1. #1
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    Angry I need some advice to help a friend with a situation...

    I need some advice from ya'll. A friend of mine is kinda having an issue with some of her neighbors. One of them lives next door to her and the other is another resident of her complex that visits her next-door-neighbor all the time. Here lately they seem to think that they own her, asking her where she'scoming from or whereshe's going, and one of them has made some slightly lewd comments here and there. I'm trying to figure out a way to get them to stop, without getting the cops involved. The situation has not gotten to the point where she needs to get the cops involved, but she's getting uncomfortable with it and she wants to put it to a stop before she needs to get the police involved. She's tried being polite and using tact, but it's not working. Any ideas?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ok in the unedited version of my post I said I was having a situation.....why I put that I don't know (probably from working a longer than normal shift and lack of sleep).

    This is the problem that a friend of mine is dealing with. She's not the type to stand up for herself or to be assertive. She and I feel that this is getting out of hand, but neither of us is sure what to do. I'm worried and she's worried. Any advice that you could give is greatly appreciated.
    Last edited by medicchick; 04-18-2005 at 09:01 PM.
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    Default Easy...

    The best offensive is a good defense. Next time someone
    asks you where youre going and it none of their business, tell
    them directly, but nicely, "Thats none of your business".

    Or if your Bou, add in the wording "f-ing". It really brings
    adds a touch. I like it.

    Then it should stop. Next?

    -Bou
    Last edited by CALFFBOU; 04-19-2005 at 01:53 AM.

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    I'm sorry.
    I thought you were looking for advice on how to get on a fire department or something like that.
    Nevermind.
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    Stop being nice. A well placed "bite me" or some other term may do the trick
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    I have to agree w/ BOU here. Try being nice, ask them is their writing a book, if they say yes, well tell them to leave that chapter out. Childish?, Yes. But you're being nice and they should get the point. If they persist, well tell them IT'S NONE OF THIER F"ING BUSINESS AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

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    Why respond at all? There's no law that says she has to answer ANY question they ask. Just go in, walk by, unlock the door and enter her own apt. Ignoring and silence send powerful signals, if you are dealing with a persistant sort it may be difficult but not impossible, eventually they'll get the hint.
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    Default Re: I need some advice to help a friend with a situation...

    Originally posted by medicchick


    Here lately they seem to think that they own her, asking her where she'scoming from or whereshe's going, and one of them has made some slightly lewd comments here and there. I'm trying to figure out a way to get them to stop, without getting the cops involved. The situation has not gotten to the point where she needs to get the cops involved, but she's getting uncomfortable with it and she wants to put it to a stop before she needs to get the police involved.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    She and I feel that this is getting out of hand, but neither of us is sure what to do. I'm worried and she's worried.
    ATTENTION MEDICCHICK!: In your first post you say things like, they feel like they "own" her(which really means SHE feels like they own her) and you claim, "The situation has not gotten to the point where she needs to get the cops involved" YES IT HAS!
    You do not provide many details, such as, if the abuser is male or another female, why this is happening, how long has this been going on or if this is something that has continued to escalate, BUT, then you write that you feel it's getting out of hand and you are both worried. If you feel threatened enough to be worried, then it is in your best interest to notify the police, NOW!

    Please do yourselves a favor and at least file a report before this gets physical! Also, maybe the police can offer better advice than what you get here.

    Three possible options come to mind:
    1.Move out
    2.File a restraining order
    3.Not do anything and suffer the consequences
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    Ok, after reading this and sorting it out it comes down to this....

    Your friends nieghbors ask her where she is going. And one of them made a "slightly" rude comment.

    This isnt a criminal issue! What do you want me to cite/ arrest them for? Talking to her? Makeing a rude comment? Fine them for violating the sticks and stones ordinance. Where in my ticket book is a box for talking to people?


    IGNORE THEM!!! Tell them nicely to stop harraseing you.
    If that dont work threaten them with a restraining order, that usally ends it.
    And if that doesnt work( they must not get it) get a restraining order........then we can do something.

    Thats just my advice, take it or leave it.
    PS
    Just curious why your friend is so anxious to keep the police out of this? For the same reasons I just mentioned or something else.........
    I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

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    AND THESE......ARE........THE DAYS.........OF OUR...........LIVES!!
    Sorry - couldnt resist!
    -I have learned people will forget what you said,
    -People will forget what you did,
    -But people will never forget how you made them feel!

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    Default Yo...

    Nothing gets the jojb done better and feels as good as a
    plain old "None of your f-ing business."

    Just lay it down, straight up! (I say it to Mini-Me all the
    time)

    -Bou
    Last edited by CALFFBOU; 04-19-2005 at 12:09 PM.

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    Kiwi style Restraining Order.
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    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Medicchick,
    I must recommend to you (and your friend) an excellent book written by a man named Gavin DeBecker called "The Gift Of Fear". Within this book, he discusses how feeling uncomfortable is usually a warning signal, and that these signals need to be acted upon immediately. "Slightly lewd" comments can be a cheap wake up call to more dangerous behavoiur. Without knowing what exactly transpired, I can't say whether the police are indicated here, but Mr. DeBecker suggests that your first move should be to let the subjects know that their behaviour is unwelcome. Do this politely at first, as in "Why do you ask?", but if they do not take the hint immediately, escalate your response dramatically. Skip over several of the usual social steps ("I'm not comfortable sharing so much information with you...") and go directly to a firm "That's none of your business. Leave me alone." People (men particularly)who refuse to respect boundaries are dangerous. They will not hesistate to escalate their behaviour if they get the idea that your friend is "easy pickings". If these guys (I assume they're guys?) are just creepy losers who think they're funny, they'll get the hint. If they're something worse, they will have learned that your friend is not some timid thing whom they can bully, and their response to her response will tell her something.

