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Thread: Married life

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    Default Married life

    I've been married now for three years. For the last year, i have not been happy while my wife seems to be. My day job offers free help so I decided to take advantage of it. Should I tell my wife about this or just wait and see what the counselor says. It will be just me seeing the counselor. The thing that is hard about all this is I have a three year old girl and a one year old boy that I love dearly and don't want to hurt them. Just wondering if I should tell her or not.

    Thanks.


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    Forum Member FFTide's Avatar
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    Something I've learned only recently, and though I'm only dating seriously (I'm 27), transparency and truthfulness is the most important aspect of a relationship. And yes I do believe withholding information is a form of lying too. What is it that bothers you about her, have you told her? Are you afraid too? Being honest is most important, only then can trust flourish.

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    If you are upset to the point that you are seeking counseling (which is a good move by the way) you should probably consider involving your wife. She'll need to know you're unhappy if she's going to do anything about it. Who knows, maybe there are things she'd like to discuss with you too. Good Luck, Bro.

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    FFTide

    It's weird how a guy can have enough courage to enter a burning building or an unkown material, yet not be brave enough to tell his wife something. There is a little about her that bothers me and I think she knows that. I think alot of it is me. We met when I was 19 and married when I was 21. She neglected to tell me about the first pregnancy untill after we were married. The following she does not know: I strongly believe that she stopped taking her birth control so she could become pregnant with our second child, even though I had told her that I wanted to wait. I sit and watch all the single guys at the fire house and start to regret getting married at such a young age. There is not another woman in my life, she is married now, so even if I wanted her to be in my life, it would not happen.

    It is things like this that I find hard to tell her.

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    My advice-See the counselor first. You're not fooling around or anything, so there's no urgent need to confess. The counselor will really help you to clarify the issues in your mind so that you can better express them to your wife later. I don't see any point in going to your wife first before you get the chance to get some things off your chest. Better to get some feedback from an objective observer (the counselor) on how to approach the whole situation. After that, I'd highly recommend the marriage counseling. It's up to you, though. I'm just telling you how it worked for my husband and me awhile back. Good luck.

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    Being married early is not necessarily bad. I married at 21, my wife was 19. We've been together 13 years, we now have four kids, and I love it. We've been to counseling to help ourselves get through some stuff, and it was worth it - but get a reliable referral to a counselor.

    She may want to help you if you'd only tell her what is wrong. She may hold it against you for not telling her. It doesn't matter that she held stuff back from you before. Two wrongs don't make a right, and being hurtful, hiding things or slapping back for past mistakes sure isn't going to help anything. Take the high road and be as honest as possible.

    And for what it is worth, I see the life the single guys around me have and don't miss it at all! Yuck! No thanks!
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    Forum Member reeveo's Avatar
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    Default Good advice here...

    Originally posted by kentbwj
    My advice-See the counselor first. Better to get some feedback from an objective observer (the counselor) on how to approach the whole situation. After that, I'd highly recommend the marriage counseling.
    First, as you can see many others have been there, done that. I would agree that seeking assistance is a major step. Get your own affairs in order before taking on the rest can be a good move. The wife and I hit a real tough patch a couple of years ago. Somewhere along the way we decided that having a baby, her starting med school and me a major career change (all at the same time) was a good idea. Funny how two people, married, can grow so far apart. It's a miracle we're still here. Got counseling, on our own at first and then together. Things are much improved now and seem to be getting better, thankfully.
    There are a couple of books I used, and still do, that really helped (if you're into that type of thing). Relationship Rescue by none other than Dr. Phil and Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
    Good luck and God bless.


    edited to correct spelling error
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    Forum Member PFire23's Avatar
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    No one, not even a counsellor can tell you what to do. Suggestions may be offered, experiences shared, but everyone has unique issues so there is no easy answer. I do believe one thing though:

    HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY!!!!!!

    I would be willing to bet that you are unhappy because your wife doesn't know your feelings therefore she can neither confirm nor dispute your suspicions, nor can she work together with you to make the necessary changes that could bring happiness. A marriage is a partnership in which BOTH people work together, by hiding your feelings and not talking to her when a problem arises means that you aren't being a full and contributing partner. You NEED to talk to her and be honest about how you are feeling, she can't read your mind. JMHO
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    I went through a phase after I got promoted to Lieutenant in 1988. I started bringing the frustrations of the firehouse home with me, and it was having an effect on my home life. I went through our city's Employee Assistance Plan and had a great counselor who listened to what I was going through and made suggestions on how to deal with it. I'm glad I went.
    Last edited by CaptainGonzo; 05-23-2005 at 11:39 PM.
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    Originally posted by Conster74
    My personal thoughts:

    The next time you resent the presence of that child in your life just think -- you could NOT have him or her... just ask my high school friend. Her son choked to death on a rubber ball. Just think how much worse it could be...


    Conster
    I have never resented the presence of my children, ESPECIALLY Nolan. He was born 8 weeks early in Peoria,ILL., but thats a different story, and has never been on a ventilator and only spent one week in NICU in Peoria and one week in NICU here at home before he came home. My children are most likely the little angels that convinced me to do something about this.

    I appreciate everyones' thought and contributions. I want to tell my wife how I feel right now buy I just can't put it into words and not offend my wife. I am hoping that she would be willing to work with someone as well.

    Thanks.

    Hey Cap, I like the firehouse qoute.


    Forgot to add that sex has been only 4 times the last year and only when she is ready, and even then I can't get her to participate, no matter what I do. I know that sex isn't everything, but it helps.


    Edited for spelling and the last part
    Last edited by 2ndgen; 05-23-2005 at 08:28 PM.

