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  1. #41
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    There be no females in my house at all right now. HOWEVER, the "Standing Rule" here is (and has been since I moved away from home) is that the seat AND THE lid are placed and "locked" in the DOWN position. That way everyone is treated equally, and besides, it stops the dog from drinking out of the toilet bowl.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.


  2. #42
    MembersZone Subscriber mohican's Avatar
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    Default jenny, you asked for it!

    Retrosexuals


    Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

    The Code :

    A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

    A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

    A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.


    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

    Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck.

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

    A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride in a snow bank.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land. Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !

  3. #43
    Forum Member cellblock's Avatar
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    Originally posted by manofire2
    ...think of the trauma caused when you visit a house with a femanazi toilet seat cover and it falls down in mid stream and leaves you with visions of your extremeties getting a guilotine effect when the lid crashes down.
    What are you doing that your extremeties would be in the way of the lid when it comes down? Are you kneeling in front of the toilet with your parts resting on the edge of the bowl or something? Even if you are equipted like Ron Jeremy you should not be in danger of getting hit by the seat or lid on an average sized toilet. They may fall and pass through the stream and get soaked but if they hit anything on the way down then you must be in some contorted squating/leaning position.
    Steve
    EMT/Security Officer

  4. #44
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    Default A wise man told me

    My grandaddy said that the best thing, if you can afford it, is to build your wife her own house on the same property. That way, one of you can retreat.

    Grandaddy "Wimmenz make better neighbors than wives"

  5. #45
    Senior Member JenniJ375's Avatar
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    Default PFD...LOL

    Thank you PFD that was ...ummmmmmmmm...enlightening to say the very least...LOL...oh and my name is spelled "JENNI"....nut whp's counting
    ~~Jenni~~
    Canaan Fire Department-Canaan, NH
    "In the end we will conserve only what we love, we will love only what we understand,
    we will understand only what we are taught."
    Baba Dioum, Senegalese Conservationist

  6. #46
    MembersZone Subscriber mohican's Avatar
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    Default Re: PFD...LOL

    Originally posted by JenniJ375
    Thank you PFD that was ...ummmmmmmmm...enlightening to say the very least...LOL...oh and my name is spelled "JENNI"....nut whp's counting
    Jenni with one "i"

    I once had a (blonde) secretary that introduced herself "Hi, I'm Sherri with one "i" "

    I put one of my hands over one of my eyes "Hello Sherri with one EYE, did you have an accident, or how did you end up one eye?"

    she didn't get it at first........

    she quickly became known as "One Eyed Sherri".......

    --------------------------------------



  7. #47
    Senior Member JenniJ375's Avatar
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    LOL pfd....but I didnt say "with one i" did I?? And did ya notice all the typos in my reply?? Sheesh...that will teach me not to edit after I type something
    ~~Jenni~~
    Canaan Fire Department-Canaan, NH
    "In the end we will conserve only what we love, we will love only what we understand,
    we will understand only what we are taught."
    Baba Dioum, Senegalese Conservationist

  8. #48
    Senior Member JenniJ375's Avatar
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    Default A friend sent me this

    A friend sent me this and I think maybe it is too cute NOT to post in here as a reply from some of the guys

    CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS



    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY March. 5th.

    NOTE:
    DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE
    LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.



    Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide
    Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00
    PM.


    Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
    Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


    Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
    Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
    (Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)


    Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
    Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


    Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
    Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
    beginning at 7:00 PM


    Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
    Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and
    Sunday 7:00PM.


    Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right
    places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
    Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


    Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
    Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at
    7:00PM for 2 hours.


    Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


    Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel
    parks?
    Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.


    Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
    Online Classes and role-playing.


    Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
    Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00
    PM.


    Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
    and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
    Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


    Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
    Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be
    determined.







    Upon completion of any of the above courses,
    diplomas will be issued to the survivors
    ~~Jenni~~
    Canaan Fire Department-Canaan, NH
    "In the end we will conserve only what we love, we will love only what we understand,
    we will understand only what we are taught."
    Baba Dioum, Senegalese Conservationist

  9. #49
    Forum Member cellblock's Avatar
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    Maybe there would be less hurt feelings if WOMEN WOULD LEARN TO PEE STANDING UP.
    http://www.restrooms.org/standing.html

  10. #50
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    I'll respond to each item separately.

