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  1. #1
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    Default Overview of French Military History

    The Complete Military History of France

    - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
    of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

    - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic
    teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;
    "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

    - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
    lose two wars when fighting Italians.

    - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

    - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
    to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
    participants started ignoring her.

    - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
    chapeaux.

    - The Dutch War - Tied

    - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
    Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
    the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

    - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
    first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

    - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
    Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
    more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
    Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when
    America does most of the fighting."

    - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
    also French.

    - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
    due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
    footwear designer.

    - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy
    to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

    - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
    States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep
    with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
    use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
    bloodline.

    - World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
    Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

    - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
    the Dien Bien Flu

    - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
    by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
    Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
    identical
    to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch,
    Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

    - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
    to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
    ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

    The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
    be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France
    collapses?"

    ============================== ============================== ========
    In case you missed it, a letter-to-the-editor in this morning's Wall Street
    Journal put a wonderful slant on the state of our present relationship with
    the French:

    "God bless France! She's always there when she needs us".

    Norman Bein, M.D.
    Bluefield, VA
    Proud to be honored with IACOJ membership. Blessed by TWO meals cooked by Cheffie - a true culinary goddess. Expressing my own views, not my organization's.


  2. #2
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    Default An Animal Fable:

    THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

    Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest,
    there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
    By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
    birth.

    One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and
    the snake was slithering through the forest, when the
    bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of
    course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

    "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I
    didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth,
    so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm
    also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

    "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my
    story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been
    blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
    you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work
    out what you are, so at least you'll have that going
    for you."

    "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So
    the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
    "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
    long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
    cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny
    rabbit."

    "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in
    obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
    "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help
    you the same way that you've helped me."

    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
    "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a
    forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you
    must be French".
    Proud to be honored with IACOJ membership. Blessed by TWO meals cooked by Cheffie - a true culinary goddess. Expressing my own views, not my organization's.

  3. #3
    Forum Member Firegod343's Avatar
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    Default Ohiovolffemtp...

    That first post is downright one of the funniest things I've ever read. It sounds like it's straight out of Dave Barry.

    The other night Jay Leno had a good one.....

    He said that France had instituted a terror alert system much like the United States.... the only difference was that all their warning status colors were YELLOW.

    FG
    IACOJ.... "Carpe Elkhartem"
    (Seize the Nozzle)


    "Victorious warriors win first,
    and then go to war,
    while defeated warriors go to war first,
    and then seek to win."

    SUN TZU

  4. #4
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Angry

    U.S. bombers strike at Libyaís author of terrorism, dividing Europe and threatening a rash of retaliations

    April 28, 1986

    The U.S. launched its bombers out of a grim conviction that ruthless attacks on Americans and the citizens of many other countries will never let up until terrorists and the states that sponsor them are made to pay a price in kind. In his televised address following the raid, the President asserted that the air strike "will not only diminish Colonel Gaddafi's capacity to export terror, it will provide him with incentives and reasons to alter his criminal behavior." That argument won the support of only three U.S. allies: Britain, which gave permission for the F-111s to use English bases, Canada and Israel. All the others at minimum counseled against a raid; France went further, vexing U.S. opinion by refusing to let the F-111s fly over their territory. That forced the bombers to take a circuitous route that added 2,400 nautical miles to their 5,600-mile round trip.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  5. #5
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    Talking OK I'll jump in here too

    How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

    None, it's never been done before.
    FTM-PTB-DTRT

  6. #6
    Truckie SPFDRum's Avatar
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    Default

    TrojanHorse, lighten up pally. I'm not sure what they are talking about in your firehouse, but is a fairly common topic in ours.
    My posts reflect my views and opinions, not the organization I work for or my IAFF local. Some of which they may not agree. I.A.C.O.J. member
    "I ask, Sir, what is the militia? It is the whole people. To disarm the people is the best and most effectual way to enslave them."
    George Mason
    Co-author of the Second Amendment
    during Virginia's Convention to Ratify the Constitution, 1788
    Elevator Rescue Information

  7. #7
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    Default

    Not mine, but from another Website, all of these are so true!


