1. #1
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    Talking Police Bust Doughnut Smugglers

    Well, I swore when I first started college that I wouldn't be one of those people who saved everything until the last minute and stayed up all night studying during finals week...WELL, HERE I AM, at 2 A.M., throwing back the coffee, studying for my Police Operations final, and I was just thinking about how ironic that is...throwing back the coffee and studying police ops...hmmmm...okay so my mind is wondering a bit...but ANYWAY...I was thinking about what my professor said a while back.

    "Hey Courtney, you're a firefighter, right?"
    "Yes," I said. I could see where it was going, so I added, "I'm too strong to be a cop."
    Then I got, "Yep, strong enough to be a firefighter, but not smart enough to be a cop!"

    Hehe...then I told him about "Blue Canaries" and how we use them at haz-mat calls... ANYWAY...in my wondering state of mind, I was inclined to look for some more cracks on our friends in blue, and here's what I found:

    Police Bust Black Market Doughnut Smuggling Operation

    Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on November 4, 2003

    from the step-away-from-the-truckload-of-doughnuts dept.

    OZORA, MO -- In what has been described as the "largest, most successful operation in the history of the DEA" (Doughnut Enforcement Agency), law enforcement officers yesterday intercepted and confiscated a shipment of illegal black market doughtnuts with an estimated street value of over $50,000.

    "It's always good when a plan comes together and we can prevent another batch of illegal pastries from entering the black market," explained DEA official Obie Yees. "These babies are going straight to the evidence locker," he said while patting his belly.

    After receiving an anonymous tip, DEA agents pulled over a tractor-trailer just south of the Ozora exit on I-55. In the back, officers found boxes upon boxes of Crispy Dream(tm) doughnuts straight from the dealer in St. Louis.

    The driver and his companion were arrested for suspicion of carrying second-hand doughnuts across county lines with the intent to distribute without a business license or a health department permit. They are being held on $100,000 bond in Ste. Genevieve.

    "We know their game," Agent Yees said. "They drive up to St. Louis and bring back the 'knobs and then sell them on the black market in Cape or Perryville. There's plenty of folks addicted to 'Crispy Dream' products that will pay top-dollar for imported doughnuts. The problem is that reselling them without the proper permits is highly illegal."

    Last month, 15 people were busted for attempting to buy illicit doughnuts offered by undercover agents during the SEMO Homecoming parade. Despite the arrests, the demand for black market doughnuts continues to soar.

    "The real criminals are the people preventing Crispy Dream from opening an outlet in Southeast Missouri," explained one doughnut-obsessed Cape Girardeau resident. "This doughnut piracy problem could be easily solved if only we could buy fresh pastries straight from the source without resorting to the black market."

    The DEA's operation comes on the heels of a new study which finds that the number of people suffering from SPA, or "severe pastry addiction", has doubled during each of the last ten years.

    "This is a troubling problem," explained the study's author, Dr. Jel E. Field. "We're already fat and lazy enough as it is without the additional burden of what I call 'suburban meth' -- doughnuts and other unhealthy but highly addictive pastry products..."

    Dr. Field has a personal interest in the rising scourge of doughnut dependency. "My brother suffered from a 'three-box-a-day habit' and eventually relocated to a bigger city just to be closer to his favorite doughnut shop. Last year he almost died after overdosing during a buy-one-get-one-free-box promotion. He hasn't been the same since."

    While the occasional doughnut splurge is normal, people suffering from a more severe doughnut addiction should be referred to a specialist and possibly a de-sugaring treatment center. "Severe doughnut addiction can be a gateway to more dangerous foods, such as cakes, pies, and oversized novelty chocolate bars. Friends don't let friends overdo doughnuts."

    DEA Agent Obie Yees echoed a similar sentiment. "Doughnuts might be the most delicious food product ever developed during the history of mankind, but that doesn't mean you can let your guard down. Always practice safe pastry buying habits."

    www.thecaperock.com

    IACOJ

    "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap it if we do not lose heart."

  2. #2
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    Thumbs up I like this one even better...

    Heh...I love it!!


    Newsflash: Michael Moore Is Actually A Republican!

    Fake News written by Martha Throebeck on November 10, 2004

    from the it-all-makes-sense-to-me-now dept.

    LEFT COAST -- In a shocking statement, liberal darling Michael Moore admitted that he is actually a closet Republican that secretly worked to elect George Dubya Bush while making millions of dollars in the process.

    "Liberals are such sheep," Moore wrote in a post to his website. "They fell all over themselves to give me money to watch my latest propaganda film, little realizing that my hate-Bush, anti-American work would actually drive up turnout among Republicans during the election and put Bush over the top. Mwahahahahaha!"

    He added, "Conservatives have always strived for the American Dream, and that's what I've done. I earned millions of dollars fair and square by providing a message that so many Hollywood elitists wanted to hear. It's quite a racket: Democrats give me money for a campaign that actually helps Republicans get elected. And in the end I get to take advantage of Bush's tax cuts!"

    Political pundits were aghast at the revelation. "Moore is one of them? What about Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, P.Diddy... are they all secret Republicans planted by Karl Rove in a fiendish plot for world domination? Say it ain't so!"

    "I can't believe we were hornswoggled by this mugwump," said a belligerent Dan Rather of the SeeBS Evening News. "Bush had an electoral victory that was thinner than turnip soup and shakier than cafeteria Jell-O. Kerry could easily have won this thing and sent the cows home happy! But no, Michael Moore had to go and change everything. I'm madder than a rained-on rooster and I don't know whether to sell the double-wide or bark at the moon..."

    Many people in the 'red' states agreed that Michael Moore's actions helped Bush win. "I didn't really like Bush or Kerry, but the last thing I wanted was four years of gloating by clueless Hollywood peacemongers and white-flag-waving French snobs," said one swing voter. "If the Democrat Party has friends like this, who needs enemies?"

    Moore had intended to keep up his charade for the next four years and crank out more propaganda films to seperate even more fools from their money. However, he simply couldn't maintain his cover much longer. "It takes a certain level of insanity to act like a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth liberal all the time," he said. "I just didn't have another fours years in me."
    IACOJ

    "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap it if we do not lose heart."

  3. #3
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    Clean out your dam PM box! Had a really good long sweet message for you and it got deleted.


    Miss ya BB

    CB
    I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

  4. #4
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    Red face

    Sorry...I keep everything...it's a bad habit. I deleted some of them.
    IACOJ

    "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap it if we do not lose heart."

  5. #5
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    Now thats some funny stuff, thanks for the laugh!

  6. #6
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    Originally posted by stm4710
    Clean out your dam PM box! Had a really good long sweet message for you and it got deleted.


    Miss ya BB

    CB

    Was it sweet like a fresh doughnut? Or was it just a second-hand counterfeit?
    IAFF-IACOJ PROUD

  7. #7
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    WELL, HERE I AM, at 2 A.M., throwing back the coffee, studying for my Police Operations final,
    Why study... sounds like you already have police ops mastered

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