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Thread: Weird But True

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    Special enough to be on its own.... but...

    Pet Rabbit Wakes Owners During House Fire. Rabbit Scratches Door Until Couple Wakes

    POSTED: 9:06 am EDT July 25, 2008

    MELBOURNE, Australia -- You've heard about hero dogs and even hero cats -- but how about a hero rabbit?

    Fire officials in Melbourne credit a pet rabbit with saving a couple from a house fire.

    Metropolitan Fire Brigade commander Mick Swift said that when the fire started, the family pet, named Rabbit, scratched at the couple's bedroom door, waking them.

    Officials didn't identify the couple by name. But firefighters said the couple woke in time to escape the fire without being hurt.

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press.








    By the way.. I have not EVER been to Australia. It wasnt ME!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    I looked at the slideshow on NBC4 news regarding this next story. There was no printed text, so I am basically going to paraphrase the captions to the photos.

    Apparently Parkersburg FD, WV was paged out to what I guess would be a public service call. Three ducklings fell into a storm drain, and the FD was called to help extricate them. All three ducklings were safely rescued and reunited with their siblings and mother, who according to the report did not stray far once she noticed that she was missing three.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7 View Post
    MELBOURNE, Australia -- You've heard about hero dogs and even hero cats -- but how about a hero rabbit?
    Rabbit saves couple from house fire
    A quick-thinking bunny, named Rabbit, has saved a Melbourne couple from a devastating house fire.

    Rabbit's owner Gerry Finn had been home from night shift only 30 minutes when he heard the black rabbit furiously scratching at the bedroom door about 6am (AEST) on Thursday.

    He was shocked to discover it had alerted him to a blaze rapidly spreading through the back of his Macleod home, in Melbourne's north.

    Smoke blackened the inside of the house, and flames destroyed part of the roof.

    Neighbours pitched in with hoses to save the house before four fire crews arrived to extinguish the blaze.

    Six days from completing a painstaking two-year renovation, the couple was stunned but relieved to have escaped the fire without injury.

    Wife Michelle said Rabbit had alerted them in the nick of time.

    "We were both asleep. It was very lucky for both of us," she said.

    Rabbit is usually happy to roam around the house, only locked in a cage when guests arrive, she said.

    "He's just sort of an inside pet but I don't think he was very impressed," Mrs Finn said.

    "We've been renovating for two years - we started with a disaster, and now this.

    "All that hard work gone."

    A jewellery-maker, Michelle's tools and jewels were also lost in the fire.

    Fire investigators believe a heater may have sparked the blaze.

    A smoke alarm had been removed from the back room ceiling while the room was painted.

    Metropolitan Fire Brigade commander Mick Swift said the couple owed their escape to Rabbit.

    But, he said, home renovations should be no barrier to fire safety.

    "The lesson to learn from this is that even if a smoke alarm is removed it can still be put high up on a shelf," he said.

    Rabbit miraculously survived 45 minutes of heat and smoke inhalation before alerting his owners.

    The six-month-old bunny will visit the vet for a check-up later on Thursday.

    (Courtesy National Nine News)

    So, they only have one smoke alarm and they took it down. Oh that's right, "My house will never burn, that only happens to other people". Fools. I wonder what their insurance company said about that part of the incident? Smoke alarms are mandatory here.
    "Professional" means your attitude to the job...

    Nullus Anxietas ..... (T Pratchett)

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    BUT THE ALARM DID GO OFF! Granted it was the four-legged variety, and was maybe a bit slow to sound off, but it did. Right?
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7 View Post
    BUT THE ALARM DID GO OFF! Granted it was the four-legged variety, and was maybe a bit slow to sound off, but it did. Right?
    Would you like to insert the battery?
    "Professional" means your attitude to the job...

    Nullus Anxietas ..... (T Pratchett)

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    Nah. I figure, if its one o' them Auzzie rabbits, then he should be good for several years. Besides you guys are always very creative in how to solve problems like that.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7 View Post
    Nah. I figure, if its one o' them Auzzie rabbits, then he should be good for several years. Besides you guys are always very creative in how to solve problems like that.
    Ah ha! Your spelling of the word 'Aussie' shows that you know how to pronounce it! Well done that man!

    Now, how the hell can I answer your second sentence? Maybe by saying that the only thing I've ever inserted into a bunny is a .22 bullet?
    "Professional" means your attitude to the job...

