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Thread: Just for you......
08-26-2000, 08:15 AM #41Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
08-26-2000, 10:31 AM #42Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.
The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all a'll's" is plural possessive
Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
Hope y'all had fun reading these here jokes. Y'all come back now ya hear.
08-26-2000, 11:11 AM #43Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
08-26-2000, 12:57 PM #44Break-N-EntryFirehouse.com Guest
I'll be back to Tennesse when y'all learn how to make knishes.
08-26-2000, 01:04 PM #45Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Well if you tell us what the heck a knish is we might know how to make one.
Well OK, I thought about it, there might be a reason we don't know what one is or how to make it. Wouldn't want all you yankees coming for a visit.......lmao
just joking don't get your knish in a knot
08-26-2000, 01:41 PM #46eCappyFirehouse.com Guest
Speedi, Can I get smoked kielbasa with mustard on a bialy down there? I'm packing my bib overalls, I'll be there in November.
08-26-2000, 03:30 PM #47Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
uh Cappy, what is bialy? and do you ont dat with grits?
bib overalls huh? Guess you want to fit in with the yokels. What part of Tennessee will you be visiting? Might want to pack some Orange and White along with those overalls. Cause it's almost
FOOTBALL TIME IN TENNESSEE
GO BIG ORANGE!!!!!!!!
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 26, 2000).]
08-28-2000, 06:07 PM #48Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
A Blonde One
A lawyer from the north and a blonde from the sultry south are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infrared wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his coworkers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 28, 2000).]
08-28-2000, 08:51 PM #491627Firehouse.com Guest
ONLY IN AMERICA
Only in America......are there handicapped parking places in front of the
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsuckingcreatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive through ATM machines with Braille
Only in America......does a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box
and a draft dodger can live in the White House.God, I love my country!
08-30-2000, 02:39 PM #50CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
What is the difference between a Zoo in the north and a Zoo in the south.
At each animal in the south Zoo you not only find out information about the animal, they also provide a recipe.
08-30-2000, 02:47 PM #51Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
EWWWWWW!!!!! That is not true, I have not eaten any monkey since I was little. I think that is when they stopped passing out the recipes.
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 30, 2000).]
08-30-2000, 03:26 PM #52Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Hey CFD, I found the monkey recipe wanna come for dinner? Side dish of giraffe
or would that be main course of giraffe, side dish of monkey? the giraffe is bigger. hmmmmm
08-30-2000, 04:28 PM #53Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Ok, now I know what a knish is and what bialy is. Now, tell me this. I have found recipes for New York knish and Boston knish. Is there a New Jersey knish? Bialy sounds delish but too much work to try and make.
08-30-2000, 06:56 PM #54HYTHE FIRE DEPARTMENTFirehouse.com Guest
Three blondes are on an island. They are standing on the beach, and can see the mainland, but cant get off. They find a bottle on the beach, open it, and out pops a gennie. The gennie grants each blonde one wish.
Blonde #1 wishes she was smarter than a blonde. Poof, she is a red head and proceeds to successfully swim to the mainland.
Blonde #2 wishes she was smarter than a red head. Poof, she is a brunette. She builds a raft and floats to the mainland.
Blonde #3 says she can do better, and wishes she were smarter than a red head and a brunette. Poof, she becomes a man and walks across the bridge.
08-30-2000, 07:03 PM #55Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
If she were a man she would never make it across because he would have to inspect the bridge to see if it was sturdy enough. Then being lost as most men are he wouldn't want to ask directions to get across so he would be stuck on the island forever.
08-31-2000, 12:38 PM #56HYTHE FIRE DEPARTMENTFirehouse.com Guest
What I should have said was she turned into a man and decided to stay on the island because the other two had left. He finally had some peace and quite.
[This message has been edited by HYTHE FIRE DEPARTMENT (edited August 31, 2000).]
08-31-2000, 01:05 PM #57CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house
A brunette, red head and blonde go out for a drink. Each uses brevity to order their drinks. The brunette tells the bartender ML and he gets her a Miller Lite. The red head asks for a BL and the bartender sets a Bud Light in front of her.
The blonde calls him over and says "I'll have a fifteen."
"Fifteen." says the bar keep, "what is a fifteen?"
"You know," says the blonde. "A seven and seven."
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. That's cruelty to animals, have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the woman is home, telling her about the encounter with the cop.
"Well, what did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob...something about the emergency brake..."
08-31-2000, 01:18 PM #58Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
LMAO!!!!! you got me there, I am laughing so hard I can't think of a come back.
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 31, 2000).]
08-31-2000, 02:01 PM #59Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
A man is a person who - if a woman says, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her.
A woman is a person who - if she says to a man,
"Nevermind, I'll do it myself." and he lets her - gets mad.
A man is a person who - if a woman says to him, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself,"
and he lets her and she gets mad - says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who - if she says to a man, "Nevermind, I'll do it myself,"
and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says,
"Now what are you mad about?" - says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!"
08-31-2000, 03:11 PM #60pahoseboyFirehouse.com Guest
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
> >was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
> >was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
> >The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
> >while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
> >mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn
> >by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
> >"Hit him again," the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
> >there in the first place!!"
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