The Onion presents:
Fire Safety & Prevention Tips
Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death. Here are some helpful fire safety and prevention tips:
If your smoke detector is beeping periodically, replace the batteries as soon as you get around to it.
Be sure to keep your gasoline-soaked rags nailed to a wall, safely out of children's reach.
There are two kinds of fire that should never be put out with water. I'm pretty sure one of them is a grease fire.
When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.
Assist firefighters racing to the scene of a blaze by lighting a series of smaller "marker fires" along their path.
If you have children, warn them never to play with matches, because a fire could break out and Sparky The Big Friendly Fire Dog would have to visit the house in his big red truck and give them rides while the firemen put out the fire with water hoses.
Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.
Before using a fire extinguisher to put out a rapidly spreading fire, be sure to thoroughly read the instructions printed on the side, marking key information with a highlighter pen.
Space heaters are a serious fire hazard and should never be used. (This tip courtesy of your mother.)
Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to non-metaphorical fires.
Many schools give out bright, reflective stickers for children's bedroom windows to alert firefighters. Buy as many of these stickers as you can from neighborhood schoolchildren for your own window.
Every month, check to see that smoke detectors are working by leaving a Tombstone frozen pizza in the oven for 300 minutes.
Do not try to outrun fire, because it's much too fast. Wait, no, that's bears.
Firefighters are heroes who perform a vital community service. Stay out of their way when they're working and offer yourself to them sexually when they're not.
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05-28-2003, 01:49 AM #1
- Join Date
- Dec 2000
Fire Safety Tips from theonion.comFTM-PTB-DTRT
05-28-2003, 10:09 AM #2
- Join Date
- Jun 2000
- 911 N. Sycamore St. Yep, that's really our address.
Everyone should realize The Onion is a tounge-in-cheek publication and should take that with a grain of salt.
Except the last tip. That one was dead-on serious. Beautiful line.Omnis Cedo Domus
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