1. #1
    Senior Member
    jiffy911's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    under the covers...ignoring the alarm clock!
    Posts
    172

    Default Things NOT to say...

    Got this in an e-mail just when I needed a good laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you guys too. Not trying to slam the law enforcement personnel that may be lurking around here, just a little good-natured humor. Feel free to add to the list.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

    I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
    Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
    Want to race to the station, Sparky?
    I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
    On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
    You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pu**y!
    Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
    How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
    Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
    I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
    Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
    Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
    Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
    I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
    Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
    You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
    "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
    I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
    You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
    Jeez, I wish you people would make up your mind! Yesterday you took my license away and now you expect me to show it to you?
    Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
    Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
    I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
    So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
    Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
    Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
    Aren't you one of the Village People?
    Jen, EMT-B
    "I got lost in thought...it was unfamiliar territory."
    "I love mankind--it's people I can't stand" --Linus

  2. #2
    Forum Member
    MOTOWN88's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    DETROIT
    Posts
    415

    Default

    What the hell are you talking about????? These pipes are stock all Harley' s have them.

    or

    A helmet????? You mean I actually have to wear that thing??? Do you know how hot it is out here????
    I.A.C.O.J IRISH TATTOOED-HOOLIGAN

    DETROIT FIRE FIGHTER AND PROUD!

  3. #3
    Forum Member
    DeputyChiefGonzo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Somewhere between genius and insanity!
    Posts
    13,584

    Default

    Perplexed Motorist: "why are you giving me a speeding ticket? Every year the wife and I go the the Policeman's ball..."

    Traffic cop: "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any balls...."

    PM: "AHA! I thought so!"
    ‎"The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
    Lt. Ray McCormack, FDNY

  4. #4
    Forum Member
    martinm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Northumberland, United Kingdom
    Posts
    1,156

    Default

    One for us from this side of the pond.

    "I say Officer. Does your head go all the way to the top of that helmet?"
    United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.

  5. #5
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    S.E. Idaho
    Posts
    915

    Default

    Officer: "You're eyes are red and bloodshot, have you been drinking?"
    Motorist: "You're eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

  6. #6
    MembersZone Subscriber
    killerb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Posts
    139

    Default

    How about this one?

    "I used to be a cop. I wanted to be a firefighter, but they wouldn't take me."
    Last edited by killerb; 07-17-2002 at 09:40 PM.
    Asst. Chief Bill

    International Order of the Fraternal Brotherhood of the Club

    Somewhere in or near north central Creek County, Oklahoma

  7. #7
    District Chief
    distchief60b's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2001
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    6,413

    Default

    Keep a box of Krispy Creme Donuts in the car...

    "Officer...I was on the way to deliver these to the police station. Wanted to make sure they were fresh...Since you have lights and siren perhaps you would take them for me?"
    09-11 .. 343 "All Gave Some..Some Gave ALL" God Bless..R.I.P.
    ------------------------------
    IACOJ Minister of Southern Comfort
    "Purple Hydrant" Recipient (3 Times)
    BMI Investigator
    ------------------------------
    The comments, opinions, and positions expressed here are mine. They are expressed respectfully, in the spirit of safety and progress. They do not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer or my department.

  8. #8
    Forum Member
    firemangeorge's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    266

    Default

    "Officer, could you take me drunk, I think I'm home again."
    See You At The Big One

  9. #9
    FIGJAM
    lutan1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2001
    Location
    I come from The Land Down Under!
    Posts
    1,833

    Default

    This is a true story, and on one hand we laughed, but on the other, I really felt it was the wrong thing to say!

    Before the new state-of-the-art Police station was built in our city, we used to get numerous power black outs. The old station had no back up generator so we used to get called to provide a bit of lighting for them.

    No problems from our end, it was something a little bit different.

    So there we were one night, we had just arrived and were in the process of setting up when we hear this almight banging and noise from inside the station and yelling, "We'll get you, you lieing little b@#$%^&d!" Then there was yelling, screaming and apologizing.

    It turns out, one of the "boys in blue" decided to play a joke on some poor unsuspecting crim in the lock up by banging on the walls and door threatening him. The poor guy in the lock up thought it was real! He thought they'd turned the power off in his cell and were going to beat the crap out of him!

    Apparantly he gave them no more grief for the remainder of the night!
    Luke

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Drewbo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 1999
    Location
    Looking for the Penguin that stole my beer.
    Posts
    186

    Talking Ha Ha

    Heard this one in Maxum, it went something like this:

    Officer pulles over a man and his wife speeding down the highway.

    "Excuse me Sir," The officer questions, "do you know you were doing 70 in a 55 zone?"

    "Really?" Asks the man, "But I had the cruise control set at 55."

    "You know this car doesn't have cruise control dear." States the Wife.

    The officer shakes his head in discust. "I noticed you're not wearing a seatbelt either sir."

    "Oh, I took it off after you pulled me over so I could reach my licence." the driver says.

    "Dear, you never wear your seatbelt." Interjects the wife.

    "Dang woman, would you shut your freaking mouth for once in you life." Shouts the husband.

