Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #76
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    Two probies decide one day to go hunting together.
    Neither one of them are very "woodsy", but they plan to have a good time nonetheless.
    As they are stealthily walking through the forest, one of happens upon a set of tracks.
    "What do you think made these tracks?" the first probie asks.
    Before the second probie could answer, the train hit them!




    Kevin
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    Two blondes are walking down the street. As they pass a florist shop, the first blonde glances into the store and sees her boyfriend buying a dozen red roses. "Oh, that's just great! she says to the second blonde.
    "What's the matter?" asks the second blonde. "Aren't you glad your boyfriend is buying you roses?" "No." replies the first blonde. "Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend on my back, with my legs up in the air!"
    "Why?" asks the second blonde. "Don't you have a vase?"




    Kevin
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    IAFF Local 2339
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    Member I.A.C.O.J.
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    "Fir na tine"

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    Talking This Is So Sad :-(



    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

    When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!!!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Talking Lunch?

    A father brings his two boys into a restaurant. One is about 4 the 7. The waitress asks the 7 year old. "What you like today cutie?" the 7 yr. old responds "Bring me a g*d d*mn cheese burger, b*tch!" At this the father smacks the 7 yr old onto the floor. The waitress is shocked, but then asks the younger "And what would you like pumpkin?".
    With that the 4 year old says "Well you bet your sweet *****, it won't be a g*d d*mned cheese burger!!"
    "If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles."
    ********

    IACOJ

    ********

    "Criticism is prejudice made plausible."
    - H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

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    From a Co-Worker:

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

    The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Default Do you know Jack Schitt?

    The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".
    Read on & you will be able to handle the situation intelligently.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt & O.Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertilizer magnate,married O.Schitt,a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt,Inc.

    Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt, & the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, & the twins Deap Schitt & Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents wishes,Deap Schitt Married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

    After 15 years of marriage, Jack Schitt & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, & out of devotion to her childern, decided to hyphenate her last name, & became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung,who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt & Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, & Hoarse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

    So, NOW if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!",you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
    Back to top
    There goes the neighborhood.

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    Very Nice,

    Although, I don't know how I'll remember that whole joke.
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

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    Sounds like a whole loto Schitt to me
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    So far my favorite has been the skeleton and the mop.

    Here's my damage:

    The Pentagon is looking for volunteers for a special mission. They've narrowed the list down to three individuals: A marine, a ranger, and a sniper. They bring all three in for the final test.

    First they bring the marine back, hand him a gun, and say "Through this door is your wife, as your final test you must go in there and shoot her."
    The marine can't believe his ears, "No Way! Not for anything! Forget your mission.".

    Next they bring the ranger back and give him the same spiel. The ranger takes the run and enters the room. Four minutes later he comes out crying, "I'm sorry, I tried. I love my wife too much. Forget your mission."

    Finally they bring the sniper back. He takes the gun and disappears into the room. Suddenly there's the sound a struggle, . Finally the sniper comes out of the room, "You didn't tell me the gun wasn't loaded! I had to beat the b$$ch with a chair"

  10. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rossco
    The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!".
    Read on & you will be able to handle the situation intelligently.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt & O.Schitt. Awe Schitt,the fertilizer magnate,married O.Schitt,a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt,Inc.

    Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt, & the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, & the twins Deap Schitt & Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents wishes,Deap Schitt Married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

    After 15 years of marriage, Jack Schitt & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, & out of devotion to her childern, decided to hyphenate her last name, & became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung,who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt & Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, & Hoarse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

    So, NOW if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!",you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
    Back to top
    That's just funny as Schitt!



    Kevin
    Fire Lieutenant/E.M.T.
    IAFF Local 2339
    K of C 4th Degree
    "LEATHER FOREVER"
    Member I.A.C.O.J.
    http://www.tfdfire.com/
    "Fir na tine"

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    "Boss's Notes": heheheeeeeheehee

    Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game.

    "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

    "Okay." They all agree.

    The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

    "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

    Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

    That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

    "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

    "Well, me, Patrick and Anthony each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"

    Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

    >>>>>>>>>>>>

    For those who have actually experienced a day like this you will appreciate...... For those who have not your time will soon come.......

    Subject: Do you suffer from AAADD?

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:

    I decide to water my garden.

    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

    As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

    I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and noticed that the can is full.

    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take

    out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

    I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

    My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is

    getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

    As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the

    counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

    I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

    So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

    Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

    At the end of the day: the driveway is flooded the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

    Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired .

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

    Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

    Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! Ya, I think I suffer from this too...

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.

    So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

    The girl responds: "Which one? We have:

    Gymnasium Barbie: 19.95

    Volleyball Barbie: 19.95

    Shopping Barbie: 19.95

    Surfer Barbie: 19.95

    Disco Barbie: 19.95 AND

    Divorced Barbie: 299.95

    Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 299.95 when all the other Barbies are 19.95?"

    Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes
    with:

    Ken's Car

    Ken's House

    Ken's Boat

    Ken's furniture

    Ken's jewellery

    Ken's money

    Ken's computer, and

    Ken's best friend...."


    **Ya I know one or two might be kinda older than Dirt....... (but then so are some of The Brothers here too.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Default Math

    short & sweet, kinda like.... (well ok that's another story!). Here goes:

    Alcohol & Calculus don't mix; Never drink & derive!
    ~Kevin
    Firefighter/Paramedic
    --^v--^v--^v--^v--
    Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong
    Dennis Miller

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    A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
    He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
    She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
    He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
    The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
    The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
    The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F" means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?'
    The man answered, "'S-H-I-T"' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its Thursday'
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A man boards an jetliner, takes his seat and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

    The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.*

    "Hey, bitch, says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!

    The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks
    back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

    Visibly ****ed, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

    "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini and don't drag your sorry *** - I want it right now!"

    The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.

    In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight
    attendants.

    They seized the passenger and the parrot, opened the emergency exit door,
    and threw them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet altitude.

    As the two fell out of the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, you
    got a lotta balls for someone who can't fly"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Taxi Driver

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, went up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me...

    The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

    The driver replied, No, No, I'm sorry, it's my fault entirely. Today is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years....
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

    Here's what happened to Buford:

    Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
    had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical
    insurance number and told him to have a seat.

    Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.

    Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

    A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.

    Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

    An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.

    Buford said, Shingles.

    The doctor asked, Where?

    Buford said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"
    Last edited by kghemtp; 06-20-2006 at 12:32 PM.
    ~Kevin
    Firefighter/Paramedic
    --^v--^v--^v--^v--
    Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong
    Dennis Miller

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    How to pass through Customs agents:

    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

    "Of course. What may I do for you?"

    "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

    "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

    "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

    The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

    "I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    A bear walks into a pub in Alabama and asks for a beer.

    "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Birmingham" replied the bartender.

    "Say what?" the bear replied.

    "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Birmingham."

    "Listen" the bear stated, "if I don't get a beer pronto, that ol' lady sittin' at the end of the bar is dinner."

    "We don't serve beers to bears in bars in Birmingham."

    With that, the bear gets up, goes to the end of the bar, and proceeds to have dinner.

    "OK mac, now about that beer..."

    "Sir, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Birmingham on drugs."

    "Whoa, where did drugs come from???"

    "Well, wasn't that a barbituate???"

    Proud member of the IACOJ.

    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....

    "It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

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    Did you hear Willie Nelson died?




    He was playing on the road again.
    "Train as if your life depends on it"
    Always Remember *343*

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    From my Boss:

    Bill Gates 11 Rules of Life


    A good one to pass on to your children if you have any....

    Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!


    Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.



    Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

    Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

    Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

    Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

    Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

    Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

    Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

    Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

    Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

    Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

    Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  18. #93
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    Talking

    Here is a little Gem sent to me via the Webernet.

    HER FIRST PAYCHECK

    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5
    year old girl and some construction workers. makes you believe that we CAN
    make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

    A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
    construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
    young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
    activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
    workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
    more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
    lunch
    breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
    important.

    At the end of the first week they even presented her with
    a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl proudly took
    this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration
    and
    suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank
    the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the
    little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

    The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
    the house next door to us."

    "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on he
    house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will if those Ba$tards at Home Depot ever
    deliver the goddamn drywall".
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

  19. #94
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    You Might Be A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If...

    Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing to the scene.
    You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
    You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
    Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire getting drunk.
    You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire.
    That outhouse fire was with entrapment.
    You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their land.
    Your personal vehicle has more blue lights on it than your house has in it.
    You've ever walked through a Christmas display and came up with more than one new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
    Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
    Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
    Dispatch can't mention your companies name with out laughing.
    The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarrassed them last time.
    You've ever referred to a light bar as sweet.
    Your defibrillator consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery and a fish finder.
    You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
    Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
    Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
    You've ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire.
    The primary color of your company engines is "bondo".
    Your new $500,000.00 ladder truck was custom ordered with a spit cup holder.
    The Chief's car has a rag for a gas cap.
    If your apparatus has NASCAR driver numbers on them.
    Some of your 5" hard hose was converted into a fly fishing rod holder.
    Before your apparatus leaves the station on a call, the senior officer says, "Gentlemen, start your engines.
    Fire fighters punishment consist of taking away their chewing tobacco.
    Your apparatus has carbon monoxide detectors mounted INSIDE the cab.
    You return from a fire with more junk than you responded with.
    Your job shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large".
    You have more antennas on the roof of your car than your dispatch center has on its roof.


    ^gotta thank the boyz back at hoopieworld for that (hoopieworld is a whacker site for our area)

  20. #95
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    Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
    That is sooo true. I only made 50k right out of high school

  21. #96
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    Talking Jeff Foxworthy's defintion of Fire

    Fire (fi'-er), conj and v. An empathetic supposition involving placing oneself in anothers' position. "Fire you, I'd look for a new place to live."

