For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as judge at a chili
cook-off. Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy *****, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
*****-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
b!tch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
Judge # 3 -- I ***** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ***** with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like ***** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
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Results 1 to 10 of 10
05-06-2005, 09:57 AM #1
Texas chile cook-off judge wantedJim
September 11, 2001 - NEVER FORGET!
BETTER TO DIE ON YOUR FEET THAN LIVE ON YOUR KNEES!
05-06-2005, 10:34 PM #2
That, my friend, is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever read. Thanks for a great laugh!
lo que sea, cuando sea, donde sea"lo que sea, cuando sea, donde sea"
J. Reeves FF/NREMT
05-06-2005, 11:26 PM #3
In the cold weather months here in New England, my wife willl whip up a batch of chili for me to bring to the firehouse. She actually makes two batches.. one for the guys who think the chili is hot, and then the batch for me... who thinks that batch one is about as hot as an ice cream sundae..."The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
Lt. Ray McCormack, FDNY
05-07-2005, 05:59 AM #4
My step dad is Indian (hes been my dad since i was about one and i regularly convince stupid people that he is in fact my real dad and i just took after my mum because his genes were recessive)
He likes spicy food, his family likes spicy food (the ones that i know anyway, a lot of them dont talk to him because he married a white lady)
And guess what, i can eat spicier food then he can! Chilli is nothing when you compare it to 'Cili Padi' (Dwarf red chillis)
So if anyone wants to challenge me to a Chilli eating competition, feel free to send me some airline tickets (i have always wanted to go to the US)"There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."
For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.
05-07-2005, 08:47 AM #5
Oh its funny, but its been posted here several timesFire Marshal/Safety Officer
"No his mind is not for rent, to any god or government"
Success is when skill meets opportunity
Failure is when fantasy meets reality
05-09-2005, 12:01 AM #6
If you like hot sauce try this - http://www.firegirl.com/1331-02.html this stuff will take the paint off of the house. I bought a jar to take to the fire station. We all passed the bottle around laughing our *****es of as each other tried it. One guy got it on his hand and accidently smeared it on his face. He had burn marks for approx. 3 days on his hand and around his lips. This stuff is no doubt the hottest stuff I've ever tried. There is only one hotter sauce and that is Blair's 6AM. That register's at 16 million scoville units. The sauce that we tried was 7.1 million units. A jalepeno ranks at a meer 5,000 units. If you want a good laugh or just plain like hot stuff you need to give this stuff a try. Read the comments on the webpage....
05-09-2005, 01:16 PM #7
- Join Date
- Apr 2005
Indeed that is probably one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Sent the link around the office and everyone is cracking up. Thanks for the laugh.
05-10-2005, 12:30 PM #8
As a native Texan, and one who has been to many a Chili Cookoff I found this very funny (again, have read this before) Thanks for the reminder of this great Chili Cook-off story. I am sure there have been some Chili-Samplers who felt the very same way. I myself enjoy a very spicy bowl of red.A "Good" fire is not measured by how big it is, but by the fact that everyone is going home safe, and that we possibly learned something new about firefighting. Member:IACOJ
05-12-2005, 12:18 AM #9
- Join Date
- May 2004
- Eastern Central Kansas
I got that in an email about a week ago. Laughed my self out of my seat.FF I
The light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarly shut off due to the current work load. The Mangement
When all else fails USE DUCT-TAPE!!!
My views posted in this fourm are my personal views only and do not reflect on any agencies that I am afiliated with.
05-12-2005, 10:23 AM #10
- Join Date
- Nov 2004
LOL thats great!!!!
I moved back east in the fall and was living in San Antonio for a year before that. I definately attended the Rodeo and the chili cook off.I love Texas those poeple celebrate everything fruit, vegitables, animals, you name it they celebrate it (Niosa, Fiesta, Peanut Festival, Watermelon Festival, Strawberry Festival, the list goes on)definately makes for a good time. However I noticed they thought I was crazy when I wanted to put beans in the chili.
That was great thanks for the laugh.Rath De Ort
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