    Nullus Anxietas ..... (T Pratchett)

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    Well ya know Vollie, I try harder than most.

    Here comes the bride, glub glub, glub...

    Monday, July 28, 2008 (07-28) 17:04 PDT Selma, Ore. (AP) --

    The bride wore a white veil, a red garter and black neoprene. The groom, too, was in diving gear, set off by a red bow tie. When the pastor pronounced them man and wife, Brian Wilson and Christina Gunn took off their breathing gear and exchanged a kiss 20 feet under the surface of the Illinois River in Southern Oregon.

    The underwater ceremony was performed last week, the Grants Pass Daily Courier reported.

    The vows were written in pencil on a white slate, which were displayed for Pastor Jim Bard, also a diver.

    "He asked us if we did, we held up our cards that say, 'I do,' he pronounced us man and wife, then we took off our regulators and we kissed," said Gunn. "I cried."

    Wilson is a former captain of the Josephine County swiftwater dive team who said, "I darn near cried, too."

    Gunn picked up the sport after meeting him.

    They chose their wedding spot, under a bridge, for romantic reasons.

    "That was the first place we dived together," said Wilson. "We're both previously married with kids, and we were thinking, 'Why do we want to have a traditional wedding? Let's do something unique and cool.'"

    A small group of family members gathered on the riverbank.

    "It's really different, I'll tell you," said Gunn's grandmother, Genevieve Eppele, who scrambled down the rocks with her husband of 63 years, Fred.

    "I told her, 'Can't you get married like normal people?'" said Gunn's mother, Gail Stading.

    For the benefit of family members, the couple afterward repeated their vows on dry land.

    Information from: Daily Courier, www.thedailycourier.com

    ====

    Angry man shoots lawn mower for not starting

    Friday, July 25, 2008 (07-25) 20:41 PDT MILWAUKEE (AP) --

    A Milwaukee man was accused of shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn't start. Keith Walendowski, 56, was charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed.

    According to the criminal complaint, Walendowski said he was angry because his Lawn Boy wouldn't start Wednesday morning. He told police quote, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."

    A woman who lives at Walendowski's house reported the incident. She said he was intoxicated.

    Walendowski could face up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

    A call to Walendowski's home went unanswered Friday morning.

    GIDDY UP!!

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    Police: Teen Stockpiles Illegal Firearms At Bethesda Home. Search Under Way For Teen Suspect

    POSTED: 5:14 pm EDT July 29, 2008
    UPDATED: 11:38 am EDT July 30, 2008

    BETHESDA, Md. -- Detectives removed firearms possessed illegally and chemicals commonly used to manufacture explosives from a Bethesda home Tuesday afternoon, according to the Montgomery County Police Department.

    The investigation began when the Gaithersburg Police Department received a tip from a citizen. Detectives and fire marshals obtained a warrant to search the residence in the 6300 block of Rockhurst Road.

    The warrant was served at 12:30 p.m. Tuesday. Five illegally possessed assault rifles, one handgun and ammunition were seized, according to police. Detectives also recovered the chemicals and components that can be used to make homemade explosives.

    Police said they obtained a warrant for the arrest of 18-year-old Colin McKenzie-Gude charging him with five counts of possession of a firearm or ammunition by a minor, possession of a destructive device and possession of explosive material.

    Police are still searching for McKenzie-Gude, a recent graduate of St. John's College High School. Detectives said he does not have a criminal record, and Montgomery County police said they do not know why he allegedly had weapons and chemicals.

    "His motive is something that detectives are trying to work on," Lt. Paul Starks said. "That's part of the investigation. It's still very early."

    News of the find quickly spread through the upscale Bethesda community.

    "I was literally shocked, because you think you know your neighbors, and they seem like very nice people -- very reserved, very friendly when you see them on the street," neighbor Stacy Riska said. "And you just never expect something like this to happen two houses away from you."

    Anyone with information about McKenzie-Gude's whereabouts or the case should call police at 301-279-8000.

    Copyright 2008 by nbc4.com.
    ===

    I keep wondering how Mom 'n Dad failed to notice this stuff, especially when apparently at least one neighbour did.

