Thread: Just for you......
08-17-2000, 04:23 PM #1Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Just for you......
Here is a joke (just for Woodman)
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked.
"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"
[This message has been edited by Speedi120 (edited August 17, 2000).]
08-17-2000, 05:28 PM #2WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
Speedi,Have you been talking to my wife? I will hang this one up on the wall at the station since the guys know I dont agure with my wife since I lose all the time.
08-17-2000, 05:38 PM #3Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
lol I shall never tell..........
08-18-2000, 09:36 AM #4Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to
the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind
them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured
I'd better run too!"
08-18-2000, 10:23 AM #5WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
You are starting to scare me Speedi,a buddy of mine works for the gas company so I have to show him this.By the way what is you next joke coming.
Speedi,you did say that your boy friend was on a fire department?So what was all the fuss
about you putting your two cents in other spouse and boy/girl friends have in the past.
Email if you dont care to get every one going again.
08-18-2000, 11:12 AM #6Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
I promise, I don't know you, I am not your wife......... lol It is hard to find jokes that are appropriate for a forum. I am currently looking for a joke for fyrball1052, It's his turn now.
08-18-2000, 02:10 PM #7Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, " He ' s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "
The next-door neighbor protested, " Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "
The wife replied, " Yes, but who wants HIM back? "
08-18-2000, 02:46 PM #8CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
Here yo go Speedi.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last
week it took four state troopers and a dog.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement
Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman. Since then, neither
God nor Man has rested.
08-18-2000, 03:28 PM #9WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
Just keep them coming by the end of the week
Iwill have enough to cover my office wall.
I have just notice I can not think of any that would not get me kicked off of this forum.
08-18-2000, 03:44 PM #10Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
lol I was wondering how long it would take to get you guys in on this.
I know Tom, it sure is hard to find a clean joke that wont offend.
08-18-2000, 04:12 PM #11WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
So it takes a little longer for the light bulb to come on then other times.
08-18-2000, 04:17 PM #12Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
lol, any one else out there with some jokes?
08-18-2000, 04:47 PM #13Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2 to 4 years"
08-18-2000, 05:04 PM #14WOODMANFirehouse.com Guest
Speedi you are showing you true colors again.
I will think over the weekend to see if I can come up with any for you.
08-18-2000, 05:17 PM #15Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
my true colors?
I think most blonde jokes are stupid but every now and then there is one that I just can't help but laugh at.
08-21-2000, 12:44 PM #16Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Here is your funny's for the day
On a highway in New York, "Caution, state correctional facility ahead, do not pick up hitchhikers."
I saw a sign yesterday that read "No Outlet", right under it was a tiny sign that said "one block ahead."
A sign outside a furniture store in northern Virginia states (in large letters)
"ANTIQUE Tables Made Here Daily."
On a trip to London, we visited a museum which had special facilities for disabled visitors. Many exhibits had small brass plates with Braille writing (you know, with raised dots so blind people can 'feel' the words). The translation underneath said, "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THIS EXHIBIT."
We were driving and saw a sign that said, "Loose 30 pounds in 1 month." Under the sign there was another sign that had the McDonalds arch with an arrow pointing to the way to McDonalds.
In a small town in North Carolina there is a junk yard that has a huge sign on the front of the building that says, "Drive Reckless! It Helps Business!"
For the Stupid signs section: I have repeatedly seen the same banner on bus stop benches all over Sacramento, California. They read simply, "Learn to Read. Call xxx-xxxx"
Billboard I saw on a hill down south: Tattoos done while you wait!
A local jewelry store in my town has a marquee out front that says, "We buy old boyfriends jewelry!"
A sign on the back shield of a car: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR SHOULD I DRIVE BY AGAIN?
On the dirty back window of a Computer company van, some funny person had written with their finger in the dust www.washme.com.au.
Stupid Signs: I was driving by a KFC and on their marquee it said: "Now Hiring: 2 Chickens for $5.99."
I used to work at a residence for developmentally disabled adults called "Opengate."There was a sign on their gate that read: "Gate must remain closed at all times."
While driving through a small town I noticed a sign that said, "FOR SALE: BUY OWNER"
When I lived on California, one day I was driving down a mountainous road in the desert. I came across a sign that said, "Watch For Trocks." I don't know it it meant "trucks" or "rocks in the road." Ha! Maybe it meant "trucks hauling rocks". Anyway, it was one of the funniest signs I ever saw.
On the way to my sisters house in a small Minnesota town is a building with a big sign on the front door that says "STRIP-N-SHOP." It makes me laugh out loud every time I drive by. Turns out it is a furniture refinishing business.
As I was driving down the Strip in Las Vegas I noticed a sign on a small run-down motel:
"This motel highly recommended by owner."
