Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #476
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,837

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by doughesson View Post
    I just finished filing a burglary report with the Po-lice dept.
    Last night while I was at work,someone broke into my house,stole everything that I owned and replaced it all with exact duplicates.
    DEEP
    SIGH....
    GROAN....
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  2. #477
    Forum Member
    kprsn1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    643

    Default

    A crusty old fireman walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this d*mn church.”

    The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

    “Listen up, d*mn it. I said I want to join this d*mn church!”

    “I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

    “There is no d*mn problem”, the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the d*mn lottery and I want to join this d*mn church to get rid of some of this d*mn money”.


    “I see”, said the pastor. “And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?”
    SFPD Member MABAS Division 47
    Told my wife I'm at work. Told my boss I'm sick. I'm really at the fire station.
    I.A.C.O.J.

  3. #478
    Forum Member
    frenchfireball's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    lyon,france
    Posts
    1,033

    Wink

    Quote Originally Posted by kprsn1 View Post
    A crusty old fireman walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this d*mn church.”

    The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

    “Listen up, d*mn it. I said I want to join this d*mn church!”

    “I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

    “There is no d*mn problem”, the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the d*mn lottery and I want to join this d*mn church to get rid of some of this d*mn money”.


    “I see”, said the pastor. “And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?”
    so great,i can not stop laughing,another one like this one,please?
    "sauver ou périr"

    "courage et dévouement"

    2 french mottoes in french fire service.

  4. #479
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,837

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by kprsn1 View Post
    A crusty old fireman walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this d*mn church.”

    The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

    “Listen up, d*mn it. I said I want to join this d*mn church!”

    “I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

    “There is no d*mn problem”, the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the d*mn lottery and I want to join this d*mn church to get rid of some of this d*mn money”.


    “I see”, said the pastor. “And is this b*tch giving you a hard time?”
    HAHAHAHAAA. We have an Old Guy in our station who's been around well... ok... more than most of us have been alive - former Marine to boot. Sounds just like this. Incidentally he runs our Fund Drive.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  5. #480
    MembersZone Subscriber
    MalahatTwo7's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Location
    Loco madidus effercio in rutilus effercio.
    Posts
    12,837

    Default

    Just remember, these are YOUR countrymen and women... {Oh and some of you even voted for them} heheheeheeee

    Why our country is in trouble!

    A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

    1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

    2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa. "Her response - click.

    3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG).

    4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!).

    5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

    6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

    7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it ( I was laughing ). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is 'FAT (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

    8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

    9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

    10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

    11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

    12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured! a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."


    Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in.
    Ron Evans, Ticket Agent.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  6. #481
    IACOJ BOD
    FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default

    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

    "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

    "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

    The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

    "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".

    -----
    And for Rick and the other Canadians.

    ----
    A 2006 study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year, that means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon. Excellent mileage.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  7. #482
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    A wise man once said that we get the government that we deserve.
    One question I have was how would some of those folks listed know if someone got smart with them?


    [QUOTE=MalahatTwo7;850232]Just remember, these are YOUR countrymen and women... {Oh and some of you even voted for them} heheheeheeee

    [b][color=blue]Why our country is in trouble!

    /QUOTE]

  8. #483
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    Remember,in every organization,there is ONE person who knows exactly what is going on.
    This person must be found out and fired.

  9. #484
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    Back in the 80s,two of my sisters had gone to Mexico to explore the Incan temples down that was when one of them got some nasty bug bites and needed to be hospitalized.
    Since the only way of sending the news home was a telegram,it was a bit upsetting that they didn't have money for a detailed message and had to use only 7 words.
    So my parents got this missive from Western Union:"Anacin the hospital STOPAdamant bitter asinine places STOP".

  10. #485
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default Moon over Memphis

    This was several years ago on live TV.All the players have since moved on to different local stations.
    One night,the weather forecaster was going to teach a little astronomy to the viewers and the lead in went a little like this:
    Claudia(seated at the news desk):"Jim,what will you be showing us tonight with the weather?"
    Jim:"Claudia,tonight when we come back,we'll be studying the moons around Uranus."
    The stage crew was able to wait under the commercial break before they couldn't hold it in anymore and everyone began braying like a bunch of jacks and jennies.

  11. #486
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    So,this Mafioso hired himself a deaf accountant believing that the man wouldn't give away how much wealth he'd accumulated.However,he didn't count on the guy being a good enough cheat to skim off money for years until the IRS got ahold of him and the Don found how much he'd lost since hiring the deaf man.
    After doing his time,the Dom hires an ASL interpreter and starts to find out where his money is.
    It isn't long until the accountant has had enough "persuasion" and decides to tell that he'd hidden the money.
    The interpreter figures that the mafioso doesn't sign so he decides to play like the guy is still refusing to talk.
    Finally,the Don has had enough and pulls his gun,cocks it and aims directly at his soon to be former accountant's head.
    Frantically,the accountant begins signing"I hid the money under my garage that I had built years ago.Please don't kill me."
    The Don asks what the signing meant and the interpreter replies"He says that you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

  12. #487
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    The charges were being read against a defendent on court:
    Judge:"You are hereby charged with killing your wife with a shovel."
    Onlooker in courtroom:"You lying son of a b****!"
    Judge:"I will have order in this court!Now,you are also charged with killing the mailman with a nail gun."
    Onlooker:"Why you unconcious bustard!"
    Judge:"SIT DOWN,YOU!You are also charged with using a hammer to beat a paperboy to death"
    Onlooker:"Throw him so far under the jail they have to slingshot daylight to him."
    Judge"Sir,you will be quiet or I WILL have the bailliff escort you to a cell on contempt of court charges."
    Onlooker:Sorry,your Honor.It's just that the defendent has lived next to me for 15 years and do you think ONCE he's had a tool that I could borrow when I needed?"

  13. #488
    Forum Member
    kprsn1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    643

    Default

    A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

    After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

    An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

    The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? This woman is 56 years old; she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”

    The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
    SFPD Member MABAS Division 47
    Told my wife I'm at work. Told my boss I'm sick. I'm really at the fire station.
    I.A.C.O.J.

  14. #489
    Permanently Removed

    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    28

    Default

    A woman is in a coma at the hospital for several months and showing no progress. The nurses notice that the only time she responds is when they sponge bath her private area, she giggles and moves a little. They come up with a plan and the doc agrees. The doc tells the desperate husband that they will give him 10 minutes of privacy to try oral sex and see if his wife responds more than she has with the nurses washing her. The man is very scepticle but agrees to try. The nurses and doc see the monitor go into asystole after a few minutes of the man being in the room. The doc goes in and confirms the woman's death and ask's "what did you do? She's dead!" The man responds "I tried oral sex but I think she choked on it!"

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

Log in

Click here to log in or register