Thread: Weekend Funnies

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    Default Weekend Funnies

    Weekend Funnies

    ******** The Three bears *******

    The three bears came back home from a stroll in the forrest only to find their front door open. Cautiously they entered their house. Pappa bear immediately said "Grrrr! Someone's been eating my porridge!"

    Momma bear gruffed "Someone's been eating MY porridge!"

    Suddenly Baby bear shouted, "Never mind the porridge! Someone's stolen my iPod!

    ******** Gray Hair*******

    "I wonder if my husband will love me when my hair turns gray."

    "Why not?" retorted her close friend, "He's already loved you through four other colors."

    ******* Teach a Man to Fish ********

    MENS VERSION:
    Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

    WOMENS VERSION:
    Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish - and you've got the whole weekend to yourself.

    *******Silence ********

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

    "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws"


    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    The Waiter from Microsoft

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

    [Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    [The waiter leaves.]

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

    The check:
    Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
    Access to support . . . . . . . . $157.00
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    *************Why I Am So Tired

    I'm tired.

    For a couple of years I've been blaming it on my iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

    The population of the USA is 237 million.
    104 million are retired.
    That leaves 133 million to do the work.
    There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
    Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
    This leaves 19 million to do the work.
    Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
    Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government
    and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
    There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
    Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

    And you're sitting there reading this.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Time to Get Back to the Basics
    Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

    "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

    About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."


    And for those who "Know" the Malahat Drive.....
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    This is Rex Barker, saying stand up be grateful for your freedom. Below is a piece sent to us about July 4th, American Independence Day.

    Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

    - Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.

    - Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.

    - Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.

    - Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.

    - They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor. What kind of men were they?

    - Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated, but they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

    - Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his Ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags. Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.

    - Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

    - At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt. Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.

    - John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished.

    Most of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't. So, take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

    This is Rex Barker, CS ( Commemorating these patriotic Squires) saying Remember: freedom is never free! {Oh how true that is.... it matters not the country or the flag... only that You are: a PATRIOT! -Stay safe out there!- 27}

    *******************

    Happy 4th of July

    ******** Getting Even *******

    Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher. "Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."
    Whoopi

    ******************************

    ******** Adam and Eve *******
    Adam was returning home late one night when Eve confronted him. "You're seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

    "Don't be silly," he replied. "You're the only woman on Earth."

    Late that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest. "What on Earth are you doing?" he asked Eve.

    "What do you think?" she said. "I'm counting your ribs."
    ******************

    ******* Some Great Truths About Life *******

    1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

    2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

    3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

    4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

    5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

    6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.

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    The Ten Office Commandments

    1. Thou Shalt Have No Other Life Beside Work

    2. Thou Shalt Not Download Any Craven Images

    3. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of The Boss in Vain

    4. Remember the Sabbath Day to Work and Keep it Holy

    5. Honor Thy Punctuality, Non-Disclosure and Termed Non-Compete Agreements

    6. Thou Shalt Not Kill Time

    7. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery On Office Furniture or Equipment yea even unto an intern in the Oval Office

    8. Thou Shalt Not Steal Thy Employer's Yellow Post-It(R)(TM) Notes

    9. Thou Shalt Not Wantonly Xerox(R)(TM) Thy Posterior

    10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Cubicle, Nor His Stapler, Nor His Three-Hole Punch, nor his computer or internet access


    Now who among us can answer "Yes" to anyone of the above?
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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