There is a road sign near Cape Cod, Massachusetts that declares:
"CAUTION - WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN"
On a sign at an Indiana college: "Keep Door Close."
In a small town next to where I live, there is a Presbyterian Church with a sign that reads,: "Come join us for Sun. worship!"
I saw a sign in Kansas just off the highway that read: "WHAM for kids, a child abuse foundation."
Here's a sign my friends and I get a kick out of: Sign from a clothing store, "Kids CHEAP!"
Rounding the drive-thru at a local fast food place I noticed a sign on the wooden gates around the dumpsters. It read: "OPENS FROM INSIDE"
There is a mini-mall in San Jose CA. It has a small pharmacy and a seamstress shop located in the mall. The sign out front says: "Lee's Drugs -- Unlimited Alterations"
In the sporting goods department of the Wal-Mart I work at there is a display with a back to school sign. Under the sign are boxes of rifle shells.
On the front of a catholic elementary school
Jesus is coming!
No bingo Sunday
At the entrance to a small community is a sign that says: Private Property
There is a sign at a small country cemetery near my home that is a little slanted and pointing down toward the ground and it says "ONE WAY."
In Ocean Springs, MS, there is a sign that reads "speed limit 25mph unless otherwise posted." Right below it, another sign reads, "Speed limit 30 mph."
Sign: "Fire wood for sale to go."
While on a vacation in Maine, we visited a water park. To help people who didn't want to stay wet, there was a sign pointing to the changing areas. Right below that sign, which pointed left, there was another one for a viewing area, which -- you guessed it, also pointed left. I wonder who the genius was who designed the park?
In Richmond, KY there was a restaurant named Bonanza and they had a sign that said, "Remember there is no tipping at Bonanza" The place then burnt to the ground and they changed the sign to read, "Remember there is no Bonanza."
This was seen several years ago, also from the Atlanta Vasectomy Clinic, and was in reference to the Atlanta Braves baseball team... "Atlanta Vasectomy Clinic, Atlanta's best Chop Shop!"
08-21-2000, 02:44 PM #17FFTrainerFirehouse.com Guest
This really isn't a joke, but more of an act of stupidity....
A man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued...and won. In delivering the ruling, the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man
held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was
obligated to pay the claim. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him
arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
08-21-2000, 02:47 PM #18FFTrainerFirehouse.com Guest
Ok, so this one is more of a joke....
A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that
the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing
we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
08-21-2000, 03:52 PM #19Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
I have heard both of those, although I didn't hear the first one in its entirety. The second one I have heard several different ways. Always makes me smile when I read it.
08-21-2000, 06:16 PM #20CFD14Firehouse.com Guest
Here is a few insults to use as long as its not against me. LOL
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on you today?
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to pretend to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
08-24-2000, 12:52 PM #21wrongWAYFirehouse.com Guest
A woman from the deep steamy south moves to the northeast. She's never seen snow before and almost wrecks her car one night driving past the firehouse in some freshly fallen snow, and gets stuck. The firefighters go out and push her car. She tells them that she's worried about making into work the next day. They tell her that if she follows a snow plowing truck she'll be fine.
As soon as she starts out for work the next morning she sees a snow plow and starts following it. She's following, following, and following, and following. The driver of the plow sees that he's being followed, stops, gets out and asks, "Hey, are you following me?"
"Yes, I am," she says, "I am from the south and I'm not used to driving in snow, but the fire department told me to follow a plow."
"Well Ok," the plow driver says,"I don't mind ... but now that I'm done with the A&P lot I'm on my way to plow Sears."
08-24-2000, 01:01 PM #22Break-N-EntryFirehouse.com Guest
Responding to alarms we usually drive past a house that is owned by a couple who have a very troubled son. He chases people, has beat up mail carriers, and throws rocks at cars. Someone nailed a hand painted sign on their fence: BEWARE OF DOUG!
08-24-2000, 03:30 PM #23FFTrainerFirehouse.com Guest
Hey has anybody checked that car following the snowplow to see if it might be Tennessee Speedi????
08-24-2000, 04:05 PM #24Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Looks like this Tennessean is going to have to teach some New Jersey boys about Southern belles
Funny, real funny guys. You know, I have been holding back on the male bashing jokes. Looks like I need to not hold back so much.
Oh, by the way. We get snow here. Have seen a few blizzards. And if I chose to follow something, it would be a firetruck, not a snow plow......so
08-24-2000, 04:11 PM #25Speedi120Firehouse.com Guest
Oh by the way......I picked up on the fact that Wrongway modified that joke. Steamy south and blonde, for a minute I thought he was talking about FFTrainer. You live in the steamy southern part of Jersey dont you FF?
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