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    Marijuana Garden Found With Help of Researcher's Turtle

    By Paul Duggan
    Washington Post Staff Writer
    Thursday, July 31, 2008; 12:23 PM

    A Montgomery County man was arrested after a researcher tracking a radio-equipped turtle in Rock Creek Park found the animal standing in a garden of marijuana plants in a remote area of the park, police said today.

    Sgt. Robert Lachance of the U.S. Park Police said the researcher, who works for the National Park Service, was tracking a box turtle July 14 when he discovered about 10 marijuana plants growing in a section of the park just south of the Maryland border. The turtle has a radio transmitter attached to its shell, allowing researchers to monitor its movements and visually examine it from time to time.

    The researcher notified authorities after finding the plants -- about a pound and a half of marijuana worth roughly $6,500 when sold in smaller amounts on the street, police said. Lachance said investigators covertly watched the marijuana garden until a man showed up to tend to the plants.

    Isiah Johnson, 19, of the 2300 block of Washington Avenue in Chevy Chase, was arrested Wednesday and charged with possessing marijuana with intent to distribute, Lachance said.

    pic of turtle:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...l?hpid=topnews
    "When I was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope is to leave the world a little better for my having been there."
    -- Jim Henson (1936 - 1990)

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    I like the turtle. I wonder if he ate any of the pot plants.

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    'Local Idiot' Learns Road Closed Hard Way, Man Ignores 'Road Closed' Sign, Sees Train Destroy Truck

    POSTED: 9:27 am EDT August 5, 2008
    UPDATED: 9:35 am EDT August 5, 2008

    BELLEFONTE, Pa. -- Nathan Miller has learned the hard way that "Road Closed" signs are posted for a reason.

    The 25-year-old Pennsylvania man ventured onto a closed road Sunday afternoon in search of good fishing at Bald Eagle State Park, but his pickup truck got stuck on some railroad tracks. After trying for 45 minutes to dislodge the truck, Miller said he could do nothing but step back and watch a train smash into it.

    Signs clearly stated the road was closed, but Miller said he decided to "give it a shot" after hearing about the fishing spot. He has no intentions of going back.

    No one was hurt, but police cited Miller for trespassing. Miller said he was "Pretty much a local idiot just trying to go fishing."

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press.

    So ya gotta wonder something: How big was the railway crossing/track area? And why couldnt he get his truck over them?
    =====
    Woman Stuck In Traffic, Bills Mich. For Gas. Woman Claims She Was Stuck In Construction Zone

    POSTED: 8:30 am EDT August 5, 2008
    UPDATED: 9:00 am EDT August 5, 2008

    TOLEDO, Ohio -- An Ohio woman has sent Michigan transportation officials a bill for the $16 she said she wasted on gasoline sitting in construction zone traffic.

    Carol Greenberg told the Toledo newspaper The Blade there were no signs warning about the work on southbound Interstate 275, about 30 miles north of Toledo. So, she said she got stuck idling for about 50 minutes while trying to get home with her cat after a visit to a veterinarian outside Detroit.

    She said her cat, Sammy, disliked the delay and howled the whole time. In response, the Michigan Department of Transportation wrote her, saying it's unable to reimburse drivers for time, wages or gas lost in work zone back-ups.

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press.

    The commentary on the tv news this morning regarding this last story was... "PPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT" or words to that effect.
    ======
    Woman Wards Off Would-Be Attackers With High Heels. Alleged Attackers Have Facial Injuries, Police Say

    POSTED: 11:30 am EDT August 5, 2008
    UPDATED: 11:48 am EDT August 5, 2008

    MONROE, Mich. -- A Monroe County woman protected herself from a would-be attackers by hitting the men with her high-heeled shoes.

    Police said they are looking for two men with facial injuries after the woman scratched them with her fingernails and beat them with the shoes.

    The incident happened around 12:30 a.m. Thursday behind St. Mary Catholic High School on West Elm Ave.

    The 22-year-old woman said she was walking along the street near the school when she was approached by two men.

    One demanded her purse then threw her to the ground, according to the woman.

    She told police the men dragged her behind the school, pulled her hair while one went through her purse.

    She said the men tried to take off her clothing until she fought back.

    The woman told police the men were between the ages of 18 and 20. They were both tall, wearing T-shirts and shorts.

    She said one of the men was white, the other black and both should have scratches on their faces.

    Anyone with information should call Monroe police at 243-7519.

