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Thread: any jokes?

  1. #1
    Senior Member hotboy's Avatar
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    Default any jokes?

    Are there any good jokes?
    Last edited by hotboy; 03-03-2004 at 01:15 AM.
    If we don't do it nobody else will!!!!


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    Forum Member PFire23's Avatar
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    I know a dirty one .............................. ....







    A white horse fell in a mud puddle


    This is courtesy of one of my kids:

    Why was Tigger staring into the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh.
    To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world.

    IACOJ-WOT proud

    GO WHITE SOX!!!!!

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    Forum Member DeputyChiefGonzo's Avatar
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    Default Re: any jokes?

    Originally posted by hotboy
    Are there any good clean jokes?



























    No.
    ‎"The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
    Lt. Ray McCormack, FDNY

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    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Funny Questions to Ponder?
    - Can you cry under water?

    - When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just"chunkydunk."

    - How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    - Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

    - Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes?

    - Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    - How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    - Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

    - If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    - Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

    - Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    - How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

    - Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

    - I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

    - Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

    - Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

    - If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

    - Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Here is my 'final installment' (Ya right he says)
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  6. #6
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    a brunet was walking on some railroad tracks himming "21,21,21,21,21,21,21..." a blonde sees her walking by and decides to join her. after a few minuites a train comes around the corner, the brunet stepps off the tracks but the blonde gets hit by the train. the brunet steps back on the tracks and starts humming "22,22,22,22,22,22,22..."



    A duck walks into the bar, goes up to the counter and asks the bartender "ya got any grapes" the bartender says no and the duck leaves. the next day the duck walk into the bar again and asks if the bartender has any grapes. the bartender say no again than asks the duck to leave. the next day the duck walks into the bar and before he says anything. the bartender got mad and screemed "WE DONT SERVE GRAPES, WE NEVER WILL SERVE GRAPES! AND IF YOU ASK IF WE SERVE THEM AGAIN I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!" The duck smiles and asks the bartender "ya got any nails?" the bar tender confused said "no, we dont" the duck looks back and asks "ya got any grapes?"


    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

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    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Pass me another beer, Cletusitta.....
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    This is a true story and it was one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen.

    I was doing a ride along with a career department and we had just arrived at the fire house at 6:00am. As you know, alot of firemen are no good until they get their morning coffee.

    About 6:15am, the tones drop for a structure fire. Everyone jumps in the truck and we're off. The captain is getting dressed and as we are screaming down the interstate at 75 mph, he looks over at the engineer who is driving and his jaw drops.

    The driver has his knee on the steering wheel, one hand blowing the air horn and changing the siren and his other hand has a cup of coffee.

    The captain screams at him "Whatever you do, don't spill your f***king coffee!!!"

    The engineer just looks over and smiles, "I won't" as he takes another big swig.

    Everyone in the truck just died laughing and everyone was crying by the time we hit the fire scene.

  9. #9
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    The Wisdom of The Indian Chief
    An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

    "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth.

    You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The chief nodded that it was so.

    The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

    "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

    No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love."

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think He could improve system like that!"

    No complaints from our Lady members, please. Tomorrow is “Ways to Turn Down Men”.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  10. #10
    MembersZone Subscriber Firefighter1219's Avatar
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    A man walks up to a bar and makes a bet with the bartender. He bets the bartender that he can **** in the shot glass at the end of the bar, from where he is standing, and not spill a single drop. The glass is easily 10' away. The bet was for $100.

    The bartender takes the bet and stands and watches the man. The man starts ****ing all over everything including the bar, the seats, the bartenders face, and all over the drinks.

    The man starts to laugh and the bartender him a weird look. The bartender asks why the idiot is laughing, since he just lost $100. The man tells the bartender that he made a bet with 2 guys for $500 a piece that he could not only get away with ****ing on the bar, the seats, the bartender and everything else, but that the bartender would be happy about it!
    TO/EMT CVFD (1219)
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    CPT/EMT MVFD
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    Proud Member of IACOJ
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    9-11-01 Never Forget FDNY 343

  11. #11
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    Default

    Secret method to catch a Polar Bear.

    1. Cut a large hole in the ice.

    2. Sprinkle a packet of frozen peas around the hole.

    3. When the Bear comes up for a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  12. #12
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    **SHAKING HEAD** Aaaawwwww mmmmaaahhh ggggggaaawwwwdddd Kiwi!!!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  13. #13
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    As promised.. one for the ladies in the group.

    Ways to Turn Men Down
    HE:: So, what do you do for a living?
    SHE:: I'm a female impersonator.

    HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
    SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

    HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

    HE:: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
    SHE:: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

    HE:: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
    SHE:: Okay, get out.

    HE:: I think I could make you very happy.
    SHE:: Why? Are you leaving?

    HE:: Can I have your name?
    SHE:: Why? Don't you already have one?

    HE:: Shall we go see a movie?
    SHE:: I've already seen it.

    HE:: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE:: Hiding from you.

    HE:: Haven't I seen you some place before?
    SHE:: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

    HE:: Hey baby, what's your sign?
    SHE:: Do not enter.

    HE:: Your body is like a temple.
    SHE:: Sorry, there are no services today.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  14. #14
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    Default What is Politics?

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
    #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
    #2 Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
    Government.
    #3 We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
    People..
    #4 The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
    #5 And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
    Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said.
    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
    check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
    sound asleep.
    Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
    door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with
    the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
    understand the concept of politics now."
    The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
    think politics is all about."
    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
    while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
    and the Future is in deep s h_ _."

  15. #15
    Forum Member explr985's Avatar
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    Default

    ROFLMAO!!!
    No longer an explorer, but I didn't wanna lose my posts.

    IACOJ 2003

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    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Default And Where Were You Last Night?

    A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.

    As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

    Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

    Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

    "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... ...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  17. #17
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    Default Happy Hour

    A man goes to a bar after work for happy hour with his buddies. After an hour of round after round of shots the man is really drunk and throws up down the front of him. He turns to his buddies and says my wife is going to kill me. His buddy say no problem heres what you do you put 20 dollars in your top pocket and tell your wife the guy next to you did it and gave you the money to pay for dry cleaning. When the man gets home he is greeted by his wife seeing his condition she is furious but he says it wasn't me the guy next to me did it and gave me 20 bucks for dry cleaning. She reaches into his top pocket and pulls out the money. She says there 40 dollars here, he say oh yeah I forgot to tell you he crapped in my pants too!

  18. #18
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    GGGGRRRRROOOOOAAAAAAAANNNNNNN
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  19. #19
    Senior Member hotboy's Avatar
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    Did you here about the blonde college girl who had sex with 25 hispanic guys? Here professor told her that she will have to do 25 essays before the semester is over.
    If we don't do it nobody else will!!!!

  20. #20
    Forum Member zippo99's Avatar
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    How do you tell the difference between democrats, republicans and southern republicans?


    Pose the following question:

    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Democrat's Answer:

    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

    Does the man look poor or Oppressed?

    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think?

    What about the kids?

    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

    Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

    Should I call 9-1-1?

    Why is this street so deserted?

    We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

    This is all so confusing!

    I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Republican's Answer:

    BANG!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Southern Republican's Answer:

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    click....(sounds of reloading).

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

    Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
    Tips??
    *The BOSS rules*

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