Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #251
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    Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S.
    > Marine Gunny were all
    > captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told
    > them that he would grant them each one last request before they were
    > beheaded.
    >
    > Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
    > hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
    > returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
    > content."
    >
    > Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
    > tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
    > Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
    > the end."
    >
    > The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric
    > dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
    >
    > The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S.
    > Marine, what is your final
    > wish?"
    >
    > "Kick me in the ***," said the Marine.
    >
    > "What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
    >
    > "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ***," insisted the
    > Marine.
    >
    > So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ***.
    >
    > The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
    > pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.
    > In the resulting
    > confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his
    > M4 carbine and sprayed
    > the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead
    > or fleeing for their lives.
    >
    > As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why
    > didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
    > kick you in the *** first?"
    >
    > What," replied the Marine, "and have you two *******s report that I
    > was the aggressor?

  2. #252
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    Some of these might be old but are worth repeating:

    > Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    > A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
    >
    > Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    > A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
    > car.
    >
    > Q. What's the height of conceit?
    > A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
    >
    > Q. What's the definition of macho?
    > A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
    >
    > Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
    > A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
    >
    > Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
    > A. Because it's worth it!
    >
    > Q. What is a Yankee?
    > A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
    >
    > Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    > A. They both like a tight seal.
    >
    > Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    > A. Their balls are just for decoration.
    >
    > Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh and aaaaaah"?
    > A. About three inches.
    >
    > Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
    > A. For traction in the mud.
    >
    > Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
    > A. The grip.
    >
    > Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    > A. It's not hard.
    >
    > Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    > A. Kick his sister in the jaw.
    >
    > Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    > A. 45 pounds
    >
    > Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    > A. 45 minutes.
    >
    > Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    >
    > A. Breasts don't have eyes.
    >
    > Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    > A. The swallow.
    >
    > Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
    > A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
    >
    > Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    > A. They don't have balls to scratch!

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    > A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known make-out
    spot.
    > He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
    > The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
    > Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
    > magazine He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat,
    > knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the
    > car and gently raps on the driver's window.
    > The young man lowers his window "Uh, yes, officer?"
    > The cop says: "What are you doing?"
    > The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
    > Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says:
    > "And her, what is she doing?"
    > The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover
    > sweater."
    > Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at
    > night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!
    > The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"
    > The young man says :"I'm 22, sir."
    > The cop asks: "And her ... what's her age?"
    > The young man looks at his watch and replies:
    > "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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    A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking
    a Ceremonial Pipe and eyeing two U.S. Government officials sent to
    interview him.

    "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the
    white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
    advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement. The Official continued, "Considering
    all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and
    then calmly replied.

    "When white man found this land, Indians were running it."

    "No taxes."

    "No debt."

    "Our braves didn't die in far away lands."

    "There were no fences, we had freedom to roam"

    "Plenty buffalo."

    "Plenty beaver."

    "We did not need permission to build teepees or lodges."

    "Women did all the work."

    "Medicine man free."

    "Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

    "Food and clothing was free to take from nature."

    "All night having sex."

    Then Chief leaned back and smiled,

    "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
    Politics is like driving. To go forward select "D", to go backward select "R."

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    Thor the God of Thunder came down to earth and decided to have his way with one of the Vestial Virgins.

    Afterwards he thought he would tell her who had taken her maidenhead.

    He turned to her and said.. "I am Thor."

    She replied.. "Tho am I but it Wath Fun."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Several years ago,I started driving a wheelchair bus for a taxi company up in Paducah Kentucky.
    My first day,I was told "Here's your route,a map and the keys to bus 29 around back."
    I get out to the lot and it's covered in cartoon characters and I just knew there was no way I was going to look cool driving this big axe Ford.
    I do my pretrip checks,start the motor and head out on the route.My first pick up is this pair of really fat girls both named Patty and after asking where the driver from the last week was,they just sat quietly coloring for the rest of the trip.
    My next stop was for this really hyperactive young boy who introduced himself loud as a used car salesman's jacket:"MY NAME IS ROSS AND I'M SPECIAL!".What could I say?I said"Glad to know ya,Ross.I'm Doug and I'll be your driver today."as he went back to bounce in his seat all the way to school.
    My last pick up was for this young man named Chase.he didn't say much but after a few minutes,I noticed this really bad smell and checked the mirror to see this jasper with his shoes and socks off picking at the soles of his feet.
    I make my drop at their workshop,check in with dispatch and since nothing else was scheduled,I was told to come back in for a smaller van for the rest of the day.
    I get back to the office and the wheelchair manager came out to ask me what I'd thought so far and what I wanted from BK for lunch.
    I told her"Debbie,y'all didn't tell me I'd be driving two obese Patty's,Special Ross with Chase picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."
    Last edited by doughesson; 01-19-2007 at 12:53 PM.

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    Dougs second day he was detailed to take a group of special needs children for a sight seeing trip.

    Winding their way up the mountain he took one corner a bit fast and the bus leaned way over into the bend as he hauled it through the corner.

    All the chatter from down back had stopped, then a little voice said "some Speed".

    Doug thought, "Ok, they liked it", so he hammered his way to the top of the mountain trying to be a Formula 1 driver.

    All the way he kept hearing "Some Speed".

    At the top, a little boy walked up to him and said ...

