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  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by res54cuecaptain
    You Might Be A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If...

    If your apparatus has NASCAR driver numbers on them.


    ^gotta thank the boyz back at hoopieworld for that (hoopieworld is a whacker site for our area)
    At least one of Memphis' trucks qualify here:Truck 8 looks like Dale Jr's paint crew got ahold of it and put the numbers on it.
    Does that make Memphis(tn)Fire Department a redneck fire department?

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi
    Lonesome Doug
    I've been lonely but never THAT lonely,y'all.

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    A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
    for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps
    next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving
    you a hard time," says the truck driver.
    "I'll buy you another drink...I just can't stand to see a man
    crying."


    "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
    "I can't do anything right...I overslept and was late to an important
    meeting, so my boss fired me...when I went to the parking lot,
    I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance...I grabbed a cab
    home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the
    cab...at home I found my wife in bed with the gardener...then I came
    to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life...
    and you show up and drink the damn poison.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  4. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi
    A pathetic guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink
    for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps
    next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving
    you a hard time," says the truck driver.
    "I'll buy you another drink...I just can't stand to see a man
    crying."


    "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
    "I can't do anything right...I overslept and was late to an important
    meeting, so my boss fired me...when I went to the parking lot,
    I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance...I grabbed a cab
    home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the
    cab...at home I found my wife in bed with the gardener...then I came
    to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life...
    and you show up and drink the damn poison.
    ROFLMAO!!!!!
    First in, Last out, nobody left behind.....

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    and you show up and drink the damn poison
    Ya know... when you're hav'n a bad day and then it just got WORSE!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  6. #106
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    Talking You might be a redneck volunteer fire department if.....

    (continued)

    1. Your two way radio transmissions all begin with "Breaker, Breaker"

    2. You have ever been dispatched to a working "cow" fire

    3. You ever put out a cow chip fire

    4. Your PASS alarm goes "Yeee Haw"

    5. Your dispatch center ever said "Y'all can't miss it"

    6. You used your rescue air bags as furniture at the fire station

    7. You refill your air bottles with the local gas station "Free Air" hose

    8. Your department has a Rescue Bubba and a Rescue Cow for training

    9. You only wash down the floor in the station to "keep the dust down"

    10. Your radio call signal is "Wheee doggies"

    11. You have to mark the department out of service two weeks during deer season and every Sunday during the Nascar Race

    12. You bought a computer for the department so you could get NASCAR Online on the Internet

    13. You count reading fire magazines in the bathroom as training hours

    14. Your last four fire department raffles were for a shotgun...and a member won it each time

    15. You borrowed the department's quick dump tank so you could have a neighborhood pool party

    16. Your safety officer is the person who broke his arm at the last house fire

    17. Your rehab consists of a cold beer and a pack of "nabs"

    18. Your last serious fire was your fire department BBQ

    19. You used your "good" fire hose as a bumper on your boat dock

    20. You have a shotgun rack in the back of your fire truck...and got two bucks on your last call

    21. Your Hurst tool is on loan to the local body shop

    22. You use a hanging noose knot for all your rescue operations because it's really adjustable

    23. You don't allow a person to join the department unless they own a pickup

    24. You wore a hole in your fire boots...while wearing them at your full time job

    25. You keep 2 packs of "Red Man" in your turnout gear for "mergencies"

    26. Your departments brush truck doubles as your hunting truck

    27. You voted against the last person for chief because he was a Gordon fan

    28. You painted your new rescue truck to look like Earnhardt's race car

    29. You borrowed the fire truck to use the spotlights for deer hunting

    30. The directions to your last house fire was "Go down past the last house you burnt up"...and you know exactly which house they are talking about

    31. You ever went diving in a swimming pool with your SCBA equipment...just to see how it would work

    32. You must take the battery out of your tractor to put in the fire truck before you go on calls

    33. Your preacher borrows your PASS alarms each Sunday for church to keep the congregation awake

    34. You consider "2 in and 2 out" to be two guys in the cab and two on the tailboard of the truck

    35. The last girl you kissed was named Rescu-Annie and you enjoyed it so much you are thinking seriously about asking her out.
    First in, Last out, nobody left behind.....

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    Ya know... when you're hav'n a bad day and then it just got WORSE!
    Lol thats like on Rescue Me when Lou and the homeless guy were both gonna fry themselves and then Lou told his story and the drunk was like go ahead do it your life is worse than mine.
    NEVER FORGET!
    9/11/01

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    Quote Originally Posted by FDNY101TRUCK
    Lol thats like on Rescue Me when Lou and the homeless guy were both gonna fry themselves and then Lou told his story and the drunk was like go ahead do it your life is worse than mine.
    You know it's bad when you make your shrink cry....
    The comments made by me are my opinions only, not of the Fire and EMS services I am affiliated with.

    I have lost my mind..has anyone seen it? it's not worth much..but it's mine

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    There was a man who had a monkey as a pet and took the monkey almost everywhere he went. Well one day after a long day at work he decided to go to the local bar and have a few drinks. Well the man walks into the bar with the monkey and sits at the bar. The bartender walks up to the man and explains that the bar doesnt allow animals so the monkey had to leave. The man then explained that he took the monkey everywhere with him and the monkey was trained and well behaved and would sit at the bar beside the man the whole time and wouldnt bother anyone. The bartender reluctantly allowed the man to stay with the monkey and got the man a beer. The man and the monkey stayed a few hours drinking and eating the peanuts at the bar. After a few beers they headed home for the evening. The next day after work the man again decided to go to the bar and have a few drinks and again took the monkey along with him. The bartender again allowed the monkey and also gave the man a compliment on how well behaved the monkey was. Well after a few beers the man had to use the restroom and left the monkey at the bar. While the man went to the bathroom the monkey went over to the pool tables where a few bar regulars were playing pool. The monkey picked up the cue ball from one of the tables not in use and ate the cue ball and returned to the bar just before the man returned from the bathroom. The man then got the tab and went home for the night. Again the next day after work the man went home and got his monkey and went to the bar to enjoy some beer and peanuts. The bartender then noticed the monkey pick up a peanut, insert the peanut into his ***, remove it and eat the peanut. After the monkey repeated this process a few times the bartender asked the man why the monkey was doing that. The man then explained well yesterday he swallowed a cue ball and last night when he went to the bathroom the cue ball almost killed him coming out so now before he eats anything he makes sure it fits in both holes.

