1. #51
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Post OKAY........

    40 Things Never Said By Southerners
    40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. (Iím not sure what that means)
    39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
    38. Duct tape won't fix that.
    37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
    36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
    35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
    34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
    33. You can't feed that to the dog.
    32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
    31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
    30. Wrasslin's fake.
    29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
    28. We're vegetarians.
    27. Do you think my gut is too big?
    26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
    25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
    24. Who's Richard Petty?
    23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
    22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
    21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
    20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
    19. Trim the fat off that steak.
    18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
    17. The tires on that truck are too big.
    16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
    15. I've got it all on the C drive.
    14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
    13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
    12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
    11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
    10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
    09. Checkmate.
    08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
    07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
    06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
    05. I don't have a favorite college team.
    04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
    03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
    02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
    01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

  2. #52
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    Talking You're my density......

    Originally posted by Diane
    (I haven't gotten in trouble yet, though!)
    As the man said in "Back to the Future"....You're a slacker McFly!

    Diane....you'll just have to put more effort in it! (hee,hee)

    stroutkristen

    You forgot #41

    Take that 3 off the car!
    Proudly serving as the IACOJ Minister of Information & Propoganda!
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  3. #53
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    OMG...I think my cerebrum is melting and now dripping down my spine.
    May we never forget our fallen, worldwide.

    I.A.C.O.J. Safety/Traffic Control Officer

    E6511

    "Who's Who Among American Teachers" - 2005, 2006 Honoree

  4. #54
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    Wink #22 ?

    #22 When you are really heated you'll sit there for a half hour trying to word it right, then cool down and don't post it anyhow.


    ... can't tell you how often I've done that, heck 51 posts in 3 years. I just like to hang out, sit in my corner and watch people beat the h3ll out of eachother!!!
    Later


    PS... The sheep cam, too funny, but the Fort Hood server blocked the cow tipping site .
    Last edited by Drewbo; 05-30-2002 at 01:24 PM.
    **************************
    ---NO RETREAT... NO SURRENDER---

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  5. #55
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Unhappy I GUESS I JUST DON'T LEARN!!!

    Bubba Claus
    A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.
    I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
    1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: ''These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.''
    2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
    3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
    4. You won't hear ''On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...'' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, ''On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.''
    5. ''Ho, ho, ho!'' has been replaced by ''Yee Haw!'' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, ''I her'd dat!''
    6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ''Back Off!'' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
    7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ''Miracle on 34th Street'' and ''It's a Wonderful Life'' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see ''Boss Hogg Saves Christmas'' and ''Smokey and the Bandit IV'' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
    8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
    9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like ''Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer'' and Bing Crosby's ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's ''Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's ''All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s ''If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.''
    Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

  6. #56
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    Hmmm...isn't the Fairies and Elves' union based in California?



    Now here are the top 40 things you'll never hear in California.
    40. I really think we should leave Coloradoís water alone.
    39. Jeez, arenít wooden shingles dangerous in a fire?
    38. Oh, those trees are just too close to the house.
    37. Call me old-fashioned, but...
    36. Crappy weather.
    35. Why wonít they just tear down those fences and let all our friends in Mexico come on in?
    34. No water for me, Iíll just drink a Coke.
    33. Come on you two, letís park your cars and you can ride with me!
    32. I donít mind the traffic. Itís nice to have a moment for reflection.
    31. Who wants a hyphenated name?
    30. I hear the food at Spago isnít all that hot anyway.
    29. Letís just pick up a dress at JC Penneyís instead of spending all that money for something Iíll wear once.
    28. Iím satisfied being a size 12.
    27. If Iím supposed to go bald, thatís just what will happen.
    26. This is just the nicest, safest school!
    25. Donít worry about the break-in. LAPD wonít miss a thing!
    24. The last thing I want to see is another car chase on TV!
    23. I went to Oregon this weekend to look at a house, and the people were so friendly!
    22. Iíd rather just stay in out of the sun for a while.
    21. Donít worry, itís easy to drive there on the freeways.
    20. Tofu? Yuck!
    19. This is just such a sane, sensible place to live.
    18. Oh! I better slow down so that fellow can change lanes!
    17. Ah, Hollywood at night: Beautiful people everywhere you go.
    16. An education in the LA school system is worth its weight in gold.
    15. Gianni who?
    14. There are some things that just shouldnít be pierced.
    13. Itís a nice carĖeasy on fuel, not flashy, just solid transportation.
    12. Let me call you back when traffic thins out.
    11. We bought most of the decorations from Wal-Mart.
    10. The Osbournes are the sweetest neighbors you could ask for.
    9. You have to understand why people in South Central were upset over the Rodney King verdict.
    8. Letís go fishing and shop another time.
    7. Thatís too expensive.
    6. I think those Berkeley kids should go back to class and respect their elders.
    5. Itís just a melting pot of ethnic good will around here.
    4. Iíll probably buy earthquake insurance.
    2. (tie) Thank you!
    2. (tie) Youíre welcome!
    1. Who wants bologna for lunch?

