you. Not once, but twice you were blessed with friends that you cared that much about. Very few people find that kind of friendship once. Think about how much more your life has been enriched because God allowed them to be your friends for that long.

    You're in a profession that you see first hand the awesomeness of God. You're allowed to see miracles that some of us are denied, but you also see death in some of the most atrocious of ways. Why? Only God in His infinite wisdom knows the answers. Maybe He saw something down the road that would cause them more suffering and pain. Maybe He knew that by allowing them to live, they would part from Him. Maybe lots of things, we just don't know.

    I'm the mother of a child with epilepsy, you don't think I don't question God? You don't think I haven't been mad? But, I've also looked at how blessed I truly am. I used to pray that God would heal my son, until I realized that the ultimate healing came by death and into eternal life. I truly am blessed by the life of my child, just as you have been blessed by the lives of two wonderful men. Allow their legacy to be the friendship they gave you. It's your turn to be that kind of friend to someone else, or you demean that legacy.

    My prayers are with you.

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    Michelle,

    I was just thinking about you this afternoon. I was wondering where you'd been.

    I, too, am sorry for your loss. You and you department will be in my prayers. Though it may seem shallow, the real tragedy would be if you had never had the opportunity to meet those two friends.

    Many things that God does don't make sense to us at the time. Many things God does never make sense to us. Does it frustrate me sometimes? Yes; but you trust that He knows what He's doing.

    Thinking of you.
    Bryan Beall
    Silver City, Oklahoma USA

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    EMTwannabe, that's why I posted this topic. I had to reach out for someone somewhere now that Dale and Chris are gone and I'm alone.

    Yeah, Chris's death really shook up my fire department something awful and I'll bet Dale's fire department isn't doing any better. It's so hard to go to the station and see my firefighters' eyes - they are so haunted. Yes they did CISD and I was really starting to heal and move on and then Dale went and died. That's why I felt like I was going to errupt. I feel like I'm being crushed alive inside. My other firefighters can't seem to help me - they don't talk to me. They hurt too much right now. I try to talk to them and help them but we all just clam up and get distant. That's why I'm reaching out and saying, "Is anyone out there?" I need to be happy again and in order to do that I need to find a way to heal again. Chris and Dale were like cornerstones in my life - no matter what happened, good or bad, they were ALWAYS there. Now they aren't and I feel so lost.

    You are right...I shouldn't be mad at God. Maybe it's life I'm mad at. I still love God and I'm clinging to Him like velcro right now but deep down inside I'm saying to Him, "Why did you take my friends away?" Sure, they are in heaven and they are watching over me but they aren't HERE. That's why I'm sad: I miss them so.
    One thing keeps nagging at me - will the next person I grow close to up and die on me too?
    Probie Name: HurryUpMichelle!!

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    Michelle,

    You have already received some excellent advice. Especially regarding possible group debriefing.

    Keep in mind that not all advice may be good. Listen to what seems to be sound and ignore the rest.

    This is my experience:

    I have personally known similar grief and absolute despair.

    However, grief counseling with professionals and clergy was a terrific help.

    Eventually (not overnight: it takes time) I was healed and became a better person because of it.

    The real key in seeking help is competency. There are unqualified and/or counselors who just aren't right for each individual.

    Look until you find someone who you are comfortable with.

    The clergy is a good place to start. Especially due to your anger with God.

    Find an understanding clergy person and be honest with him/her, as to your feelings.

    If the clergy isn't sufficient, ask for a referral to a COMPETENT grief counselor.

    Above all talk, talk, talk and talk some more about what is bothering you. Don't keep it inside. That isn't good.

    Eventually, you will be happily back fighting fires and fondly remembering your friends.

    This is what worked for me; and I never thought that I would ever come out of the depths of despair and grief.

    Stay safe and God bless you.

    Fireman488

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    Sorry to hear about your loss,but I lost both of my parents and I know what you're going through. I was angry for the longest time and anger is just part of the greiving process. Yes it does get better with time and I'm sure if you look around in this fraternal organization when you're feeeling up to it you'll find another mentor down the road there's alot of them out there.

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    Michelle, as you can see by the responses, everyone has been mad at God at one point or another. I personally was so mad at God at one point that I completely gave up on relieon. For the next couple of years following that, there was a void in my life that I couldn't explain. I realized that the void was my trust that God does things for a reason. I am sure Dale & Chris are both looking down at you right now smiling because they know you care so much. Instead of greaving their deaths, try celebrating their lives. Now use what they have taught you and pass for years to come and tell them where you learned it. Their memories will be with everyone who knew them, especially you.

    Just please don't lose faith in God.
    Find 'em hot, Leave 'em wet.

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    Hi Michelle,

    I can't find any words to express how badly I feel for your loss ... BUT I want and need to sincerely thank you for expressing your candid and honest thoughts about your experiences, and about the bonds you shared with these two fine leaders.

