The Hand of God
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, and Canada."
:D I just couldn't resist :D
My buddy FDMHBozz isn't going to like this one.....
A flatlander and a cheesehead are walking along the beach arguing over which state is better. Oh course, the cheesehead talked about the beautiful rolling contryside, the lakes, rivers, and streams, and all the pristine natural habitat. The flatlander talked about the miles and miles of flat, fertile farmland, the jobs, the City. Finally, one of them kicked up a lamp. Of course, one the meatheads rubbed it, and a genie popped out.
"You knckleheads are the four ones to rub me today. I'm tired of this crap. You both get one wish only." He points to the cheesehead, "You go first." The cheeshead looks at his flatlander companion and says, "I can get anything?" The genie replies, "Anything."
"Then I want you to build me a wall, fifty feet high, all around the State of Wisconsin. I don't want ANYTHING to be able to get in."
The genie says, "Done. Nothing will get through this wall. Your turn," he says, and turns to the flatlander.
"So, this wall you just built for my friend," he begins, "it's fifty feet high?"
"Yes," says the genie.
"And nothing can get in or out?"
"Yes," says the genie.
"Okay, fill it with water."
Hmmmm... ya know Tim, I was considering a visit through Michigan on my travels east this summer............ mmmmmmm perhaps a
DEEE-TOUR AROUND Dee-Troit might be in effect! Wouldn't wanna contaminate such a paradise now would we? :D :D :D
Not to be too critical, but He might have done a little better on the ROADS.
A successful Human Resources Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Soon afterwards, St. Peter met her soul at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, we have a little problem. You see, strangely enough, no Human Resources Manager has ever made it this far before and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. You're to spend a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose the one you like more."
"Actually, I've made up my mind, want to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"I'm sorry, but He has decided..." and with that St. Peter put the woman in an elevator and it carried her down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and later enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a lovely guy and she had a great time laughing and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up and opened again at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down back into Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags, starving and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
The farmer's donkey died so he phoned the local council to tell them.
"It's got nothing to do with us," he was told, "you'll have to bury it yourself".
"I know that," the farmer replied, "I'm just making sure his relatives know there's been a death in the family."