1. #1
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    Default Advise from Florida...for Florida...

    We have entered the hurricane season. Every day for the next several months, you'll turn on the TV to see a weather person pointing to some
    radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

    (1) There is no need to panic.

    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

    Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

    STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

    STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.

    STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

    We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE

    If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
    two basic requirements:

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
    (2) It is located in Nebraska.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
    would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

    So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
    annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.

    At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Bertha, most Floridians have had an estimated 27 different
    home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

    SHUTTERS

    Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- with this coming hurricane -- all the toilets.
    There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
    them yourself, they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
    your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
    will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
    hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

    HURRICANE-PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY

    As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives from up north, etc.
    You should, as a precaution, throw all these items into your swimming pool(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately this coming weekend). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

    EVACUATION ROUTE

    If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
    The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

    HURRICANE SUPPLIES

    If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them too soon! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

    23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

    Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

    55 gallon drums of underarm deodorant.

    A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

    A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Bertha; after the hurricane, there WILL be
    many irate alligators.)

    $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a small gernerator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain
    slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember: it's great living in Paradise.
    IACOJ Canine Officer
    20/50

  2. #2
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    Ya know, Dal, normally I have a pretty good sense of humor. But I have a feeling that, in light of possibly the third major hurricane to hit FLorida in six weeks, people are not going to see the humor and are going to be offended.

    Perhaps you should delete the post before too many people see it.

  3. #3
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    people are not going to see the humor and are going to be offended.
    Ahhhhhh.......how they going to see Dals post with out any power to run the computers?

    It has been rough for FLA and I have donated $$ Red Cross to help people there, but I got a hard time feeling bad for the few you see on the news thats have no idea Florida could be hit by a hurricanes.

    Good luck though down there.
    I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

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    I received something very similar to this in my email this morning. It was from friends down in Florida. They still have a sense of humor. But George, you still make a valid point.
    "This thread is being closed as it is off-topic and not related to the fire industry." - Isn't that what the Off Duty forum was for?

  5. #5
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    Dal its all good you forgot a few though,
    Keep 3 55 gal drums of gas in yer house fer the generator.
    If you dont have shutters put those visiting yankees in the
    windows (just keep saying "Is that your car fly'n by?" they will
    packaround the window , and most important tatto your dogs so
    when the porch goes flying to the next county you can get them
    back in time for huntin season. Seriously I have a friend that
    just bought a house 2 days before Charlie she cant get insurance
    they wont write policy's with a storm in the "window" what ever
    that is Also dont plan on trading in your truck because they
    wont switch the policy over from the old one either.
    Here in N Fla we have been lucky this year, wind & rain from the
    last 2 but nothing major I have the bad feeling about Ivan Igor
    or what ever his name is. I was out in our old engine, years ago
    when Kate kicked our ***, not a fun place to be. you can feel the
    truck swaying with it parked!!! and I always miss the good huricane
    party running on bs power lines on fire calls.

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    The other two just skimmed our county, we arent going to be so lucky sooner or later.

  7. #7
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    Seriously I have a friend that
    just bought a house 2 days before Charlie she cant get insurance
    they wont write policy's with a storm in the "window" what ever
    that is


    You know, that's part of the problem with the modern mortgage market -- it's great for easy, pretty cheap credit.

    But you gotta believe the old, stodgy bank loan board would've never, ever let someone close on a home they didn't already have insurance in place for!
    IACOJ Canine Officer
    20/50

  8. #8
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    Dal, I do live in Florida and I am not offended but that might be because the 2 magor storms left my area alone. Unfortunatly it looks like the third time might be the charm. I hope not. Friends in Daytona still out of power after the last one. So I am praying that Ivan the Terrible goes away quickly.

  9. #9
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    Here in Marion County:

    charlie: just sent rain

    frances: skimmed us w/ 40-50mph winds, downed PL and only 4 reported condemned houses. power out from 3-5 days max. cable in and out..

    ivan: probably MAJOR MAJOR destruction...i don't feel so good about this one either.

    working at the hospital, they are telling us to bring clothes and linen b/c we will probably be staying over night-few days.

  10. #10
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    They way Ivan looks now is that it might come to west Florida and or the Panhandle. If it comes ashore near where I live, my county will be devestated. I'm pretty sure that most homes around here aren't hurricane-ready. I hope my fire station doesn't blow away...
    TO/EMT CVFD (1219)
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