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  1. #1
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    Talking Here's One For Flying Kiwi!

    Hey Flying Kiwi, I heard this one today and couldn't resist posting it for you....

    Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three
    Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

    They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

    So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

    When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

    Luke


  2. #2
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    out of 12 on the Richter Scale.

    A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 100km/ph, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce".

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 120kms. She then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a lot better at sex than you." Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases.

    "I want the house," she insists, pushing her luck. Again the husband speeds up, now to 140kms.She says "I want the car too! " but he just keeps driving faster and faster. By now he's up to 160kms.

    "And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards" The husband starts to veer towards a large tree in the distance. This makes her a little nervous so she asks nervously "Isn't there anything you want dear?".

    The husband replies, "No, I've got everything I need darling" "Oh really," she says, "So what have you got?" Just before they smash into the large tree at 160kms, the husband smiles and says
    "The f****** airbag! "
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  3. #3
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    on the reichter scale!

    It was morning tea and three Kiwi sheep shearers were sitting against a fence when a flock of sheep walked by.
    "I wish that one was Miss Universe", said one.
    "I wish that one was Mister Universe", said another.
    "I wish it was dark", said the third...
    Luke

  4. #4
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    Still a

    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

    "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

    "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

    "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

    Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

    "That's his mistress," says her husband.

    "Ours is prettier," she replies
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  5. #5
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    only!

    A kiwi farmer was counting his sheep one day, "200, 201, 202, 203, 204, hello darling, 206, 207, 208..."
    Luke

  6. #6
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    slow day hu.

    Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Bud said, "Jeez I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

    Then phone rings... it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

    Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

    Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

    Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

    "Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

    "What's that?"

    "Have you farted yet?"

    "No....."

    "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in BRISBANE!"

    ___________________

    An Aussie lived on his own and he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet, a talking millipede. OK, thought the man, I'll give it a go, so he bought one and took it home.

    That night he decided to test out his new pet, so he opened the box and said, "I'm going to the pub for a drink, do you want to come too?" But there was no reply. He tried again, "Oi, millipede, wanna come to the boozer with me?" Again, no response.

    So the man ranted and raved for a bit, but after a while decided to give it one more try before he took the thing back to the shop. So he took the lid off the box and repeated, "I said I'm going to the pub for a drink do you want to come?"

    "For heavens sake, I heard you the first time!" snapped the millipede, "I'm just putting my bloody shoes on!!"
    Last edited by FlyingKiwi; 08-02-2002 at 05:19 PM.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  7. #7
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    Default 60 Minutes

    Jana Wendt is doing a story about the Indians for 60 Minutes and was being led across a reservation by a brave with one feather in his head dress.

    "Why do you have one feather in your head dress?", Jana asked.
    "Me brave. Me have one squaw. That why me have one feather in my head dress." he explained.

    Not beleiving this, when they got to the camp, Jana saw a brave with two feathers in his head dress. "Why do you have two feathers in your head dress?", she asked. "Me brave. Me have two squaws. That why me have two fethers in my head dress", he answered.

    Still not sure about this, she found the Chief with a head dress full of feathers. "Chief, why do you have a head dress full of feathers?" she asked. The Chief replied, "Me Chief. Me f*%k 'em all. That why me have head dress full of feathers!"

    Jana snapped back, "There's no need to be hostile about it!"
    "Horse style, wolf style, dog style. Me Chief. Me f*%k em all", he replied.

    "You should be hung for talking like that", Jana retorted. "F*%king oath me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake", the chief replied back.

    With that, Jana can't believe how hostile and unfriendly everyone is and begins to cry, shaking her head, saying to herself, "Oh dear, oh dear".

    "No deer. No f8%k deer. A#$holes too high, f*%kers run to fast!" the cheif replied....
    Luke

  8. #8
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    A new French foriegn legion captain was posted to a distant dessert outpost. Shortly after he arrived, his lt. gave him a tour of the fort. There was little water and the conditions were very poor. The last place they came to was a single stall barn where a rickety old female camel was kept.

    The captain asked, "Why do we keep a camel here, when we can barely keep enough water and food for ourselves."

    The lt. replied, "It's for the men, sir. There are no women here."

    The captain said, "That's disgusting. You'll never see me use the camel."

    The lt. replied, "Yes, sir."

    Months of isolation went by, and the captain grew more and more lonely for "close" companionship. Finally, he couldn't take not having his needs unmet any longer, broke down, and asked the lt. to take him to the camel. The lt. complied, and left the captain alone in the stall with the camel. After a short while, he emerged, rebuttoning his uniform. The captain snorted with disgust, "That was terrible. How in the name of France does she keep all the men satisfied?"

