1. #1
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    Default This is all getting too heavy for me

    Between the neverending thread on religion and the neverending thread on beer in the firehouse, I'm dying for some laughs. Ordinarily that's my duty--thought about having crescent decals made that say COMIC RELIEF--but I have a headache today.

    Won't someone come and be my humor ibuprofen?
    I am more than just a serious basketball fan. I am a life-long addict. I was addicted from birth, in fact, because I was born in Kentucky.
    ― Hunter S. Thompson

  2. #2
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    Default

    TOP 15 PET PEEVES OF MORTICIANS
    Copyright 1999 by Chris White The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com

    15) Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

    14) No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

    13) Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.

    12) Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

    11) Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!

    10) Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."

    9) Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

    8) Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

    7) Toe tag paper cuts.

    6) The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

    5) Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."

    4) Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

    3) At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

    2) Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

    1) Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
    Take Care - Stay Safe - God Bless
    Stephen
    FF/Paramedic
    Instructor

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    Default

    SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN

    * By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

    * Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.

    * Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

    * References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.

    * Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

    * Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

    * Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

    * Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

    * Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

    * Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

    * Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

    * More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

    * Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

    * A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

    * Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

    * Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

    * Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world.

    * All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
    Take Care - Stay Safe - God Bless
    Stephen
    FF/Paramedic
    Instructor

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    Not sure if it will help, but here goes...

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife.

    "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!"

    "Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our trip and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

    The man does as he is told. He gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello! Are you still
    there?" "Yes," comes the answer.

    "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," the drunk replies.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  5. #5
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    Default

    Let's try this:

    Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.
    Ezekiel 25:17/Jules/Pulp Fiction

    If that doesn't work:

    A Priest, a Rabbi and a Fireman walk into a bar....

    just for fun, each post adds one sentence to this joke. Let's see where it goes.

  6. #6
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    Default

    Excuse me for butting in LT. I am gearing up for the 1,000th post so heres one for ya.

    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF EMERGENCY VEHICLE OPERATION

    1. Thou shalt treat thy pumper as though it were your firstborn child.

    2. Blow thy siren and shine thy light with great vigor enroute.

    3. Know where thy goest at all times.

    4. Be certain all those in attendance are affixed prior to venturing forth.

    5. Thou shalt arriveth shiny side up.

    6. Be ever so humble when thy mike is keyed.

    7. Thou shalt not leave thy station 'til thy door is openeth.

    8. Thou shalt not closeth thy bay door too soon.

    9. Thou shalt closeth all compartment doors when thou art done.

    10. Thou shalt never chastise thy driver for making a wrong turn when it results in a Return to Quarters.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Wink The faster you go, the thinner the rig gets...

    Country girl walks into the doctors surgery and says, "Doctor, I think I forgot to take by contradictive pill".

    The doctor replies, "My dear, I think your ignorant".

    To wich the girl replies, "Of course I am, 10 weeks now".
    United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.

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    5. Thou shalt arriveth shiny side up.

    In Air Force circles this is often referred to as "Check gear down"

    Here is another one for y'all....

    CONFOUNDED SEX

    A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered,

    "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  9. #9
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    Default

    rather remodel the kitchen....
    Dyin' over here...heh heh...
    Okay, here we go:

    Man driving down the highway in New Mexico, after doing some shopping, stops to pick up a guy needing a ride...turns out the guy is a Navajo.

    After exchanging the pleasantries, the ride is cloaked in silence, as is the Navajo way......finally, the Navajo looks down at the liquor store bag and asks" What you have in the bag?"

    "Oh", the driver replied, "that's an expensive bottle of wine, bottled in 1957, it's a really delicate blend that I got for my wife".

    "Humph", says the Navajo.

    After another five minutes or so, the Navajo speaks to him again,

    "Good trade", he says.


    Hope this helps, bro.

    Peace
    Oklahoma Bound!

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    Default

    Come on people, admit it. I'm not the only one that searched for the "World of Coffins" website, now am I?

    Well, didn't find the "World of Coffins" but I did find this little jewel:

    Cardboard Coffins

    Make sure you look under "Styles". My favorite quote? Easily:

    "Our ecologically friendly, biodegradable coffin can be stored in sheds, garages lofts etc."

    What a deal!!
    Bryan Beall
    Silver City, Oklahoma USA

  11. #11
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    Default SC4

    You need help.....
    Oklahoma Bound!

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    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

    "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

    {She must have been from the South...???}
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  13. #13
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    Cool Firefighter's Top 10

    The Top 10 Things Firefighters
    Say To The Owner of a House on Fire
    ------------------------------------------------
    10) "You been playing with matches again?"
    9) "Sorry we're late but we couldn't find that damn Dalmation."
    8) "Hot enough for ya?"
    7) "If you want, we can help this spread to your neighbor's house."
    6) "Did you Stop,Drop and Roll?...If not, you better get your *** back in there and do it right!"
    5) "That blaze would make one hell of a marshmallow roast."
    4) "Based on this sir, I'd say your son is DEFINITELY a pyromaniac."
    3) "The religious right just called...can they use what's left of your house for a bookburning?"
    2) "I know its not much compared to losing everything but I'll let you ring the siren once before we leave."
    1) "What was that catchy Talkin' Heads song.."Burnin' Down the...Oh,sorry."

  14. #14
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    Default TEST ANYONE ?

    Thought you might like to take a little test.





    Multiple Choice Test
    (No cheating.......)



    Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test. (The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened. Do you remember?)


