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Thread: Jokes

  1. #176
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    Default An old one...(Dead Duck)

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the Bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

    "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

    The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

  2. #177
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    Default

    This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.
    Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
    Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

    This work is performed by a chip monk.
    A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

  3. #178
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    A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most
    beautiful, perfect loaded Lexus and walked over to inspect it closer.
    As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an expected little
    burst of flatulence escaped her.

    Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had
    noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a
    pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
    today?"

    Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing
    had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this
    lovely vehicle?"

    Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
    that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna s^it when you hear the price."
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  4. #179
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    Default My two favorite jokes

    There's a penguin driving through the desert. His car starts making some strange sounds, so he decides to have it checked at the next town. He leaves it at the garage and takes a stroll around town. It's really hot, so he buys an ice cream cone.

    A while later, the penguin gets back to the garage. The mechanic comes out and says "Looks like you blew a seal".

    The penguin wipes his chin and says "No, that's just ice cream".

    (I just found this one posted on an earlier page... but I think I tell it better )

    --------------------------

    A horse and a rabbit are friends. One day they're walking through the woods and the horse falls into some quicksand and starts to sink. The rabbit runs for help, and comes across a man with a convertible red Corvette.

    "Help me! My friend the horse has fallen into quicksand!" he yells. The man drives his Corvette to the edge of the quicksand, throws the horse a rope, ties it to his bumper, and pulls the horse to safety.

    The next week, the horse and rabbit are walking through the woods again, and the rabbit falls into the quicksand.

    "Help! Go find that guy with the Corvette!" he yells.

    "No, there's no time for that!" says the horse, and he stretches himself across the quicksand puddle and extends his penis. The rabbit grabs his penis and is thus dragged to safety.

    And the moral of the story is...

    If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a convertible red Corvette.
    Last edited by baileydonk; 11-03-2005 at 01:05 PM.
    -------;- "Aaaaa!!"
    Remember - always wear your helmet around one-eyed women with pike poles

  5. #180
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    Default The can of corn

    Three couples are applying for membership at their local church. The minister tells them "We are a very strict church here. We want all our members to be able to exercise self-control and moral behavior. Therefore, we have a test for new members. You must go one week without having intercourse. Come back next week and tell me how you've done with this task, and then we will consider you for membership in our church."

    The three couples come back the next week. The minister asks the first couple, who have been married for twenty years, how the week went. "No problem, didn't even really have to think about it" they reply.

    The minister asks the second couple, who have been married for five years, how the week went. "Well, it was a little tough, and I'm definitely glad it's over, but we made it" they reply.

    The minister asks the third couple, who have been married only three weeks. "Well," says the husband, "We really tried. I thought we were going to make it. Almost did! But yesterday, my wife dropped a can of corn and bent over to pick it up... and I just couldn't control myself anymore. I'm afraid we didn't wait."

    The minister shakes his head and says "I'm afraid we can not allow you into our church."

    The wife replies "Oh, hell, that's no big deal. We're not allowed in Safeway anymore, either!"
    -------;- "Aaaaa!!"
    Remember - always wear your helmet around one-eyed women with pike poles

  6. #181
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    Default Poor taste

    Sideways delete
    Last edited by RoughRider; 11-03-2005 at 01:36 PM. Reason: Poor taste
    Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.

    The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter!! Either side of the hill.


    IACOJ PROUD

  7. #182
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    Default

    I think even as a joke that was uncalled for and in very poor taste.

  8. #183
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    Default

    Yeah, I have to agree. Just a little Wall Street humor. I

    My apologies to all offended by my sophomoric sense of humor.

    RR
    Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.

    The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter!! Either side of the hill.


    IACOJ PROUD

  9. #184
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    Default

    Here's a good idea, how about deleting that post.
    Chief
    Wren Volunteer Fire Department
    IACOJ
    Southern Division

    http://www.wrenfiredepartment.4t.com/

    In Memory of:
    FireFighter/Pilot James Archer
    1946-2005
    "Rest in peace James, you now have the ultimate set of wings on you."

    Thanks, LeuitEFDems

  10. #185
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    Thumbs up

    Thanks, RoughRider, for owning up and doing the right thing!

    On a light note (from Reader's Digest):

    My brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. Dad hung up. "The prodigal son is returning!" he called to my mother. "Kill the fatted zucchini!"

