1. #76
    Senior Member

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    Default On the up and up

    Stroutkristen,
    You forgot,
    His choo-choo is pulling a few empty boxcars.

  2. #77
    Sr. Information Officer
    NJFFSA16's Avatar
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    Talking

    Actually...they're empty hoppers WoooooohWOOOOOOOOh!
    *
    Proudly serving as the IACOJ Minister of Information & Propoganda!
    Be Safe! Lookouts-Awareness-Communications-Escape Routes-Safety Zones

    *Gathering Crust Since 1968*
    On the web at www.section2wildfire.com

  3. #78
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Talking A REALLY OLD DEFENSE

    You know what they say, "It takes one to know one!!!!".

  4. #79
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    Federal Aviation Agency
    800 Independence Avenue S.W.
    Washington D.C. 20591


    Dear Sirs;


    I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
    getting our airline industry back on its feet.

    Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we
    should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.


    Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
    woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying
    again in hope of seeing a naked woman.


    We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record
    sales.
    Now why didn't Congress think of this?


    Sincerely,
    Bill Clinton

  5. #80
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    There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
    engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
    of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could
    be wrong.
    The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
    and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
    The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the
    fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
    Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with
    a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
    open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

  6. #81
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    This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to
    McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and
    funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash.
    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
    whatever's
    available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in
    the first place.
    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
    severance
    package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
    notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
    intimate environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
    TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
    you have a car that runs?"
    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
    winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with
    a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest
    thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
    TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
    SIGN HERE: Aries.

  7. #82
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    WILD BILL'S LEGACY

    After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with
    a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE
    BUSHES.

    The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
    that you can get sex from Aides.

    Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything
    like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

    The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
    "Presidue."

    Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral
    Roberts, Ball State and Bringham Young.

    Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic seal from a
    donkey to a condom. It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.

    Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation -- they
    added an 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."

    Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and
    not one is his sister!

    Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortune teller who intoned,
    "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
    Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

  8. #83
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Talking AHHHH!!!! THE LIGHTER SIDE!!!!

    REFLECTIONS:
    1.The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content (yup,....that's me party animal...as you can tell)
    2.Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
    3.I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
    4.I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said, "Implants?"
    5.I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
    6.Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
    7.Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    8.I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
    9.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
    10.I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
    11.The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
    12.There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s…head's.
    13.If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
    14.I love being married.(MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M NOT) It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    15.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
    16.I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
    17.I married my husband for his looks ... but not the ones he's been giving me lately!
    18.Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
    19.Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salty.
    20.Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted cond...(could it be condiment?)
    21.If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
    22.Welcome To Sh.. Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
    23.How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
    24.Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    25.Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
    26.The next time you feel like complaining remember...Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
    27.Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
    28.We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. What makes life 100 percent?
    If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    can be represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
    Then, H A R D W O R K, 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% only
    K N O W L E D G E, 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% only
    But, A T T I T U D E, 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
    And, B U L L S . . T, 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
    So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, but attitude and bullsh..t will put you over the top. Except, maybe not in the fire service.

  9. #84
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    Well Diane sometimes big brother can be a good thing. Especially when big brother is on your side.

  10. #85
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    Default

    I originally shied away from this thread having seen six pages and determined I wasn't bored enough to read six pages of anything. Then I found myself so bored that I went through all six pages and read each of the posts. Then decided there really wasn't anything to say that hadn't been said and decided I needed to post just to let you all know I read all of this stuff.

    By the way, do you know why shepherds wear flowing robes?
    Michael "Mick" Mayers
    Acting Director, Urban Search and Rescue
    South Carolina Emergency Response Task Force
    www.sctf1.sc.gov

  11. #86
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    I usually just hide and watch, but this thread has been so much fun that I decided to "contribute"!

    Chief: Leaps short building with a single bound. Is more powerful than a ladder truck. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

    Assistant Chief: Leaps short building with a single bound. Is more powerful than a pumper. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if sea is calm. Talks with god.

    Deputy Chief: Leaps short building with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a pumper. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in indoor swimming pools. Talk with God if special request is approved.

    Engineer: Barely clears Quonset huts. Loses tug-of-war with pumper. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

    Captain: Makes high marks on buildings when trying to leap them. Is run over by a pumper. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles in swimming pools. Talks with animals.

    Lieutenant: Runs into buildings when trying to leap them. Recognizes pumpers two out of three times. Is not allowed to use guns. Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a life jacket. Talks to walls.

    Sergeant: Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Points and says, "look at the pretty fire engine". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.

    Firefighter: Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks fire engines and equipment out of his way. Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. He is God.

  12. #87
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    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Snowman, that was really great!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  13. #88
    StroutKristen
    Firehouse.com Guest

    Talking PLEASE DON'T SPANK ME FOR THIS!!!

    It's funny how religion works.

    At the start of a meeting of world religious leaders.
    A secretary rushed in shouting "The building is on fire!"
    The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
    The Baptists cried "Where is the water?"
    The Lutherans posted a fire notice on the door.
    The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
    The Jews held a special observance.
    The congregationalists shouted "Every man for himself!"
    The Fundalmentalists proclaimed "It's the vengeance of God!"
    The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
    The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
    The Unitarians proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
    The Presbyterians appointed a chair person to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
    The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
    And the Mormons arrived late for the meeting and missed the fire completely.

    Ohhhh!!!! I pray I didn't offend anyone! Firefighter 26, you can spank me on this one!!!!

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