Thread: Random Jokes

  1. #1
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    Default Random Jokes

    I found this little tickler while surfing around one of my favourite comedy sites. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to post a few of your favourites.

    The Horniest Rooster

    A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

    So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

    Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there.

    Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!"

    But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

    Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

    "Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
    Never argue with an Idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience!

    IACOJ

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    Default Same farmers market.

    A guy went to the market to see about starting a farm, and was advised to start with a hen, rooster, and a donkey to plow the fields. So he is standing there holding his hen and rooster, getting some final instructions on getting his farm started, when his donkey decides to run off. So he hastily hands his hen and rooster off to a lady who was waiting in line, and says " here, hold my **** and pullet, while I go chase my *****."
    There goes the neighborhood.

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    Default

    A couple had been dabating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


    Services are pending.
    Fortune does not change men; it unmasks them.

    The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter!! Either side of the hill.


    IACOJ PROUD

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    A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a glass of water and a mop....
    NEVER FORGET!
    9/11/01

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    Originally posted by FDNY101TRUCK
    A skeleton goes into a bar and orders a glass of water and a mop....
    That's it. You had your chance and blew it. No more "jokes" from you.
    "Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like." Will Rogers

    The borrower is slave to the lender. Proverbs 22:7 - Debt free since 10/5/2009.

    "No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session." - New York Judge Gideon Tucker

    "As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government." - Dave Barry

    www.daveramsey.com www.clarkhoward.com www.heritage.org

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    No more "jokes"
    Puns are perfectly acceptable.
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

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    Default

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
    he has a better education.

    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

    Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

    Lawyer says, "What for?"

    Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

    Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."

    Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law.
    License and registration, please!"

    Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
    I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,
    if not you let me go and no ticket."

    Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
    beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:
    "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
    Training does not make perfect. Training makes permanent!

    IACOJ probie

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    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
    NEVER FORGET!
    9/11/01

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    Everyone on this forum is now stupider having heard your jokes. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

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    A string goes into a bar and orders a drink. "Beat it, buddy," says the bartender..."We don't serve strings in here". The string goes outside, ties himself into a bow, and frazzles his ends. He goes back in.
    "Hey, ain't you that string that was just in here?" asks the bartender.
    "No, I'm a frayed knot...."
    Chief Dwayne LeBlanc
    Paincourtville Volunteer Fire Department
    Paincourtville, LA

    "I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream and I hope you don't find this too crazy is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad."
    C.D. Bales, "Roxanne"

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    Default

    Heard this one from a buddy of mines 7 year old daughter.


    What did the egg say to the boiling water?








    Give me a minute to get hard, I just got layed.
    "Train as if your life depends on it"
    Always Remember *343*

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    Talking Police officer

    There is a police officer standing on a bridge clocking people on the interstate below. He decides to pull over a car that is speeding. When he approaches the car he asks for the drivers lisc and reg. When he asked if she knew why he pulled her over she replied"Well i was running late for work and was more than likly speeding." The officer said"Thatsright you were going 80 in a 65, what kind of job could you have that is so important that you had to drive that fast?"
    She replied " Well I am an A**hole stretcher!!" the cop looking real confused said " An A**hole stretcher? well how do you do that??"
    She then went into great detail of how she did it(a bit to graphic for this site!) Anyways she ends saying and then you stretch it out till its about 6 ft wide..
    The officer then asks " And what do you do with a six foot A**HOLE??"
    She smile and replies " Put him on a bridge with a radar gun!"

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    Everyone on this forum is now stupider having heard your jokes. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.

    That's it. You had your chance and blew it. No more "jokes" from you.

    Haha well mcaldwell wasnt very specific, it just said random jokes never said they had to be funny...
    NEVER FORGET!
    9/11/01

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    A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

    He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car
    so she could
    zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
    everything she
    seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
    in just a few
    seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so
    surprise me!"

    He did just that.
    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale
    ullrichk
    a.k.a.
    perfesser

    a ship in a harbor is safe. . . but that's not what ships are for

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    Originally posted by fireguy919

    "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?" [/B]


    The lawyer got some practical after college.
    There goes the neighborhood.

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    Default

    The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. soldier walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle. The war weary marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat? " The French woman just sniffed and said, to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
    The marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am may I sit down? I am very tired."
    She
    snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant."
    This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the dog, tossed it
    out the train window, and sat down.
    The woman shrieked, "My dog! My Fifi!! Someone must defend my honor
    and put this American in his place.!!!"
    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
    You
    hold the fork in the
    wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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    One Morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

    While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

    The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, If you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

    This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said, "If You firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother.

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    So this bar has a tie requirement that kept a young man from joining his friends inside.
    Inspiration strikes and he goes to his car,gets out the jumper cables.He ties a perfect four in hand and goes up to the door to pay the cover charge.
    The doorman warns him"You better not try to start anything."

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    True story:
    I was returning to Memphis after a successful evening at the blackjack table in Robinsonville MS and was tooling along HWY 61 when the MS/TN stateline which along that road also marks the Memphis city limits flashed by my passenger side.
    In the rearview mirror,I saw one of Memphis' finest start his blue lights to pull me over.
    When he came and asked the usual questions,he also wanted to know why I was doing 61mph in a 55 zone.
    Thinking quickly,I said that I'd seen a black and white sign that said "61"so I figured I was just doing the posted speed limit.
    Shaking his head,the officer returned my paperwork and said"Sir,I'm just damned glad that I stopped you before you got to I-240!"

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    one afternoon, a father took his young son fishing. As they sat on the bank of a small pond, the father noticed two dogs across the pond doing the wild thing. He looked at his boy to see if he had noticed or not, and sure enough, the boy glanced over and saw the whole thing. Dad, concerned for the boys innocents, cleared his throat and said, son, you see those two dogs over there? Yes dad. Well, you see, the one dog has hurt his paw, and the other dog is trying to help him walk. There was a long silence, and then the boy says, dad, isn't that the way it always goes, you try to help someone, and they find a way to shove it up your *****.
    There goes the neighborhood.

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    old but funny.


    What has 7 arms and sucks?





    Def Leopord
    "Train as if your life depends on it"
    Always Remember *343*

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    Talking You didn't see this just a few posts up from yours, Ullrichk?

    Originally posted by RoughRider
    A couple had been dabating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.


    Services are pending.


    Originally posted by ullrichk
    A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

    He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car
    so she could
    zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
    everything she
    seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
    in just a few
    seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so
    surprise me!"

    He did just that.
    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale
    September 11th - Never Forget

    I respect firefighters and emergency workers worldwide. Thank you for what you do.

    Sheri
    IACOJ CRUSTY CONVENTION CHAIR
    Honorary Flatlander

    RAY WAS HERE FIRST

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    Obviously not.

    But then one would expect some repetition in a purely random sample...........right?
    ullrichk
    a.k.a.
    perfesser

    a ship in a harbor is safe. . . but that's not what ships are for

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    Default

    A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

    He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car
    so she could
    zip through traffic around town.

    He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but
    everything she
    seemed to like was way out of their price range.

    "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
    in just a few
    seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so
    surprise me!"

    He did just that.
    For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale

  25. #25
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    sorry , couldnt resist !



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