Post Easter Funnies

[MalahatTwo7]

Funny Tips for a Happy Marriage
Below are his tips for a happy marriage by Red Skelton, a comedian of a bygone age.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."

10. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

11. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Easter Funnies
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in Here?" "I know" a little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"


THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.

When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five!"


THE BLESSING
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, did you say prayers before eating the Easter meal?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook!"
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"I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?"
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Did You Ever Wonder . . .
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of read do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'Its all right." It isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

[MalahatTwo7]

Here is one more....

[MalahatTwo7]

WHERE O' WHERE HAS MY LITTLE DOG GONE?

[WannabeintheFD]

[MalahatTwo7]

Even as I am ROFLMAO, I am saying "that is just sick!" HEEHEHHEHEEHEHEH

[MalahatTwo7]

What not to say to a Cop #100...

[manofire2]

Here's another Red Skelton gem.

"I'll say one thing about my wifes cooking.....cured that damn dog from begging at the table"