    Touche!

  7. #57
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    Oh the humanity!! The pain!! THE PAIN!! Pleash shlomebody helpsh me...Oh shleeeeeshh...my spleech ish shlurring...I cansht take it...Pleeeeeeessssssshhhh......aarrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh h!
    May we never forget our fallen, worldwide.

    I.A.C.O.J. Safety/Traffic Control Officer

    E6511

    "Who's Who Among American Teachers" - 2005, 2006 Honoree

  8. #58
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Red face I WAS RAISED BY SOUTHERNERS!!!

    WHEN THINGS JUST DONíT SEEM QUITE ON THE UP AND UP
    A few clowns short of a circus.
    A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
    An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
    A few beers short of a six-pack.
    Dumber than a box of hair.
    A few peas short of a casserole.
    Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
    The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
    One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
    One taco short of a combination plate.
    A few feathers short of a whole duck.
    All foam, no beer.
    The cheese slid off her cracker.
    Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
    Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
    He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
    An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
    As smart as bait.
    Chimney's clogged.
    Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
    Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
    Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
    Forgot to pay her brain bill.
    Her sewing machine's out of thread.
    His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
    His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
    If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
    Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
    No grain in the silo.
    Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
    Receiver is off the hook.
    Several nuts short of a full pouch.
    Skylight leaks a little.
    Slinky's kinked.
    Surfing in Nebraska.
    Too much yardage between the goal posts.
    Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    The lights are on, but nobody's home.
    24 cents short of a quarter

  9. #59
    IACOJ BOD
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    Quick somebody,
    Hit that man with a roadsign he is delerious...

  10. #60
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    Kiwi, funny you should mention the Mal DC and using him as a wheel chock, or putting him up on the hose bed. For the last one, we try not to let him up there at all, on account of his being VERTICALLY CHALLENGED and all. Last year he was up on top of the Engine and ya know being the Dept Safety Officer and all, well he sorta fell off the top bed....

    Recently he has been quietly referred to as L.S.G. (Little Short Guy)
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  11. #61
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    *gasp* *gasp* ...shtrout...no....mmmurmsmush...sigh....*gasp* *gasp* __________________________________________________ _____
    Last edited by StayBack500FT; 05-30-2002 at 02:05 PM.
    May we never forget our fallen, worldwide.

    I.A.C.O.J. Safety/Traffic Control Officer

    E6511

    "Who's Who Among American Teachers" - 2005, 2006 Honoree

  12. #62
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    Talking The art of Common Sense

    The District Chief and the Firefighter were in the field at a bush fire. As they hit the sack for the night the FF said: "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

    The DC said: "I see millions of stars."

    FF: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

    DC: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
    Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    What does it you, Firefighter?"

    FF: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent!"

  13. #63
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    Two-7

    Pay some respect to the guy and remember

    "When in Gnome, do as the Gnome-mens do"

    couldn't resist adding this

    A German decoy, built in occupied Holland in WWII, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
    There were wooden hangers, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
    The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
    The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooded plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

  14. #64
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    Here are a few more:

    Not all his ducks are in a row
    If S@#t were brains, he wouldn't have enough to make a wet spot in his shorts
    Somewhere, a Village is missing it's Idiot
    He may be slow, but his work is poor

    I am starting to think that someone should call IX-II (that's 911 for you more upbeat guys with the fancy phones) for Stayback, I think he is need of some O2... before he passes out on us here.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  15. #65
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    Not CO2
    he is NMG