  11. #186
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    Default

    Two fireman were hunting in the woods when one of them spotted a set of tracks. Unable to identify them, he asked his friend what he thought could have made tracks like these. Before his friend had a chance to answer, the train hit him!




    Kevin
    Fire Lieutenant/E.M.T.
    IAFF Local 2339
    K of C 4th Degree
    "LEATHER FOREVER"
    Member I.A.C.O.J.
    http://www.tfdfire.com/
    "Fir na tine"

  12. #187
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    Default

    What Starts with F and ends with K
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

    Harry: "9."

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

    Harry: "36."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: "Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

    Harry: "Pants."

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

    Harry: "Coconut."

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

    Harry: "Shake hands."

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

    Harry: "Firetruck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  13. #188
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    Default girls night out

    Two women friends went for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
    and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
    Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to
    stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them
    thought she would take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
    not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
    that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
    After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

    The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally
    sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
    hsband and said, "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm
    starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

    "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
    between the crack of her butt that said, "From all of us at the Fire
    Station. We'll never forget you !

  14. #189
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    Default

    Are you a turtle,Sir?

    Quote Originally Posted by E40FDNYL35
    What Starts with F and ends with K
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

    Harry: "9."

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

    Harry: "36."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: "Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

    Harry: "Pants."

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

    Harry: "Coconut."

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

    Harry: "Shake hands."

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

    Harry: "Firetruck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

  15. #190
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    Default

    That joke was awsome

    Quote Originally Posted by E40FDNYL35
    What Starts with F and ends with K
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

    Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

    Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

    Harry: "9."

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

    Harry: "36."

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

    Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: "Pockets."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

    Harry: "Pants."

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

    Harry: "Coconut."

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

    Harry: "Shake hands."

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

    Harry: "Firetruck."

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
    "Never mistake knowledge for intelligence; it is like mistaking a cup of milk for an entire cow."-Thomas Jefferson

    I.A.C.O.J. Member and F.A.R.T.'s local 4 founding member

    Mama said she only raised one fool.....Hey wait a minute I'm an ONLY CHILD???

  16. #191
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    Default

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


    "Only when he's been drinking
    NEVER FORGET!
    9/11/01

  17. #192
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    5 Winning Smart ***** Answers For 2005

    Smart ***** Answer #5:

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.

    Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
    *****************
    Smart ***** Answer #4:

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
    *******************
    Smart ***** Answer #3:

    The cop got out of his car and the k id who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
    *******************
    Smart ***** Answer #2:

    A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

    The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge! and ran out of gas."
    *******************


    #1 SMART ***** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


    **have to take #1 with me to Class tonight. Our State exam is in two weeks.
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 05-16-2006 at 11:39 AM.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  18. #193
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    Default So all you Texans .... is this true? hehehehe

    Rules to Enter Texas:
    Applies to each person as they enter Texas.

    Learn & remember:
    East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

    1. Pull your droopy pants up.
    You look like an idiot.

    2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
    I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
    No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

    3. They are cattle & oil wells.
    That's what they smell like that to you.
    They smell like money to us.
    Get over it.
    Don't like it?
    I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.
    Pick one.

    4. So you have a $60,000 car.
    We're impressed.
    We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

    5. So every person in every pickup waves.
    It's called being friendly.
    Try to understand the concept.

    6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.
    You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

    7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish.
    You really want sushi & caviar?
    It's available at the corner bait shop.

    8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
    It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

    9. We open doors for women.
    That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

    10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
    Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

    11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
    We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!
    Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
    Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real
    chili never met a tomato!

    12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary
    Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

    13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site (sic) more fun to watch.

    14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
    But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

    15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas.
    They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the
    holidays.


    16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.


    17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:

    "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas!"


    Texas is the greatest state ever!! If you are from Texas you are bad ***. If you do not repost this in 10 min. you are not a true Texan
    Last edited by RspctFrmCalgary; 05-16-2006 at 09:14 PM. Reason: crappy grammar!
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

  19. #194
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    Default

    My first post ever, but I had to respond to the Texas Challenge, since I am from Texas! Vidor is a great little East Texas Town....