    Copyright 2008 by ClickOnDetroit.com.
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 08-05-2008 at 04:20 PM.

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    What "view" could they be complaining of?

    Farmer Builds 'Redneck Stonehenge' In Yard. Man Says He Can Do What He Wants On His Land

    POSTED: 8:42 am EDT August 6, 2008
    UPDATED: 9:10 am EDT August 6, 2008

    HOOPER, Utah -- A farmer has erected a backyard fence made of three old cars sticking up in the air to send a message to new neighbors that he can do whatever he wants on his property.

    Rhett Davis calls it his "redneck Stonehenge." He came up with the idea after neighbors who recently moved into homes next door complained about his farm.

    Davis said he offered to pay for half the cost of a fence between his property and the others and to build it. He said his neighbors declined the offer, saying it would block their view.

    He said he doesn't intend to keep the cars up permanently, adding "they can come out just as easy as they went in."

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press.

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    Default News of the Weird?

    Amazing how many people sue others because of greed. I wonder if she actually won her case... Pay attention to her last name. LOL!

    Shannon Hyman, now 24, filed a lawsuit in July against the Green Iguana Bar & Grill in St. Petersburg, Fla., for medical bills and lost wages when she was badly burned four years ago drinking a "flaming shot" of Bacardi 151-proof rum (which normally is consumed without incident, but Hyman had spit out the drink, spreading flames to her head and upper torso). Hyman told the Tampa Tribune: "I'm suing because I should not have been let in (because she was under 21 at the time). If I weren't let in, none of the events would have happened." [Tampa Tribune, 7-16-08]

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    Thumbs up

    Referring the above story, I think Darwin is missing a link somewhere.....

    Buzz up!SACRAMENTO: Beer dispute is over; Weed wins battle

    Juliet Williams, Associated Press Wednesday, August 6, 2008

    (08-06) 04:00 PDT Sacramento -- A Northern California brewer who tangled with federal regulators over the caps on his beer bottles said Tuesday that officials have given him permission to keep the message "Try Legal Weed."

    The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau had ordered Vaune Dillmann to stop using the caps, which are a play on the name of the Siskiyou County town where he brews his beer: Weed. The bureau said the message amounts to a reference to illegal drugs.

    Dillmann appealed and was preparing for a legal fight when he received a registered letter this week saying he can continue using the bottle caps. He shared a copy of the letter Tuesday with the Associated Press.

    "Based on the context of the entire label, we agree that the phrase in question refers to the brand name of the product and does not mislead consumers," said the letter, dated Thursday.

    A message left after hours for alcohol bureau spokesman Art Resnick in Washington was not immediately returned Tuesday.

    The dispute started last winter after Dillmann sent the agency Mt. Shasta Brewing Co.'s proposed label for its latest beer, Lemurian Lager.

    He included the same bottle cap he'd been using on his other five brews. This time, the branch of the U.S. Treasury rejected it because of federal laws that strictly prohibit drug references on alcoholic beverages.

    Since the dispute was publicized in April, Dillmann said he has received letters, phone calls and messages from more than 1,200 people around the world - including old friends and his high school football coach in his hometown of Milwaukee.

    "We have not had one even remotely negative comment," Dillmann said.

    Dillmann started his brewery in 2004 and named the company's first official brew for the town's founder, Abner Weed, a timber baron who eventually was elected to the state Senate. He was only the latest resident to exploit the name of the town of 3,000.

    All the attention has led to booming sales, but it's also been stressful, Dillmann said.

    He plans to resume using the now-infamous bottle caps, which had been replaced with blanks while the dispute was pending.

    Dillmann also drafted a letter thanking supporters. His message: "Weed fought the law and Weed won!"


    This article appeared on page B - 2 of the San Francisco Chronicle
    ====
    Fla. man dials 911, complains his sub had no sauce

    Monday, August 4, 2008

    (08-04) 18:06 PDT Jacksonville, Fla. (AP) --

    The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.

    Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren't arriving fast enough.

    Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police.

    When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.

    Peterson did not have a listed phone number.


    Further to the 911 Sandwich call:

    Man Dials 911, Complains About Sandwich. Sauce-Less Sub Prompts Man To Call 911

    POSTED: 11:35 am EDT August 6, 2008
    UPDATED: 12:53 pm EDT August 6, 2008

    JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must-have for one Jacksonville man who authorities said called emergency operators about a sauce-less sub.