    Needs More Guiness

  16. #66
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    Kiwi, as a matter of note, he receives the respect that is due him as an officer. Of course it is sometimes very difficult to think "L.S.G." and keep a straight face while talking to him..... but those of us who know the accronym, keep it to ourselves.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  17. #67
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Talking FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION GUINESS

    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ďSo,Ē says the cop to the driver, ďwhere have you been?Ē
    ďWhy, Iíve been to the pub of courseĒ slurs the drunk.
    ďWell,Ē says the cop, ďit looks like youíve had quite a few to drink this eveningĒ.
    ďI did all right,Ē the drunk says with a smile.
    ďDid you know,Ē says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, ďthat a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?Ē
    ďOh, thank heavens,Ē sighs the drunk. ďI thought Iíd gone deaf.Ē

  18. #68
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    StayBack, I just wanted to say thanks--we can always count on you to start a thread that will make us all laugh.
    Jen, EMT-B
    "I got lost in thought...it was unfamiliar territory."
    "I love mankind--it's people I can't stand" --Linus

  19. #69
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Exclamation MY FIRST FIRE - NO KIDDING

    Did you know that my very first fire was a Jiffy pop fire?
    My first Hazmat was the dog diareaha in the living room.
    And my first medical aid was the heimlich on the dog after she ate a piece of pizza that was too big. (obviously)
    Anyways......I apologize for this brain fart but the Jiffy login name conjured it up! I need some sleep!!!

  20. #70
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    LOL... that's funny! Those jiffy pop things can be dangerous!
    I hear stuff about the jiffy nickname all the time but that's a new one.

    PS--you had to heimlich a dog????
    Jen, EMT-B
    "I got lost in thought...it was unfamiliar territory."
    "I love mankind--it's people I can't stand" --Linus

  21. #71
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Talking JIFFY 911

    I was trying to show my daughter how I use to pop popcorn with my grandmother. The bag never blew up.....so I turned up the flame and.....ooops...instant Jiffy pop fire. The poor child never wants to see Jiffy pop again. But, I remained calm, walked right over to the sink, and extinguished that bad boy. As an extra precaution, I emerged it overnight, underwater, for overhaul.
    As for the dog....well she's sixteen years old....she gets really excited over pizza....and the rest is the heimlich first medical response experience. Take care and God bless!

  22. #72
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    Default 24... I think ?

    24. If you start a flame war... don't be suprised when you get burned.
    25. Don't bother to ask questions about plea agreements, the defense lawyer wont answer anyway.
    26. If you offend someone apologize
    27. Read and learn.
    28. If you are questioned on a post, clarify...
    29. Respect other peoples opinions, you never know what you might learn.
    30. Don't give Kiwi alcohol, and then let him out with the sheep.
    31. Stayback and hfd66truck should be traffic and safety officers respectively

  23. #73
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    Talking Forrest Gump ??

    Hey...StayBack...it's true! You can't see the Forrest through the trees!

    Let's see...if I follow I-80 west for 2400 miles, turn left...and look for a firefighting nun and a dog on a shrimp boat, eating Jiffy Pop, answering to the name of kristen-something or other......yikes! Where's my map...let's see..there's the Golden Gate bridge...I must be close. What's that sign say?......Hana?

    I admit...I'm lost!
    Last edited by NJFFSA16; 05-31-2002 at 06:12 AM.
    Proudly serving as the IACOJ Minister of Information & Propoganda!
    Be Safe! Lookouts-Awareness-Communications-Escape Routes-Safety Zones

    *Gathering Crust Since 1968*
    On the web at www.section2wildfire.com

  24. #74
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Talking FOREST GUMP

    Sorry about that!!!! I guess it wasn't a good time for show and tell!!!

    A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
    Dear Son,
    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
    This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
    We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
    About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
    Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
    Love, Ma

    A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

  25. #75
    Sr. Information Officer
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    Thumbs up Re: The Letter

    Originally posted by stroutkristen
    A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son
    That one rates 4 stars!

    Proudly serving as the IACOJ Minister of Information & Propoganda!
    Be Safe! Lookouts-Awareness-Communications-Escape Routes-Safety Zones

    *Gathering Crust Since 1968*
    On the web at www.section2wildfire.com

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