Got this in an e-mail just when I needed a good laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you guys too. Not trying to slam the law enforcement personnel that may be lurking around here, just a little good-natured humor. Feel free to add to the list.
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pu**y!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Jeez, I wish you people would make up your mind! Yesterday you took my license away and now you expect me to show it to you?
Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
Aren't you one of the Village People?
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Results 1 to 18 of 18
Thread: Things NOT to say...
07-17-2002, 05:24 PM #1
Things NOT to say...Jen, EMT-B
"I got lost in thought...it was unfamiliar territory."
"I love mankind--it's people I can't stand" --Linus
07-17-2002, 05:32 PM #2
What the hell are you talking about????? These pipes are stock all Harley' s have them.
A helmet????? You mean I actually have to wear that thing??? Do you know how hot it is out here????I.A.C.O.J IRISH TATTOOED-HOOLIGAN
DETROIT FIRE FIGHTER AND PROUD!
07-17-2002, 05:41 PM #3
Perplexed Motorist: "why are you giving me a speeding ticket? Every year the wife and I go the the Policeman's ball..."
Traffic cop: "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any balls...."
PM: "AHA! I thought so!""The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
Lt. Ray McCormack, FDNY
07-17-2002, 06:49 PM #4
One for us from this side of the pond.
"I say Officer. Does your head go all the way to the top of that helmet?"United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.
07-17-2002, 07:19 PM #5
- Join Date
- Sep 2001
- S.E. Idaho
Officer: "You're eyes are red and bloodshot, have you been drinking?"
Motorist: "You're eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
07-17-2002, 10:36 PM #6
How about this one?
"I used to be a cop. I wanted to be a firefighter, but they wouldn't take me."
Last edited by killerb; 07-17-2002 at 10:40 PM.Asst. Chief Bill
International Order of the Fraternal Brotherhood of the Club
Somewhere in or near north central Creek County, Oklahoma
07-18-2002, 12:46 AM #7
Keep a box of Krispy Creme Donuts in the car...
"Officer...I was on the way to deliver these to the police station. Wanted to make sure they were fresh...Since you have lights and siren perhaps you would take them for me?"09-11 .. 343 "All Gave Some..Some Gave ALL" God Bless..R.I.P.
IACOJ Minister of Southern Comfort
"Purple Hydrant" Recipient (3 Times)
The comments, opinions, and positions expressed here are mine. They are expressed respectfully, in the spirit of safety and progress. They do not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer or my department.
07-19-2002, 12:45 AM #8
"Officer, could you take me drunk, I think I'm home again."See You At The Big One
07-19-2002, 05:58 AM #9
This is a true story, and on one hand we laughed, but on the other, I really felt it was the wrong thing to say!
Before the new state-of-the-art Police station was built in our city, we used to get numerous power black outs. The old station had no back up generator so we used to get called to provide a bit of lighting for them.
No problems from our end, it was something a little bit different.
So there we were one night, we had just arrived and were in the process of setting up when we hear this almight banging and noise from inside the station and yelling, "We'll get you, you lieing little b@#$%^&d!" Then there was yelling, screaming and apologizing.
It turns out, one of the "boys in blue" decided to play a joke on some poor unsuspecting crim in the lock up by banging on the walls and door threatening him. The poor guy in the lock up thought it was real! He thought they'd turned the power off in his cell and were going to beat the crap out of him!
Apparantly he gave them no more grief for the remainder of the night!Luke
07-19-2002, 06:47 PM #10
Heard this one in Maxum, it went something like this:
Officer pulles over a man and his wife speeding down the highway.
"Excuse me Sir," The officer questions, "do you know you were doing 70 in a 55 zone?"
"Really?" Asks the man, "But I had the cruise control set at 55."
"You know this car doesn't have cruise control dear." States the Wife.
The officer shakes his head in discust. "I noticed you're not wearing a seatbelt either sir."
"Oh, I took it off after you pulled me over so I could reach my licence." the driver says.
"Dear, you never wear your seatbelt." Interjects the wife.
"Dang woman, would you shut your freaking mouth for once in you life." Shouts the husband.
"The officer leans into the car and asks the woman, "Does he always treat you like this ma'm?"
"No," starts the wife, "Only when he's been drinking"**************************
---NO RETREAT... NO SURRENDER---
______Look Ma'... No Hands______
07-20-2002, 02:32 PM #11
No officer - im not drunk, im just drinking.
