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Thread: Jokes

  1. #41
    Forum Member backdraft663's Avatar
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    This isnt really a joke But I got it in an Email the other day.





    Those of us who grew up in a small town will laugh when we read this.
    Those of
    you who didn't will be in disbelief... but trust me every one of
    these are true.

    1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

    2) You know what 4-H is.

    3) You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the
    middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted, see #6.

    4) You used to "drag" main.

    5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.

    6) You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police
    officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones
    wouldn't.

    7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew
    how old you were (and if you were old enough they'd tell your parents
    anyhow).

    8) When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy
    cigarettes, you
    still had to go out into the country and drive on back roads to smoke
    them.

    9) You knew which section of the ditch to find the beer your buyer
    dropped off.

    10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

    11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

    12) You don't give directions by street names or directions by
    references. Turn
    by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks east to Anderson's, and it's four
    houses left of the track field.

    13) The golf course had only 9 holes.

    14) You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

    15) Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will
    never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

    16) The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is
    actually just like your town.

    17) You refer anyone with a house newer then 1980 as the "rich
    people"

    18) The people in the "big city" dress funny then you pick up the
    trend 2 years later.

    19) Anyone you want can be found at the local gas station or the town
    pub.

    20) You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town
    or one of your friends drives a grain truck to school occasionally.

    21) The gym teacher suggest you haul hay for the summer to get
    stronger.

    22) Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.

    23) You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over
    and ask you if you want a ride somewhere.

    24) Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.

    25) Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

    26) You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without
    any ID.

    27) The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more).

    28) The closest mall is over an hour away.

    29) It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding
    lawn mower.

    30) You've peed in a cornfield.

    31) Most people go by a nickname.

    32) You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all
    true and you forward it to everyone who lived in your town (because you know them all!)
    Ryan

    I.A.C.O.J. Probie

    You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. -Eleanor Roosevelt

    Lets not forget those lost on 9-11-01


  2. #42
    Forum Member SmokeyNY's Avatar
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    10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
    It was also the best way to expand the gene pool.

  3. #43
    Forum Member Weruj1's Avatar
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    Zippo that Pierre and Marie deal is a HOOT !!!!!!!!!!! LMAO !
    IACOJ both divisions and PROUD OF IT !
    Pardon me sir.. .....but I believe we are all over here !
    ATTENTION ALL SHOPPERS: Will the dead horse please report to the forums.(thanks Motown)
    RAY WAS HERE 08/28/05
    LETHA' FOREVA' ! 010607
    I'm sorry, I haven't been paying much attention for the last 3 hours.....what were we discussing?
    "but I guarentee you I will FF your arse off" from>
    http://www.firehouse.com/forums/show...60#post1137060post 115

  4. #44
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Lightbulb

    A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof. When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket. The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick. The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump. "no Way! I seen what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead. "I am sorry" said the Chief. My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problem with redheads-jump it's your only chance" So the redhead jumped. On the way down'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato! The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief tolf the blonde to jump. The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump. "No I am not jumping. I seen what you did to my two friends." "I sorry" said the Chief "I explained what happened to the brunette and well when the redhead jumped we were distracted. It will not happen again just jump!" The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump-but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground and back away before I jump into it."


    call me
    1 212 479 7990
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  5. #45
    Forum Member snowball's Avatar
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    What do a runaway truck ramp, a tornado, and a redneck divorce have in common?



    Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

  6. #46
    MembersZone Subscriber AFD368's Avatar
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    Why Women Can't Fix Cars
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    "The uniform is supposed to say something about you. You get it for nothing, but it comes with a history, so do the right thing when you're in it."
    Battalion Chief Ed Schoales
    from 'Report from Ground Zero' pg 149
    I.A.C.O.J. Member

  7. #47
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    A fire chief died and went to heaven.
    When he got there he saw a long line waiting to get in to the pearly gates.
    He told himself, "I am a fire chief, I'm not going to wait in line."
    He went to the angels guarding the gates and said, "Let me in, I'm a fire chief."
    The angels replied, "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else, sir."
    While waiting at the back of the line he saw a sedan pull up with red lights and a man got out wearing a white helmet that said "CHIEF." The angels popped to attention and let the chief enter heaven. The waiting fire chief was really upset now and went to talk to the angels.
    He asked, "Why did you let that fire chief go through and not me?"
    To which the angels replied, "You have it all wrong, sir. That's GOD, he just thinks he's a fire chief."
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  8. #48
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Breaking News!