    Police said 42-year-old Reginald Peterson called 911 multiple times from an Arlington Subway restaurant, but what they said happened was anything but an emergency, local news station WXJT reported.

    Peterson initially called the emergency number on Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report.

    "I went in the Subway sandwich shop and ordered two sandwiches and I paid almost $12 for the sandwich. I did not get the sandwich made the way to be made the way I wanted to," the man told the emergency operator.

    "He actually called 911 to tell us that he needed our assistance because his sandwich was improperly made," said Jacksonville Sheriff's Office spokesman Ken Jefferson.

    The second call was to complain that police officers weren't arriving fast enough.

    Subway workers told police that Peterson became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police.

    "They locked the door on me. They got the sandwiches I paid for inside the store. I'm not leaving here until I got what I paid for. I'm not going to sit and pay $12 or $10 for some sandwiches and not get what I paid for," Peterson told the operator during his second call to 911.

    "Then, he calls a third time and wanted to know where police were. Once we arrived he was totally irrational," Jefferson said.

    Police said not only did Peterson call 911 three times, but they said he even started yelling at them.

    "He was obviously having a bad day and he was going to take it out on anybody he could, and he verbally took it out on the restaurant and he took it out on us when we went to assist him," Jefferson said.

    When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls.

    Distributed by Internet Broadcasting.



    DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB......
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 08-06-2008 at 04:52 PM.

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    COUGH SPUTTER COUGH......... SPUTTER COUGH COUGH....

    Grandma arrested for driving with child on roof

    Thursday, August 7, 2008(08-07) 16:54 PDT Marathon, Fla. (AP) --

    Authorities say a grandmother was arrested for driving around the parking lot of a Marathon grocery store with her 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of the car.

    Monroe County Sheriff's Office deputies were called to the Publix store Tuesday and arrested a 54-year-old woman after she was driving around with her three-year-old granddaughter on the roof of her car.

    The grandmother was released from jail 15 hours later.

    The woman said Thursday she would never let anything hurt her granddaughter. She says she was driving at "snail-speed" and holding the child's leg.

    Authorities say the woman told police she was giving the child some air and letting her have fun.

    She faces charges of child abuse. The child is back with her mother.


    OOOOOOOUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!

    Two arrested after using barbecue pit as a weapon

    Thursday, August 7, 2008 (08-07) 16:54 PDT Alexandria, La. (AP) --

    A man and a woman found a new use for a barbecue pit — one that landed them in jail. An argument over whether a third guest should stay in the house got so heated that the woman picked up the barbecue pit and hit the man over the head with it, police said.

    The man picked up the barbecue pit and returned the favor and hit the woman in the head with it, police reported. The woman then told police that she picked up the barbecue pit and hit the back window of the man's car with it.

    Police admit that the whole situation was confusing, but after medics treated the man and the woman, they were handcuffed, read their rights and taken to jail.

    The man was booked on a charge of aggravated battery and the woman was booked with aggravated battery and simple criminal damage to property valued less than $500.

    Information from: Alexandria Daily Town Talk, www.thetowntalk.com
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 08-08-2008 at 09:58 AM.

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    Top 9 best new drugs
    One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small. Take one, take them all!
    By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

    Friday, August 8, 2008
    Top 9 best new drugs - One to make you larger, and one to make y...
    08/08/2008
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    07/25/2008

    Researchers are reporting that an experimental drug can mimic the results of an exercise regimen — with no exercise required. [Called "the couch potato experiment,"] after four weeks of taking the pill, mice who hadn't worked out displayed a 44 percent increase in their running endurance. —Wired


    Scientists at the Ronald Wilson Reagan School for Pschyoeconomic Paroxysms have reportedly developed a new drug that, after just a few weeks, induces random bouts of forgetfulness combined with the ability to reverse ideological direction in an instant, most notably when large amounts of cash are placed directly in front of the face. Code-named "the McCain," users report random outbreaks of very bad jokes coupled with an extremely combative nature, acute desire to detonate large explosive devices across multiple desert nations and a general feeling that the real problem with the world today is all the gul-dang gay young peacenik whippersnapper environmentalists who like to rub their iPods all over their Googles. Common prescription: "Take two McCains and call me in 1957."