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    Well first I am glad you brought this here, sometimes the easiest person to trust is a stranger. I will fess up that when had our house fire was I think one of the WORST times ever, minus the daily grind stuff. We went and got counseled, it was a good thing ........but certainly you need to talk about it. Good Luck.
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    2ndgen...

    Is your wife taking any antidepressant meds? Many of them, such as Paxil and Zoloft have what they call in the ads on television "sexual side effects"... ie., the loss of libido.
    ‎"The education of a firefighter and the continued education of a firefighter is what makes "real" firefighters. Continuous skill development is the core of progressive firefighting. We learn by doing and doing it again and again, both on the training ground and the fireground."
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    She is not on any depression meds. We talked about alot of stuff last night, that being one of them. She felt as it was something that she HAD to do and didn't really enjoy it anymore. After that little talk last night, we had the best we've had for along time. It turns out that she wasn't really happy with how we were doing either and she had been thinking about counseling as well. So I guess telling her was the right thing to do. I expected her to get upset but instead she had a smile on her face as big as the one she had the day we were married.

    Thanks for all the help on this matter. I never would have thought that things like this are a common occurance.

    Have a great day, because I sure am!!!

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    2ndgen, I'm glad that you talked with your wife. I've been in a very similar situation as you and believe me, without communication it wouldn't have only grown worse. Keep it up!

    You're ALWAYS going to have problems of one sort or another. Its how you deal with them that ultimately decides how you grow in character.
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    Life in the fire department and being married is hard. My wife was on birth control when she ended up pregnant. Found out it was cold meds. that cancelled out the birth control. I watch the single guys at the station to. I sometimes feel that I am trapped being married with child. There are a lot of things that make me feel as though, I can not do anything or go anywhere. Or when I see something I would like to buy something but have that feeling that I canít because the wife and baby need something. Or all I do is work or go to the f.d. for little while to get away. Something most of the single guys donít have that I do. Is a little boy that comes running through the house yelling daddy when they get home. I felt a lot of resentment toward her when our son was first born. A lot of Iím young and wanted to be a little free to do what I wanted when I wanted. If I just wanted to take a trip at the spirt of the moment I could. Now I have to get a baby sitter and why should I. But that passed. And I work my but off and have nothing to show for it. The single guys have brand new cars and come and go as they please. True but most live with mom and dad yet to. Sometimes its hard to see the down fall to them come and go as they want. I still go to guys night out and all the stuff at the f.d. It does take both of you to make it. Glad you opened up to her. I would not trade what I have now for anything the single guy has. My house is usually clean unless the boy has destroyed it, clean clothes and dinner ready for me. My wife does a lot for me. I feel as thought she should be the won with the big problem. I work two jobs one 40 hours a week and one weekends and call for local ambulance company. I take part in county firefighter association the county fire investigators and ems council for our area. So many times I leave her alone with our son so I can do what I want to do. TALK TO HER and donít hold back. Life will be better for it good luck and best wishes. Anything else we can do to help just ask brother.

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    The grass is always greener on the other side (referring to the single life). Think about what got you involved with your wife in the first place. See if you still love what you did when you married her. Try and talk about little things to get them off your chest to see how she reacts, seek the counseling at the same time and see if there are good ways to broach certain subjects.

    Married life is great, and while it isn't always rosey, and the wife and I have had hard times (everyone does), I wouldn't change it for the world.

    EDIT: That's what I get for not reading the whole thread. Glad you talked to your wife about it all, hopefully things are working out better for you both.

    Andy
    Last edited by FireAndy; 05-24-2005 at 11:00 AM.

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    Okay, I guess I'll chime in with my two cents. Yes, the grass always looks greener from the other side of the fence. I'm separated from my husband (he moved out in Dec)and I'm not having any fun. Can't help but wonder what went wrong. We still care about each other, but maybe marriage was just a step to far for us.
    Just remember (to all you family guys who are just a bit envious of your single, partying brothers), they are out there going to bars, meeting women to try to find what you already have. Maybe they are envious of you, too.
    I'm glad you talked to your wife. If one person in a relationship is unhappy, it is rarely a secret. You are on the right track to making it better. Take care.
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    Congrats on taking the steps to try to correct the problem instaed of just backing away........

    Let us know if you need anything else!
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    I'm not married, but I am female, I've been in relationships and I will say what's on my mind.

    Trust and being open is a huge part to a relationship. I am a very open person and I guess I just expect everyone else to be as well, but that isn't always the case.

    I have dated some real losers, jerks, etc. and I am not afraid to admit it, it's helped me out I think. I used to settle for just any guy that looked my way and expressed an interest in me. Now I have certain qualities I look for in a partner. I am still young and I am learning to know myself and the things I like and enjoy, the things I don't. (I'll be 19 next month)

    Now when I meet a guy, I am upfront about the things I look for and I hope he'll do the same with me. If we are compatible, maybe we'll date, if we aren't... that's not a reason. Why waste each other's time?

    Well, I am going a bit off topic...
    Anyways, back to trust and being open... if my partner were seeing a counsellor, I would like to know about that. In my past I did date guys who regularly went to counselling so I know they talked about me at some point and that doesn't bother me. So many people should be going to counselling and they don't, so if my partner was, that's fine with me. Better than keeping everything all inside! I would like to discuss our relationship together, where it's headed, problems we each are going through, etc. Open communication helps build a healthy relationship.
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    2ndgen,

    I am so glad you and your wife were able to talk. It took a lot of courage for you to bring it up, not knowing how she would react. It's great that you both are committed and willing to get help, not only for each other, but for your kids, too. Too many people just give up and lose out on something special right in their own backyard, so to speak.

    As far as the libido goes, it may take some investigating to figure out what's up. It could be something physiological, something from her childhood, whatever. She may just be exhausted or even depressed.

    I wish you all the best.

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