    There is a report in that a 2 seater private plane has crashed into a cemetary in Poland. The fire department has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  9. #49
    Forum Member firenresq77's Avatar
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    What do you call the sweat that forms when 2 rednecks make love??????











    Relative Humidity,,,,,,,

  10. #50
    MembersZone Subscriber mcaldwell's Avatar
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    Feel free to insert your favorite Officer, Political, or Administrator position here.


    "What do a Fire Chief, and a Light House in the desert have in common?"

    "They're both awfully bright, but completely F*@#ing useless!"
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

  11. #51
    Forum Member zippo99's Avatar
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    Buy her a drink....


    A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
    She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down
    at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on
    the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
    Once again, the same little owl-eyed drunk slapped his money down on
    the bar and said "Give the ballerina another drink!
    The bartender approached the little owl-eyed drunk and said, "I
    say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
    drin! k, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has
    to be a ballerina!"
    *The BOSS rules*

  12. #52
    Forum Member zippo99's Avatar
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    He Had Never Seen Her Naked

    A man and a woman were dating.
    She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
    One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
    "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.
    For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
    He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
    He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
    At 60 off came the pants.
    At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
    Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get hlep," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.
    The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
    "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
    So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.
    Along came a truck driver.
    Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story."My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
    The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies:
    "Ma'am, if he's in that far,
    I'm afraid he'a a goner!"
    *The BOSS rules*

  13. #53
    Forum Member Tooanfrom's Avatar
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    Default Joke?

    A young "geezer" rather the worst for drink-like absolutely "Brahms and Liszt" pulls this rather large (read enormous) bird in a boozer. They get outside in the car park-she's willing and he is past worrying-they get down between two cars and start doing what Adam and Eve invented. She says to him" I hope you've taken precautions?"
    He replied "Sure have I've tied my feet to that Land Rover over there!"
    "If you thought it was hard getting into the job--wait until you have to hang the "fire gear"up and walk away!"
    Harry Lauder 1981.Me on the left!

  14. #54
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Default The Rabbi And The Flood

    An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is expected, and evacuation is recommended.
    The rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger."
    The policeman shrugs his shoulders and leaves.
    As the rabbi is watching the rising water getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this time a State Trooper. The trooper says, "Rabbi, we are evacuating the area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy."
    Again the rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger. I am staying."
    Well, the water continues to rise, until the rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor. He hears some yelling and looks up to see two firemen in a rowboat right outside his second floor window.
    "Rabbi!" one of the firemen calls, "Get in the boat, the rains are not letting up! It's getting serious."
    "I am a man of God. He will protect me from danger. I'll stay."
    The firemen, fearing for their own safety, row on.
    As the flood rises, the rabbi is forced to climb out onto his roof, just as a helicopter is flying over. The helicopter drops a rope ladder and a voice calls down, "We're coming to get you, rabbi!"
    "No, no.... God will protect me. You go on."
    Well, needless to say, the water continues to rise and the rabbi drowns. When he gets to Heaven, he is really upset. "I must see God," says the rabbi. "Please take me to God."
    He is granted an audience with God.
    "Lord," says the rabbi, "after a lifetime of devotion to you, why would you forsake me in my moment of need?"
    God says, "You schmuck, I sent two cops, a rowboat full of firemen, and a helicopter...."
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  15. #55
    Forum Member RspctFrmCalgary's Avatar
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    Review of Public School Jokes

    Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

    "Johnny, what is your problem?"

    Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade.

    My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

    The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

    He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

    "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir."

    "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

    The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade!

    He seems smart enough. " Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

    The principal and Johnny both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
    of?" Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

    "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"
    "OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."

    "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

    "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The
    principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

    "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

    "Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK?

    First one.

    You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do.

    "Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

    "OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. " The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

    But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

    "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

    I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver.
    “Arrow."

    "Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck, Ma'am!"

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
    "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

    Enjoy your day, you dirty minded people.
    Last edited by RspctFrmCalgary; 10-05-2003 at 06:54 AM.
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

  16. #56
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    NOW THAT IS GOOD!!!
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  17. #57
    Forum Member RspctFrmCalgary's Avatar
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    Default

    Thought you'd like that one
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

  18. #58
    Forum Member RspctFrmCalgary's Avatar
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    BE FRUITFUL


    Woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

    She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

    But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. At last, she finally died.

    Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

    "In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

    Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

    The neighbor replied "I think he means her legs."
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

  19. #59
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    HAHAHAHA!!!!!
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

  20. #60
    Forum Member explr985's Avatar
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    LOL, that one is funny Sheri.
    No longer an explorer, but I didn't wanna lose my posts.

    IACOJ 2003

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