    {hhmm remind you of anyone we know? }

    Following research at Harvard and McGill universities where scientists have been testing new drugs that "delete" bad memories, researchers in Washington, D.C., have found a new compound that tricks the brain into believing great progressive accomplishments are being made and tremendous strides have been taken to reverse all sorts of previous damage, when in fact very little has been done and mostly what's happening is a lot of general whimpering wrapped in a great many false gestures, all while promising even more super-positive changes ahead, but if only someone really good steps in as leader and tells everyone what to do.

    Introduced to great excitement and fanfare when it first hit the market in November of 2006, "the congressional Democrat" has only proven moderately effective as a radical stimulant, and is currently considered a big, fat disappointment.


    Drug researchers in Gnowangerup, Australia, are reporting successful Stage II testing of a rather sour new pill known as "The Gawker" (also known as "PWND," "OMG," "Get a Life," "Perez Hilton"). A neural inhibitor that blocks cognitive maturation, this new drug reportedly affects speech patterns and triggers an alarming increase in jackassianic peptides in the brain, the chemical most associated with extreme self-absorption, chronic masturbation, general mean-spiritedness and excessive use of the word "whatEVs."

    Time-released. Effects reportedly last approximately six years, roughly from ages 19-25, at which time serious users suddenly awaken to fact of own adorable irrelevance, write vacuous memoir, take job as assistant manager of American Apparel outlet in south Jersey shopping mall. {So THATS WHAT HAPPENED TO GW! }


    Ironically, just a few years ago, this global toxin was thought to be generally harmless, albeit a huge irritant. Now "the Bush," secretly developed by teams of starved eunuchs in the dungeons of the GOP research labs between the years 1950 to 1998 and whose real toxicity only became known on Sept. 12, 2001, is widely regarded as "the bitterest pill we've ever had to swallow."

    Set to expire in January 2009, notable side effects include retching, fatalism, monosyllabism, spiritual coagulation, complete intellectual stasis, and a strange, painful condition known only as "squinty face." Believed to be on track to replace "the Nixon" as worst drug ever invented.

    WARNING: Contraindicated by a highly volatile ointment — "the Cheney" — containing shards of glass and the blood of insane Amazonian scorpions, which induces instant shriveling of any living tissue with which it come into contact.


    One of the most successful drugs of the past 15 years, scientists successfully synthesized a rare compound that induces a feeling that, despite the fact that you just ingested four giant triple-shot vente mochas, your body only enjoys the sensory/neural equivalent of a tepid glass of watery Folgers crystals. "The Starbucks" has nevertheless proven to be hugely addictive, despite almost complete lack of flavor, effect, pleasure.
    Side effects include: obsessive journaling, near-constant wearing of navy blue fleece jackets from REI, inexplicable appreciation for the Dave Matthews Band and/or John Mayer, and launching of personal blog dedicated to twin loves of cats and long blank stares into vast eternal nothingness just past tip of nose.


    Teams of pale, cheerless, Dockers-clad researchers from Redmond, Wash., recently unleashed this fabulously overwrought new drug on the populace. Called "Windows Vista," it's already being ingested daily by some 180 million users worldwide, despite the facts that not a single one of them enjoys the effects or had any real choice in the matter and would switch to the far more refined, sexy, pleasurable drug known as "Mac" in an instant if they could.
    Initial reaction to drug was rather harsh, but its manufacturer has been working valiantly to prove that it's not nearly as toxic and horrible as everyone thought, and is actually nicely mediocre and totally sufferable if you really, really have to use it.


    "The American Pie." Mixed origins. Possible blinding agent. Known to induce righteous paralysis in nearly half of all domestic users. Excess use efficiently shuts down cognitive processes in prefrontal lobes and redirects functions of reason and humane judgment to same area that spawns guttural fears, religious indignation, love of domestic light beer. While generally considered safe and even pleasurable in small doses, large amounts can wipe out any desire to travel, read books, learn a foreign language, have sex for pleasure, or speak in complete sentences. Pill is shaped like actual piece of apple pie to lure children. Active ingredient secretly added to water supply in many Midwestern states in 1952.