    The courage and strength you have displayed in mourning and also honoring your friends has helped me deal with, understand, and accept my losses.

    Thank you.

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    Hang in there! When God takes people we love, he always has reasons. Some of them have to do with us, while others have nothing to do with us. At least one of the lessons you must learn from losing your buddies is how to pick yourself up and trust in God enough to depend on someone new to mentor you. But I'd say part of it is also that it's time for you to mentor a little bit yourself. Bring somebody new into the department, maybe. Hard telling, but search for meaning when there doesn't appear to be any.

    Good luck, and stay warm up there.
    I am more than just a serious basketball fan. I am a life-long addict. I was addicted from birth, in fact, because I was born in Kentucky.
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    Dear Michelle, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. The loss of people so close to you is truly a tough burden to carry. Especialy losing two mentors. I too lost a mentor, it's now been 6 years since he was killed in the line of duty. I too had a hard time dealing with his loss and found it hard to talk to anyone about it. And yes, I was mad at God for it also. I kept thinking to myself why him of all people? Though I'm not a religous person, in time I realised that things do happen for a reason, just some times we aren't meant to know why. Knowing why doesn't make the loss any less. But time and talking to friends will make it easier to accept. Right now your friends are hurting too, they need your support as much as you need thier's. I think it's great that you had the debreifing, they can really help out, but just remember, there's nothing that's says you can only have one. Don't be afraid to talk to other colleagues either, we all know the value of having someone listen to us when we need advice or to blow of steam. If I can be of any more help to you Michelle, don't be afraid to e-mail me. goochrandyg26@yahoo.com Again, I am very sorry for your loss Michelle, God bless and stay safe.
    Randall E. Guntrum FF/EMT
    If lights, sirens, and air horns do not attract the attention of a driver, he or she is too drunk to be assisted by a paint scheme.

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    Michelle,

    Hang in there friend.....Life may not be fair but God is good. And you know I'm speaking from experience on this one. Even the most "spiritual" people have tough times in their lives. In my case, even when I was mad at God, my faith in Him got me thorugh. Remember, you are amongst family here and back in Fairbanks.............

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    I'm not losing faith in God. I'm clinging to Him all the more. But I just feel like I'm being crushed alive. I just can't believe this is happening.
    I heal through reaching out to other people and having them listen to me and me listen to them. I'm a "people person" and people help me in so many ways: When I'm happy then being around people makes me beam. When I'm sad, being around people helps me heal.
    I'm trying to accept Chris's and Dale's death but it just hasn't happened yet. I know they are watching over me but right now I don't care because I want them HERE. I don't want them to be dead! I hate this! I'm so miserable. I still can't believe that they have gone and died and left me here.
    I'm venting to you all because I have to or else I'll errupt. I'm hanging in there and being strong but I just have to let my feelings out. Please don't think I'm whining or being a drama-queen. I'm hurting bad and I'm reaching out to my firefighter brothers and sisters.
    I love to mentor but even as you are a mentor you can still have mentors in your own life. I just have been so blessed to have two wonderful best friends who were also my mentors. And eCappy you are so right - they were both such wonderful leaders.
    To all you Chiefs out there: you might not realize it but you mean a lot to us firefighters.
    Please, God, don't take anyone else away from me. I don't know if I could bear it.
    Probie Name: HurryUpMichelle!!

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    Michelle,

    The pain one feels when losing someone close always makes you feel dispair, anger and loneliness, sometimes at God and sometimes at the entire world. I too have felt this pain many times since I was 19 years old. It may or may not help but here is the story.

    When I went into the military in the late 60's, I went in with 3 of my best friends. We went trough everything together and even went to VietNam together. I was the only one to return alive. At that time I felt pain beyond belief and was angry at everyone and everything. The only comfort I had was my belief in the almighty, and yes I was mad at him too. I began to realize that maybe sometimes things happen for a reason.

    When I came home and became a firefighter things didn't change much. This was also a war but one of a different kind. I have lost numerous friends in the line of duty and have always felt the pain and sorrow involed. Again I related this to something happening for a reason.

    The reason I now feel was that these great individuals with which I grew up with and/or worked with through some very trying times, were now my guardian angels. I have been through some pretty harrowing experiences over the years and have survived to this day and I thank God for giving me these guardian angels that care, love and watch over me.

    I know some may find this to be a simplistic idea but I have a deep seated feeling that all these people I was close to are there for me everyday of my waking life. They are the ones that comfort me and I still hold God close to my heart.

    Time heals all wounds and you will heal eventually. Just remember, you now have 2 guardian angels watching over you and protecting you. I hope your sorrow subsides but remember you have these guardian angels above and don't forget to talk to them now and then. I hope this helped a little.

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    I also admire your strength and courage, Michelle. It's not easy to open up and share your feelings.

    I think that the heartfelt way you have described how your two friends helped you along is a wonderful way to honor them.

