Thread: Qantas

  1. #1
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    PattyV's Avatar
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    Default Qantas

    Source: www.collegehumour.com
    After every flight, Qantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
    actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the
    solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
    accident.

    (P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
    descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    I kinda wonder if these are real or not, though i wouldnt put it past some Australians.
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

  2. #2
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    Dave1983's Avatar
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    Default

    That's some funny stuff. I really like the last one
    Fire Marshal/Safety Officer

    IAAI-NFPA-IAFC/VCOS-Retired IAFF

    "No his mind is not for rent, to any god or government"
    RUSH-Tom Sawyer

    Success is when skill meets opportunity
    Failure is when fantasy meets reality

  3. #3
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    Good for a quick laugh........ Thanks..
    The comments made by me are my opinions only. They DO NOT reflect the opinions of my employer(s). If you have an issue with something I may say, take it up with me, either by posting in the forums, emailing me through my profile, or PMing me through my profile.
    We are all adults so there is no need to act like a child........
    IACOJ

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    I've seen this list before, and it's absolutely hillirious. definately one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
    If my basic HazMat training has taught me nothing else, it's that if you see a glowing green monkey running away from something, follow that monkey!

    FF/EMT/DBP

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    Default some more problems

    Problem: "Smoke in cabin."
    Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."

    Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
    Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."

    Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
    Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."

    Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
    Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to turn."

    Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground."
    Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller)."

    Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
    Solution: "Turn up the volume."

    Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."
    Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."

    Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
    Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

    Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
    Solution: "Evidence removed."

    Problem #1: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
    Solution #1: #2 Propeller seepage normal.
    Problem #2: #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
    Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

    Problem: "Roaches in galley."
    Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"

    Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
    Solution: "No cat this station."

    Problem :"UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
    Solution: " Found short between the headphones."

    Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
    Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."

    Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
    Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."

    Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
    Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."

    Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
    Solution: "Green suit needs to up his weaties intake."
    If my basic HazMat training has taught me nothing else, it's that if you see a glowing green monkey running away from something, follow that monkey!

    FF/EMT/DBP

  6. #6
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    Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
    i like that one the most.
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

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