    The lt. replied, "Sir, the camel is for the men. They ride her into town where the women are."
    Proud to be honored with IACOJ membership. Blessed by TWO meals cooked by Cheffie - a true culinary goddess. Expressing my own views, not my organization's.

  9. #9
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want
    off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your *** in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember
    to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p#%@ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
    Luke

  10. #10
    Senior Member 90Truck's Avatar
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    Talking a man's steps to success with women!

    step one: find a woman who loves sex

    step two: find a woman who is a great cook

    step three: find a woman who makes good money

    step four: make sure these three women don't meet!!
    Matt G. Warminster Fire Dept. Station 90
    IAFF Local F-106

  11. #11
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    out of 10 on the scale, stroutkristen!

    I thought I was the only one related to the dude!!
    Luke

  12. #12
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
    He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron."

    The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

    Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
    to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

    The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
    "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

    By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
    The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

    Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."


    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

    Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
    You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

    The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not,
    since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a
    kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
    Luke

  13. #13
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    Kiwi? Kiwi? Anyone seen Kiwi?

    Come back and play- I've been enjoying this Kiwi.

    It's one of those forums/threads that's NOT negative that everyone seems so concerned about....
    Luke

  14. #14
    Forum Member PFire23's Avatar
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    Default hehehe

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.
    Because it is Soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own,SO DOES SHE!"
    To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.

    IACOJ-WOT proud

    GO WHITE SOX!!!!!

  15. #15
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    Arthur and Mavis had been good friends in the old peoples home for some time. To pass the time away at night, in front of the TV, Mavis used to place her hand on the groin of Arthur and hold him.

    This went on for many years, then suddenly Arthur didn't appear one night. The next night was the same deal- no Arthur. Arthur failed to show for a week and Mavis being a bit concerned, cornered Arthur in the lunch room, "Where have you been Arthur? I've been missing you at night."

    "Well Mavis, it's like this you see, I've been seeing Betty at night", Arthur replied.

    Feeling jelous and angry Mavis yelled, "And what do you and Betty do every night Arthur?"

    "She puts her hand on my crotch and holds me, just like you did Mavis, but she's better at it", Arthur retorted.

    "What makes here any better than me Arthur?"

    "Parkinsons, Mavis".
    Luke

  16. #16
    Senior Member DFDRev's Avatar
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    Dear Mom and Dad

    Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

    Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Kiwi got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

    We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Kiwi gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Kiwi said that a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

    Scoutmaster Kiwi is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

    This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Kiwi wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

    Scoutmaster Kiwi isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

    Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

    Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Kiwi said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover penguin. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

    I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters, and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

    Love, Max

    P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
    www.cafepress.com/firerev

  17. #17
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    Rev.



    ps. going to order one of these from the site

    Mind if I put the crest on the IACOJ patches site?

    gotta do a bit of work and upgrade that thing.
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    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  18. #18
    FIGJAM lutan1's Avatar
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    Unhappy The worst birthday...

    Two weeks ago it was my birthday. I didn't feel tto well that morning, but I knew that when I went to breakfast my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday". But she didn't even say good morning!

    I thought, that's wives for you. At least the children will remember. But the kids came in for breakfast and didn't say a word, so when I strated off for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondant.

    As I walked into the office, Janet said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." I immediately felt better because somebody remembered!

    About noon, she knocked on my door and said that it was such a lovely day we should go out to lunch. It was the best news I'd heard all day.

    We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, though. Janet said she new a little private place out in the country.

    We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to office, she said, "You know, it's such a lovely day, it would be such a shame to go back to the office."

    When I agreed, she said, "Let's go to my apartment and I'll fix you another martini."

    We did just that, in fact she fixed two martinis which put me in a very pleasant mood. Then she said, "Boss, seeing as though it's your birthday, and if you don't mind, I think I will go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." I assured her I didn't mind at all.

    She went into the bedroom and about 5 minutes later, she came out carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children, all singing Happy Birthday, and there I sat with nothing on excpet my socks....
    Luke

  19. #19
    Senior Member DFDRev's Avatar
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    Wink A true story...

    One day Kiwi and Lutan were building a house.

    Kiwi was up on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, look at the nail, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to pound it into the wood.

    Lutan noticed what Kiwi was doing and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

    Kiwi explained, "When I pull one out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed twoard me I thow it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it."

    Lutan got really exicted and yelled, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you - they're for the other side of the house!!"
    www.cafepress.com/firerev

  20. #20
    Forum Member Bones42's Avatar
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    1. Only in America.....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    5. Only in America.do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


    EVER WONDER ~~~~

    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

    ----------------
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

    On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

    On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

    On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

    On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

    On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

    On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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