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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
    Temporarily/No Longer Active EoneTiller's Avatar
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    Exclamation Jokes

    Anybody have any good jokes they wanna share?


  2. #2
    Forum Member Tooanfrom's Avatar
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    Talking Must of heard of this one

    Got a good political joke---- Helen Clarke -prime minister of New Zealand
    "If you thought it was hard getting into the job--wait until you have to hang the "fire gear"up and walk away!"
    Harry Lauder 1981.Me on the left!

  3. #3
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    There was a huge fire in the city at a soda factory. The city companies were losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the Chief that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the Company that got the formula.
    An hour later no ground was gained and a 5th alarm was put out. When the 5th alarm couldn't subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly Engine 40 drove their rig right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula.

    When asked what they would do with the money the Captain said, "Get them damn brakes fixed."
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  4. #4
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    Default

    about anything or just fire jokes?
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

  5. #5
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Quote of the Day
    Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much, or work too much. We are all on the road to the grave -- but there is no reason to be in the passing lane. -- Robert Orben

    Quote of the Day
    If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. -- Albert Einstein

    Quote of the Day
    My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us. -- Erma Bombeck

    All courtesy of: joke-of-the-day [joke@joke-of-the-day.com]
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  6. #6
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Cool

    Attaining above 100%

    Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
    We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

    How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

    What makes life 100% if:
    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
    is represented as:
    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

    Then:
    H A R D W O R K
    8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

    K N O W L E D G E
    11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

    But,
    A T T I T U D E
    1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
    And,
    B U L L S H ! T
    2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

    So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bull***** will put you over the top.

    And look how far
    A S S K I S S I N G
    1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
    will take you!

    What more do I need to say? You don't even need to be a mathematician now if we can just figure out when to use which!!!!!!!!
    Last edited by E40FDNYL35; 08-31-2003 at 10:36 AM.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  7. #7
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    LMAO!!
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

  8. #8
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Three men went hunting with their dogs, a doctor, a lawyer, and a fireman. All were bragging that their dog was trained just like themselves. The doctor shot the first duck, after which the doctors dog shaved the duck, removed the bullet, and bandaged the duck in an attempt to save it's life. The lawyer went next, and after he shot a duck, his dog notified the next of kin and divided all of the duck's assets. The fireman shot the third duck, and his dog ate all three ducks, screwed the other two dogs, and took four days off.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  9. #9
    Forum Member kghemtp's Avatar
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    Default Construction Worker

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
    construction crew turned up to build a house on the lot. The family's
    six-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door. She hung around and eventually the construction workers adopted her as a kind of mascot. They chatted with her and gave her little jobs to do and at the end of the week presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. She took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take it to the bank the next morning to deposit it in her account. When they went to the bank, the teller was equally impressed, and asked the little girl how she had come by her earnings.
    "I've been building a house this week," she replied proudly.
    Goodness!" said the teller. "And will you be building a house next week, too?"
    "Yes," answered the little girl. "If we ever get the f###ing bricks!"
    ~Kevin
    Firefighter/Paramedic
    --^v--^v--^v--^v--
    Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong
    Dennis Miller

  10. #10
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  11. #11
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    Default Hmm

    .
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  12. #12
    Forum Member firenresq77's Avatar
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    Default

    A gentleman needed a hair cut and took his young daughter with him to the barbershop. He sat down in the chair, and the girl went and stood right next to him, eating a snack cake. The barber looked down at her and said "Honey, you're going to get hair on your twinkie" to which she replied, "Yes, I know. And I'm going to grow boobs too"

  13. #13
    Forum Member kghemtp's Avatar
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    Default

    A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket and tries to write with it.

    He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing his mistake. He mumbles, "Well, that's great, just great... Some @$$hole's got my pen."
    Last edited by kghemtp; 09-02-2003 at 10:37 AM.
    ~Kevin
    Firefighter/Paramedic
    --^v--^v--^v--^v--
    Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong
    Dennis Miller

  14. #14
    Forum Member kghemtp's Avatar
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    Default

    A firefighter working on the engine outside the station notices a little girl in the front yard of the house next door, sitting in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
    "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.
    "Thanks," the girl says.
    The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..
    "Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
    "The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
    ~Kevin
    Firefighter/Paramedic
    --^v--^v--^v--^v--
    Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong
    Dennis Miller

  15. #15
    Forum Member kghemtp's Avatar
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    Default

    Ways to tell if you are from Massachusetts:

    Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston may be illegal.

    Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

    The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

    Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
    apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

    Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

    It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel.

    Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.

    It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

    Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.

    Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

    Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

    Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
    ~Kevin
    Firefighter/Paramedic
    --^v--^v--^v--^v--
    Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong
    Dennis Miller

  16. #16
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    Question

    A guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks for a glass of 30 year old wine. the bartender, tired from a long night, reaches under the counter and pours the man a glass. when the man took a sip he seemed shocked. "Sir i asked you for 30 year old wine, and this is most definately 10." a few people around the man took notice and began to laugh. the bartender shook it off and went into a closet and pourd the man a glass form a 20 year old bottle. when he brought it to the man he again took a sip and again seemed shocked. a little more frustrated he said "Sir i asked for 30 year old wine and this is most definately a 20." more people began to take notice and began to crowd around him. the bartender gave in and brought him his 30 year old wine. and as he was about to leave a man apporached him with a gless. the man took a drink and imediately spit it out and screamed "MY LORD MAN THIS TASTES LIKE ****!!" the other man said "it is now how old am i?"
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

  17. #17
    Forum Member BCmdepas3280's Avatar
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    Talking

    CATHOLIC MATH:


    LITTLE TOMMY (WHO WAS JEWISH) WAS DOING VERY BADLY
    IN MATH. HIS PARENTS
    HAD
    TRIED EVERYTHING: TUTORS, MENTORS, FLASH CARDS,
    SPECIAL LEARNING CENTERS.
    IN
    SHORT, THEY TRIED EVERYTHING THEY COULD THINK OF.
    FINALLY, IN A LAST DITCH
    EFFORT, THEY TOOK TOMMY DOWN AND ENROLLED HIM IN
    THE LOCAL CATHOLIC
    SCHOOL.

    AFTER THE FIRST DAY, LITTLE TOMMY CAME HOME WITH A
    VERY SERIOUS LOOK ON
    HIS
    FACE. HE DIDN'T EVEN KISS HIS MOTHER HELLO.
    INSTEAD, HE WENT STRAIGHT TO
    HIS
    ROOM AND STARTED STUDYING. BOOKS AND PAPERS WERE
    SPREAD OUT ALL OVER THE
    ROOM AND LITTLE TOMMY WAS HARD AT WORK.

    HIS MOTHER WAS AMAZED. SHE CALLED HIM DOWN TO
    DINNER AND TO HER SHOCK, THE
    MINUTE HE WAS DONE HE MARCHED BACK TO HIS ROOM
    WITHOUT A WORD AND IN NO
    TIME
    HE WAS BACK HITTING THE BOOKS AS HARD AS BEFORE.

    THIS WENT ON FOR SOME TIME, DAY AFTER DAY WHILE
    HIS MOTHER TRIED TO
    UNDERSTAND WHAT MADE THE DIFFERENCE. FINALLY
    LITTLE TOMMY BROUGHT HOME HIS
    REPORT CARD. HE QUIETLY LAID IT ON THE TABLE AND
    WENT UP TO HIS ROOM AND
    HIT
    THE BOOKS.

    WITH GREAT TREPIDATION, HIS MOM LOOKED AT IT AND
    TO HER SURPRISE LITTLE
    TOMMY GOT AN A IN MATH. SHE COULD NO LONGER HOLD
    HER CURIOSITY. SHE WENT
    TO
    HIS ROOM AND SAID: "SON, WHAT WAS IT??? WAS IT THE
    NUNS?

    LITTLE TOMMY LOOKED AT HER AND SHOOK HIS HEAD, NO.

    "WELL, THEN," SHE REPLIED, "WAS IT THE BOOKS, THE
    DISCIPLINE, THE
    STRUCTURE,
    THE UNIFORMS??? WHAT WAS IT???

    LITTLE TOMMY LOOKED AT HER AND SAID, "WELL, ON THE
    FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL,
    WHEN
    I SAW THE GUY NAILED TO THE PLUS SIGN, I KNEW THEY WERN'T FOOLING
    AROUND."
    IACOJ Membership 2002
    {15}

    Mike IAFF

    The beatings will continue until the morale improves

  18. #18
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    Default

    A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!''

    So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

    A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. ''Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they don't believe me!'' ''So YOU'RE the guy!'' The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, ''HONEY!?!...HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!'''

  19. #19
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Cool

    It was a few days after Christmas this little boy who got a fire engine for Christmas was playing while his Mom was listened from the kitchen. He was acting like the old captain rolling up on a structure fire:" ALL RIGHT GUYS, GET YOUR ASSES TOGETHER AND PUT THAT FN*** FIRE OUT NOW !!!".Hearing this upset his mother who came running into the room and sent him to the bedroom for 2 hours. Two hours later he came out of his room and resumed play (with his Mom listening cautiously from the kitchen) "All right guys let's mop it up," then he turned to the imaginary owner of the house and said, " if your ****ed about the two hour delay talk to the old bat in the kitchen.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  20. #20
    Forum Member Tooanfrom's Avatar
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    Post

    The failed Irish Everest Expedition?

    They ran out of scaffolding at 29,000 ft!
    "If you thought it was hard getting into the job--wait until you have to hang the "fire gear"up and walk away!"
    Harry Lauder 1981.Me on the left!

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