Thread: Random Jokes

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    Originally posted by cdemarse
    What has 7 arms and sucks?

    Def Leopord
    DEF LEOPARD DOES NOT SUCK! Sacrelidge!
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

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    Originally posted by mcaldwell


    DEF LEOPARD DOES NOT SUCK! Sacrelidge!
    lol
    I dont mind them but its still a great joke.
    "Train as if your life depends on it"
    Always Remember *343*

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    Woman Sues Radio Station Over Hummer Prize

    POSTED: 10:15 am EDT July 14, 2005

    LOS ANGELES -- Shannon Castillo isn't laughing about her April Fool's Day Hummer.

    She's suing a Bakersfield, Calif.-area radio station over a toy Hummer H2 she won as the grand prize in a contest.

    Instead of winning the keys to a real Hummer, Castillo and another listener were given radio-controlled toys on April Fool's Day.

    Castillo says it was a humiliating experience.

    Castillo's lawyer, Scott Perlman, says KBDS violated California law and FCC regulations by misrepresenting the prizes being offered.

    Her lawsuit asks for $60,000, about the cost of a Hummer H2.

    Pictures of her getting the "hummer" here: http://www.play1039.net/hummer.html

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    Originally posted by mcaldwell


    DEF LEOPARD DOES NOT SUCK! Sacrelidge!
    You want me to try to win tickets for you this weekend? LOL
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    Originally posted by RspctFrmCalgary
    You want me to try to win tickets for you this weekend? LOL
    As long as they're real. I wouldn't want you to win a deaf painted tabby cab.

    And as for the free hummer...

    ...no comment, I'll get banned for sure.
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

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    Oh yeah ... yes the tickets are real, my trip to see U2 was real wasn't it!

    Just gotta be caller 9 when you hear a def Lep tune on the Q tomorrow and Sunday.
    Last edited by RspctFrmCalgary; 07-16-2005 at 12:49 AM.
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    Talking

    Originally posted by dmleblanc
    A string goes into a bar and orders a drink. "Beat it, buddy," says the bartender..."We don't serve strings in here". The string goes outside, ties himself into a bow, and frazzles his ends. He goes back in.
    "Hey, ain't you that string that was just in here?" asks the bartender.
    "No, I'm a frayed knot...."

    I love that one! I told it the last time I did a ropes drill though, and all I got was ---->
    IACOJ

    "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap it if we do not lose heart."

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    I love that one! I told it the last time I did a ropes drill though, and all I got was ---->
    There is a reason for that.
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

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    Marty, I was just caller 6 ... sorry!
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    How many blonde jokes are there?
    There goes the neighborhood.

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    Originally posted by RspctFrmCalgary
    Marty, I was just caller 6 ... sorry!
    No problem Sher. I'll just keep on rockin to my old CD's.
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

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    Originally posted by Rossco
    How many blonde jokes are there?
    OK, let's go there...

    A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette's chute fails to open. Terrified, she tries to activate her reserve chute. Nothing. She plummets past the blonde.

    The blonde begins unbuckling her harness..."Oh, you want to race, do you?!"
    Chief Dwayne LeBlanc
    Paincourtville Volunteer Fire Department
    Paincourtville, LA

    "I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream and I hope you don't find this too crazy is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad."
    C.D. Bales, "Roxanne"

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    Guy in bar: "Excuse me, could you tell me the quickest way to get downtown?"

    Bartender: "Well, are you walking or driving?"

    Guy "I'm driving..."

    Bartender: "Yep, that'd be the quickest way..."
    Chief Dwayne LeBlanc
    Paincourtville Volunteer Fire Department
    Paincourtville, LA

    "I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream and I hope you don't find this too crazy is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad."
    C.D. Bales, "Roxanne"

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    Guy comes home from work and finds a huge gorilla on his roof. Perplexed, he looks under "Gorilla Removal" in the Yellow Pages. Oddly enough, "Bob's Gorilla Removal" performs just such a service. He makes the call and Bob shows up shortly in a big panel van. He quickly sizes up the situation...

    "Yep, I've seen this before," says Bob..."no problem. But I'm going to need your help." Bob goes into the van and comes out with a banana, a net, a ladder, a shotgun, and a vicious looking pit bull.

    "Okay, here's the plan. You hold the shotgun. I'm going to climb the ladder on the other side of the house and sneak up on him. Then I'll toss him the banana. While he's distracted with the banana, I'll come up behind him and push him off the roof. When he hits the ground, that pit bull is trained to go after his you-know-what's and clamp down like a vise. While he is thusly restrained I'll drop the net on him and we've got him. You got all that?"

    "Sure," says the homeowner, "but what's with the shotgun? We're not going to kill the gorilla, are we?"

