Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #51
    Forum Member
    Skwerl530's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    TN
    Posts
    232

    Default

    For out friends up north...

    A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.


    ok I admit it I stole that one from here:
    http://funny2.com/bar.htm
    We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.

  2. #52
    MembersZone Subscriber
    RoughRider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Oyster Bay, NY
    Posts
    798

    Default

    Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing he realizes that his
    wife Sue is teeing up on the Red Tees directly in his way. Unable to stop
    his swing he nails it and hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.

    A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

    Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to
    the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that
    correct?"

    Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"

    Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"

    Joe: "Was it a Titleist Three?"

    Coroner: "Yes, it was"

    Joe: "That was my mulligan"
    Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.

    The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter!! Either side of the hill.


    IACOJ PROUD

  3. #53
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Memphis Tn,USA-now
    Posts
    5,436

    Default

    Try the bowline and dragon bowline next time.
    Maybe hire a band for the rim shots?

    Quote Originally Posted by Co11FireGal
    I love that one! I told it the last time I did a ropes drill though, and all I got was ---->

  4. #54
    Forum Member
    skyraider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    601

    Default

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

  5. #55
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Illinois
    Posts
    600

    Default

    A young girl lived next to the fire staion and loved to watch the the fire trucks go by. One summer day she tied her dog around the neck and tied her cat by the balls to her red wagon. As the dog and cat pulled her up and down the street as she sat in the her wagon, one of the fireman asked her "Why don't you tie the rope around the cats neck, too? He'll be able to pull better." The young girl replied; "But, then I won't have a siren."
    An education is only wasted when the taught individual chooses not to recognize the value of the lesson.

  6. #56
    Cpt. Common Sents
    nbfcfireman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Amherst, NY
    Posts
    228

    Default

    So theres this big fire at a factory in a small town that has only 1 vehicle in its Fire Dept.
    So the Chief calls up dispatch "give me everyone, this things goin' good"
    So dispatch calls all the companies in the area and a bunch of other companyies show up.

    After hours of fighting they still cant get the fire out.

    Just as the chief is calling dispact asking for more help a old rusty engine comes flying down the hill.

    The rusty old truck goes right into the building followed by a few explosions.

    4 firemen come running out of the building just as it explodes..and the fire slowly goes out.
    THe 4 men walk up to the chief and the chief says"what do you think your doing..you could of killed yourself..and look you destroyed your truck."
    one of the four firefighters said "yeah..the truck had no brakes, it was all rusty and we just wanted to get rid of it."

    ................


    Q: why do Truckie's cut holes in roofs?
    A: So they can see what real firemen are doing.

    ...............

    The Chief and Deputy were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets. Chief gets up from his coffee and says, "Jeez, okay."

    Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Chief gets up from his coffee and says, "Jeez, okay."

    Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Chief didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to the Deputy, "Jeez, what am I going to do now?"

    The Deputy replies, "Aw Chief, just leave the car in the garage!"

    thats enough stealing jokes for one day

  7. #57
    MembersZone Subscriber
    ROOKIELZ's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,650

    Default

    I told my DC husband that last joke...
    it went over like a lead balloon.
    IACOJ
    If you are willing to teach;
    I am willing to learn.

  8. #58
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Waterboro, Maine
    Posts
    520

    Default

    A fellow walks into the coffee shop on Monday morning with 2 black eyes, and all the regulars asked " what happened?" He explained that yesterday at church, when evryone stood up to sing, he noticed that the fat lady in front of him had her dress wedged in her butt crack. He thought it looked uncomfortable so he gently pulled it out for her. He explained that she swung around and punched him right in the eye.
    "That's awful" said the regulars, so how did you get the other black eye?
    Well he says, she obviously didn't like her dress out of her crack, so I figured I'd poke it back in for her, and be damned if she didn't turn around and belt me in the other eye. " Some people just can't be pleased."
    There goes the neighborhood.

  9. #59
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Posts
    80

    Default

    Why did God create men?

    A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
    All of the above comments are solely mine and not those of anyone else.

    Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.

    Some see the glass as half-empty, some see it as half-full, I just wonder who in the H#$* is drinking my beer!!

  10. #60
    MembersZone Subscriber
    JHR1985's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    DFW
    Posts
    1,917

    Default

    after reading this and wasting my time, I have found the best joke so far to be.....

