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  1. #1
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Need A Smile In The Day?

    ENJOY Y'ALL

    Weekend Funnies

    The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk whatís up.

    "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldnít find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

    "Laxatives wonít cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

    "Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. Heís afraid to cough."


    ***********************

    One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


    ***********************

    A bishop was sitting in a doctor's waiting room when a red-faced and sobbing nun rushed out of the doctor's office. The bishop charged into the office and demanded to know what the doctor had done.

    "I told her she was pregnant," the doctor replied.

    "It couldn't be true," said the outraged bishop. "Why ever would you tell her something like that?"

    "Well, it sure cured her hiccups."
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.


  2. #2
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    Rick was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

    The preacher grabbed Rick by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"


    Rick replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

    Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

    Rick whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
    I.A.C.O.J. Firefighter/EMT-B

    "I'm gonna drill a hole in your skull and pump out all the stupidity"
    Gunny Ermey


    "Never underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"


    Humpty Dumpty was pushed

    Polishing the Chrome on all the IACOJ "apparati"

  3. #3
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    And even then, its only whenever I happen to be in Detroit..........

    I'm sorry that has not been as often as I would like, there Rev.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  4. #4
    Fire Chaplain IACOJRev's Avatar
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    I'm taking names, mister...
    Resident Chaplain of the IACOJ

  5. #5
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    From the Winnipeg Sun:
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  6. #6
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    More papers funnies...
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  7. #7
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    More Fun with Blondes...

    IN A VACUUM

    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


    =================

    FINAL EXAM
    The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

    During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
    ===========

    Job interview Fun Ė Part 2 of 2

    Managers and personnel directors of large corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experiences interviewing prospective employees... Here is what they said:

    - "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

    - "Do I have to dress up for the next interview?"

    - "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"

    - "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

    - "Does your health insurance cover pets?"

    - "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

    - Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

    - I get excited very easily.

    - I am fascinated by fire.

    - I like tall women.

    - Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.

    - I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

    - "Why am I here?"
    ===================
    And Now Something A Little More Serious....

    "Just for this morning..."

    Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

    Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

    Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

    Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny gr! umble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

    Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

    Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

    Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

    Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

    Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

    Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows. Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

    I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.

    And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.......
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  8. #8
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Rex Barkere here again to share a poem sent in by one of our special members. I think you'll agree with me that it puts everything into perspective.

    If you woke up this morning
    with more health than illness,
    you are more blessed than the
    million who won't survive the week.

    If you have never experienced
    the danger of battle,
    the loneliness of imprisonment,
    the agony of torture or
    the pangs of starvation,
    you are ahead of 20 million people
    around the world.

    If you attend a religious meeting
    without fear of harassment,
    arrest, torture, or death,
    you are more blessed than almost
    three billion people in the world.

    If you have food in your refrigerator,
    clothes on your back,a roof over
    your head and a place to sleep,
    you are richer than 75% of this world.

    If you have money in the bank,
    in your wallet, and spare change
    in a dish someplace, you are among
    the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

    If your parents are still married and alive,
    you are very rare, especially in the United States.

    If you hold up your head with a smile
    on your face and are truly thankful,
    you are blessed because the majority can,
    but most do not.

    If you can read this message,
    you are more blessed than over
    two billion people in the world
    that cannot read anything at all.

    This is Rex Barker C.S. (Counting the Special people in my life) saying that we are blessed in ways that we may never even know. If you are feeling blessed, repay the blessings bestowed unto you and do something for others. Have a beautiful day.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  9. #9
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Talking TOOO TIRED?

    Role Reversals
    Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

    But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

    It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

    "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

    "But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

    "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"


    And check out the "New Meaning to Skiing"....
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  10. #10
    MembersZone Subscriber dwwm2c4's Avatar
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    hehehehe
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