    1. Why fill ice cube trays, go to your local convenience store and buy a bag of ice. The tray does not hold enough. Better yet drink beer, no ice required.

    2. Any and all things with respect to toilets is womens work (or in my politically incorrect world, rookies work). Please remember this for future reference, it is important.

    3. No it is not possible otherwise the woman and/or rookie would not feel needed. Also see #2.

    4. When floor disapears, laundry needs doing, it is a simple concept.

    5. Paper plates, need I say more.

    6. 2 things women are not genetically programed to operate are TV remotes and barbeques. This is natures doing, don't blame us.

    7. If women didn't put things away we would have no trouble finding anything, it would be there where I left it, like everything else.

    8. Flowers wilt and die and are of no use. Buy her a vacuum cleaner or lawn mower instead. She will feel appreciated and be able to do womens work better.

    9. yeah right, as if.

    10. Yes. Note to file, add driving to #6.

    11. Mother can cook.

    12. Real men don't shop. Period!

    13. Your right about this one, I need help.

    14. One word, microwave. Any other meals, pub food will suffice.


    Please take any and all the above seriously.....really.

  11. #51
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    Talking ready for the flame war?

    How do you know when a woman is saying something intelligent?

    When she prefaces it with "A man once told me........"

  12. #52
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    How many male chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet?


    None, that's womans work.

    Conversely, how many firefighters does it take to clean a toilet?


    None that's rookies work.

  13. #53
    Forum Member ThNozzleman's Avatar
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    4. When floor disapears, laundry needs doing, it is a simple concept.
    No way, man; the top level is usually good to go for at least another week!!!

  14. #54
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    id have to agree with ThNozzleman here... why clean it if it just gets dirty again
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

  15. #55
    Forum Member SmokeyNY's Avatar
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    Ways that men and women are not alike (like we don't know already).
    http://www.baetzler.de/humor/differences_men_women.html

    And classes all women should be mandated to take:
    1. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome:
    You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.


    2. Communication Skills:
    Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

    3. Silence, the Final Frontier:
    Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

    4. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
    Making Deposits.

    5. Parties:
    Going Without New Outfits.

    6. Bathroom Etiquette I:
    Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

    7. Bathroom Etiquette II:
    His Razor Is His.

    8. Valuation:
    Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

    9. Telephone Skills:
    How to Hang Up.

    10. Advanced Parking:
    Reversing Into A Space.

    11. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior:
    Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

    12. Cooking:
    How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

    13. Compliments:
    Accepting Them Gracefully.

    14. Integrating Your Laundry:
    Washing It All Together.

    15. Sex:
    It's For Married Couples Too.

    16. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?":
    Learning Why Men Lie.
    Once an Eagle, always an Eagle.

  16. #56
    Senior Member WannabeintheFD's Avatar
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    "Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out."

    not so true... i love the stooges as much as the next guy

    "To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note."

    Once again, not so true... my handwriting sucks... and my smilie faces go in the notes thank you very much


    i could go on but its too nice outside
    I havent failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.

    - Thomas Edison

  17. #57
    FIREMAN 1st GRADE E40FDNYL35's Avatar
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    Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits......... See if you can spot which of the two is the female. It can be done. Even by one with no skills whatsoever in bird watching.
    ALL GAVE SOME BUT SOME GAVE ALL
    NEVER FORGET 9-11-01
    343
    CAPT. Frank Callahan Ladder 35 *
    LT. John Ginley Engine 40
    FF. Bruce Gary Engine 40
    FF. Jimmy Giberson Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Otten Ladder 35 *
    FF. Steve Mercado Engine 40 *
    FF. Kevin Bracken Engine 40 *
    FF. Vincent Morello Ladder 35
    FF. Michael Roberts Ladder 35 *
    FF. Michael Lynch Engine 40
    FF. Michael Dauria Engine 40

    Charleston 9
    "If my job was easy a cop would be doing it."
    *******************CLICK HERE*****************

  18. #58
    Forum Member ThNozzleman's Avatar
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    Default

    This might help...
    Attached Images Attached Images  

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