    Subject: When you live in Vidor,Texas
    >
    >1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the
    >dinner table in front of her kids.
    >
    >2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down
    >depending on how much gas is in it.
    >
    >3. You've been married three times and still have the
    >same in-laws.
    >
    >4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
    >on a different night.
    >
    >5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms
    >so clean.
    >
    >6. Someone in your family died right after saying,
    >"Hey, guys, watch this."
    >
    >7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
    >
    >8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
    >
    >9. Your junior prom offered day care.
    >
    >10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled
    >Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
    >
    >11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
    >exploded right off its wheels.
    >
    >12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth
    >than your spouse.
    >
    >13. You have to go outside to get something from the
    >fridge.
    >
    >14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
    >
    >15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get
    >a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
    >
    >16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
    >there's a law against it.
    >
    >17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your
    >wife drunk.

  20. #195
    Forum Member

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    Mostly in the dog house
    Posts
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    Default Amazing dog

    A firefighter sees an ad in a national paper "Talking Dalmation for sale,$100.00"
    He immdiatley calls the number and talks to a brother firefighter out of Florida.
    "Is it true? do you really have a dalmation that can speak or is this some kind of joke?"
    "Ayuh, he can talk, and it ain't no joke"
    "Do you still have it?"
    "Ayuh"
    The young fire fighter hops a plane to Florida, goes to the address and knocks on the door.
    "Is this the place with the talking dog?" he asks.
    "Ayuh, he's in the back" replys the man and thumbs toward the rear of the house.
    The man walks into a bedroom and there on the bed, lays a scroungy looking dalmation with a remote control watching tv.
    "Is it true? can you really talk?" he asks.
    "Oh yeah, I can talk allright" replies the dog.
    "How did you come to be here?" asks the firefighter.
    "Well, I started out sniffing out drugs for the DEA, then did a couple of tours in Desert Storm, then of course I did such a great job in both of those positions, they sent me into the FDNY during 9-11, after that I worked security for the president for a few years then decided to retire here in Florida".
    The firefighter listened with his jaw open, hardly able to believe what he was seeing.
    He returned to the front of the house and said to the brother firefighter "That is the most amazing thing I've ever heard! That dog has lived an incredible life!"
    "Uh huh" came the reply.
    "Why in Gods name would you sell that dog for only $100.00?" he asks.
    The Brother shakes his head and says " Cuz he's a F^*%#ing LIAR!!!! "

  21. #196
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
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    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
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    Default

    "Why in Gods name would you sell that dog for only $100.00?" he asks.
    The Brother shakes his head and says " Cuz he's a F^*%#ing LIAR!!!! "
    Ok, now that WAS FUNNY
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  22. #197
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    Shoreman22's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Mantoloking, NJ, USA
    Posts
    117

    Default Another Blonde Joke

    A husband gets his honey-do list for the weekend and the first item is to paint the porch surrounding the house. Unfortunately, it's March Madness and he can't keep away from the TV. As he ponders his dilemma, a blonde is walking down the street. Eyeing her up, he gets an idea.

    "Excuse me, ma'am. Would you be interested in doing a little work for some money? I need someone to paint my porch. It's gonna need two coats and it'll probably take all day. I'll pay you $250." The blonde agrees and she begins the chore while our industrius man enjoys the game.

    A half hour later, the blonde comes inside looking for the money. The husband asks in disbelief "You mean to tell me you painted the porch with two coats in a half hour???"

    "Yep" the blonde proudly proclaimed. "And by the way" she added, "it's a Lexus, not a Porsche..."
    Proud member of the IACOJ.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

    "It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

  23. #198
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    252

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7


    #1 SMART ***** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
    Thank you for that!!! I just spammed my EMT classmates with it - we are testing this weekend.
    -------;- "Aaaaa!!"
    Remember - always wear your helmet around one-eyed women with pike poles

  24. #199
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Feb 2005
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    Somewhere
    Posts
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    Default

    A priest a doctor and an engineer go golfing one day.

    The foursome ahead of them is truly awful and is holding up play. They wreck their golf cart, can't find the ball, when they do hit it, it goes the wrong direction.

    The trio calls over a marshal and asks if anything can be done about the foursome.

    The marshal explains that this is a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their vision putting out a fire in the clubhouse the year before. The country club was so greatful they let the firemen play whenever they want and don't hastle them about their bad play.

    The priest says "that is a heart touching story. I will pray for them to recover their eyesight.

    The doctor says "I have a friend that is a world-class eye surgeon. I will give him a call and see if there isn't something we can do for them."

    The engineer gets quiet for a moment and then says "why don't they play at night?"

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