1. #1
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    Default For my English Friends.

    The Lions Rugby team has just completed a tour around New Zealand (Kiwi Land). They were beaten convincingly in all 3 tests against the All Blacks, so here is a selection of the jokes doing the rounds.

    -----------

    The lions practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a white powdery substance was found on the field. Police and forensic investigators were called in to investigate.

    After a complete analysis, the forensic guys determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

    Practice was resumed after special agents decided that the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

    AND

    The lions coach takes the team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position.
    So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion

    AND

    The lions are making available a helpline for fans who are disappointed with their teams performance
    The helpline number is : 0800 10 10 10
    That is .....0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!

    AND

    What's your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a lions shirt in bed??
    You ain't going to score....ever!!

    AND

    There are only 2 things that can be seen by the naked eye from space...
    The first is the great wall of china...the second is the gap in the Lions defence!!

    AND

    What's the difference between the lions and an arsonist
    An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches

    AND

    A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
    The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
    When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
    Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the British & Irish Lions Rugby Test Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    I'm LMAO ! thats great, although as a Canadian rugby fan, I shouldn't laugh at anyone.
    Stay Safe
    Firedog21
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    LOL at Kiwi - nice set of jokes to send them home with.

    The Aussies have also decided to add to the English misery and find some form to give them a pasting in the last international warm-up match before the start of the Ashes Test Series (that's cricket for those of you that were wondering what I was talking about).

    Bring on the Ashes!
    Last edited by stillPSFB; 07-13-2005 at 01:51 AM.
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    I would laugh at those jokes, but I just got flogged by a touring rugby team from new zealand yesterday. It was a very painful match(for both sides)and someone managed to stomp on my injured hand. I think the end score was 41-0 in the kiwi guys favour. (we used to be a good team but we went downhill)

    The highlight though was that they did the hakka at/to us! OMG! It sends shivers down your spine! This was no weak attempt at it either! This would put the all blacks to shame! they got right up into our faces.

    Patty,... proud to have stared down a hakka
    "There are only two things that i know are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And im not so sure about the former."

    For all the life of me, i cant see a firefighter going to hell. At least not for very long. We would end up putting out all the fires and annoying the devil too much.

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    Talking Thanks for the verbal floggin'

    Nice set of jokes there mate!

    I've said this for a while now, it's time for us English to invent a new sport so we could actually have the upper hand for a couple of years.. you know, till all the convict colonies (and convict colony wannabee's ) starting beating us literally at our own game.

    Congrats to the all blacks!

    Cheers

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    Ian, like the Murphys, I'm not bitter...we'll be back. PS our cricket team seems to be doing quite well lately, fancy a knock up??
    United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.

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    ROTF Patty.

    Hardest Rugby I ever played was Inter-Service.

    Army, Navy, Air Force, Fire, and Police services matches.

    The year I played the St Johns "Ambulance Service" didn't field a team, but bugger if we didn't keep them busy on the sidelines.

    Took me two weeks to get back to normal duties in a normal state.

    Martin.

    After De Laliglio went off with a dislocated ankle after 2 minutes in the first game, your guys were stuffed. all the direction and leadership went out of a team that should have given us a run for our money.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Ian, you hit the nail on the head there...there was too much reliance on a small number of players who were part of the World Cup squad, once they were out of the picture no one had the nounce to get a grip of things. I don't think Clive Woodward is too bothered really, it can be only a few weeks until he gets his new job with Southhampton Football Club and someone with new ideas can take over English rugby.
    United Kingdom branch, IACOJ.

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    I Vow to Thee My Country

    Words by Cecil Spring-Rice, set to music originally written by Gustav Holst

    I vow to thee, my country, all earthly things above,
    Entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love:
    the love that asks no questions, the love that stands the test,
    That lays upon the altar, the dearest and the best;
    the love that never falters, the love that pays the price,
    the love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice.
    Repeat

    And there's another country, I've heard of long ago
    Most dear to them that loves her, most great to them that know;
    We may not count her armies, we may not see her King:
    Her fortress is a faithful heart, her pride is suffering:
    And soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase,
    And her ways are ways of gentleness and all her paths are peace.

    Repeat

    ------

    This is the Anthem sung for Lions rugby matches, seeing as the team is made up of England, Ireland, Scotland, and wales.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    This is how it was sung on this tour.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------


    I Vow to Thee My Country (Spoof)

    Unknown lyricist

    I vow to thee my country, place my heart in your marbled hands,
    Lift St George's flag fluttering, above proud Twickenham's stands,
    Sweet lord, the foe in host come gather, a haka to perform,
    This new white jersey's lovely, I hope it won't get torn.
    My lord, Tuigamala's thighs are hefty, and his chest is very broad,
    You mean he's on the left wing side? Oh ****, oh my bloody lord.

