Thread: Just for you......
08-24-2000, 04:34 PM #26CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
now children, play nice together or you'll have to kiss and make up.
08-24-2000, 04:36 PM #27WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
Speedi I will stick up for FFTrainer if he is the steamy part of the state I must be from the frozen north and Speedi your far south of both of us.You can make all kinds of fun about New Jersey but we most likely
heard them all by now.
08-24-2000, 04:45 PM #28WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
Hey Speedi down in the good state of Tenn. just what is blizzard?
08-24-2000, 04:45 PM #29Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Kiss and make up, Ewwwwwww no way. Kiss a boy, yuuuuuck.
Well I can't get to my mail, but I got a few jokes for you Jersey boys. One of you don't have an email listed though. So how am I going to get the jokes to you?
08-24-2000, 04:48 PM #30Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
18 to 22 inches
when I stepped off of my porch into the snow it came to my knees....and before you ask I am 5'3
08-24-2000, 06:16 PM #31pahoseboyFirehouse.com Guest
Just thought I might toss a little something out
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
> > 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
> > cars
> > to see if they slow down.
> > 2) Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice.)
> > 3) Insist that your e mail address is:
> > Xenafirstname.lastname@example.org
> > Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
> > 4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
> > with
> > that.
> > 5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
> > dancing.
> > 6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
> > 7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
> > 8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
> > over
> > their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
> > 9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
> > 10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
> > 11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
> > 12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
> > the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
> > 13) Don't use any punctuation
> > 14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
> > 15) Ask people what sex they are.
> > 16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
> > 17) Sing Along at the opera.
> > 18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
> > 19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
> > them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
> > boss
> > is the opposite gender.)
> > 20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
> > For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
> > 21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
> > 22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
> > because you're not in the mood.
> > 23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
> > 24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess."
> > 25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
> > 26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd
> > time
> > this week!!!"
> > 27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
> > "Run
> > for your lives, they're loose!"
> > 28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its
> > the
> > voices in your head that do."
> > 29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to
> > have
> > to let one of you go"
> > 30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"
08-24-2000, 07:46 PM #32Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Thanks those were funny.
Guys hope you enjoyed your jokes
08-24-2000, 08:38 PM #33eCappyFirehouse.com Guest
On the first day of school somewhere deep in the heart of Jersey the teacher tells her new 2nd grade class to stand up, introduce themselves, tell the class what a parent does for a living, and then spell that occupation.
The 1st child, Mary stands and says, "My name is Mary. My Father is a carpenter. C-A-R-P-E-N-T-E-R."
The 2nd child stands up, and he says, "My name is Matthew, and my Mother is a nurse. N-U-R-S-E."
The 3rd child stands. He says, "My name is Joe, and my Father is a firefighter. F-Y-R .." He stops, scratches his head, and tries again, "F-Y-R-F .."
The teacher stops Joe. She tells him he's making a mistake, but that she'll come back to him, and he can try again.
The 4th child stands. He says, "Yo, my name is Tony. My old man's a bookie, and I lay you 5 to 1 Joey here can't spell firefighter next time neither."
08-25-2000, 09:00 AM #34Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Gentlemen, here is a gift, from me to you, with much love
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Men are like....
Men are like department stores....their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like horoscopes....they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, '"What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"
Have a fun and safe weekend.
08-25-2000, 11:14 AM #35Fyrball105Firehouse.com Guest
Just wanted to step in and come to speedis defence, let you jersey boys know we do get snow here> blizzards as speedi has said. I am a vollie, and we have had one of our trucks stuck in a snow bank that blew across the road, responding to a fire- anyway we had to wait for the people around to go get a back hoe to come down and pull us out.just take it easy on ole speedi, she does know what she's saying sometimes.
08-25-2000, 12:42 PM #36Break-N-EntryFirehouse.com Guest
Here's one Jersey boy that's been to beautiful Tennessee a couple times. I saw President's Polk's house, a Nashville Sounds game, and even got me a speeding ticket on Route 40. I love Pat Summit and those Lady Vols! Love that moonshine too ... it's got some kick ... but it made me see penguins. Hey, was that Tennesse Tuxedo?
08-25-2000, 01:15 PM #37Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Thanks fyrball.....I think.
Well Break, I can't say that I know how moon shine taste. I don't think that that is served in restaurants any more. Maybe where fyrball is from but not here in the big city. As for the lady VOLs, I'm not really a fan. Now the football team, that is a different matter. As for it being a beautiful state. You are correct. East Tennessee is the better part of the state however. Glad you can appreciate beauty when you see it.
08-25-2000, 03:31 PM #38CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
And a gift for you Speedi.
THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to
build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she done been told twice.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95%
of her intelligence? Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some
say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food to diminish
a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called
Speedi, hope you enjoy these. Does 18 to 22" of snow ever make drifts of 14 to 28' like it does here?
08-25-2000, 04:07 PM #39Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Have you been following me around the internet? I saw those jokes also. Nice of you to give me a gift in return for the one that I gave you. Thanks
08-25-2000, 11:48 PM #40Fyrball105Firehouse.com Guest
just had to come back again, and yes still moonshine here, can't say I know how it taste though, the smell burnt too much I wasn't going to try and drink it. and I wanted to give CFD a big way to go, glad somebody brought something in for speedi and if you have to think before you thank me then you probably shouldn't...
08-26-2000, 08:15 AM #41Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
08-26-2000, 10:31 AM #42Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all a'll's" is plural possessive
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Hope y'all had fun reading these here jokes. Y'all come back now ya hear.
08-26-2000, 11:11 AM #43Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
08-26-2000, 12:57 PM #44Break-N-EntryFirehouse.com Guest
I'll be back to Tennesse when y'all learn how to make knishes.
08-26-2000, 01:04 PM #45Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Well if you tell us what the heck a knish is we might know how to make one.
Well OK, I thought about it, there might be a reason we don't know what one is or how to make it. Wouldn't want all you yankees coming for a visit.......lmao
just joking don't get your knish in a knot
08-26-2000, 01:41 PM #46eCappyFirehouse.com Guest
Speedi, Can I get smoked kielbasa with mustard on a bialy down there? I'm packing my bib overalls, I'll be there in November.
08-26-2000, 03:30 PM #47Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
uh Cappy, what is bialy? and do you ont dat with grits?
bib overalls huh? Guess you want to fit in with the yokels. What part of Tennessee will you be visiting? Might want to pack some Orange and White along with those overalls. Cause it's almost
FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE
GO BIG ORANGE!!!!!!!!
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 26, 2000).]
08-28-2000, 06:07 PM #48Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
A Blonde One
A lawyer from the north and a blonde from the sultry south are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infrared wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his coworkers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 28, 2000).]
08-28-2000, 08:51 PM #491627Firehouse.com Guest
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America......are there handicapped parking places in front of the
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsuckingcreatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive through ATM machines with Braille
Only in America......does a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box
and a draft dodger can live in the White House.God, I love my country!
08-30-2000, 02:39 PM #50CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
What is the difference between a Zoo in the north and a Zoo in the south.
At each animal in the south Zoo you not only find out information about the animal, they also provide a recipe.
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