    START NOW


    1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
    a. Olga Korbut
    b. Sitting Bull
    c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
    a. Lost Norwegians
    b. Elvis
    c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    3. During the 1980's, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
    a. John Dillinger
    b. The King of Sweden
    c. The Boy Scouts
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
    a. A pizza delivery boy
    b. Pee Wee Herman
    c. Geraldo Rivera
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

    5. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
    a. The Smurfs
    b. Davy Jones
    c. The Little Mermaid
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    6. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
    a. Captain Kidd
    b. Charles Lindbergh
    c. Mother Teresa
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
    a. Scooby Doo
    b. The Tooth Fairy
    c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    8. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
    a. Richard Simmons
    b. Grandma Moses
    c. Michael Jordan
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
    a. Mr. Rogers
    b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
    c. The World Wrestling Federation
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
    a. Bugs Bunny, Wile E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
    b. The Supreme Court of Florida
    c. Mr. Bean
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    11. In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
    a. Enron
    b. The Lutheran Church
    c. The NFL
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40



    12. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
    a. Bonnie and Clyde
    b. Captain Kangaroo
    c. Billy Graham
    d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40


    Nope, ......I really don't see a pattern here to justify racial profiling, do you?





    So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper
    identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors.
    IACOJ Membership 2002
    {15}

    Mike IAFF

    The beatings will continue until the morale improves

  15. #15
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    Default Blond jokes

    Two friends, a blonde and redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

    Redhead sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

    The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, " You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

    The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

    The blonde then say's why don't you just put them in a vase
    Last edited by Ltmdepas3280; 11-14-2002 at 10:28 PM.
    IACOJ Membership 2002
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    Mike IAFF

    The beatings will continue until the morale improves

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    Living the dream...

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    Wink

    Vote early and often!
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Living the dream...

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    Default 25 Signs you are Living in the year 2002

    Glenn sent this to me via email:

    ---------------------------------

    25 Signs you are Living in the year 2002

    1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

    3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

    4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

    5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

    6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

    7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

    8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

    9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

    10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

    11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

    12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

    13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

    14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

    15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

    16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

    17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

    18. You get most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

    19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

    20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, asif you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

    22. You wake up at 2 A.M. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.

    23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

    24. You're reading this.

    25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
    IACOJ Agitator
    Fightin' Da Man Since '78!

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    Two blondes are walking down the street when one finds a make-up compact on the ground. She opens it and says, "Gee this girl looks familiar..." The second blonde grabs it, looks and says, "Of course she does. That's a picture of me, dumb*****."

  20. #20
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    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stealing sweet corn out of a farmer's field when the farmer happens by and catches them. He chases them into a big barn where they run up into the hay loft. The girls find some empty burlap bags and each jump in one.

    Farmer charges up the stairs to the loft and finds nothing but these three bags. He cautiously walks over and kicks the first one. The brunette inside says, "MEEEWWWW!! MEEWWWW! MMMEEEEEEWWW!" The farmer says, "Oh, that's just a sack full of kittens...."

    He kicks the second one, the one with the redhead inside. She yells, "YIPE YIPE YIPE!!!!" The farmer says, "Drat! That's just a sack full of puppies."

    He goes to the third bag (the one with the blonde, of course) and gives a little kick. And the blonde inside yells,




    "POTATOES!!!"


    uufff.
    Last edited by jaybird210; 11-15-2002 at 01:28 PM.

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    Default Since y'all opened up the blonde jokes.....

    One of MY favorites follows:

    Blondie calls the local fire department to report a blaze. "Like, OhmyGOD, my neighbors house is burning down! Help us quick!"

    "okay, calm down" says the firefighter, "how do we get there?"

    After a pause, blondie replies "Duh, big red fire truck?!"

    Oklahoma Bound!

  22. #22
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    Default Yeah, I hurt...but it's a GOOD hurt!

    Everybody's got me laughing my head off. Youse is all good people.

    I just got a hilarious one from a buddy, but it's a PowerPoint thing that can't be posted here. I'd be glad to e-mail to anyone who'd PM me their address. SilverCity4, it's already hummin' comin' at you.

    Now, everyone has forgotten the good lieutenant's joke except me.

    A priest, a rabbi, and a fireman walk into a bar. Each is shocked to see the others order a drink.

    The priest says, "I'm Catholic, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still hear confession."

    The fireman says, "I'm cdevoe, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still go fight fire."

    The rabbi says, "I'm your new rabbi, cdevoe, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still do your bris (sp?) in thirty minutes."

    (If you don't get it--and it ain't all that funny anyway--read the thread linked below.)

    http://cms.firehouse.com/forums2/sho...threadid=42926
    I am more than just a serious basketball fan. I am a life-long addict. I was addicted from birth, in fact, because I was born in Kentucky.
    ― Hunter S. Thompson

  23. #23
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    Default

    A priest, a rabbi, and a fireman walk into a bar...

    ...fortunately, the fireman was wearing his helmet.

    Bryan Beall
    Silver City, Oklahoma USA

  24. #24
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    Default

    Rimshot for SilverCity4!

    And fortunately, the rabbi was wearing his yarmulke, and the priest was wearing one of those great big pointy hats that he borrowed from the Pope.

    (Lightning bolts, spare me...all in good fun, no blasphemy intended...)
    I am more than just a serious basketball fan. I am a life-long addict. I was addicted from birth, in fact, because I was born in Kentucky.
    ― Hunter S. Thompson

  25. #25
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    Default

    The fireman says, "I'm cdevoe, and I know my limits, so I can drink and still go fight fire."
    hehehe... priceless

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