Thread: Random Jokes

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    A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
    I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
    think of that?"

    The doctor replied,

    "I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake.

    When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead.

    What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year old said,

    "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

    The doctor said, "My point exactly."
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

    "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

    Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

    "Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

    You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

    Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

    "Could I see him?"

    So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

    Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

    "Yes, I will," says the genie.

    So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

    Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead, raining a virtual duck poop storm down on them. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.

    "Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

    Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

  3. #178
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    You know... I have to take my hat of to you Kiwi for the last two

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    So,there was the Cajun who enlisted in the Confederate Army during the War between the States and got captured after the Battle of Chickamauga.
    He was sent to a prison camp in Minnesota where he promptly began bragging to all who'd listen,"You know,we like ta beat da Hell outta dem dam Yankees at Chickamauga.We had any line of supplies,we'd a run them right into the Atlantic Ocean."
    This went on day after day,even when the prison observers showed up so the guards,who were getting upset at this prisoner that they couldn't break,couldn't administer any low level punishments on him.
    So the camp commander had him brought to him and told him that he couldn't say that anymore,that the war was almost over and they wanted to make sure everyone went back to being one Nation again.
    The Cajun kept refusing and repeating his line about"We'da run y'all right into the Hotlantic Ocean,we had any line a supply to back us up."
    Then the camp commander said,"Tell you what.If you stop telling everyone about how badly you beat us at Chicakamauga,we'll parole you and we'll let you join the Union Army to show everyone that we are trying to reconcile the two countries."
    "Join the Yankee Army?"says the Cajun.
    "Yes",said the camp commander,"We'll even make you a Sergeant and let you lead prisoner details."
    The Cajun thinks it over and decided to take the offer.
    So he gets enlisted and trained as a Sergeant and then comes the day he leads his first work detail of prisoners out of the camp.
    After setting the prisoners to work and making sure the guards were alert and posted,he turns to the Corporal of the Guard and says"You know what?Them damned Rebels like to beat the Hell outta us at Chickamauga.If they'd had any lines of supply,they might have run us all the way back to the Atlantic Ocean."

  5. #180
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    SOUTHERN GRANDMA

    Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

    She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Two blondes are walking on trails on seperate sides of the river. One blonde yells to the one on the other side. "How do you get to the other side of the river?" The second blonde yells back, "You idiot you are on the other side of the river."

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    What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?





    DAM!!!!

    I'm banned from telling anymore jokes ain't I? lol

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    A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.
    The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"
    The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday my wife is coming home from her vacation.
    The doc said, "Thats more than I wanted to know, but here's your 3 pills."
    A week later the doctor saw the man at the gas station, his arm in a cast, and sling.
    The doctor said, "What happened to you? Did the women all find out about one another?"
    The man said, "No, Nobody showed up....."

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    I'm banned from telling anymore jokes ain't I? lol

    No but the guy above you should be

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    Quote Originally Posted by JHR1985
    No but the guy above you should be
    I agree. LOL

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    Are you guys serious?!

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    These are probably older than the dirt from "Down Under" but oh well....
    (answers to follow shortly)

    This is what we have been waiting for...the true answers to 5 really important Questions:

    Q1: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

    Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

    Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

    Q4. WHY HURRICANES ARE NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

    Q5. WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

    Last edited by MalahatTwo7; 10-30-2006 at 09:55 AM.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

  13. #188
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    ANSWERS:


    Q1 - A: It's Braille for "suck here".

    Q2 - A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

    Q3 - A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

    Q4 - A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

    Q5 - A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

    Now, you know everything you need to know!