    Don't hesitate to involve the police if your friend feels in any way threatened. They may not be able to do much, but they should be given the opportunity to evaluate the threat posed.

    Please take no risks when it come to personal safety!!

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    Just tell your friend to let them know she does not have to check in and out with them and she should talk to the landlord. Instead of being "controlling neighbors" maybe they're looking for a good time to break in her apartment.

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    Originally posted by 50FFEMT
    Medicchick,
    I must recommend to you (and your friend) an excellent book written by a man named Gavin DeBecker called "The Gift Of Fear". Within this book, he discusses how feeling uncomfortable is usually a warning signal, and that these signals need to be acted upon immediately. "Slightly lewd" comments can be a cheap wake up call to more dangerous behavoiur.



    People (men particularly)who refuse to respect boundaries are dangerous. They will not hesistate to escalate their behaviour if they get the idea that your friend is "easy pickings".



    Don't hesitate to involve the police if your friend feels in any way threatened. They may not be able to do much, but they should be given the opportunity to evaluate the threat posed.

    Please take no risks when it come to personal safety!!
    HELLO!!! They have already indicated that they feel threatened! And I can almost guarantee these guys(or girls!) are looking for trouble and any response like, "It's none of your F***ing business" will make things worse. Even if I'm completely wrong here, why risk it? If nothing else, go down to your closest police station and talk to someone about what you should do.
    Caffeine is the key to motivation!

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    Originally posted by Fire2123
    Instead of being "controlling neighbors" maybe they're looking for a good time to break in her apartment.
    ANOTHER reason why it is time for the police to be aware of the situation.
    Caffeine is the key to motivation!

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    If she feels that threatend and feels it is a immediate danger to her life or well being, goto the police station and file and emergency protection order. The EPO will only be in effect till a judge reveiws it and either endorses it and makes it an ex parte order or denies it. The ex parte order will be in effect until your hearing.

    Then you will have to go to court and a Judge will decide if there cause to grant a permanent order or deny it. Until you have an EPO or sustained order there isnt much the police department can do.

    The best thing she can do right now is keep a written log with times, dates,witnesses, actors and what was said as well as any police reports. Present it to the judge as evidence. Also use the advocates the court has avalible since they do this day in, day out.

    In the event an order is granted be sure to give copys to people like your land lord and if you work in a public place like a mall to your employer.



    This is GENERALLY what happens. Check your local and state laws.
    I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

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    The situation is taken care of. She stood her ground and told them to back off and to mind their own business. I guess it worked, she told me when she got home from work today that she walked right by and they didn't say a word.

    She blew things out of porportion some when she first told me what was going on. There weren't lewd comments involved, she got overly offended at something minor (I can't even remember what it was now).

    She works odd shifts, some days, some nights, and the hours vary, so it's hard for someone to figure out when she'll be home and when she won't, plus she's getting a roomate (who happens to be a burly male) who's gonna be working opposite shifts so there will always be someone home.

    Thanks for the advice guys.
    All of the above comments are solely mine and not those of anyone else.

    Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.

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    Originally posted by medicchick


    She blew things out of porportion some when she first told me what was going on. There weren't lewd comments involved, she got overly offended at something minor (I can't even remember what it was now).

    Surely you jest.
    I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

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    I agree with the above if she feels that she is in danger. She needs to let the building manager know and they need to inform the police. Not to say get them arrested but just so if anything does happen she had let some one know.(like a break in)

    That and if they bother you DONT TALK TO THEM! I know its not the nice thing to do but if they dont take the hint with you being nice about it or ignoring them be down right rude. Im sure they will catch on at that point.
    Rath De Ort

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    Default Me again...

    Bou to those neighbors- "None of your f-ing business, ok?!?"

    Done, next, thank you.

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    Originally posted by medicchick
    The situation is taken care of.

    For now.

    She stood her ground and told them to back off and to mind their own business. I guess it worked, she told me when she got home from work today that she walked right by and they didn't say a word.

    I'm glad she stood her ground and didn't get hurt.

    She blew things out of porportion some when she first told me what was going on. There weren't lewd comments involved, she got overly offended at something minor (I can't even remember what it was now).

    [size=huge]Out of proportion some[/size]? You can't even remember what it was now? WTF? Are you kidding me? If I was your attorney I would be pulling my hair out of my head right now!!! Now I know how cops must feel. Or better yet, how some guy must feel, who is accused of something he never did or said!!! You really should get your story straight!

    She works odd shifts, some days, some nights, and the hours vary, so it's hard for someone to figure out when she'll be home and when she won't, plus she's getting a roomate (who happens to be a burly male) who's gonna be working opposite shifts so there will always be someone home.
    Well isn't that just special?

    Thanks for the advice guys.

    You're welcome--- BUT NEXT TIME, GET [size=huge]ALL[/size] THE FACTS [SIZE=huge] BEFORE [/size] YOU ASK FOR ADVICE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Have you ever heard of the story of the boy who cried wolf?
    Last edited by RESERVE172; 04-23-2005 at 05:29 PM.
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    Hey, I had a feeling she was BSing me and I kept pushing her for the truth but she was insisting...................this girl has WAY too much drama in her life.

    Sorry I drug ya'll up in it.
    All of the above comments are solely mine and not those of anyone else.

    Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.

    Some see the glass as half-empty, some see it as half-full, I just wonder who in the H#$* is drinking my beer!!

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    Oh; so someone over reacted and it was much ado about nothing?
    Well, who woulda thunk it?
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