Thread: Jokes

  1. #76
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    A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

    "Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  2. #77
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    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  3. #78
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    LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO too f'n funny!!!!
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    What does a "Kiss" taste like???

    One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
    little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
    "No, I don't," said the little boy.
    "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from
    your Mom before he goes to work."
    Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it
    out! It's a piece of ***!"
    *The BOSS rules*

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    Default Halloween Humor

    A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when he hears a

    BUMP...

    BUMP...

    BUMP... behind him.


    Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he sees a casket rolling his way down the middle of the street toward him


    BUMP.....

    BUMP...

    BUMP...



    Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him ...

    faster...

    faster...



    BUMP...

    BUMP...

    BUMP...



    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

    However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping .....

    clappity-BUMP...



    clappity-BUMP...



    clappity-BUMP...

    .........................on the heels of the terrified man.



    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

    His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

    With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

    The man screams and reaches for something, anything...

    but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!


    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket.....

    and,.................the coffin stops

    HA HA HA HA HA
    Guinness....a meal in a can!
    IACOJ, Flatlander Division

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    A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
    "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
    "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!
    So romantic..."
    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned,
    Sam started using the most horrible language --- things I'd never
    heard
    before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take
    me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

    "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with
    your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
    WHAT 4-letter words?"
    "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
    embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!
    "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
    dust, wash, iron, cook..."
    >>
    >> "I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
    *The BOSS rules*

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    Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

    A: Last years winner to the hide and seek contest.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.

    The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, her hair turns brown and swims off the island.

    The next one asks to be even more intelligent that the previous one. Her hair turns instantly black, she builds a boat and sails off the island.

    The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a firefighter, and she walks across the bridge.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    The volunteer fire chief was preoccupied as to how, after the monthly fish fry, he was going to ask the town folks to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the firehouse. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular band had cancelled and a substitute had been brought in. The new band asked what music they should play. "There's folks who like the oldies," replied the chief, "but you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

    After dinner, everyone was sitting waiting for the monthly report, when the chief went to the microphone. "Fellow citizens, we have a problem. The station repairs will cost twice as much as we expected, and we need an extra $4,000. Any of you who can pledge an extra $100 or more, please stand up."

    With that, the substitute organist launched into "The Star-Spangled Banner." That's how they became the regular band!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    If -- H 2 0 -- is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

    K 9 P
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Chief and Deputy were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets. Chief gets up from his coffee and says, "Jeez, okay."

    Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Chief gets up from his coffee and says, "Jeez, okay."

    Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Chief didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to the Deputy, "Jeez, what am I going to do now?"

    The Deputy replies, "Aw Chief, just leave the car in the garage."
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    I wonder if this realy would work.
    Love this one.

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see
    .
    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.
    *The BOSS rules*

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    hahaha alright thats a damn good idea
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

    They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

    "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

    The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
    Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

    This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy
    in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his *** off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

    The guy calms down and says:" Make 'em all ugly again"
    Guinness....a meal in a can!
    IACOJ, Flatlander Division

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    Why the 10 Commandments Were Moved


    The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building because you can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    A blonde is driving a red sports car down the highway when a cop pulls her over for expired tags. He checks the license plate with dispatch. They ask if is a blonde in a red sports car. The officer replies "yes". Dispatch tells him to go up and drop his pants. A little unsure about it he approaches the car and says "miss do you know why I pulled you over" and he dropped his pants. She says "not another breathalyzer test"
    IF YOU FOLLOW ALL OF THE RULES YOU MISS ALL OF THE FUN.

    Moose (Post 2028 Vice President/ Command Officer)Explorer Highland Twp. Fire/Rescue Dept.

    Any Questions Contact Me At Moose20282@yahoo.com

    These Are My Opinions, Not that of My Dept. or Any other Orgnazition I Belong to.

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    I found an old Chief officer's test while cleaning out some files.

    Good Luck!


    1, Mama Bull Papa Bull Baby Bull. Draw a circle around the adult Baby bull will run to when stung by a bee.

    2. f _ r e. Fill in the missing letter. Put a dot on the i.

    3. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Write the words fire truck.

    4. Egg Drum Sex. Circle the word that doesn't belong.



    Answers;

    1, There is no such thing as a Mama Bull. If you missed this do not enter the milking contest at the county fair.

    2. Did you put the dot on the "i" instead of above it?

    3. Did you write "fire truck" or print it neayly on the lines?

    4. You can beat an egg and a drum but you can't beat sex.


    Four right; You get the white helmet.

    Three right: Line officer material.

    Two right; Senior firefighter.

    One right; Rookie

    None right; Do not go anywhere or do anything without adult supervision.

