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Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #141
    Forum Member pkfd7505's Avatar
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    I know, it was a bad one wasn't it Mal. Maybe this one will be better.

    Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
    ****ed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift In the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

    The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
    she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped
    in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the
    box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

    PKFPD
    IACOJ and proud of it


    Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


  2. #142
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    WWWWOOOOEEEEEEEEEE.... I would NEVER in any LIFETIME even consider something like that. I like Life, such as it is.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  3. #143
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    We've all "been here" before...
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  4. #144
    Fir Na Tine LuckyThirteen's Avatar
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    Default The Dangers Of Drinking

    Late Drinking Can Be Dangerous...

    A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."

    The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will not be any complaints in the morning.

    The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

    When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

    He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

    "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
    Tom Warshaw
    Station 13 (Bethel)
    Sumter Fire Department

    "Scientists believe that the world is composed mainly of hydrogen because in their opinion, it is the most abundant element. I however, feel the earth is composed mainly of stupidity, because it is more abundant than hydrogen." - Frank Zappa

    September 11, 2001. We Must Never Forget.

    In memory of Thomas Sabella, L-13, FDNY


    All opinions stated are my own and do not reflect the opinions of my department or any organization I may belong to.

  5. #145
    Forum Member res54cuecaptain's Avatar
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    Thumbs down

    Quote Originally Posted by LuckyThirteen
    Late Drinking Can Be Dangerous...

    A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."

    The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will not be any complaints in the morning.

    The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

    When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

    He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"

    "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
    excuse me, i have to go try and shoot that image out of my mind (literally, im lookin for my pistol right now)
    First in, Last out, nobody left behind.....

  6. #146
    Forum Member res54cuecaptain's Avatar
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    State Trooper pulls over someone for speeding, and ask for their license and registration. Drivers ask if he is selling tickets to State Policeman's Ball.

    State Trooper reply's, "State Troopers don't have balls". He thinks about it bust up laughing and gives driver back license and says have a nice day!!!




    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
    Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
    The results showed a reading of 0.0.
    The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


    oh yeah, Click Here for an instructional video (funny!)

    **WARNING VIDEO CONTAINS ADULT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT**
    Last edited by res54cuecaptain; 08-30-2006 at 08:25 PM.
    First in, Last out, nobody left behind.....

  7. #147
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Ok. I know Ann Coulter wrote a book or two, but about all I kinda know of her is what folks have written, however based on that.... (NO I did not create this cartoon!)
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  8. #148
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    Default

    A train hits a busload of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

    They are all at the pearly gates and meet St. Peter.

    St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
    contact with a penis?"

    She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of
    one with the tip of my finger."

    St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
    and pass through the gate."

    St. Peter asks the next girl the same question. "Jennifer, have
    you ever had any contact with a penis?"

    The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled
    and stroked one."

    St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and
    pass through the gate."

    All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
    One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

    When she reaches the front of the line, St. Peter says, "Lisa!
    What seems to be the rush?!"

    Lisa replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
    I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ***** in it."

  9. #149
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    Default Kids in Church

    A wife invited some people to dinner.

    At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

    "Would you like to say the blessing?"

    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

    "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

    The daughter bowed her head and said,

    "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

  10. #150
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    Default Kids in church 2

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

    Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

    "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

    'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

    "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

  11. #151
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    Default Kids in church, last one

    A little boy was overheard praying:

    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

    I'm having a real good time like I am."

  12. #152
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    Default Monk-E-Mail

    This is not a joke, it is more like a prank, but funny. You can customise it and sent it to anyone.

    http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/?mid=12912473

  13. #153
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    Default Life Explained...

    On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

    On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

  14. #154
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    Default "Old Farts"

    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
    chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

    "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

    The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
    chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
    the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it:
    You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell
    you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins
    gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young
    rooster laughs.

    "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will
    give you a head start."

    The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
    rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
    farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
    farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
    he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he
    blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and
    says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

    Moral of this story? ..

    Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
    overcome youth and arrogance.

  15. #155
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    Default Candy and Old age

    There was once this kid sitting on the street corner eating candy bar after candy bar.

    Then along came an old man that told the kid he should stop eating all that candy.

    The kid asked why?

    The old man then asked “Well don’t you want to live a long time?”

    The kid then told the old man that his granddad lived to be 104 years old.

    The old man asked if he ate candy bar after candy bar?

    The kids response was NO… But he minded his own damn business!

  16. #156
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    Default Brokeback Deputies...

    Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

    He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

    He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

    They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

  17. #157
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    Default Women

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me ... "

    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

    If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

    What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.

    I married Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

  18. #158
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    Default Inheritance 101

    Inheritance 101

    When Charles found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

    Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother.

  19. #159
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by MalahatTwo7
    Ok. I know Ann Coulter wrote a book or two, but about all I kinda know of her is what folks have written, however based on that.... (NO I did not create this cartoon!)
    Off track response but you oughta read what SHE says,instead of basing your opinion,good or bad,on what you've read about her.

  20. #160
    MembersZone Subscriber MalahatTwo7's Avatar
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    Doug, that was just a disclaimer: I have no opinion of her in any fashion. As far as I am concerned, she is just another person with her point of view. No harm no foul, no insult intended.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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