    "Nope," says Bob, "you just stand by with that shotgun. If I should happen to miss the gorilla and I fall off the roof....you shoot that f***ing dog!"
    Chief Dwayne LeBlanc
    Paincourtville Volunteer Fire Department
    Paincourtville, LA

    "I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream and I hope you don't find this too crazy is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad."
    C.D. Bales, "Roxanne"

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    A guy brings his kids to the county fair. There they meet a farmer with an old nag of a horse. The kids really take to the horse, climbing on his back, hanging on his tail, pulling his mane...the old horse pays them no mind, he's as gentle and patient as can be.

    "Hey, old man, that's one gentle horse you've got there. My kids love him. Would you sell him to me?"

    "Nah...I don't think you want that old nag....he don't look too good..." says the old farmer.

    "Oh, that's OK," says the guy, "I don't care how he looks, the kids are crazy about him. I'll give you a hundred bucks for him."

    "You sure about that, mister?" says the farmer, "I'm telling ya, that old boy just don't look so good..."

    "I'm sure," says the guy..."look, I'll give you two hundred for him."

    "Well, alright...." says the old farmer..."but just one condition...I don't give any refunds, so don't come askin'...all sales is final."

    "No problem" says the guy. He pays the farmer and takes the horse home.

    A few days later the guy goes back and finds the farmer.

    "Hey, old man, you sold me a bum horse!" he says. "I want my money back!"

    "Like I said, all sales is final" says the old man calmly.

    "Yeah, but when I got that horse home and put him out in the yard, he started running into everything...he ran into the fence, into a post, into a tree....That horse is blind as a bat!"

    "Yep...I know." said the farmer. "I tried to tell you the other day...that horse don't look too good!"
    Chief Dwayne LeBlanc
    Paincourtville Volunteer Fire Department
    Paincourtville, LA

    "I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream and I hope you don't find this too crazy is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad."
    C.D. Bales, "Roxanne"

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    A priest a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar.
    Barkeeps asks"What is this a joke?"

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    Originally posted by Rossco
    How many blonde jokes are there?
    None, they're all true!
    Shawn M. Cecula
    Firefighter
    IACOJ Division of Fire and EMS

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    What should you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?






    Pull the pin and throw it back!
    Resident Chaplain of the IACOJ

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    Talking

    A blonde, brunette and redhead are all participating against one another in the 100 meter breast stroke.

    The redhead finishes first, followed by the brunette. About 2 hours later the blonde finishes, and starts yelling at the officials, "hey no fair they where both using there arms!!!"
    You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

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    How Blonde Was She???

    She was Soooooooo Blonde ...
    * She thought a quarterback was a refund.
    * She thought General Motors was in the army.
    * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
    * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
    * At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

    She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
    * She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
    * Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

    She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She tripped over a cordless phone.
    * She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
    * She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
    * She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * She studied for a blood test.
    * She sold the car for gas money.
    * When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
    * When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.


    She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
    * When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
    * She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
    * She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
    * She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."


    She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

    She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


    Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie?

    They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
    *********************

    Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
    ************************
    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

    "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

    "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
    "So then?" asked the doctor.

    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

    "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

    *****************

    Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
    *****************

    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

    He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
    ****************

    A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

    The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which..... that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

    "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
    ************************

    A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold."

    "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

    "What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
    Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"
    The blond replied,,,,,"Two popsicles, and some coffee."

    AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....

    A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

    The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
    The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

    "Thanks, but I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." the boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
    A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.
    "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
    "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"

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    A boy scout, Jesse Jackson, George Bush, and the Pope were on an airplane when the pilot says " we are going down, everyone bail out."
    At that point the 4 passengers saw the pilot bail, so they look around and realize there are only 3 parachutes.

    The president says, " I'm the president, I have to live." So he puts on a pack, and bails out.

    Jesse Jackson says, " I'm the smartest person in the world, I have to live." So he puts on a pack and bails out.

    The Pope looks at the young boy, and says, " son, I've lived a good life, and I wish the same for you, so you go and put that last parachute on, and I'll go down with the plane."

    The boyscout says, " it's ok Mr. Pope, we can both live, because the smartest person in the world just bailed out of the plane with my backpack."
    There goes the neighborhood.

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    The son asks his father "Dad, whats the difference between THEORY and REALITY"
    "Well son I can show you the difference better than tell you."
    "Son I want you to go upstairs to your sisters room and ask her if she would sleep with a total stranger for a million bucks"
    So the boy goes upstairs and returns to his father, "she said yes"
    "Ok son, now go ask the same question to your mother".
    So the boy goes back up and returns, "Mom said yes too"!

    "Well you see son, in THEORY we are sittin on two million bucks".
    "In REALITY were' living with a couple of whores".
    IAFF

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    What's yellow and dangerous?




























    Shark infested custard

    /me marks comedian off possible career lists
    We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.

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    thats almost as bad as:

    three guys walk into a bar, you would think one of them would have seen it.
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

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    Originally posted by PattyV
    thats almost as bad as:

    three guys walk into a bar, you would think one of them would have seen it.
    How about:

    A termite walks into a bar and asks:

    Is the Bar Tender Here?
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

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