    Stay Safe
    IACOJ

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    what happens if you get a negitive score?
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    Wink

    Two boys are playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common when one is attacked by a vicious rottweiler. Thinking Quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog's collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog's neck and stopping it's attack. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
    "Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal..." he starts writing in his notebook.

    "But, I'm not a Bruins fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, Since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again.

    "Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack..." he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Red Sox fan either!" The boy said.

    "I assumed everyone is Boston was either for the Bruins or the Red Sox. So, what team do you root for?", the reporter asked.

    I'm a Yankees fan!", the child! beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

    "Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

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    Granny's Box Of Condoms

    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,
    having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the
    ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it
    over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
    Lady 1: What's that?
    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Lady 1: Where did you get it?
    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
    The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the
    local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist
    that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks
    at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over
    80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
    Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
    The pharmacist fainted.
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

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    HEHEHEHEE, I just LOVE Newfie jokes

    Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he
    accidentally cut
    off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in
    St. John's
    .
    The doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers
    and I'll see
    what I can do." John said, "I haven't got da fingers."
    What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? It's 2003. We got
    microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
    have put dem
    back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring da fingers ?

    John says, "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up!!!"
    To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.

    IACOJ-WOT proud

    GO WHITE SOX!!!!!

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    dat was funni
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    Two blondes are walking down the road. One is holding a bag, and the other one asks, "What's in the bag?"

    "Chickens," the first replies.

    "If I can guess how many chickens you've got, will you give me one?" the second asks.

    "If you can guess how many I've got, I'll give you both of them!"

    "OK," the second one says. "I think you've got three."

    ---------------

    A large parish adds a second, younger priest to its staff. The elder priest, Father John, invites young Father Michael to dinner one night. To Father Michael's surprise, the elder priest has a curvaceous blonde in a skimpy outfit serving the meal.

    While she is out of the room, Father Michael confides, "I'm a little surprised at your help, Father. Is there anything going on?"

    Father John shakes his head. "No, my son, nothing going on at all."

    "But aren't you ever tempted?" Father Michael asks.

    "Never," Father John replies. The meal proceeds and Father Michael finally goes home to his own quarters.

    When he arrives home the next day from visiting the poor, a note is taped to his door.

    "Father Michael:

    "I'm not saying you stole my silver gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains that it was here when you arrived and gone when you left.

    "Yours, Father John"

    Father Michael writes this note to place on Father John's door:

    "Father John:

    "I'm not saying you are screwing the help, and I'm not saying you aren't, but the fact remains that if you had slept in your own bed that night, you would know where the ladle is.

    "Yours, Father Michael"
    I am more than just a serious basketball fan. I am a life-long addict. I was addicted from birth, in fact, because I was born in Kentucky.
    ― Hunter S. Thompson

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    Default More Little Johnny .......... HAHAHAHA

    A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
    the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
    Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
    Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
    Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

    The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

    Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
    To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.

    IACOJ-WOT proud

    GO WHITE SOX!!!!!

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    While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over the limit),I
    passed over a bridge only to find a cop, with a radar gun on the other side,
    laying in wait.

    The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
    patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

    To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

    Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
    stretcher? And just what does a
    rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
    two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work side
    to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
    stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *********?"

    To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
    behind a bridge.....
    *The BOSS rules*

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    Dinner conversation gone bad.............
    >
    > WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    > HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    > WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
    > HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
    > WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    > HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
    > WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
    > HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
    > WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    > HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    > WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    > HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    > WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
    > HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    > WIFE: - - - silence - - -
    > HUSBAND: "****"
    *The BOSS rules*

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    I just love this one.
    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
    Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
    Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
    went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is
    falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you
    think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I
    think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken
    *The BOSS rules*

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    Default Not Sure If This One Was Already Posted

    A penguin is drving through Arizona and his car breaks down. He takes it to the shop and while he is waiting for it to get done he goes to the dairy queen. He gets an ice cream cone and tries to eat it (picture a penguin trying to eat a cone with his flippers). He gets done and goes to ask he mechanic about his car. Th mechanic tells him "It looks like you blew a seal" The penguin replies " No I just got done eating an ice cream cone".....

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    hows about a big ol bump for some more funnies !
    IACOJ both divisions and PROUD OF IT !
    Pardon me sir.. .....but I believe we are all over here !
    ATTENTION ALL SHOPPERS: Will the dead horse please report to the forums.(thanks Motown)
    RAY WAS HERE 08/28/05
    LETHA' FOREVA' ! 010607
    I'm sorry, I haven't been paying much attention for the last 3 hours.....what were we discussing?
    "but I guarentee you I will FF your arse off" from>
    http://www.firehouse.com/forums/show...60#post1137060post 115

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