    "The Fox News." Bowel irritant. Induces silent screaming, intestinal numbness, odd tingling in root of perineum as if genitalia is being eaten by angry psoriatic rats. Nevertheless, still eagerly consumed by large segment of populace, mostly due to garish red, white and blue packaging and bogus guarantee of protection against scary gay people. Regular use reportedly causes knee to jerk in reaction to even the slightest complex issue. Safe for brain-damaged dogs.


    "The Jesus." Perhaps the most widely used but enormously misunderstood drug of all time. Developed centuries ago by regrettably biased researchers but constantly being reintroduced, with new variants coming on the market every few years in often dangerous, unregulated levels of potency. Sadly, millions of users often become horribly addicted without the slightest understanding of context or history, thanks to a brutally organized marketing campaign that gets just about every aspect of the drug's true nature incorrect. Available in capsule, gel, liquicaps, spray, ointment, suppository, communal wafer, dogma, proscription, foolish law, dildo, t-shirt, hat, book, unbearable rock music, sexual fantasy, justification for war, bobblehead. Often taken in enormous doses just prior to death. Frequently appears on burnt toast.

    ========
    Thoughts about this column? E-mail Mark.

    Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on SFGate and in the San Francisco Chronicle. To get on the e-mail list for this column, please click here and remove one article of clothing. To get on Mark's personal (i.e.; non-Chronicle) mailing list (appearances, books, readings, blogs, yoga and more), please click here and remove two more.

    Mark's column also has an RSS feed and an archive page, which includes another small photo of Mark potentially sufficient for you to recognize him in the street and give him gifts. He's also on Facebook, but isn't quite sure why.

  18. #2793
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    Default No more Whoppers for this 'cat!

    XENIA, Ohio (Aug. 12) - Burger King Corp. said Tuesday it has parted ways with an employee who was recorded taking a soapy bath in the restaurant's utility sink. The nearly four-minute video, which was posted Thursday on MySpace.com, shows the unidentified employee taking the bath to celebrate his birthday. The worker, who refers to himself as "Mr. Unstable," appears to be naked.

    Burger King spokeswoman Denise Wilson said two employees involved in the incident were fired and another quit. She declined to identify the employees or say whether the man who took the bath quit or was fired.
    The sink is used to clean large pieces of equipment, said Greene Health Commissioner Mark McDonnell. Bacteria or viruses on the skin could have potentially contaminated equipment, but there have been no reports of any customers becoming ill.
    McDonnell said he dispatched an inspector to the restaurant, but at that point the restaurant had sterilized the sink.
    Miami-based Burger King, the nation's No. 2 hamburger chain, said in a statement that it also disposed of all kitchen tools and utensils used in the incident and is retraining the staff in health and sanitation procedures.
    Xenia is about 15 miles east of Dayton.
    Copyright 2008 The Associated Press.

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    Hows this for a disclaimer? Taken from SFGate and the article about the movie "Tropic Thunder":

    -- Advisory: This film contains profanity, violence, gore, sexual situations and multiple international incidents, including a particularly gory one involving a panda. In the interest of world peace, "Tropic Thunder" probably shouldn't open in China until the Olympics are over.

    E-mail Peter Hartlaub at phartlaub@sfchronicle.com.

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    Not the most recommended extrication method, but......

    NYC heroes lift bus off pregnant woman; baby saved

    Friday, August 15, 2008 (08-15) 09:25 PDT New York (AP) --

    Horrified bystanders banded together to lift a 5-ton school bus off a pregnant woman pinned underneath, enabling doctors to save her son.

    Donnette Sanz, 33, a traffic agent for the city police department, was pronounced dead Thursday, shortly after her baby's birth by an emergency Caesarean section. The 3-pound, 6-ounce boy was in critical condition.

    Sanz was walking across a Bronx street around lunchtime Thursday when she was struck by a van that pushed her in front of the bus.

    "I ran out of my house to join 10 people trying to lift up the bus," said Cheryl Brown, 47. "At first, we couldn't get it up, so then another 10 people ran over to help, and we got the bus up and the lady out."

    The van's driver, Walter Walker, was arrested on charges of criminally negligent homicide and driving without a license, police said.

    "My brakes went out," said Walker, 72. "The light turned red, and I couldn't stop. ... I tried to miss her."

    Police Commissioner Raymond W. Kelly said Walker had 20 suspensions to his driver's license.

    Mayor Michael Bloomberg met with Sanz's husband, Rafael, at nearby St. Barnabas Hospital.

