Thread: Jokes

  1. #51
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    Buy her a drink....


    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
    She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down
    at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on
    the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
    Once again, the same little owl-eyed drunk slapped his money down on
    the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink!
    The bartender approached the little owl-eyed drunk and said, "I
    say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
    drin! k, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has
    to be a ballerina!"
    *The BOSS rules*

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    He Had Never Seen Her Naked

    A man and a woman were dating.
    She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
    One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
    "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.
    For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
    He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
    He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
    At 60 off came the pants.
    At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
    Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get hlep," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
    The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
    "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
    So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
    Along came a truck driver.
    Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story."My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
    The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:
    "Ma'am, if he's in that far,
    I'm afraid he'a a goner!"
    *The BOSS rules*

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    Default Joke?

    A young "geezer" rather the worst for drink-like absolutely "Brahms and Liszt" pulls this rather large (read enormous) bird in a boozer. They get outside in the car park-she's willing and he is past worrying-they get down between two cars and start doing what Adam and Eve invented. She says to him" I hope you've taken precautions?"
    He replied "Sure have I've tied my feet to that Land Rover over there!"
    "If you thought it was hard getting into the job--wait until you have to hang the "fire gear"up and walk away!"
    Harry Lauder 1981.Me on the left!

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    Default The Rabbi And The Flood

    An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is expected, and evacuation is recommended.
    The rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger."
    The policeman shrugs his shoulders and leaves.
    As the rabbi is watching the rising water getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this time a State Trooper. The trooper says, "Rabbi, we are evacuating the area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy."
    Again the rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger. I am staying."
    Well, the water continues to rise, until the rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor. He hears some yelling and looks up to see two firemen in a rowboat right outside his second floor window.
    "Rabbi!" one of the firemen calls, "Get in the boat, the rains are not letting up! It's getting serious."
    "I am a man of God. He will protect me from danger. I'll stay."
    The firemen, fearing for their own safety, row on.
    As the flood rises, the rabbi is forced to climb out onto his roof, just as a helicopter is flying over. The helicopter drops a rope ladder and a voice calls down, "We're coming to get you, rabbi!"
    "No, no.... God will protect me. You go on."
    Well, needless to say, the water continues to rise and the rabbi drowns. When he gets to Heaven, he is really upset. "I must see God," says the rabbi. "Please take me to God."
    He is granted an audience with God.
    "Lord," says the rabbi, "after a lifetime of devotion to you, why would you forsake me in my moment of need?"
    God says, "You schmuck, I sent two cops, a rowboat full of firemen, and a helicopter...."
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Review of Public School Jokes

    Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

    "Johnny, what is your problem?"

    Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.

    My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

    The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

    He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

    "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir."

    "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

    The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade!

    He seems smart enough. " Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

    The principal and Johnny both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
    of?" Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

    "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
    "OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."

    "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

    "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The
    principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

    "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

    "Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?

    First one.

    You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do.

    "Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

    "OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. " The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

    But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

    "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

    I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver.
    “Arrow."

    "Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck, Ma'am!"

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
    "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

    Enjoy your day, you dirty minded people.
    Last edited by RspctFrmCalgary; 10-05-2003 at 06:54 AM.
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    NOW THAT IS GOOD!!!
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Thought you'd like that one
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    BE FRUITFUL


    Woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

    She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

    But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. At last, she finally died.

    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

    "In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

    Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

    The neighbor replied "I think he means her legs."
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    HAHAHAHA!!!!!
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    LOL, that one is funny Sheri.
    No longer an explorer, but I didn't wanna lose my posts.

    IACOJ 2003

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    Default ok....I hope I don't offend anyone..

    I've been reading these for about an hour and am laughing my butt off, here. I'd like to add a little to the list, so bare with me!



    Two families from Iraq immigrate to the US. Both heads of the families make a deal to go off and start a life, and meet back up in a year's time to see how the other is doing, and who Americanizes themselves best.

    After a year, they both meet up, and one man says to the other "Well, I just got done dropping my young son off at Baseball practice..I drive a Chevy, you know. Then I took the rest of my family to McDonalds and we're headed out to a NASCAR race later on today. How are you doing?"

    The other man looks at him and says, "Screw off, towel head."

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    Default Old Bobbit joke....

    Everyone remember Lorenna Bobbit? Cut her husbands penis off with a butcher knife? Then she drove off with it and flung it out the window...

    ...two rednecks coming in the opposite direction. The penis hit the windshield with a *splotch!* and slid down. One guy says to the other "Damn! Did you see the size of the d*ck on that mosquito?!?"


    ((btw, she's married to a russian hockey player now. Her full name is Lorenna Bobbit-Kutyercokoff))

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    This fireman is on a plane (hey, it's a fireman forum!) and he's sitting next to this old man who's sleeping. After a little while he feels the *wonderful* airline lunch coming back up on him. He looks around for a bag real quick and calls for the flight attendant but it's too late, he tosses his cookies. Not only that, but he does so right in the lap of the guy beside him. The old man wakes up all of a sudden and the FM thinks quick and says to him "You feel better now, sir?"

    ____________________


    Same FM on the plane trip back home. Sitting next to a Texan this time. They strike up a conversation and the Texan asks him where he's from. FM says "I'm from Oregon."

    "Oregan, huh?" says the Texan. "You got any land up there, boy?"

    "Yessir...3 acres."