    Matt

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    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

    Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

    The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

    When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then f@rted."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate
    funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she
    tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the
    $30,000."

    The friend asks, "How can that be?"

    The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a
    donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the
    wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

    The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone?

    My God, how big is it?"

    The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
    Your a daisy if you do.

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    a bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone in the bus dies. while awaiting entry into heaven, god tells the group that since they have died in such a suddon horrific accident that he will grant them each one wish. the first person wishes to be beautiful and god makes the first person beautiful. the next person after hearing the first person's wish, also wishes to be beautiful. god also grants that persons wish and moves on. one after the other, everyone is wishing to be beautiful. about half way down the line, god hears some snickering coming from the back. when he gets about 3/4 of the way down, the snickering turns into laughter. when god gets to the end of the line, he sees a man crouched over laughing so hard he can barely breath. when god asks him what his wish is, the man starts to laugh even harder. finally the man is able to compose himself enough to reply "make em all ugly again."
    Your a daisy if you do.

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    Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

    Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.

    It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman.

    She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
    Your a daisy if you do.

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    Good: Your wife is pregnant.
    Bad: It's triplets.
    Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

    2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
    Bad: She wants a divorce.
    Ugly: She's a lawyer.

    3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
    Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
    Ugly: So are you.

    4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
    Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
    Ugly: You're in them.

    5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
    Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
    Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

    6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
    Ugly: He looks better than you.

    7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
    Bad: She keeps interrupting.
    Ugly: With corrections.

    8. Good: The postman's early.
    Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
    Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

    9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
    Bad: It's another man.
    Ugly: He's your best friend.

    10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
    Bad: As a hooker.
    Ugly: She makes more money than you do
    Your a daisy if you do.

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    lol good ones ftfdverbenec770
    First in, Last out, nobody left behind.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by FlyingKiwi
    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

    Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

    The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

    When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then f@rted."
    LMAO! That is so typical ! Lived that. My family is Irish. Ex is from Ireland.

    He would actually get up in the morning and have this "I am so proud of myself" look on his face. It was a dead give away. I would look at him, with those Irish eyes, and just laugh at his attempt to get away with what ever it was he did.

    Honestly I really didn't mind. I expected the same courtesy when I came home at 4 in the morning... out with the boys all night. ; )

    Melissa
    Last edited by firetruckred; 07-31-2006 at 01:02 PM.

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    If you're against logging try wiping your ***** with plastic.

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    Talking

    my credit card scratched my bum.

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    A very attractive woman goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.

    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

    "Are you the manager?" she asks softly, stroking his face with both
    hands. "Actually, no" the man replies.

    "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she
    says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid I can't but is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
    huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
    allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

    "Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    I have a Golden retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

    A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    On impulse, I told her no..........I was starting The Purina Diet again,
    although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
    but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
    with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
    Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry
    and that the food is nutritionally complete
    so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
    particularly a guy who was behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
    I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.
    (Copied from an e-mail I recieved, not a true event, hehe)

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    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.
    I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.
    HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA FOC-ROF-LMAO!!!
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    SOTALLY TOBER

    Starkle starkle little twink
    who the hell you are I think
    I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol
    I'm just a little slort of sheep
    I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
    I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here, the longer I get
    Just give me one more drink to fill me cup
    'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    A 90 year old man walks into a church and goes into the confessional

    The priest slides the privacy screen open and and says "yes?"

    The old man says "Father, I'm 90 years old, I've been happily married for 70 years and have 8 children 17 grand children and 12 great grand children.

    Yesterday, on the way home from the market I saw two 18 year old girls walking along the side of the road and stopped to give them a ride.

    Well father we ended up at a motel room and we all had sex together for over 4 hours.

    The priest asked if he was sorry for his sin, to which the old man replied
    "No, of corse not father!!"

    The priest, shocked asked "What kind of Catholic are you!!??"

    The old man replied " I'm not catholic father I'm a Jew"

    So the priest says " Well why are you telling me!!??"

    The old man replied " Hell father! I'm telling everybody!!!"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Default the wild west

    Way back in the wild wild west, 2 cowboys were drinking at a saloon when in walked this beautiful dame. She proceeds to the bar and orders a Sars. Upon taking a couple of mouthfuls, she begins to cough and choke.

    One of the cowboys walks up to her, lifts her dress, pulls aside her knickers and licks her bum from top to bottom a couple of times.

    She stops coughing and choking.

    Walking back to his seat, he turns to his drinking partner and says. "Yep, I wanted to try that there hind lick manouvre" : )

    Melissa

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    Melissa, I sent your joke around the office. This is what I got in reply:

    A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

    And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

    "Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

    And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
    And his dick deflated again.

    "Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

    The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

    And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"

    But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

    But still nothing happened. So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-b!atch, I said AT EASE!!"

    Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

    "What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

    The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-b!atch a dishonorable discharge!"
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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