    "It's a terrible poignancy that Donnette's son's birthday will now coincide with the day his mother died," Bloomberg said in a statement.

    Sanz's sister, Beverly, said the baby was named Sean Michael.

    St. Barnabas Hospital spokesman Fred Winters said Friday that the baby, while still in critical condition, "shows some signs of improvement and is basically healthy."

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    May the powers that be smile on that child and remaining family!

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    Indeed, Cat.


    What a heart-wrenching story.
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    Cool Busted

    A recent headline on the Web site of WTNH in New Haven, Connecticut, read, “Almighty Allah busted on drug charges.” How could this be? Well, not that Allah. WTNH reports that the man, who legally changed his name to Almighty Supremebeing Allah, faces a narcotics charge.

    It gets worse: Allah has prior convictions and is being “held on $260,000.00 bond on charges including cocaine possession, attempt to sell cocaine, and traffic charges.” If Muslims rioted over cartoons of Mohammed, we hate to think what they will do if they find out Allah is a crack dealer. All we can say is, police be upon him.

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    Penguin Receives Norwegian Knighthood. Zoo Animal Already Has Medals For Good Conduct, Long Service

    POSTED: 12:12 pm EDT August 15, 2008
    UPDATED: 2:31 pm EDT August 15, 2008

    LONDON -- Nils Olav must be the envy of his fellow penguins at the Edinburgh Zoo in Scotland. The 3-foot-tall king penguin has been knighted.

    The ceremony was similar to when the honor is bestowed on a human.

    A British major general, on behalf of Norway's king, dropped the king's sword on both side of Nils' black-and-white frame. A badge symbolizing his knighthood was tied to the penguin's flipper.

    Nils then reviewed the troops lined up outside the penguin enclosure at the zoo, waddling down the row of uniformed soldiers.

    Nils Olav is actually the third penguin to serve as mascot of the Norwegian King's Guard.

    He already has medals for good conduct and long service.

    Now, thanks to knighthood, he'll be called "sir."

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press
    =====
    Lonely Aussie Men Appeal To Ugly Women. Following Criticism, Mayor Says He Was Misquoted

    POSTED: 9:31 am EDT August 18, 2008

    SYDNEY, Australia -- Ugly women are wanted for the bachelors in the Australian Outback mining town of Mount Isa.

    That's essentially what Mayor John Molony told a local newspaper recently. He claims his town has a roughly 5-to-1 male-to-female ratio, and that someone should go hunting for the "beauty-disadvantaged women" and move them into town.

    Australia's 2006 census shows males make up just under 53 percent of the town's population of nearly 20,000.

    Molony said he sees lots of "not so attractive" women with smiles on their faces, and implies it's because of some exciting romance in their lives.

    But women told the local paper that most of the men there aren't so great. The word around town is: "the odds are good, but the goods are odd."

    The mayor now says he was misquoted.

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press.


    The mayor now says he was misquoted.
    Misquoted about which part?
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 08-18-2008 at 03:52 PM.

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    Coincidence? I think not.

    'Stillborn' baby survives despite hours in cooler

    Reuters Published: Tuesday, August 19, 2008

    JERUSALEM -- A stillborn Israeli baby who was pronounced dead by doctors "came back to life" yesterday after spending hours in a hospital refrigerator. The baby, weighing only 600 grams at birth, spent at least five hours inside one of the hospital's refrigerated storage units, before her parents, who had taken her to be buried, began noticing some movement.

    © Times Colonist (Victoria) 2008

    =====

    Police Seize Motorized Office Chair. Witnesses Say Chair Driven Down Street

    POSTED: 9:47 am EDT August 19, 2008
    UPDATED: 10:23 am EDT August 19, 2008

    BERLIN -- It's an office chair fit for the autobahn. German police have seized a motorized chair built by a couple of 17-year-olds in a western town.

    The teens put the chair on a metal frame, then added a lawnmower engine and bicycle brakes. Witnesses had reported seeing the hot rod chair on several streets. But the teenagers insist they had only tested by going a few yards.

    German authorities said they've investigating several possible charges against the teen chair builders, including driving without a license and registration violations.

    Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press.


    Camp Councillor: "Hey kid. Whatya got in that thing?"

    Wheelchair Kid: "A 440 with a hemi."
    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 08-19-2008 at 02:06 PM.

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