    To Hell With Iraq, Let's Bomb France!

    I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."----General George S. Patton
    ****************************** *************
    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."----Jacques Chirac, President of France
    "As far as France is concerned, you're right."----Rush Limbaugh
    ****************************** *************
    "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."----Regis Philbin
    ****************************** *************
    "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940's who is till trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."---- Senator John McCain
    ****************************** *************
    "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans our of France."----Jay Leno
    ****************************** *************
    "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.----David Letterman
    ****************************** *************
    Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France

    The 10,943 Americans buried at Normandy are part of the more than 60,000 Americans who died in France in two world wars to PROTECT THE FRENCH.

  8. #8
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    Default

    I heard France has outlawed fireworks. Seems that Disney World (or Land) France set off a big fireworks show and 6,000 French soldiers surrendered.



    www.gvfd.org

  9. #9
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    Default

    the french havent truly been warriors since they exiled Napolian
    anyone disagree
    FireSarge
    Joseph Sullivan
    Ohio

    "Any man willing to die in my place is my brother. Any man willing to turn and run is my enemy. Which will you be?"

  10. #10
    Forum Member Smoke20286's Avatar
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    Default

    While you may have a legitimate beef with the french at the moment, your knowlege of Military History is somewhat blurry

  11. #11
    MembersZone Subscriber KLMR23's Avatar
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    Default Sad but True?

    LAST TANGO IN PARIS?
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    TUTUM TE ROBORE REDDAM
    **********
    In Valor, There Is Hope.

  12. #12
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    Default

    no Bonaparte and Joan of Arc were the only sucessful military leaders of france


    and yes that is somewhat sketchy on history cuz it makes 3 or for wars rolled into one

    and most of the wars they came to a standstill in them

    but in most they eventually lost
    FireSarge
    Joseph Sullivan
    Ohio

    "Any man willing to die in my place is my brother. Any man willing to turn and run is my enemy. Which will you be?"

  13. #13
    Forum Member Smoke20286's Avatar
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    Default

    Joan of Arc was burned at the stake and Napolean was poisened while in exile

  14. #14
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    Default

    And neither of them were French.

  15. #15
    Forum Member Fire304's Avatar
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    Going to war without the French is a little like going hunting and forgetting to take your accordian.
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  16. #16
    Forum Member Smoke20286's Avatar
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    Default

    Actually Napolean was Corsican

  17. #17
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    true neither french leaders were french

    but then again the french killed or sent away all true military leaders and became splittail yellow chickens
    FireSarge
    Joseph Sullivan
    Ohio

    "Any man willing to die in my place is my brother. Any man willing to turn and run is my enemy. Which will you be?"

  18. #18
    IACOJ Agitator Adze39's Avatar
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    Default

    Originally posted by CollegeBuff
    And neither of them were French.
    Which ties into the first post:

    The First Rule of French Warfare;
    "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
    IACOJ Agitator
    Fightin' Da Man Since '78!

  19. #19
    Forum Member Fire304's Avatar
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    Default

    Originally posted by CollegeBuff
    And neither of them were French.
    While I agree Napolien was not french, Joan was.

    Found this on a brief search at Google...

    "Saint Joan was born on January 6, 1412, in the village of Domremy to Jacques and Isabelle d'Arc. Joan was the youngest of their five children. While growing up among the fields and pastures of her village, she was called Jeannette but when she entered into her mission, her name was changed to Jeanne, la Pucelle, or Joan, the Maid."


    The village mentioned is in France.

    But the rule still holds, she was a frenchwoman, not a frenchman!
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  20. #20
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    Default

    Ello from Paris! I ave to disagree with most of you. If it were not for the French liberating youz from the British colonists............!! You ave much to thank us for.

    Jack.

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