    Here's a few more.....

    fission (fi'-shin), n. the act of capturing coldblooded, aquatic craniate vertebrates. " Ever since they put up that nuclear power plant, the fission been terrible".

    fitness (fit'-nes), v. and n. to be able to wear a snug garment. "And you didn't think I could fitness bathin' suit after three kids!"

    fixture (fiks'_chur), v. to have repaired the property of another. "It seems like you would be nicer to me since I just fixture car".


    These are from Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary. I thought ya'll (or as we say, you guys) would get a laugh out of them.


    Melissa

  22. #97
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    The other day,I picked up a friend at the airport who was more in the bag than usual.
    I found out that the flight scared her unlike other times and it wasn't the weather.
    The pilots had boarded the plane wearing dark glasses,one being lead by a guide dog and the other tapping around with a cane.
    Everyone that saw it thought it was a joke until the plane started moving.When they reached the runway and started the takeoff roll,the passengers noticed that the buildings at the end of the runway were getting closer and closer,with no sign that the plane was going to rotate off the runway into flight.
    They naturally started yelling"Lift off!Lift OFF!"and other assorted cries until the plane left the ground and started flying.
    What disturbed my friend was she was sitting close enough to the cockpit to over hear,over the engines and other noises a plane makes,"Y'know,Steve,one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
    That's when Jamie started ordering doubles and hijacked the drink cart.
    Last edited by doughesson; 07-13-2006 at 03:43 PM.

  23. #98
    IACOJ BOD
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    My wife left me ...
    I don't understand.
    After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
    Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping. The receipt included $45 in makeup.
    I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
    She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
    I told her, "Didn't you know, that's what the beer was for!"
    I don't think she'll be back.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  24. #99
    IACOJ BOD
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    Default Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain

    Prances With Wolves
    Jeremiah's Johnson
    The Pleasure Of The Sierra, Padre
    Butch Assidy And The Bundance Kid
    The Man Who Shot All Over Liberty Valance
    Paint Your Fag On
    How The West Was Hung
    The Wild Brunch
    He Wore A Yellow Ribbon
    The Legend Of The Long Ranger
    Doc's Holiday With Billy The Kid
    Very Raw Hide
    Lonesome Doug
    The Hoarse Soldiers
    Destry Rides Again... And Again
    Mccabe And Mr. Miller
    Hi, Plains Drifter!
    The Magnificent Seven Inches
    Quickly Down Under
    Bareback Mounting
    Bone-nanza
    Don't Mess With Tex' @ss
    Home On The Ranger
    Rooster Cockburn
    Little Bathhouse On The Prairie
    Baloney Pony Rodeo
    Tubesteak Cowboys
    The Good, The Bad, And The Fabulous
    Silver-rod-owww
    Last edited by FlyingKiwi; 07-11-2006 at 05:36 AM.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  25. #100
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    The Differences Between Men and Women

    Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
    Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
    pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner,
    and again they enjoy themselves.

    They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
    neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

    One evening when they're driving home, a thought
    occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
    aloud: "Roger, do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been
    seeing each other for exactly six months?"

    And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
    very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
    bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by
    our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
    some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

    And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
    kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
    more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want
    us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ...I
    mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each
    other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage?
    Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that
    level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Roger is thinking: ...so that means it was ...let's see
    ...February when we started going out, which was right after I
    had the car at the dealer's, which means ...lemme check the
    odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here...

    And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
    Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from
    our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
    sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
    reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
    to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
    rejected.

    And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
    transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
    still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
    the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
    out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and
    I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

    And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
    angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but
    I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

    And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
    warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

    And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
    for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
    sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
    being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to
    truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
    self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty I'll give
    them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right
    up their ....

    "Roger," Elaine says aloud.

    "What?" asks Roger, startled.

    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
    beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ...Oh
    God, I feel so....." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

    "What?" says Roger, totally perplexed.

    "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
    knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
    there's no horse."

    "There's no horse?" says Roger.

    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

    "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    "It's just that ...It's that I ...I need some time," Elaine says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
    can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
    with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

    (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
    really feel that way?" she says.

    "What way?" says Roger.

    "That way about time," says Elaine.

    "Oh," says Roger. Still hoping he's on the right track he
    responds, "Yes."

    (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
    him to become very nervous about what she might say next,
    especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

    "Thank you, Roger," Elaine says.

    "Thank you," says Roger.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
    tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back
    to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
    immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
    between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
    the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
    going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no
    way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better
    if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
    regarding world hunger.)

    The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
    of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight
    hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she
    said and everything he said, going over it time and time again,
    exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of
    meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
    continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
    months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
    getting bored with it, either.

    Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
    friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving,
    frown, and ask: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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