    Ya, I know. Its early and its Monday.....
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    There were these two Cajuns,Thibidoux and Clarence that grew up on opposite sides of the river and every day,they'd go to the banks and shout insults at each other.
    Then one day,they read in the paper that a new bridge was going to be built connecting their Parishes,so the vitriole got more and more louder as the crews worked.Everybody in both Parishes knew that when the bridge opened,there was going to be a big fight between the two.
    So,comes the big day and Thibidoux is heading for the bridge to have it out with his old nemesis but he returns home without a scratch on him.
    His mother asks"Did you have that fight?"
    "No",says he.
    "Did you see him?"
    "No,Mama"replies Thibidoux.
    "Well,tell me,boy,what happened?
    "Mama,I got to the bridge and I saw a sign said'Clarence ahead, 13'9" so I came on back home!He too big for me to whup."
    Last edited by doughesson; 10-31-2006 at 11:50 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JHR1985
    I heard Subway is coming out with a new kind of Japanese dogmeat sandwich. They're calling it the Sub-woofer.
    Ooooo that was bad....
    Really bad since it's the Koreans that consider dog a delicacy.It's not as good as horsemeat,though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JHR1985
    No but the guy above you should be
    I thought it was hilarious. I guess it was funnier from a woman's prospective.

  17. #192
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    Must be. I just told it to our goldfish to test it and didn't even get a reaction.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Ok, well it got a laugh at the Fire Dept but that might be because one of the guys had his arm in a cast. So, I asked what happened? (in front of everyone) and then said, let me guess. He will now be known as Lefty.

    Here is another one....

    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the woman's type I had been using, After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one good looking gentelman who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without hesitating, I looked at him and said..."I think I like playing with men's balls".

    I have more but will torture you all later. It is Halloween for the wee ones.
    Last edited by firetruckred; 10-31-2006 at 06:55 PM.

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    Default Teacher arrested at the airport

    TEACHER IS ARRESTED

    NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

    White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
    profound statement by the president.
    -------------------
    "The most mediocre man or woman can suddenly seem dynamic, forceful, and decisive if he or she is mean enough." from "Crazy Bosses"
    -----------------------------------------------
    Genius has its limits, but stupidity is boundless.

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    Too Funny :d
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TCFire
    Sunday Morning Sex
    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
    Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
    She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
    THAT explains the ambulances that seemed to appear like weeds on my ice cream truck route this summer! D

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    Finding a Friend.
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Default A Real Tear Jerker

    Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her.

    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

    Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking;

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.;.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms;

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened;

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway;

    6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area;

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows from the bedding department;

    8. September 23: When a clerk asked if she can help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?';

    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose;

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were;

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme;

    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
    different size funnels;

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and, when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!";

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!";

    And last, but not least ....

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

    Regards,

    Walmart


    OK.. now if this was me, I'd be "guilty" of #2 - setting the clocks. Well ok, maybe not the clocks, but I will hit all the "Press Here" buttons on the dancing/singing/talking stuffies in the toy department. Did this past week at the Wal-Mart in Renfrew, Ontario. My two sons looked at me kinda funny. Not really sure why, because I know for a definite fact that their Mother does that too. In fact she re-confirmed that when I told her that I had taken the boys through the toy dept - that was the first thing she said to me.
    If you don't do it RIGHT today, when will you have time to do it over? (Hall of Fame basketball player/coach John Wooden)

    "I may be slow, but my work is poor." Chief Dave Balding, MVFD

    "Its not Rocket Science. Just use a LITTLE imagination." (Me)

    Get it up. Get it on. Get it done!

    impossible solved cotidie. miracles postulo viginti - quattuor hora animadverto

    IACOJ member: Cheers, Play safe y'all.

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    Default You have got to amuse yourself

    Jeff Foxworthy talks about how to amuse yourself in general life.
    When stepping into the courthouse elevator,have your friend say to you"Yeah,I'll represent you but as your lawyer,you have to tell me why you shot that guy."
    "Because he kept staring at the back of my head."
    And another:
    In line at the bank:Ask the people in front of you"Hey,can you help me unjam this pistol?"

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    Quote Originally Posted by doughesson
    And another:
    In line at the bank:Ask the people in front of you"Hey,can you help me unjam this pistol?"
    That wouldn't go over too well here. OK well probably not anywhere.
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
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    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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