07-21-2002, 11:25 AM #12
- Join Date
- Jan 2002
- New Hampshire
before taking a breathilizer test motorist says to cop, "Uh, sir, you don't happen to have a beer do you. I usually do better on tests after i've had a little something to drink."
07-21-2002, 06:09 PM #13
- Join Date
- Aug 2000
- Drifting on a raft in the Carribean Ocean listening to Buffet.
These are a few I heard when I worked for a local police department:
I can't go to jail, I'm the on call cardiac surgeon.
I am not as think as you drunk I am.
I can't take that test I'm not a rocketsurgeon.
I wasn't speeding, but I passed a few people that were.
Officer please don't take me to jail right now, the bars aren't closed yet. I promise I will call you later if you let me go. Then I will go to jail.
Is a 0.32 bad? Heck I only had a couple.
07-24-2002, 11:37 AM #14
A man buys a new Porsche and decides to take it from a spin down the Interstate. He keeps doesn't realize how fast he is going until he sees the flashing red lights and hears the siren of a state trooper behind him. He looks down and sees that he is going 120 mph.
So the man thinks to him self, I have a fast new car. I can outrun the cop. So he floors the accelerator, then a mile down the road he realizes that running is from the police is a bad move on his part. He pulls to the side of the road.
The trooper pulls up behind him and approaches his window. The trooper glares at him and says, "Look pal, it is near the end of my shift and I don't particularly feel like issuing a ticket right now. If you can give me an excuse I have never heard before, I'll let you off with a warning."
The man looks at the trooper and says, "Yesterday my wife left me for a policeman. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.
"Have a nice day, sir."Iceman, FF/AEMT-CC
In Memory of our fallen brothers - September 11, 2001
07-25-2002, 03:20 PM #15
An elderly woman was speeding and got pulled over. "Do you realize how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"Eighty-five, but that's the speed limit," she answers.
"Ma'am, that's not the speed limit. This is HIGHWAY 85," the officer answers.
"Glad you didn't stop me on Highway 210," the old lady replies.
07-25-2002, 03:51 PM #16
On a friday night, a state trooper hides his patrol car outside of a local tavern in the hopes of catching a DWI. After several mintues of watching the bar, he sees a man come stumbling out. The man falls down the steps of the bar and proceeds to crawl to his car. The trooper thinks, "This must be my lucky night."
The man finally makes it to his car and fumbles with his keys for about 5 minutes. He is barely able to crawl into the driver's seat after finally opening the door. The trooper watches the car's headlights come on, then the wipers (even though it is not raining. Finally, the car is started. The car pulls out of the parking lot and begins weaving down the highway.
The trooper pulls out behind the car and pulls it over. He approached the driver and asks for his licence and registration. The driver produces it for the trooper.
Trooper: Had some drinks this evening, sir.
Driver: No sir, I am stone cold sober.
Trooper: Step out of the car, sir.
The driver gets out of the car and performs a field sobriety test. He passes with flying colors. He also clears the breathalyzer.
Trooper: I don't understand. You appeared very drunk.
Driver: Thats because I'm the DD.
Trooper: How can you be the designated driver when you are in the car alone?
Driver: I'm the DD, sir. The designated decoy.Iceman, FF/AEMT-CC
In Memory of our fallen brothers - September 11, 2001
07-25-2002, 05:04 PM #17
- Join Date
- Mar 2002
- Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
"What do you mean you're giving me a ticket for speeding 20 over, and a broken tail light? Didn't you see the way that I did that four-wheel power slide right square and centered in the parking slot? I didn't even squeal the tires this time. And you don't award points for finesse? Oh, but you are going to award me points for speeding and the tail light, and they will be charged to my licence fees at the end of the year... well that sucks."
I guess this is a bad time to tell you that when you clocked me at 20 over, I was slowing down by then eh....
The story above is a real event, however the conversation itself didn't really happen. Those thoughts were in my mind though, because I was real proud of the fact that I did do the power slide and the car did end up exactly centred square in the end slot. I didn't notice that there were TWO police cars behind me or that a third one was on route. Lucky for me #3 also happened to be an Officer friend of mine, who had recently retired from Military service. I walked away with a $100.00 fine for speeding and the broken tail light and a 24 hour suspension for "stupdity"....If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)
"I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD
"Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)
Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!
impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto
IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.
07-25-2002, 06:46 PM #18
From my time in law enforcement...stopping a taxi driver.
"What do you mean I was doing over 50, I always drive like this, gets the fare to where they want to go quicker. What do you mean I'm getting a ticket. I'm a taxi driver, you have to show consideration to taxi drivers". (unquote).
Doh.United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.
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