    Dear England, I place my body - firmly upon the line,
    And hope like hell I don't get rucked by Richard Loe this time,
    Geoff, my liege, I prithee sir, please say a prayer for us,
    as we ride for Twickenham, upon that big white bus.

    I vow to thee my country, I'll take the sprigs with pride,
    as the Black Blanket washes over us, I'll feel strong inside,
    I'll stand up and be counted, take Olo and take Sean,
    I vow to thee my country, oh ****, my jumpers torn!"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager called on the boy and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

    The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".

    "You're joking ! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players over there."

    "My wife is from New Zealand!!"

    The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    World Cup Pre-Match Rituals

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Seeing as how the All Blacks heighten their motivation by performing "The Haka" before their world cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest appropriate pre-match rituals of their own.

    The Scottish team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponent's heads.

    The Irish team will spilt into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional Route from their dressing room to the pitch, via the Southern Half's dressing room.

    The Argentineans will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.

    Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

    The Americans will not be there until half time. In future years they will alter the records to show that the game only began at half time and that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament. Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".

    Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the side to ransom.

    The Italian team will arrive in red sports cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

    The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.

    The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

    Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.

    The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the women on the touchline.

    The English team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them at it now.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    The Unofficial "Rugby Survival Guide" for Rugby Neophytes

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Your First Game

    Let's keep it simple at the beginning.

    1. Hit anything that is carrying the ball.
    Note: Generally you will be more popular if that happens to be a person on the other team, also the referee is not a good target.

    2. When you get the ball run like hell!
    Note: Your teammates would prefer that to be in the direction of your opponents goal area.

    Second Game

    Mastering the pass.

    1. Pass the ball backwards to a teammate that is in a better position to advance the ball.
    Note: Screaming and throwing the ball up in the air to avoid being hit is considered "bad form".

    2. Follow slightly behind your teammate who is carrying the ball so that you can receive a pass.
    Note: If you drop the ball continuously, you will become what they call a "prop forward".

    Third Game

    Mastering the kick.

    1. Kick the ball forward over your opponents head and catch it on the run.
    Note: If you are a forward then dropping the ball near your foot and kicking anyone in the vicinity is good enough.

    Subtleties of the Game

    Now that you have mastered running, tackling, passing and kicking we'll cover some of the finer points:

    The Ruck: This is a situation where 3 to 20 people pile on top of the tackled player. The play is whistled by the the referee when all the air has been compressed out of the tackled player's lungs.

    The Maul: Instead of being tackled to ground, the player is kept on his feet by the tacklers. The object is to bend as many of the ball carrier's fingers away from the ball. The play is whistled by the referee after the first cracking sound.

    The Line Out: When the ball goes out of the playing area a "throw in" is awarded. The object is to elbow the opposing player's face while attempting to catch the ball.

    Offside: In a ruck or maul situation you are not allowed to "steal" the ball from the opposition by running behind the play. It is mandatory that you step on or over the tackled player first.

    Scrum: The eight forwards bind together and push against the other forwards. The object is to allow the forwards to beat and bruise each other and give the backs a chance to catch their breath.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    There is always room

    (A bit of rugby philosophy)


    A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

    So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

    The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. "The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, and your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

    But then...

    A rugby-playing student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

    Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    "I say 'no worries' all the time. Does that mean I'm an Aussie??"

    "There's a simple test to find out... Just ask yourself the following question - when someone mentions 'New Zealand Lamb', what do you want to do to it?"

    "Ha ha, throw it in an oven, mate, with loads of potatoes."

    "You're safe!"
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

    HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

    WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

    HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Top joke in Scotland: I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

    Top joke in England: Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

    Top joke in USA: A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

    Top joke in Belgium: Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    From: Chief of Operations, Office of the Fire Chief

    It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective Immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following:

    Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

    Stroke patients are not "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

    Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shreds), FDGB (faIl down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper."

    Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

    HAZMAT teams are highly-trained professionals, not "glow worms."

    Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically-gifted."

    Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

    The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen" or "residentially challenged," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

    And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), or NLPR (no longer playing records).
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    The Lawyer's Point of View: This was taken from the Alameda County District Attorney's Office publication The Point of View

    In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

    ATTORNEY: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
    CORONER: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you listen to the heart?
    CORONER: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    CORONER: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
    CORONER: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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    And the Penguins Will Watch Out for You.

    A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

    Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and then turn and fly directly to the penguin colony, overflying it. Heads go up, up, up - and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.


    -----

    I told you they make good WATCH Dogs.
    Psychiatrists state 1 in 4 people has a mental illness.
    Look at three of your friends, if they are ok, your it.

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