1. #76
    Firehouse.com Guest


    cool speedy really cool

  2. #77
    Firehouse.com Guest



  3. #78
    Firehouse.com Guest


    What is your score?

    You go out to buy her feminine products: +5
    But return with beer: -5
    You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
    You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
    You pummel it with a six iron: +10
    It's her father: -10

    Social Engagements

    You stay by her side the entire party: 0
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
    college drinking buddy: -2
    Named Tiffany: -4
    Tiffany is a dancer: -6
    Tiffany has implants: -8

    Saturday Afternoons

    You visit her parents: +1
    You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
    You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3
    And the television is off: -6
    You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
    And you didn't even go to college: -10
    And it's not really your underwear: -15

    Her Birthday

    You take her out to dinner: 0
    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
    Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
    And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
    is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
    You give her a gift: 0
    You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
    You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
    You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
    You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:+30
    You wait till the last minute and buy her a gift that day:-10
    With her credit card: -30
    And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40


    You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
    Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
    And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

    A Night Out with Your Pals

    You have a few beers: -9
    For every beer after three, -2 again
    And miss curfew by an hour: -12
    You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
    You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars:
    And not wearing any pants: -40
    Is that a tattoo? -200

    A Night Out, Just The Two of You

    You go see a comic: +2
    He's crude and sexist: -2
    You laugh: -5
    You laugh too much: -10
    She's not laughing: -15
    You laugh harder: -25


    You lose the directions on a trip: -4
    You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
    You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
    You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up
    close & personal: -25
    She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60


    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
    displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
    When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
    You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
    television or picking up a newspaper: +10
    She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

  4. #79
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face


    This past Saturday night our driver/pump operator "Boo-Boo" made his comedy club debut. Seeing all of us in the audience he mixed in some firefighting jokes; "Our Chief is so fat that we call his car the Fatmobile." "Our Chief is so fat that one time he fell asleep on the beach and woke up in Sea World," and "Our Chief is so boring that if you sat next to him on a plane you would pretend you are asleep." Shame old Boo-Boo didn't see the Chief sitting at the bar!

  5. #80
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Is BooBoo Blonde?

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 05, 2000).]

  6. #81
    Firehouse.com Guest


    I don't know if you guys and gals will find this funny.. this is an actual call that we ran..

    We responded to a car fire one evening, after putting out the fire chief had me write up the report and interview the owner of the vehicle.

    He explained to me that the car was out of gas, so a young man picked him and his girl up to go get some gas, they came back a short while later and the guy left them in the dark, the man could not see the gas tank so his girl lit a lighter and the gas can caught fire, luckily no one was injured.

    The guys had to wait to get back to the fire station to laugh on this one. even the sheriff's officer got a kick out of this.

    tell me what you people think.....

    Andrew Coe
    Green Pond Fire & Rescue Service.

  7. #82
    pvfr fyrfyter
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Thumbs up

    Thanks to all for the jokes. My sides hurt from laughing.

    By the way Speedi. GO HUSKERS

    The few, the proud, the insane- Volunteer Firefighters

  8. #83
    Firehouse.com Guest


    All I can say is that it takes all kinds.


    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 06, 2000).]

  9. #84
    Firehouse.com Guest


    I'm from Hackensack, so ..... GO COMETS!!

    Hey Patti,

    Two oldtimers had season tickets for all the Vols games. They had the tickets for years and years, and they never missed a game. During halftime one oldtimer looks at the other and asks, "Hey Bubba, do you think there's football in heaven?" Bubba thinks for a minute and says, "Well I don't know, but I'll make you a deal. If I die first I'll come back and tell you. If you die first, you have to come back and tell me." They agree and shake hands. A week later Bubba passes on; he dies peacefully in his sleep. His buddy goes to the next game sure that Bubba would want him to. At halftime Bubba appears in angel form. His buddy sees him and asks, "Bubba, is there football in heaven?" Bubba smiles and says, "Well I got good news and bad news. First the good news ... yes, there's football in heaven. Now the bad news ... you're starting at quarterback tomorrow!"

  10. #85
    Firehouse.com Guest


    UMMMM Break, what is a hackensack?
    Ok I didn't find out much about Hackensack, except that it is a small town. But I did find out..........

    As one of the original 13 colonies, New Jersey has seen a wealth of history come its way. Here is just a sampling of the many historically-significant sites and landmarks within our borders.

    New Jersey's best-known hero may very well be George Washington.
    At Washington Crossing State Park in Titusville in the Delaware River Region, Washington and his army entered New Jersey after crossing the Delaware River on Christmas night 1776, and the subsequent Battle of Trenton took place.