    Take it from me, while they may not be here they are still with you, and they always will be. I've lost many friends in the 33 years I've been in the fire service, and it doesn't get any easier or hurt any less when I lose another member of my firefighting family; but I still feel them around me, and even sense that they're on the engine with us.

    Old Alex taught me knots over thirty years ago and passed away quietly in his sleep shortly thereafter, but I can't tie a knot without hearing his voice and smelling his stinky cigar breath.

    Big Eddie taught me how to 'Scott Up' and I still hear his raspy smoked out voice thirty years after his passing each time I pull my SCBA straps tight.

    They may be gone, but they live on inside each one of us; and so to honor them and their commitment I always stop and give time to new members just like they did for me and for others time after time after time.

    Over time you'll find that the hurt your heart now feels will strenghten you. Dale and Chris would want you to press on, always moving forward.

    Continue to honor them in word and deed. You were lucky to have known them - and they were lucky to have known you too.

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    I am sorry for your loss, but your community and the world's loss too. These men were mentors to a lot of other firefighters beside you. I know that you and we all suffer hurt when we lose someone close to us. We all feel hurt and ask God why? These firefighters were God's children and he wanted them to be with him now. Can you hear the stories that they are telling him. I bet more than a few of them are about hurry up Michelle. You are now famous in Heaven too.

    Chris and Dale are back visiting with their mentors, too.

    Michelle, the Lord will let us honor Chris and Dale by never letting them fade from our memories. That is a great gift from him.

    You were fortunate to know Chris and Dale, from your stories, I wished that I could have.

    Michelle, life goes on and now you must become a mentor for the new firefighters comming into your department. Chris and Dale are smiling down on you and waiting for you to pass the lessons on to the new guys.

    God Bless Larry

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    How about having a friend who carries a baby for nine months and then the baby is born dead? Talk about being mad at God. Everything was fine until she didn't feel the baby move on Mother's Day and thought it was just getting ready to deliver...She and her husband (a VA Beach FF) had to go through the whole labor process, too. Then she had to spend the night in the Maternity ward.

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    Michelle,

    What can I say that hasn't been already said? There's a lot of sage advice in these posts; all I can think to add is that by posting this forum you're greatly helping your own recovery by simply venting. Continue this in your own department; trust me it helps to find out that your brothers and sisters are hurting too, and you AREN'T alone.

    You cannot believe that anyone you become close to will be taken, as well. God works in mysterious ways, and if He felt that it was their time, then there's nothing anyone can do. Remember them for their mentorships and guidance, and hold your memories close. But then, you have to move on. Time does indeed heal all wounds, and you will feel better.

    Remember, Heaven needs firemen, too. God chooses the best to answer His alarms.

    Be safe out there.
    I can think of no more stirring symbol of man's humanity to man than a fire engine.

    --Kurt Vonnegut

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    First of all i am sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be to lose not one of but two of your closest friends. NEVER have i been mad at God! Everything happens for a reason...even bad things. As for you RS225!! how can you not believe in God??? this boggles my mind I will pray for your soul my lost brother..
    stay safe
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    To everyone that sent me Emails: I'm so sorry I haven't replied. For some reason my web browser shuts down every time I try to reply to any email. I will reply once things are working agin!!
    Probie Name: HurryUpMichelle!!

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    Michelle, I'm sorry to hear of your losses, time will heal your grief but a consideration of God and His ways helps even more. God says that "My ways are not your ways and your ways are not mine." Also "as the heavens are above the earth so are my ways above yours." We just can't know the answer to many of these tragedies but we can with our knowledge of Him, find some comfort in them.
    First, we can't know all the reasons but one of them is that we might put more of our trust in Him. It's so much easier to cling onto something we can see and touch but the very essense of faith is clinging to what we cannot see. Trusting God is not natural and we learn and grow from trials by being just where you are now. When it seems all props have been kocked out from under us thats when we lean on Him the most. "When I am weak, I am strongest." Through this, our faith is exercised kind of like a muscle, the more we use it the stronger it gets. Faith is a gift from God and I don't mean to lessen it by my comparisons, but we do grow when we are exercised by experience.
    Secondly, we all need to remember how frail we really are. Maybe they are being allowed to teach one last but important lesson, not only for you but their other friends and associates too. That lesson being our uncertainty in life or health from minute to minute. We never know what may be our last "worker" or our last "I love you." Seeing that our eternal souls will last after this clay tabernacle is dissolved, we ought to be the more thoughtful and prepared for our final day. I don't mean to be morbid but what do you think they would say to your department if they could have one more training session? The things of this life fade pretty fast when eternities portals are opened.
    Lastly, God says in Romans 8:28 "We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose." Yes even death works for their good, those taken to be with the Lord and those left here for awhile longer. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5,6.
    Stay safe and trust Him who cares so much for us.


    Tell your family that you love them.

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    Michelle,Ask yourself this.Why has so many firefighters left us this year?Somethings up,I don't know what but there is a reason help is needed.Maybe this will help,I don't know.T.C.

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