    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
    I laughed so hard at that one, because it was sooo freaking stupid that it was funny.

  11. #61
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    Clermont County, Ohio
    Posts
    569

    Default

    A dog with with a wounded leg hobbles into the saloon and up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    A dog with an artifical leg hobbles into the saloon and up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for my real paw."
    Proud to be honored with IACOJ membership. Blessed by TWO meals cooked by Cheffie - a true culinary goddess. Expressing my own views, not my organization's.

  12. #62
    Forum Member
    Dave1983's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Gator Country
    Posts
    4,157

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ohiovolffemtp
    A dog with with a wounded leg hobbles into the saloon and up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    A dog with an artifical leg hobbles into the saloon and up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for my real paw."
    Arnt jokes supposed to be funny?
    Fire Marshal/Safety Officer

    IAAI-NFPA-IAFC/VCOS-Retired IAFF

    "No his mind is not for rent, to any god or government"
    RUSH-Tom Sawyer

    Success is when skill meets opportunity
    Failure is when fantasy meets reality

  13. #63
    MembersZone Subscriber
    sj2110's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Posts
    14

    Default

    What does chaos stand for?

    Cheif
    Has
    Arrived
    On
    Scene
    Just my humle two cents. I know that doesn't mean much.

  14. #64
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Waterboro, Maine
    Posts
    520

    Default

    How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty hose?




    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    *
    15

    Ten little pigs, two calves, an *****, a beaver, and a fish you can never find.
    There goes the neighborhood.

  15. #65
    MembersZone Subscriber

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    42

    Default

    Two blondes walked into a bar.

    You would have thought the second would have learned from the first's mistake.

  16. #66
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    236

    Default

    I have a new "knock-knock" joke for you.

    You have to start it.

  17. #67
    Forum Member
    tfpd109's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    On the flatest land around! (In central Il.)
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Knock-Knock (why do we knock? I ought to just ring the door bell) Ding-Dong

  18. #68
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    236

    Default

    Who's there??

  19. #69
    Forum Member
    tfpd109's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    On the flatest land around! (In central Il.)
    Posts
    618

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SamuelFire
    Who's there??

    Bob (must be 10 characters)

  20. #70
    Forum Member
    Res343cue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Your 1st due.
    Posts
    1,651

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by tfpd109
    Bob (must be 10 characters)
    ...Bob who?





    Oh *****.. what am I walking into?
    Quote Originally Posted by ThNozzleMan
    Why? Because we are firemen. We are decent human beings. We would be compelled by the overwhelming impulse to save an innocent child from a tragic, painful death because in the end, we are MEN.

    I A C O J
    FTM-PTB


    Honorary Disclaimer: While I am a manufacturer representative, I am not here to sell my product. Any advice or knowledge shared is for informational purposes only. I do not use Firehouse.Com for promotional purposes.

  21. #71
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    46

    Default

    (Q) Why did the elephant lay on his back?..........

    (A) To trip birds

  22. #72
    Forum Member

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    9

    Default To begin with, i'm sorry (always a good disclaimer, right?)

    A baby seal walks in to a club..........................
























    yes, that was it............................MMMPHPHPHPH, MMMMMMMMMMMMMPHPHPHPHPH........PATUWY. Sorry, it took me a second to get the duck tape off my mouth from that one.

  23. #73
    IACOJ BOD
    FlyingKiwi's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    4,757

    Default

    A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother.
    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
    "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
    "Very good," said her mother.
    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
    "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
    The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
    "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
    "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
    "No, Honey, it's because you're 25
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  24. #74
    Forum Member
    scvfd412's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    170

    Default my 2 cents

    A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    How firefighter's identify a HAZMAT chemical using the Tri-COP-Scope Method:

    1. Officer standing/Car running: Not hazardous

    2. Officer unconscious/Car running: Toxic fumes.

    3. Officer unconscious/Car stalled: Oxygen displacing chemical

    4. Officer/Car both melting: Acidic chemical.

    5. Officer/Car on fire: Extremely flammable.

  25. #75
    Forum Member
    scvfd412's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    170

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by nbfcfireman
    Q: why do Truckie's cut holes in roofs?
    A: So they can see what real firemen are doing.
    My favorite!

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

Log in

Click here to log in or register