A priest a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Barkeeps asks"What is this a joke?"
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Thread: Random Jokes
07-18-2005, 02:08 PM #41
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- Memphis Tn,USA-now
07-18-2005, 02:23 PM #42Originally posted by Rossco
How many blonde jokes are there?Shawn M. Cecula
IACOJ Division of Fire and EMS
07-18-2005, 02:54 PM #43
What should you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!Resident Chaplain of the IACOJ
07-18-2005, 09:38 PM #44
A blonde, brunette and redhead are all participating against one another in the 100 meter breast stroke.
The redhead finishes first, followed by the brunette. About 2 hours later the blonde finishes, and starts yelling at the officials, "hey no fair they where both using there arms!!!"You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
07-18-2005, 10:42 PM #45
How Blonde Was She???
She was Soooooooo Blonde ...
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which..... that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
"What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?"
The blond replied,,,,,"Two popsicles, and some coffee."
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." the boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"
07-19-2005, 02:16 PM #46
- Join Date
- Mar 2005
- Waterboro, Maine
A boy scout, Jesse Jackson, George Bush, and the Pope were on an airplane when the pilot says " we are going down, everyone bail out."
At that point the 4 passengers saw the pilot bail, so they look around and realize there are only 3 parachutes.
The president says, " I'm the president, I have to live." So he puts on a pack, and bails out.
Jesse Jackson says, " I'm the smartest person in the world, I have to live." So he puts on a pack and bails out.
The Pope looks at the young boy, and says, " son, I've lived a good life, and I wish the same for you, so you go and put that last parachute on, and I'll go down with the plane."
The boyscout says, " it's ok Mr. Pope, we can both live, because the smartest person in the world just bailed out of the plane with my backpack."There goes the neighborhood.
07-19-2005, 02:47 PM #47
The son asks his father "Dad, whats the difference between THEORY and REALITY"
"Well son I can show you the difference better than tell you."
"Son I want you to go upstairs to your sisters room and ask her if she would sleep with a total stranger for a million bucks"
So the boy goes upstairs and returns to his father, "she said yes"
"Ok son, now go ask the same question to your mother".
So the boy goes back up and returns, "Mom said yes too"!
"Well you see son, in THEORY we are sittin on two million bucks".
"In REALITY were' living with a couple of whores".
07-24-2005, 03:51 AM #48
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark infested custard
/me marks comedian off possible career listsWe struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.
07-24-2005, 08:21 AM #49
thats almost as bad as:
three guys walk into a bar, you would think one of them would have seen it."There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."
For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.
07-24-2005, 05:16 PM #50Originally posted by PattyV
thats almost as bad as:
three guys walk into a bar, you would think one of them would have seen it.
A termite walks into a bar and asks:
Is the Bar Tender Here?Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!
07-24-2005, 09:09 PM #51
For out friends up north...
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
ok I admit it I stole that one from here:
http://funny2.com/bar.htmWe struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.
07-28-2005, 01:48 PM #52
Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing he realizes that his
wife Sue is teeing up on the Red Tees directly in his way. Unable to stop
his swing he nails it and hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.
A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to
the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that
Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"
Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"
Joe: "Was it a Titleist Three?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was"
Joe: "That was my mulligan"Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.
The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter!! Either side of the hill.
08-09-2005, 05:41 PM #53
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- Memphis Tn,USA-now
Try the bowline and dragon bowline next time.
Maybe hire a band for the rim shots?
Originally Posted by Co11FireGal
08-17-2005, 02:52 PM #54
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
08-17-2005, 03:51 PM #55
- Join Date
- Oct 2004
A young girl lived next to the fire staion and loved to watch the the fire trucks go by. One summer day she tied her dog around the neck and tied her cat by the balls to her red wagon. As the dog and cat pulled her up and down the street as she sat in the her wagon, one of the fireman asked her "Why don't you tie the rope around the cats neck, too? He'll be able to pull better." The young girl replied; "But, then I won't have a siren."An education is only wasted when the taught individual chooses not to recognize the value of the lesson.
08-17-2005, 05:29 PM #56
So theres this big fire at a factory in a small town that has only 1 vehicle in its Fire Dept.
So the Chief calls up dispatch "give me everyone, this things goin' good"
So dispatch calls all the companies in the area and a bunch of other companyies show up.
After hours of fighting they still cant get the fire out.
Just as the chief is calling dispact asking for more help a old rusty engine comes flying down the hill.
The rusty old truck goes right into the building followed by a few explosions.
4 firemen come running out of the building just as it explodes..and the fire slowly goes out.
THe 4 men walk up to the chief and the chief says"what do you think your doing..you could of killed yourself..and look you destroyed your truck."
one of the four firefighters said "yeah..the truck had no brakes, it was all rusty and we just wanted to get rid of it."
Q: why do Truckie's cut holes in roofs?
A: So they can see what real firemen are doing.
The Chief and Deputy were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets. Chief gets up from his coffee and says, "Jeez, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Chief gets up from his coffee and says, "Jeez, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Chief didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to the Deputy, "Jeez, what am I going to do now?"
The Deputy replies, "Aw Chief, just leave the car in the garage!"
thats enough stealing jokes for one day
08-17-2005, 06:14 PM #57
I told my DC husband that last joke...
it went over like a lead balloon.IACOJ
If you are willing to teach;
I am willing to learn.
08-17-2005, 11:36 PM #58
- Join Date
- Mar 2005
- Waterboro, Maine
A fellow walks into the coffee shop on Monday morning with 2 black eyes, and all the regulars asked " what happened?" He explained that yesterday at church, when evryone stood up to sing, he noticed that the fat lady in front of him had her dress wedged in her butt crack. He thought it looked uncomfortable so he gently pulled it out for her. He explained that she swung around and punched him right in the eye.
"That's awful" said the regulars, so how did you get the other black eye?
Well he says, she obviously didn't like her dress out of her crack, so I figured I'd poke it back in for her, and be damned if she didn't turn around and belt me in the other eye. " Some people just can't be pleased."There goes the neighborhood.
08-18-2005, 12:52 AM #59
- Join Date
- Oct 2002
Why did God create men?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawnAll of the above comments are solely mine and not those of anyone else.
Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
Some see the glass as half-empty, some see it as half-full, I just wonder who in the H#$* is drinking my beer!!
08-26-2005, 12:02 AM #60
after reading this and wasting my time, I have found the best joke so far to be.....
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
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