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Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #201
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RspctFrmCalgary
    That wouldn't go over too well here. OK well probably not anywhere.

    WHAT?! Bank Robbers in Victoria using ACTUAL loaded weapons? LOL LOL
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.


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    So,this mechanic accidentally gets a taste of brake fluid while working on a truck and finds that he really likes the stuff.
    He gets to where he's knocking back a can of the stuff at clock-in,lunch and at quitting time which really concerns his co workers.
    They pull an intervention and he gets back in their faces"Look.I can stop anytime I want."

  3. #203
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women

    Pregnancy Q & A & more!
    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
    A: No, 35 children is enough.

    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
    A: Childbirth.

    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
    A: So what's your question?

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
    A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.


    "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
    10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

    1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
    2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
    3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
    4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
    5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
    6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
    7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
    8 . You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.


    TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
    10. Cats' facial expressions.
    9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
    8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
    7. Fat clothes.
    6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
    5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
    4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
    3. Eyelash curlers.
    2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.


    AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:

    1. OTHER WOMEN

    Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day..
    WE ALL NEED a SMILE!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  4. #204
    Forum Member RspctFrmCalgary's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7
    WHAT?! Bank Robbers in Victoria using ACTUAL loaded weapons? LOL LOL
    Speaking of .... It was an interesting commute home, especially trying to get to my bus stop on Johnson Street bridge from where I work at Fort and Wharf LOL. Streets were closed for blocks around the Salvation Army, the Johnson Street bridge was closed to incoming traffic. It was quite the mess.

    Suspect arrest ends drama at Sally Ann
    Police cordon off part of downtown during three-hour standoff
    Police tactical team members use a periscope device to check an upstairs room at the Salvation Army building during yesterday's standoff with a robbery suspect.

    Photograph by : Bruce Stotesbury, Times Colonist

    Bill Cleverley and Jeff Bell, Times Colonist
    Published: Friday, November 17, 2006
    Victoria police were forced to close a block around lower Johnson Street Thursday afternoon after a robbery suspect claiming to have a gun holed up in a room on the fourth floor of the Salvation Army building.

    Snipers were positioned on neighbouring buildings as negotiators, Emergency Response Team members, and other police officers evacuated the Sally Ann and nearby streets and attempted to talk the man out. Parts of Johnson and Store streets were closed to both foot and vehicle traffic.

    The man was arrested after a three-hour standoff. Police were still searching for the gun as he was led from the building in cuffs.

    The man, who had recently been released from a federal prison, had been followed to the building from a robbery attempt in the 600-block of Fort.

    Thrift Store employee Stuart Bain was on his way out the door for a smoke when the suspect was coming in with a second man hot on his heels.

    "You could tell by his eyes he was trouble," Bain said. "I wouldn't say he was high but he was intense."

    The man walked through the store and out a back door. He must have immediately gone upstairs where he had a room.

    The man in pursuit had a mark on his cheekbone. He said he had tried to stop the suspect and had been punched, said store manager Lynsey Finnick.

    The suspect "looked really angry. I thought he might actually hurt one of the customers," she said.

    The second man phoned police while the suspect headed upstairs.

    Knightsbridge Gift Shop owner Allison Langston said a man came into her store about 12:45 p.m. He claimed to have a gun and demanded cash. She wouldn't hand it over.

    She said she had been robbed once before at gunpoint and was determined it wasn't going to happen again.

    "I was robbed six months after the store opened, in 1998," she said.

    She said the man, well-groomed with a goatee and close-cropped hair, passed her a note and she threw it back at him. He passed it to her again. She read it, but did not pass over money as ordered.

    After the man gave up and fled, Langston ran out the door after him and yelled for someone to stop him. Her husband realized what was happening and gave chase, but the man disappeared at the nearby corner of Government Street.

    Victoria police acting Insp. Les Sylven said the man has a criminal history, with convictions that include violence.

    "The area that he was at enabled him to put a lot of people at risk if he was in possession of a firearm like he claimed to be," Sylven said. "So we reacted accordingly and created a perimeter that would keep people out of harm's way."

    As police were handling that situation, someone robbed the Royal Bank at Douglas Street and Pandora Avenue by passing a teller a note demanding cash.

    "Using video and eyewitnesses we were able to get a pretty good description. We were able to get enough information to go out and look for the suspect," Sylven said.

    Police flooded the area with as many officers as were available, and within about 30 minutes arrested a suspect.

    Sylven said the two incidents were not related.
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

  5. #205
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    From my Boss:

    Living Wills

    While I was watching the Masters this weekend, my wife and I got
    into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living
    wills.

    During the course of the conversation I told her that I never
    wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine
    and taking fluids from a bottle.

    She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.....

    Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ***.
    ----------
    BUD LIGHT

    I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

    His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

    After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

    When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

    At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse....... "Darn it Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT"
    ------

    If you can read this with out laughing till your sides hurt or you can't relate to any of it, you are on the wrong mailing list my friend...

    Five Levels of Hangovers

    One Star Hangover (*)

    No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

    Two Star Hangover (**)

    No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

    Three Star Hangover (***)

    Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

    Four Star Hangover (****)

    Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ***** is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five *****s you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

    Five Star Hangover (*****)

    You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
    pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your *****. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

    Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

    Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

    1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
    2.) Nope, no more booze for me.
    3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
    4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
    5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
    6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, we really screwed up.'
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  6. #206
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    The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

    The questions are:
    1. What are you thinking about?
    2. Do you love me?
    3. Do I look fat?
    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
    The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
    1. Baseball.
    2. Football.
    3. How fat you are.
    4. How much prettier she is than you.
    5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

    Question # 2: Do you love me?
    The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
    1. I suppose so.
    2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    3. That depends on what you mean by love.
    4. Does it matter?
    5. Who, me?