    "3 acres? Ha! Boy, I can get in my truck and drive for 4 days and I still wouldn't be at the end of my land!"

    "No kidding?" says the FM. "I used to have a truck like that."

    ____________________

    There's a guy that hunts every year. Every year he goes off to other states and other places to hunt. One year he tells his wife he's going up to Canada to hunt. The wife hasn't ever been there and says "Well, I want to go to! I bought a rifle last season but didn't get to use it, I want to go hunt with you in Canada."

    Well, after a little bit of back and forth the guy gives in and takes his wife along with. They get up in Ontario and find a spot. The man drops his wife off and says "Ok, I'm going to go about a mile ahead. If I hear anything I'll come back right away."

    He drives ahead, stops, and before he can get settled he hears *BOOM!*. Surprised, he gets back in the truck and drives back to find his wife arguing with a policeman.

    "Look! This is my first year hunting and I shot that deer and it's coming home with me!"

    The policeman says "Lady, you can't have it."

    "I don't know what your problem is," the wife is shouting, "but I killed that deer and it's coming home with me!"

    The policeman again, calmy, says "Lady, you can't have this deer."

    The wife gets mad and points the rifle at the cop.

    Finally the RCMP says "Alright, fine! You can have him. Just let me get my saddle off him first."

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    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Default Report a FIRE

    A blonde calls this rural fire department all excited. She says, "Come quick my house is on fire, my house is on fire." The dispatcher says, "Calm down now just tell us how to get there." She says, "Oh, don't you have that big red truck anymore?"
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Bud works hard at the station and spends most few days off bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

    His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Bud! How ya doin?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

    "Oh no," says Bud. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bud if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bud,
    starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Budsy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    Bud's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Bud follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

    Bud tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

    The cabby turns his head and says,

    "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Bud."
    Last edited by CCVFD952; 10-17-2003 at 04:00 PM.

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    my turn I guess.
    Larry and Bob were out in the woods huunting when Larry catches a pain and has to go relieve himself. After a little while Larry calls out to Bob and asks if he has any toliet paper, Bob replies no and procedess to tell Larry to use some leaves. Larry looks all around him and the only thing he can see is poision ivey so he shouts back to Bob with his findings. Flustered by now Bob tells him to just use a dollar. A little while later Larry hobbles out from behind the tree with his fingers covered in crap and an angry look on his face. Larry looks at Bob and says thanks a lot, now not only do i have crap on my finges but I have 4 quarters stuck in my *****.

    Why do women fake orgasms?
    Who cares.

    How's a woman like a box of chicken?
    After the legs, breasts, and thighs you have nothing but a greasy box to stick your bone in.

    This one will probably **** of the Catholics and send me straight to hell but here goes anyway.

    One evening while sweeping the church, the janitor passes by the confessional. The priest pops his head out and whispers, excuse me sir, I need you to do me a huge favor. The janitor always eager to please says sure father anything I can do to help. The preist explains how he has caught a pain and has to run to the bathroom, and he needs the janitor to take his place in the confessional for a few minutes. The janitor is understandably hesitant and says I cant do it father I dont even know what to do. The priest explains that there is nothing to worry about because he has a list posted inside with the sins and the pennance each one rates. The janitor is still uneasy about it but does it anyway, so the priest runs to the bathroom and the janitor gets in the confessional. A minute later a pretty young lady enters the confessional and after the standard forgive me father for I have sinned line, she tells him that she has given a man a blow job. The janitor looks up and down his list and doest see that sin anywhere on it. About this time an alter boy walks by and the janitor pokes his head out and says to the alter boy, "excuse me son but what does the priest usually give for a blow job?" the boy quickly replies "2 candy bars and a coke"

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    HAHAHA! thats funny
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    Originally posted by WannabeintheFD
    HAHAHA! thats funny

    No, thats just sick.
    No longer an explorer, but I didn't wanna lose my posts.

    IACOJ 2003

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    Talking a girls night out

    This is how FireFighters get a bad wrap??!!

    Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that.



    After the girls did their business they continued the walk home. The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties."


    "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ***** that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'."

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    (delete edit delete) I dont know any I can write without
    getting a purple hydrant

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    Thumbs up

    kfd209
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
    All the typical answers came up---fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

    Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good he'll go out to the alley with some guys and makes love with them for money. "

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him,
    "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said Johnny, "he plays for the Boston Red Sox, but I was too
    embarrassed to say so."
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Why do golfers where two pairs of socks?
    In case they get a HOLE IN ONE.......
    Sorry, I just had to be that guy

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    Talking A clean one for the kiddies

    Five pigs walked into a restaurant to eat supper.

    The first pig ordered every appetizer on the menu. He shared the snacks with his buddies, but one pig refused and ordered a pitcher of water and drank it.

    The second pig ordered every variety of salad on the menu. He shared the salads with his buddies, but the one pig just ordered another pitcher of water and drank it.

    The third pig ordered every dinner on the menu. He shared the food with his buddies, but the one pig ordered yet another pitcher of water and drank it.

    The fourth pig ordered every dessert on the menu. He shared his sweets with his buddies, but again, the lone pig ordered still another pitcher of water and drank it.

    The waiter thought this was all very strange, so he asked the thirsty pig why he was drinking so much.

    The little piggie replied, "Well one of us has to go wee wee wee all the way home!"
    ullrichk
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    perfesser

    a ship in a harbor is safe. . . but that's not what ships are for

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