    From the pictures and the information that I have found New Jersey seems like a wonderful place to visit.

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 06, 2000).]

  11. #86
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face

    > > > The National Transportation Safety Board recently
    > > > divulged they had covertly funded a project with the
    > > > US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the
    > > > auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel
    > > > drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
    > > > accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
    > > > before the crash. They were surprised to find in 45
    > > > of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2
    > > > percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"
    > > >
    > > > Only the states of Mississippi, New Mexico, Arkansas,
    > > > Alabama, Texas and Oklahoma were different, where over
    > > > 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer
    > > > and watch this."

  12. #87
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Thanks Pa showed that to a coworker, it gave us a chuckle.

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 06, 2000).]

  13. #88
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when a
    little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can
    you tell me the time?"

    The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and
    jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at
    it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man."

    "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss
    my a**."

    With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the
    outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been
    running long when an old friend stopped him.

    "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend.

    Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said,
    "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was
    quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should
    kiss his a**!"

    "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten

  14. #89
    Firehouse.com Guest


    A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
    "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

    "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

    The assistant bends down and has a look at the shoes. "Try
    pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

    "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith thighth."

  15. #90
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face

    How about this REAL CALL

    We get a call of a mobile home fire. The Engine responds with Tanker following. Upon arrival the Engine drives over the lawn -- the Tanker follows the Engine's tracks right to the mobile home. The only problem was when the Tanker Engineer got out and started to hook to the Engine he stepped on the same tracks the trucks followed and at that point

    a Septic TANK!! In goes the Engineer who now has the nick name of


    He is also called

    Little FAT MAN

    since he must weigh more that the two trucks that did not break the tank

  16. #91
    Firehouse.com Guest


    a women looked out here door in here small town and saw a little boy playing fireman. She thought he was so cute, he had a little red plastice firehelmet, his yellow slickers and a red wagon with a step ladder tied to the side, being pulled my a dalmation. she watched him go up and down the street and finally saw that the boy had the tow roped tied to the dalmations testicles. she yelled to the boy that the dog might go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck, the boy replied, yes mam, but then I would loose my siren.....

  17. #92
    Firehouse.com Guest


    For pvfr and speedi. Go K-State Wildcats!!!!

    Last year at the K-State v. Nebraska game it was a packed house at Lincoln, NE, Memorial stadium. There was an elderly gentleman sitting beside an empty seat. After half time the seat was still empty so the man behind him asked if he was expecting someone. The old man explained that he and his wife had season tickets for over 40 years. But that she had passed away so he came by himself. The fan asked the old man if there was any member of his family or friend that maybe would have liked to come to the big game? The elderly man replied, "No, they're all at the funeral."

  18. #93
    pvfr fyrfyter
    Firehouse.com Guest


    and now as Paul Harvey says, "the rest of the story."
    after returning home from the game, the elderly gentleman was met by lawyers from each of his offspring threatening legal action unless that offspring got the other ticket.
    my colleague from K-State is just jealous because the last time Nebraska had season tickets available was when Lyndon Johnson was president.

    The few, the proud, the insane- Volunteer Firefighters

  19. #94
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Are you two playing nicely?

    Cause if you aren't you will have to go to the corner and stand until I tell you to come out.

    [This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited September 12, 2000).]

  20. #95
    Firehouse.com Guest


    One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls
    out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

    "What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.

    "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
    surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
    wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

    "Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.

    "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
    food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

    "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
    create a 'woman' for you."

    "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"

    "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
    and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
    intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want
    it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your
    every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that
    of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
    every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
    you," replies the heavenly voice.

    "Sounds great."

    "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

    "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.

    "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."

    Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and
    concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

  21. #96
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Everybody knows that he just let Adam think he was created first.

  22. #97
    Firehouse.com Guest


    Originally posted by Speedi120:
    Everybody knows that he just let Adam think he was created first.
    Speedi, At least you agree our Lord God is male.

    God 1, Man 0

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.
    "What majestic trees!"
    "What powerful rivers!"
    "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
    As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

    He looked over his shoulder & saw the bear closing in on him.
    He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.
    He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
    His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.

    At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"

    Just then, time stopped...
    The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying...
    "You deny my existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit my creation to a cosmic accident, and now do
    you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

    Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said...

    "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.

    As the light went out, the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued, the bear put his paw down.

    The bear then brought both paws together...bowed his head and said...

    "Lord, I thank you for this food, which I am about to receive.


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