1. #1
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    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Mar 2002
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.

    Talking ABBOTT and COSTELLO Buy A Computer

    This is likely older than "dirt", but thats ok....

    " You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:


    ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and
    4. Can I watch them?

    ABBOTT: Of course.

    COSTELLO: Great! With what?

    ABBOTT: Real One.

    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1".

    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

    COSTELLO: It is?

    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START"......
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  2. #2
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    RyanEMVFD's Avatar
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    Oct 1999
    Why? It's not like you're going to visit me! But I'm near Waco, Texas


    As the famous words from one of the medics around here, "That's funny to me."
    NREMT-P\ Reserve Volunteer Firefighter\Reserve Police Officer
    IACOJ Attack

    Experts built the Titanic, amateurs built the Ark.

  3. #3
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    Dave1983's Avatar
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    Oct 2003
    Gator Country


    A new age "whos on first"
    Fire Marshal/Safety Officer


    "No his mind is not for rent, to any god or government"
    RUSH-Tom Sawyer

    Success is when skill meets opportunity
    Failure is when fantasy meets reality

  4. #4
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    DeputyChiefGonzo's Avatar
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    Aug 2000
    Somewhere between genius and insanity!


    Rick... I go through that almost every duty tour trying to explain how to do a report for a few individuals who aren't computer literate!

    Thanks for the laugh!
    ‎"The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
    Lt. Ray McCormack, FDNY

  5. #5
    Sr. Information Officer
    NJFFSA16's Avatar
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    Aug 2001
    25 NW of the GW

    Talking Ah......they don't make 'em like Abbott and Costello any more

    And for those of you in the X generation and beyond......I thought I'd post the original bit. I make no apologies for the length...it's well worth it.
    Who's On First
    Performed by "Abbott &Costello"

    Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team.
    Costello: Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the players.
    Abbott: I certainly do.
    Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
    Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
    Costello: You mean funny names?
    Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
    Costello: His brother Daffy
    Abbott: Daffy Dean...
    Costello: And their French cousin.
    Abbott: French?
    Costello: Goofe'
    Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
    Costello: That's what I want to find out.
    Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
    Costello: Are you the manager?
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
    Abbott: Well I should.
    Costello: Well then who's on first?
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: The guy on first.
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: The first baseman.
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: The guy playing...
    Abbott: Who is on first!
    Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
    Abbott: That's the man's name.
    Costello: That's who's name?
    Abbott: Yes.
    Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
    Abbott: That's it.
    Costello: That's who?
    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
    Abbott: Certainly.
    Costello: Who's playing first?
    Abbott: That's right.
    Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
    Abbott: Every dollar of it.
    Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: The guy that gets...
    Abbott: That's it.
    Costello: Who gets the money...
    Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
    Costello: Who's wife?
    Abbott: Yes.


    Abbott: What's wrong with that?
    Costello: All I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: The guy.
    Abbott: Who.
    Costello: How does he sign...
    Abbott: That's how he signs it.
    Costello: Who?
    Abbott: Yes.


    Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
    Abbott: No. What is on second base.
    Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who's on first.
    Costello: One base at a time!
    Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.tello: I'm not changing nobody!
    Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
    Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
    Abbott: That's right.
    Costello: Ok.
    Abbott: Alright.


    Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
    Abbott: No. What is on second.
    Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who's on first.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
    Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
    Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
    Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
    Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
    Costello: What's on base?
    Abbott: What's on second.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Abbott: He's on third.
    Costello: There I go, back on third again!


    Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
    Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
    Costello: Now who's playing third base?
    Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
    Costello: What am I putting on third.
    Abbott: No. What is on second.
    Costello: You don't want who on second?
    Abbott: Who is on first.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Together: Third base!


    Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
    Abbott: Sure.
    Costello: The left fielder's name?
    Abbott: Why.
    Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
    Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
    Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
    Abbott: Who's playing first.
    Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
    Abbott: No, What is on second.
    Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
    Abbott: Who's on first!
    Costello: I don't know.
    Together: Third base!


    Costello: The left fielder's name?
    Abbott: Why.
    Costello: Because!
    Abbott: Oh, he's center field.


    Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
    Abbott: Sure.
    Costello: The pitcher's name?
    Abbott: Tomorrow.
    Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
    Abbott: I'm telling you now.
    Costello: Then go ahead.
    Abbott: Tomorrow!
    Costello: What time?
    Abbott: What time what?
    Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
    Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
    Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
    Abbott: What's on second.
    Costello: I don't know.
    Together: Third base!


    Costello: Gotta a catcher?
    Abbott: Certainly.
    Costello: The catcher's name?
    Abbott: Today.
    Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
    Abbott: Now you've got it.
    Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.


    Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
    Abbott: So they tell me.
    Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
    Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
    Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!


    Abbott: That's all you have to do.
    Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
    Abbott: Yes!
    Costello: Now who's got it?
    Abbott: Naturally.


    Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: Who?
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: Naturally?
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
    Abbott: No you don't you throw the ball to Who.
    Costello: Naturally.
    Abbott: That's different.
    Costello: That's what I said.
    Abbott: Your not saying it...
    Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
    Abbott: You throw it to Who.
    Costello: Naturally.
    Abbott: That's it.
    Costello: That's what I said!
    Abbott: You ask me.
    Costello: I throw the ball to who?
    Abbott: Naturally.
    Costello: Now you ask me.
    Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
    Costello: Naturally.
    Abbott: That's it.
    Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
    Abbott: What?
    Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
    Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

    Proudly serving as the IACOJ Minister of Information & Propoganda!
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  6. #6
    Forum Member
    nmfire's Avatar
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    Nov 2002
    Maryland (DC Suburb)


    Abbot and Costello is LONG before my time (I guess I'm the GenX you were talking about?). However, I do have the unfortunate take of computer and network management for our firehouse and I'm the resident computer geek in the office at work too. I help a lot of people from both work & the FD with their own personal computer problems on the side as well. I guess I'm the tech support guy that doesn't get paid for it (and I haven't been outsourced to India).

    With that in mind, I'm 23 and I find that hillarious. I can really picture some people I have encountered having that conversation. I can also picture the cynical side of me doing that to someone intentionally. In fact, I might just try that some time.
    Even the burger-flippers at McDonald's probably have some McWackers.

  7. #7
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    firenresq77's Avatar
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    Oct 2000
    Northwest Ohio


    Classic Abbott and Costello......... I like the Modernized version, too!!
    The comments made by me are my opinions only. They DO NOT reflect the opinions of my employer(s). If you have an issue with something I may say, take it up with me, either by posting in the forums, emailing me through my profile, or PMing me through my profile.
    We are all adults so there is no need to act like a child........

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