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Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #481
    IACOJ BOD FlyingKiwi's Avatar
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    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

    "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

    "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

    The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

    "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".

    -----
    And for Rick and the other Canadians.

    ----
    A 2006 study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year, that means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon. Excellent mileage.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.


  2. #482
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    A wise man once said that we get the government that we deserve.
    One question I have was how would some of those folks listed know if someone got smart with them?


    [QUOTE=MalahatTwo7;850232]Just remember, these are YOUR countrymen and women... {Oh and some of you even voted for them} heheheeheeee

    [b][color=blue]Why our country is in trouble!

    /QUOTE]

  3. #483
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    Remember,in every organization,there is ONE person who knows exactly what is going on.
    This person must be found out and fired.

  4. #484
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    Back in the 80s,two of my sisters had gone to Mexico to explore the Incan temples down that was when one of them got some nasty bug bites and needed to be hospitalized.
    Since the only way of sending the news home was a telegram,it was a bit upsetting that they didn't have money for a detailed message and had to use only 7 words.
    So my parents got this missive from Western Union:"Anacin the hospital STOPAdamant bitter asinine places STOP".

  5. #485
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    Default Moon over Memphis

    This was several years ago on live TV.All the players have since moved on to different local stations.
    One night,the weather forecaster was going to teach a little astronomy to the viewers and the lead in went a little like this:
    Claudia(seated at the news desk):"Jim,what will you be showing us tonight with the weather?"
    Jim:"Claudia,tonight when we come back,we'll be studying the moons around Uranus."
    The stage crew was able to wait under the commercial break before they couldn't hold it in anymore and everyone began braying like a bunch of jacks and jennies.

  6. #486
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    So,this Mafioso hired himself a deaf accountant believing that the man wouldn't give away how much wealth he'd accumulated.However,he didn't count on the guy being a good enough cheat to skim off money for years until the IRS got ahold of him and the Don found how much he'd lost since hiring the deaf man.
    After doing his time,the Dom hires an ASL interpreter and starts to find out where his money is.
    It isn't long until the accountant has had enough "persuasion" and decides to tell that he'd hidden the money.
    The interpreter figures that the mafioso doesn't sign so he decides to play like the guy is still refusing to talk.
    Finally,the Don has had enough and pulls his gun,cocks it and aims directly at his soon to be former accountant's head.
    Frantically,the accountant begins signing"I hid the money under my garage that I had built years ago.Please don't kill me."
    The Don asks what the signing meant and the interpreter replies"He says that you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

  7. #487
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    The charges were being read against a defendent on court:
    Judge:"You are hereby charged with killing your wife with a shovel."
    Onlooker in courtroom:"You lying son of a b****!"
    Judge:"I will have order in this court!Now,you are also charged with killing the mailman with a nail gun."
    Onlooker:"Why you unconcious bustard!"
    Judge:"SIT DOWN,YOU!You are also charged with using a hammer to beat a paperboy to death"
    Onlooker:"Throw him so far under the jail they have to slingshot daylight to him."
    Judge"Sir,you will be quiet or I WILL have the bailliff escort you to a cell on contempt of court charges."
    Onlooker:Sorry,your Honor.It's just that the defendent has lived next to me for 15 years and do you think ONCE he's had a tool that I could borrow when I needed?"

  8. #488
    Forum Member kprsn1's Avatar
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    A woman went to the doctor’s office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

    After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

    An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

    The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? This woman is 56 years old; she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”

    The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
    SFPD Member MABAS Division 47
    Told my wife I'm at work. Told my boss I'm sick. I'm really at the fire station.
    I.A.C.O.J.

  9. #489
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    A woman is in a coma at the hospital for several months and showing no progress. The nurses notice that the only time she responds is when they sponge bath her private area, she giggles and moves a little. They come up with a plan and the doc agrees. The doc tells the desperate husband that they will give him 10 minutes of privacy to try oral sex and see if his wife responds more than she has with the nurses washing her. The man is very scepticle but agrees to try. The nurses and doc see the monitor go into asystole after a few minutes of the man being in the room. The doc goes in and confirms the woman's death and ask's "what did you do? She's dead!" The man responds "I tried oral sex but I think she choked on it!"

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