    "The officer leans into the car and asks the woman, "Does he always treat you like this ma'm?"

    "No," starts the wife, "Only when he's been drinking"
    **************************
    ---NO RETREAT... NO SURRENDER---

    ______Look Ma'... No Hands______

  11. #11
    Temporarily/No Longer Active
    dfdex1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    1,037

    Default

    No officer - im not drunk, im just drinking.

  12. #12

    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    75

    Default

    before taking a breathilizer test motorist says to cop, "Uh, sir, you don't happen to have a beer do you. I usually do better on tests after i've had a little something to drink."

  13. #13
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Drifting on a raft in the Carribean Ocean listening to Buffet.
    Posts
    222

    Default

    These are a few I heard when I worked for a local police department:

    I can't go to jail, I'm the on call cardiac surgeon.

    I am not as think as you drunk I am.

    I can't take that test I'm not a rocketsurgeon.

    I wasn't speeding, but I passed a few people that were.

    Officer please don't take me to jail right now, the bars aren't closed yet. I promise I will call you later if you let me go. Then I will go to jail.

    Is a 0.32 bad? Heck I only had a couple.

  14. #14
    Member
    Iceman911's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    20

    Default

    A man buys a new Porsche and decides to take it from a spin down the Interstate. He keeps doesn't realize how fast he is going until he sees the flashing red lights and hears the siren of a state trooper behind him. He looks down and sees that he is going 120 mph.

    So the man thinks to him self, I have a fast new car. I can outrun the cop. So he floors the accelerator, then a mile down the road he realizes that running is from the police is a bad move on his part. He pulls to the side of the road.

    The trooper pulls up behind him and approaches his window. The trooper glares at him and says, "Look pal, it is near the end of my shift and I don't particularly feel like issuing a ticket right now. If you can give me an excuse I have never heard before, I'll let you off with a warning."

    The man looks at the trooper and says, "Yesterday my wife left me for a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.

    "Have a nice day, sir."
    Iceman, FF/AEMT-CC
    In Memory of our fallen brothers - September 11, 2001

  15. #15
    Forum Member
    EastKyFF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
    Posts
    3,088

    Default

    An elderly woman was speeding and got pulled over. "Do you realize how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

    "Eighty-five, but that's the speed limit," she answers.

    "Ma'am, that's not the speed limit. This is HIGHWAY 85," the officer answers.

    "Glad you didn't stop me on Highway 210," the old lady replies.

  16. #16
    Member
    Iceman911's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    20

    Default

    On a friday night, a state trooper hides his patrol car outside of a local tavern in the hopes of catching a DWI. After several mintues of watching the bar, he sees a man come stumbling out. The man falls down the steps of the bar and proceeds to crawl to his car. The trooper thinks, "This must be my lucky night."

    The man finally makes it to his car and fumbles with his keys for about 5 minutes. He is barely able to crawl into the driver's seat after finally opening the door. The trooper watches the car's headlights come on, then the wipers (even though it is not raining. Finally, the car is started. The car pulls out of the parking lot and begins weaving down the highway.

    The trooper pulls out behind the car and pulls it over. He approached the driver and asks for his licence and registration. The driver produces it for the trooper.

    Trooper: Had some drinks this evening, sir.

    Driver: No sir, I am stone cold sober.

    Trooper: Step out of the car, sir.

    The driver gets out of the car and performs a field sobriety test. He passes with flying colors. He also clears the breathalyzer.

    Trooper: I don't understand. You appeared very drunk.

    Driver: Thats because I'm the DD.

    Trooper: How can you be the designated driver when you are in the car alone?

    Driver: I'm the DD, sir. The designated decoy.
    Iceman, FF/AEMT-CC
    In Memory of our fallen brothers - September 11, 2001

  17. #17
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,837

    Default

    "What do you mean you're giving me a ticket for speeding 20 over, and a broken tail light? Didn't you see the way that I did that four-wheel power slide right square and centered in the parking slot? I didn't even squeal the tires this time. And you don't award points for finesse? Oh, but you are going to award me points for speeding and the tail light, and they will be charged to my licence fees at the end of the year... well that sucks."

    I guess this is a bad time to tell you that when you clocked me at 20 over, I was slowing down by then eh....

    The story above is a real event, however the conversation itself didn't really happen. Those thoughts were in my mind though, because I was real proud of the fact that I did do the power slide and the car did end up exactly centred square in the end slot. I didn't notice that there were TWO police cars behind me or that a third one was on route. Lucky for me #3 also happened to be an Officer friend of mine, who had recently retired from Military service. I walked away with a $100.00 fine for speeding and the broken tail light and a 24 hour suspension for "stupdity"....
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  18. #18
    Forum Member
    martinm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2001
    Location
    Northumberland, United Kingdom
    Posts
    1,156

    Default

    From my time in law enforcement...stopping a taxi driver.

    "What do you mean I was doing over 50, I always drive like this, gets the fare to where they want to go quicker. What do you mean I'm getting a ticket. I'm a taxi driver, you have to show consideration to taxi drivers". (unquote).

    Doh.
    United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

Log in

Click here to log in or register