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  1. #61
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted
    to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the
    new business sight and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."

    The owner was very angry, to say the least, and called to complain."
    Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended,"
    said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral
    taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
    "Congratulations on your new location."

  2. #62
    Firehouse.com Guest


    lol, those were funny

  3. #63
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A drunk cowboy was driving home late one night when he passes a nun on the side of the road. He slams on the breaks, gets out, and proceeds to beat the living crap out of the nun. As the nun lies there in the ditch, the cowboy spits on her and yells "you're not so tough now are you Batman!"


  4. #64
    Firehouse.com Guest


    An old man walks into a whore house in Las Vegas and ask for Natalia. The Madame says that Natalia is our most expensive girl, she costs $1,000 for an hour.

    The old man says he only wants Natalia. They bring him to her room, he pays her $1,000 and they proceed to have sex for the hour.

    The next day the old man returns and asks for Natalia. The Madame explained that the price is still $1,000, and no one has ever come back for another turn. He demanded to speak to Natalia. Once again he is shown to her room, he pays the $1000, and they have sex for the next hour.

    The next day the old man returns again and asks for Natalia. The Madame is in shock as it is unheard of for some one to pay that much for sex three days in a row. Once again, they show him to her room. He pays her the $1,000 and they have sex. Afterwards, Natalia decides to learn a little bit about the client. She asks the old man where he is from. "I am from Minsk" he says. Natalia is shocked. "I am from Minks as well, I grew up there"

    "I know" he said," your brother sent me here to find you and give you the $3,000 he owed you."


  5. #65
    Firehouse.com Guest


  6. #66
    Firehouse.com Guest


    One fellow sent to prison wasn't worried at all about serving his full term. When asked why, he said his wife had never let him finish a sentence the whole time they've been married.

    Be Safe

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 31, 2000).]

  7. #67
    Firehouse.com Guest


    The Ferrari Incident

    A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, a man on a moped pulls up next to him. The man looks over from his moped to the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there?"
    The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
    "That's a lot of money," says the other man increduously. "Why does it cost so much?"
    "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
    The moped driver asks if he can take a look inside, and the owner agrees. So he pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the moped guy what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
    Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the guy on the moped! "Couldn't be," he thinks. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! Whooooosh... Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
    The young man jumps out, and it IS the other man!!! Of course, both the man and the moped are hurting for certain. Ferrari-boy runs up to the dying man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
    The man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

    Hmmm, he must have been blonde......Whatcha think?

    Be safe out there

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 31, 2000).]

  8. #68
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!

    TRIPLE HA!!!!!


    Be safe out there

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 31, 2000).]

  9. #69
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the
    market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a
    special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens
    and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor
    replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the
    horniest rooster you will ever see!"

    So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him
    loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk.
    "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And
    without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

    Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a
    thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying,
    till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.

    But Randy didn't stop there; he went in to the barn and mounted
    all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

    Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same. The farmer,
    watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy,
    you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each
    farm animal in the same manner.

    Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying
    there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled
    back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already
    circling above Randy.

    The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look
    what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you,
    little buddy."

    "Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"

  10. #70
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Just for Speedi .....

    Yo! What's up? B-N-E is back in da house, in charge, livin large, and givin a big shout out HELLO to all da 911 party people here in da house! Make some noise if you want a funny my honey from da hood!

    Shopper: Give me a pack of Kools.
    Clerk: Ain't got no Kools, just Newports, they the next best thing.

    Shopper: OK, give me a bottle of Coke.
    Clerk: Ain't got no Coke, just Pepsi, it the next best thing.

    Shopper: OK, give me a box of Tide.
    Clerk: Ain't got no Tide, just Cheer, it the next best thing.

    Shopper: OK, give me Tic-Tacs.
    Clerk: Ain't got no Tic-Tacs, just Certs, it the next best thing.

    Shopper: OK, here. (Puts a book of food stamps on da counter).
    Clerk: Hey, that's not money ... them's food stamps!
    Shopper: Next best thing.

    Just for Speedi ....

    My brother-in-law must be from Tennessee. He so lazy that he never on time for work. He always late. He only be on time once .... daylight savings.

    B-N-E is outa here, PEACE!

  11. #71
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face

    Three women; a blonde, a red head, and a brunette are real good friends and they go on a cruise. They shipwreck and land on a deserted island. They find an old bottle washed up on the beach, and it takes all three of them to pull out the cork. A genie appears and says that he only has the power to give three wishes, so each woman may have only one. The red head quickly says that she wishes she was home, and POOF, she's home. The brunette says that she wishes she was home, and POOF, she's home. The blonde says, "This is so cool! I can't believe this is happening to me! I wish all my friends could see me now!"

  12. #72
    Firehouse.com Guest


  13. #73
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A player from Alabama travels to Boston to visit relatives. At a party, he runs into a pretty girl and attempts to strike up a conversation.. "What school do y'all go to?" he asks.

    Annoyed by both his grammar and his Southern drawl, she sniffs, "Yale."

    So the ol'boy clears his throat and shouts,

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 01, 2000).]

  14. #74
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face

    Part Two:

    Then she says, "I'm celibate."

    So he says, "If you sell a bit ... I'll buy a bit."

  15. #75
    Firehouse.com Guest


    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 01, 2000).]

  16. #76
    Firehouse.com Guest


    cool speedy really cool

  17. #77
    Firehouse.com Guest



  18. #78
    Firehouse.com Guest


    What is your score?

    You go out to buy her feminine products: +5
    But return with beer: -5
    You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
    You pummel it with a six iron: +10
    It's her father: -10

    Social Engagements

    You stay by her side the entire party: 0
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
    college drinking buddy: -2
    Named Tiffany: -4
    Tiffany is a dancer: -6
    Tiffany has implants: -8

    Saturday Afternoons

    You visit her parents: +1
    You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
    You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
    And the television is off: -6
    You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
    And you didn't even go to college: -10
    And it's not really your underwear: -15

    Her Birthday

    You take her out to dinner: 0
    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
    Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
    And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
    is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
    You give her a gift: 0
    You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
    You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
    You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
    You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30
    You wait till the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10
    With her credit card: -30
    And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40


    You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
    Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
    And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

    A Night Out with Your Pals

    You have a few beers: -9
    For every beer after three, -2 again
    And miss curfew by an hour: -12
    You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
    You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars:
    And not wearing any pants: -40
    Is that a tattoo? -200

    A Night Out, Just The Two of You

    You go see a comic: +2
    He's crude and sexist: -2
    You laugh: -5
    You laugh too much: -10
    She's not laughing: -15
    You laugh harder: -25


    You lose the directions on a trip: -4
    You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
    You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
    You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up
    close & personal: -25
    She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60


    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
    displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
    When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
    You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
    television or picking up a newspaper: +10
    She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

  19. #79
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face


    This past Saturday night our driver/pump operator "Boo-Boo" made his comedy club debut. Seeing all of us in the audience he mixed in some firefighting jokes; "Our Chief is so fat that we call his car the Fatmobile." "Our Chief is so fat that one time he fell asleep on the beach and woke up in Sea World," and "Our Chief is so boring that if you sat next to him on a plane you would pretend you are asleep." Shame old Boo-Boo didn't see the Chief sitting at the bar!

  20. #80
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Is BooBoo Blonde?

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 05, 2000).]

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