Anybody have any good jokes they wanna share?
Anybody have any good jokes they wanna share?
Got a good political joke---- Helen Clarke -prime minister of New Zealand
There was a huge fire in the city at a soda factory. The city companies were losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the Chief that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the Company that got the formula.
An hour later no ground was gained and a 5th alarm was put out. When the 5th alarm couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly Engine 40 drove their rig right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula.
When asked what they would do with the money the Captain said, "Get them damn brakes fixed."
about anything or just fire jokes?
Quote of the Day
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much, or work too much. We are all on the road to the grave -- but there is no reason to be in the passing lane. -- Robert Orben
Quote of the Day
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein
Quote of the Day
My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. -- Erma Bombeck
All courtesy of: joke-of-the-day [firstname.lastname@example.org]
Attaining above 100%
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100% if:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
B U L L S H ! T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull***** will put you over the top.
And look how far
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
will take you!
What more do I need to say? You don't even need to be a mathematician now if we can just figure out when to use which!!!!!!!!
Three men went hunting with their dogs, a doctor, a lawyer, and a fireman. All were bragging that their dog was trained just like themselves. The doctor shot the first duck, after which the doctors dog shaved the duck, removed the bullet, and bandaged the duck in an attempt to save it's life. The lawyer went next, and after he shot a duck, his dog notified the next of kin and divided all of the duck's assets. The fireman shot the third duck, and his dog ate all three ducks, screwed the other two dogs, and took four days off.:D
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's
six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.
"I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
"Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the f###ing bricks!"
A gentleman needed a hair cut and took his young daughter with him to the barbershop. He sat down in the chair, and the girl went and stood right next to him, eating a snack cake. The barber looked down at her and said "Honey, you're going to get hair on your twinkie" to which she replied, "Yes, I know. And I'm going to grow boobs too"
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tries to write with it.
He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing his mistake. He mumbles, "Well, that's great, just great... Some @$$hole's got my pen."
A firefighter working on the engine outside the station notices a little girl in the front yard of the house next door, sitting in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..
"Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
"The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Ways to tell if you are from Massachusetts:
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may be illegal.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.
It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
A guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks for a glass of 30 year old wine. the bartender, tired from a long night, reaches under the counter and pours the man a glass. when the man took a sip he seemed shocked. "Sir i asked you for 30 year old wine, and this is most definately 10." a few people around the man took notice and began to laugh. the bartender shook it off and went into a closet and pourd the man a glass form a 20 year old bottle. when he brought it to the man he again took a sip and again seemed shocked. a little more frustrated he said "Sir i asked for 30 year old wine and this is most definately a 20." more people began to take notice and began to crowd around him. the bartender gave in and brought him his 30 year old wine. and as he was about to leave a man apporached him with a gless. the man took a drink and imediately spit it out and screamed "MY LORD MAN THIS TASTES LIKE ****!!" the other man said "it is now how old am i?"
LITTLE TOMMY (WHO WAS JEWISH) WAS DOING VERY BADLY
IN MATH. HIS PARENTS
TRIED EVERYTHING: TUTORS, MENTORS, FLASH CARDS,
SPECIAL LEARNING CENTERS.
SHORT, THEY TRIED EVERYTHING THEY COULD THINK OF.
FINALLY, IN A LAST DITCH
EFFORT, THEY TOOK TOMMY DOWN AND ENROLLED HIM IN
THE LOCAL CATHOLIC
AFTER THE FIRST DAY, LITTLE TOMMY CAME HOME WITH A
VERY SERIOUS LOOK ON
FACE. HE DIDN'T EVEN KISS HIS MOTHER HELLO.
INSTEAD, HE WENT STRAIGHT TO
ROOM AND STARTED STUDYING. BOOKS AND PAPERS WERE
SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE
ROOM AND LITTLE TOMMY WAS HARD AT WORK.
HIS MOTHER WAS AMAZED. SHE CALLED HIM DOWN TO
DINNER AND TO HER SHOCK, THE
MINUTE HE WAS DONE HE MARCHED BACK TO HIS ROOM
WITHOUT A WORD AND IN NO
HE WAS BACK HITTING THE BOOKS AS HARD AS BEFORE.
THIS WENT ON FOR SOME TIME, DAY AFTER DAY WHILE
HIS MOTHER TRIED TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT MADE THE DIFFERENCE. FINALLY
LITTLE TOMMY BROUGHT HOME HIS
REPORT CARD. HE QUIETLY LAID IT ON THE TABLE AND
WENT UP TO HIS ROOM AND
WITH GREAT TREPIDATION, HIS MOM LOOKED AT IT AND
TO HER SURPRISE LITTLE
TOMMY GOT AN A IN MATH. SHE COULD NO LONGER HOLD
HER CURIOSITY. SHE WENT
HIS ROOM AND SAID: "SON, WHAT WAS IT??? WAS IT THE
LITTLE TOMMY LOOKED AT HER AND SHOOK HIS HEAD, NO.
"WELL, THEN," SHE REPLIED, "WAS IT THE BOOKS, THE
THE UNIFORMS??? WHAT WAS IT???
LITTLE TOMMY LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, "WELL, ON THE
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL,
I SAW THE GUY NAILED TO THE PLUS SIGN, I KNEW THEY WERN'T FOOLING
:D :D :D :D
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''
So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.
A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''
It was a few days after Christmas this little boy who got a fire engine for Christmas was playing while his Mom was listened from the kitchen. He was acting like the old captain rolling up on a structure fire:" ALL RIGHT GUYS, GET YOUR ASSES TOGETHER AND PUT THAT FN*** FIRE OUT NOW !!!".Hearing this upset his mother who came running into the room and sent him to the bedroom for 2 hours. Two hours later he came out of his room and resumed play (with his Mom listening cautiously from the kitchen) "All right guys let's mop it up," then he turned to the imaginary owner of the house and said, " if your ****ed about the two hour delay talk to the old bat in the kitchen.
The failed Irish Everest Expedition?
They ran out of scaffolding at 29,000 ft!
A couple of Truckies are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
there is a fire on tenth floor of a building.
A young good looking woman waiting at the window to be rescued watches the ladder pulling up.
The moment the Firfighter gets to her he smiles and sais :"I already see the headlines in the papers tomorrow"-"Young pregnant woman rescued by firefighter".
The woman very surpized sais : "but I'm not pregnant"
the FF replys : " yeah, but we are not down yet"
ROTFLMAO! Zippo, ya kill me! I'm just sore because I didn't post that one first!! ;)
Kevin, I'm sorry, I just hope I got the translation right.
I know my English ain't that good, and I'm just to lazy to look it all up in a dictionary.
A cop pulls a car over.
He gets to the driver and asks him for his papers.
Driver : "Why did you pull me over, Sir?"
Cop : Broken taillight, you exhaust is hanging loose... that's gonna cost you."
Driver : "okay, but make sure I've got my car back by 03.00 PM tomorrow, thanks.
Must be true:
A few minutes before church services start, everyone is sitting in
their pews and talking. Suddenly, in a flash of light and a puff of smoke,
Satan appears. The people scream and run out, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. In seconds everyone is gone
except for one elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew.
Satan walks up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks.
"Nope," says the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asks Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
agony for all eternity?" persists Satan.
"And you're still not afraid?"
More than a little perturbed, Satan asks, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."