    "Mista, Somes peed, Somes Puked, and Somes Shyte themselves."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  8. #258
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi View Post
    Dougs second day he was detailed to take a group of special needs children for a sight seeing trip.
    Winding their way up the mountain he took one corner a bit fast and the bus leaned way over into the bend as he hauled it through the corner.
    Doug thought, "Ok, they liked it", so he hammered his way to the top of the mountain trying to be a Formula 1 driver.
    All the way he kept hearing "Some Speed".
    At the top, a little boy walked up to him and said ...
    "Mista, Somes peed, Somes Puked, and Somes Shyte themselves."

    AWRIGHT!WHO told?!

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    A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

    He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

    The cop asked, "What's he like?"

    The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."

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    Talking

    Subject: Fw: FACT YOU SHOULD KNOW



    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

    The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

    The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want 5 loaves.

    She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shyte but me."

    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  11. #261
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    A Blonde's Year in Review

    January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels - Helllooo!!! .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

    March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months......box said "2-4 years!"

    April - Trapped on the Macy's escalator for hours after the power went out.

    May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope

    July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!!

    August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ...car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

    October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

    November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

    December - Couldn't call 9-1-1...."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

    Sgt R. Slater
    SO Logistics 2

    -----
    This who wants to be a millionaire can be dangerous!!!!

    *
    No sense of humor. My wife and I are watching "Who *wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
    *
    I turned to her and *said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No." She answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    "Yes." She replied.
    Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
    That's the last thing I remember.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Newfoundland baby

    A Newfoundlander is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. When the call ends, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Newfoundland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but The Newfoundlander just shrugs, "That's about average on the rock, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Newfoundland baby boy."

    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

    Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Newfoundland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Newfoundland father takes a slow swig from his Black Horse beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  13. #263
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    I LOVE My Job. I love my job. I love my job. Do you?
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  14. #264
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    The interesting things that a son will teach his father:

    1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
    house 4 inches deep.

    2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

    8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

    11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12.) Super glue is forever.

    13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

    19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time. {is this true? }

    21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

    25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  15. #265
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    I received this in an e-mail...






    Subject: something for you to think about



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a
    week.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily
    carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was
    wrong.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we
    screwed up...but man that was fun!"



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Cry with you



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is
    doing.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' *** that left you behind.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Are for life.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences...

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no Civilian
    could ever dream of...



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had
    enough.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say,
    "You better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste...that's
    alcohol abuse!!" Then carry you home safely and put you to bed...



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.


    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Will knock them the hell out of them for using your
    name in vain.



    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS:, Will forward this.
    =
    Fire Lieutenant/E.M.T.
    IAFF Local 2339
    K of C 4th Degree
    "LEATHER FOREVER"
    Member I.A.C.O.J.
    http://www.tfdfire.com/
    "Fir na tine"

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    fireman4949, I like that one. Borrowed and sent it around the office.

    Here's another:

    Cars vs Computers!

    For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics

    (and I just love this part):

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh! Would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

    7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

    8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. {I think I've owned a few "tempermental" cars like that.}

    9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

    Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    One day in Sunday school,the teacher told us about what happened at Soddam and Gomorrah,reading that"The man named Lot was told to take his wife and flee from the city.Lot's wife looked back at the city and was turned to a pillar of salt...."
    One little boy raised his hand and wanted to know"What happened to the flea?"

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    My real friends would come bail me out no matter what their wife was telling them about me(and my ears have been burnt a few times.
    However,if he was TRULY a real friend,he'd be sitting on the bench in the drunk tank saying"Damn,she didn't look like no cop I've ever seen before!"


    Quote Originally Posted by fireman4949 View Post
    I received this in an e-mail...

    Subject: something for you to think about

    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was
    wrong.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we
    screwed up...but man that was fun!"

    CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this.

    FIRE DEPARTMENT FRIENDS:, Will forward this.
    =

  19. #269
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    There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
    they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
    Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she
    would break him out of this crazy habit.

    So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
    romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her
    husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft,
    wonderful and larger than a real one.
    She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at
    him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
    explain yourself!"

    The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
    explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

  20. #270
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    This one got me falling off my chair!

    The Alberta Cowboy

    An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
    pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
    towards him.

    The driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the young man, who appears to be a wannabe yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

    He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
    spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
    receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
    the cowboy.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
    as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    You're a Federal NDP Member of Parliament, says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
    though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
    knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
    than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd
    of sheep. Now give me back my dog!

    ------
    Happy Baby

    Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. 24 babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.

    A nurse comes by and, to the gays delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.."

    The nurse says, "He's happy now, but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ***.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  21. #271
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    Malahat, you have entirely too much time on your hands. Thanks for my morning LOL.

  22. #272
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    You are very welcome, however, I am but the Perveyor... these came from my Master Warrant Officer (SSM to some of you army folks) LOL
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  23. #273
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    Did you hear about the fish that won the lotto?

    Poor thing died comming on land to try and collect.

    Did you hear about the dog that won the lotto?

    He bought his owner a bone.

    Why did the cat have a hard time collecting her winning lotto ticket.

    Because she was in heat.

    Did you hear about the beer that won the lotto.

    It got some preium hops.

  24. #274
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    This is only a test. If this had been an actual emergency something bad would have already happened.

  25. #275
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    For the love of god Zrocker.... no more jokes from you

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