Need A Smile? Pass One On!

[MalahatTwo7]

A little humour to start your week.


A young Newfoundlander moved to California and went to a big mega-department store looking for a job.

The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The newfie said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundlander (of course) so he gave him the job.

The manager said, "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager asked, "How many sales did you make today?" The Newfie said, "One."

The manager said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The newfie said, "$101,237.64"

The manager gasped, "$101.237.64? What did you sell?"

The newfie said, "I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Sea Ray. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Suburban."

The manager said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The newfie said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I told him that since his weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing.

[Rossco]

Thanks, I needed that.

[beastie35]

that is flippin funny!

[DaSharkie]

I love that joke no matter how many times I hear it.

[Res343cue]

That ones always good for a chuckle no matter how bad your day is.

[prymtym]

Thanks, I needed that.

Having a bad day, eh?
Just remember: Never hold in farts... They travel up your spine and into your brain and become $hitty thoughts!

I was having a bad day at work the other day and I saw a cartoon hanging on a fridge reading that and immediately my day got better. I wish I had the drawing that went with it.

See ya,
KC

[Rossco]

[QUOTE=prymtym]Having a bad day, eh?
Just remember: Never hold in farts... They travel up your spine and into your brain and become $hitty thoughts!



LMAO. Is that what causes that?


A man goes to the doctor for a flu like condition with nausia, diahrea and the whole bit. ( Prymtym, he was having $hitty thoughts because he didn't dare relieve himself) So anyway, the doctor prescribed some suppositories for him, and said let me know if it doesn't work. So after taking the whole prescription, with no relief, he went back to the doc. The doctor said " wow, I can't belive the suppositories didn't help." The man replied, " for all the good those did me, I may as well have shoved them up my @$$."

[MalahatTwo7]

Heheheeeee thats an oldie too.... first time I heard it was on a Nestor Pistor 8 track - yep thats right! 8 Track tape.

(But at least I didn't read it from a stone tablet - I'm not quite that old ehehehehee)

[MalahatTwo7]

UMMM Green... ummm no.. blue..... aaaauuuuugggggggg..........

Sex & Your Favorite Color

STOP ---- Before you read this, decide what your favorite color is. No looking ahead or changing your mind, either. Got it? Ok, read on...Your Favorite color is the "Key to Your Sexual Life"

The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.

RED: ----- People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should beware.

YELLOW: ------- If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is gay. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: ---- Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up someone in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: ------- Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: ------- Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: ------ Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: ------- Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: ------ If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Love is a 24 hour a day thing, where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GREY: ------ The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: ----- Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: ------ If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

Hey, Don't take this too seriously ))

[MalahatTwo7]

THE FARMER'S DAUGHTERS

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.