    Question # 3: Do I look fat?
    The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
    1. Compared to what?
    2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
    3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
    4. I've seen fatter.
    5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
    1. Yes, but you have a better personality
    2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
    3. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
    4. Define 'pretty'
    5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question #5: What would you do if I died?
    A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
    No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
    She....Would you get married again?
    He.....Definitely not!
    She....Why not - don't you like being married?
    He.....Of course I do.
    She....Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
    She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
    He.....Yes, I would.
    She....Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    He.....Where else would we sleep?
    She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    She....And would you let her use my golf clubs?
    He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.
    -------------------
    "The most mediocre man or woman can suddenly seem dynamic, forceful, and decisive if he or she is mean enough." from "Crazy Bosses"
    -----------------------------------------------
    Genius has its limits, but stupidity is boundless.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7
    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, we really screwed up.'[/B][/COLOR]
    Where I grew it goes"A real friend isn't the guy that comes down to the county lock up at 0330 with his wife's words about getting new friends still ringing in his ears to bail you out.
    If he were all that good a friend,he'd be sitting on the bench in the drunk tank next to you saying'Damn,she didn't look like no cop I ever saw before!".

  8. #208
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    Quote Originally Posted by KenNFD1219
    The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

    The questions are:
    1. What are you thinking about?
    2. Do you love me?
    3. Do I look fat?
    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?
    .
    The only safe answers are,repeat after me class,"On the advice of my legal counsel,I decline to answer as my responses may tend to further incriminate me". Then shut the F up!

  9. #209
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by doughesson
    The only safe answers are,repeat after me class,"On the advice of my legal counsel,I decline to answer as my responses may tend to further incriminate me". Then shut the F up!
    "I'm sorry Ma'm. Could you please repeat the question?"
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  10. #210
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    Quote Originally Posted by KenNFD1219
    The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

    The questions are:
    1. What are you thinking about?
    2. Do you love me?
    3. Do I look fat?
    4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
    5. What would you do if I died?
    .

    "Hey,you don't think the kids would mind a young step mom with some big ol' hooties do you?"

  11. #211
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Can't remember if this has been put out or not..... oh well if it has.

    Had no idea that Tim Horton's coffee was so effective. :-)
    Canadian Coffee

    A Newfoundland woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his
    help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?", asks
    the doctor.

    "Oh, no, doctor, I couldn't do dat," she said. "He won't even take an
    aspirin.

    "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He
    won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how
    things went"

    It wasn't a week later, that she called the doctor, who directly inquired
    as to the progress.

    The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh jaysus mary and joseph, doctor, twas horrid.
    Just terrible!"

    "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

    "Well, I did like you said and slipped it into his coffee. Lard de effect
    was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his
    eye, and with his pants a-bulging something fierce! With one swoop of his
    arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and then,
    lard tunderin jaysus, didn't he take me right then and there, making wild, mad passionate love to me on the
    tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

    "Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?"

    " No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I had
    in 25 years. But, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's ever
    again!"
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  12. #212
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    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

    Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.
    I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

    Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

    Last year you suggested Tahiti
    and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

    Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

    Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  13. #213
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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks
    solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

    "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

    "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

    "I remember that, too." she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  14. #214
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."


    FOC-ROF-LMAO! HEHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEEEE. Lucky for me I guess. I got my "parole" papers 4 years ago.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  15. #215
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
    The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
    "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
    "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my
    sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road",
    explains the duck.
    Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
    for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the
    circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
    "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
    brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
    "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr.
    Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
    "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
    "At the circus", says the landlord.
    "The circus?", the duck enquires.
    "That's right", replies the landlord.
    "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the
    big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
    "That's right!", says the landlord.
    The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  16. #216
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    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
    Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
    Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"
    Donald frowned and said "No."
    Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have sex.
    "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
    So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
    condoms.
    "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and
    gave it to Donald.
    The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
    "No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  17. #217
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    Having a rough day at the Races today, Kiwi?
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  18. #218
    Forum Member tbonetrexler's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Magnolia, Delaware US
    Posts
    527

    Talking Wal-Mart + retired man= LMAO

    Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse.
    Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton------

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

    Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
    people's carts when they weren't looking.
    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-
    minute intervals.
    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    restrooms.
    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
    M&M's on layaway.
    6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
    carpeted area.
    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
    told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows
    from the bedding department.
    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
    to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    mirror, and picked his nose.
    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
    asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
    humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
    look" using different size funnels.
    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
    through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
    speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO!
    It's those voices again!!!!"
    And last, but not least .....
    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

    Regards,
    Wal-Mart
    Do a little dance, make a little rum, Italian Ice! Italian Ice!

    Actual lyric: Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight, get down tonight.
    (KC & The Sunshine Band "Do A Little Dance")

    My thoughts are mine alone and do not represent the thoughts of any Organization to which I am affiliated.

  19. #219
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    11

    Default

    A woman is baking cupcakes at home.
    After being put in the oven the first cupcake says "man it's hot in here"
    the second one says "holy *****, a talking cupcake!"

  20. #220
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default

    A Kiwi builder was showing the new owners around their house he was just finishing building.

    The lady was instructing him on the colours she wanted for each room.

    Starting in the kitchen she said "A lovely light creamy yellow for this room".

    The Kiwi walks to the front door and shouts "GREEN SIDE UP".

    Confused the couple move into the lounge, where the lady requests a neutral light green colour. The Kiwi walks back to the door and shouts "GREEN SIDE UP".

    After explaining the colours they wanted for the bathroom and hearing the Kiwi shout "GREEN SIDE UP" again, the couple were worried.

    The lady asked the builder "Why is it every time I say a colour you shout out Green side up?.

    "No worries" replies the Kiwi "I have got a couple of Aussies laying the lawn."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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